Basketbawful

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I was just scanning the GQ article "The Ten Most Hated Athletes" (in which Kobe ranks number 5), and I wasn't the least bit surprised to read that Terrell Owens continues to wield the Skeletor Power Scepter of Supreme Superdickery. What did surprise me, however, was the sudden onset of dawning realization when I saw this picture:

Dick.
To the casual observer, this simply appears to be another generic example of a professional athlete making a complete assclown of himself. But take a closer look, my friends, and you'll see something much darker and more suspect. Owens' jersey number is, indeed, 81.

Can this be mere coincidence? I don't think so. This isn't like a Bigfoot sighting, where the only evidence is grainy footage of some schmuck in a zippered monkey suit. We know Kobe scored 81. We know Terrell wears 81. These are indisputable facts.

Do I have to spell out "conspiracy" for you people? Okay, I guess I just did. But come on. Think about it. We already know the government covered up how the Nazis killed Elvis because he was the U.S. military's first supersoldier. The Everlasting Gobstopper? In a secret warehouse somewhere, probably next to the Lost Ark. And the oil companies are never going to let us get our hands on Mr. Fusion. We live in an intricate web of intrigue every day, and we barely even notice. We've been desensitized by reality TV and Paris Hilton's luscious, luscious thighs.... Now, uhm, what was I talking about?

Oh, that's right. I'm telling you: this should not be dismissed as coincidence. Two of the world's most hated athletes are now bound together by fate and numerology. I guess this could just be Kobe's silent homage to selfishness and egotism gone wild. After all, Terrell didn't seem to mind that his actions single-handedly destroyed a season of hope for the Philidelphia Eagles, and Kobe obviously doesn't care how much his ball-hoggery is strangling the life out of his Laker teammates. (Seriously, have you seen Lamar Odom lately? I've seen quadraplegic deaf-mutes who looked like they had a greater will to live.)

But still, I can't help but think that there's something more ominous at work here. I mean, Kobe scores 81 and suddenly the very fabric of reality has shifted. All the sports writers and basketball fans who previously hated him are now dropping to their knees to service his throbbing Black Mamba. And, even worse, those very same people are taking cheap shots at many other "Great Scoring Feats in NBA History," even impugning the manner in which Wilt scored 100 (apparently, your points don't count if you're taller and physically superior to your opponents). Don't even try to tell me this isn't the work of Satan's dark power.

I know some of you are skeptical. I understand. But there's more proof, from no less a source than the Bible. Take a closer look at this passage from Psalm 81:

"So I gave them up to the desires of their hearts; that they might go after their evil purposes."

I know you'll join me in saying: "Holy freaking shit!" Two thousand years ago, some dirty monk copying books by hand predicted that the number 81 would somehow be connected with selfish dicks who, when left unchecked, would go on to pursue evil. But believe it or not, there's more! Thanks to Bill Simmons, I now know Kobe's record was achieved on the 666th game of his career. I am completely, 100 percent serious about this. That sound you just heard was checkmate, folks.

And on the eight day, he arose from thesea and then did lay waste to his team.

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