Previous installments: Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Also check out the official Livin' Large FAQ, Cast List, Flow Chart 1.0, and Flow Chart 2.0.

"A dance?" I asked. "What kind of dance?"

"IUK is throwing a Halloween party," Cindy said. "There's going to be dancing, a bonfire, a hayride, stuff like that."

"Are people dressing up?"

"Oh geez, yeah, I can't believe I forgot to mention that part," she said. "Yeah, everybody is supposed to come in costume."

"Sounds pretty cool," I said.

"Yeah, it really does," she said. "So...will you be my date?"

She said it. She used the D-word. I could tell this was serious. Not necessarily because of her vocabulary choice, but based on the way she said it: with an equal combination of pointed emphasis and fear of rejection. I knew that two-hit combo well. This wasn't just one of those "I don't want to go by myself so I'm going to ask a friend to come along" things. This was a date date.

I didn't respond immediately, and she started to get nervous. "That's a 'no' isn't it?"

"No. I mean, no, it's not a 'no' exactly," I said. "I just...can I call you back?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, that's fine," she said, sounding confused and a little hurt.

"Great, call you right back. Bye." I hung up.

I hated to leave Cindy hanging like that, but I needed a minute to recover. Aimee had just dropped the L-bomb on me, and then Cindy immediately followed it up with a D-bomb. All things being equal, Aimee's admission by far trumped Cindy's request. But I had no idea what Aimee actually meant when she said she loved me. Was it a friendly love? A romantic love? A "I don't want to commit to you but I don't want to lose you to somebody else" love? I needed more information before I could proceed.

"I didn't expect to hear from you again tonight," Aimee said. "But I'm happy to hear your voice."

"Yeah, I know, I'm totally unpredictable," I said. I felt rushed. For some reason, I could hear a clock ticking on Cindy's date offer. Would she ask somebody else if I didn't get back to her pretty soon? Did I care? I mean, I wanted to date Aimee. Not just date, either, I wanted her to be my girlfriend. But if she wouldn't commit to me, then I had to start moving on...and a date with Cindy might be the baby steps I needed. It was time to get down to brass tacks.

"So look," I started, "I'm not trying to make a big deal out of this, but when you said you loved me earlier tonight, what did you mean exactly?"

"Love means love, Matt," she said. I thought she sounded wary.

"Right, sure, okay," I said. "But seriously, what does that mean?"

"I don't know what you're asking," she said. Okay, she definitely sounded wary.

"It's like this," I said, undaunted by her wariness, "there are two different kinds of love. One kind of love is the same as liking somebody, only you like them a lot. The other kind makes you want to kiss and hug and have sex and get married and live happily ever after. So when you say you love me, I need to know which one it is."

"Why are you making a big deal out of this?" she asked, and I could tell she didn't want to answer.

"Because I need to know. Right now."

"You know, things were just getting better between us..." she began.

"Right now, Aimee. Tell me."

"I don't know, okay!" she blurted out. "I don't know."

"Well," I said, feeling like I'd just been punched in the face, "that kind of answers my question. Doesn't it?"

"I don't know," she said again, and her voice sounded very small.

A few minutes later, I was back on the phone with Cindy. "I'd love to go to that Halloween dance with you."

The dance was the following Saturday, so I called my mom and arranged for her to bring me home for the weekend. The only problem now was what to do about a costume. I hadn't celebrated Halloween since I was 11 or 12 years old, and my last few costumes had been me dressing up as me and asking for candy. I didn't even know where to get a costume. These days, Halloween stores pop up all over the place during October and even as early as September. In fact, Chicago has a few Halloween stores that are open all year. But back in the early 90s, the options were limited to a half dozen generic selections at the local grocery store or Target. And most of those didn't stock merchandise until a week or two in advance.

It's kind of funny, considering I've spent the last few years assembling movie-accurate reproductions of Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and Captain Jack Sparrow costumes, but I was at a complete and total loss. Fortunately, my mom had a custom-made Dracula cape left over from her younger days. It had been a little too big for her, which meant it was only slightly too small for me. I combined that with a red silk shirt and a pair of black dress pants I already had, and my mom made me a cummerbund out of some material she picked up from JoAnne Fabrics. Just like that, I had a vampire costume made easy.

In the meantime, I explained the whole situation to Mat, mostly because I was obsessed by it and needed to get things off my chest. "Dese girls don't know each other, do dey?" He asked.

"Well, yeah. We all went to high school together," I said.

"But do dey talk?"


"And will dey ever talk?"

"I don't think so," I said.

"Perfect," he said. "Always keep at least two girls on de line. That way, you always have a backup."

I was tempted to laugh, but Mat was being completely serious. Then too, he wasn't just giving out advice...he was living it.

The week dragged by as slowly as possible. Around the middle of the week, Susan and I met for lunch at her dorm. She was going on and on about her new boyfriend Rick when I dropped the fact that I was going out on a date with Cindy.

"Who's that?" she asked.

"A friend from high school," I said.

"What happened to Aimee?" she asked.

"Dead. Tragic smelting accident."

"Shut up," Susan said. She didn't sound nearly as amused by my joke as I thought she should be.

"I guess I just got tired of waiting around for her," I said. "I figured it was time to start dating other people."

"Huh," Susan said. "Well, good for you." She didn't sound nearly as happy for me as thought she should be.

On Thursday night, Aimee made one of her rare phone calls. "What are you doing this weekend?" she asked.

To that point, I had been pretty open with Aimee about what I did and didn't do with other girls, but I figured she'd freak if I told her I was going on a date with Cindy. So just I told her I was going home for the weekend.

"Great," she said. "I'm going home too!"

"Oh, uh, really?" I said.

"Yeah," she said. "I was hoping you'd say you were going home. I just had a feeling."

"Right. Well, just so you know, I'm hanging out with Greg and Gauvin on Saturday night."

"Oh," she said. "Well, we can hang out Friday night though, right?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

I hung up and struggled with this strange new reality: in a matter of days, I had effectively gone from no girls to one too many.

On Friday night, I drove my old '78 Plymouth Fury over to Aimee's house. That car was so incredibly loud -- the entire exhaust system had fallen out durinng my senior year in high school -- that I used to put it in neutral, kill the engine and let it coast the last block or so to her house, just so her parents wouldn't think my piece of shit car was a piece of shit car. When I left, I would put it in neutral and push it a block or two before starting it back up. Believe me, that wasn't easy. But I loved that car.

Anyway, Aimee and I went for a walk in nearby Highland Park, then spent the rest of the evening sitting on her front porch and talking about this and that. Neither of us brought up the subjects of love or dating, although it was on both of our minds.

On Saturday night, I got dressed up in my vampire costume and then asked my mom how it looked.

"It needs makeup," she said.


"Yeah, white face makeup," she said.

"I don't want to wear makeup."

"You have to, or you won't look very vampire-like," she said. "Don't worry, I'll help you."

"Mom, I really don't want to wear makeup."

"I'm not giving you a choice," she said.

So my mom painted my face bone white. "Now," she said, "a little red lipstick."

"What?! Why?"

"It'll make it look like you just bit somebody," she answered.

"Or it'll make me look like a cross dresser."

She signed. "You won't look like a cross dresser. Trust me."

I trusted her...and ended up looking like a cross dresser in a vampire costume. To her credit, though, she did make some fake blood out of corn syrup and red food coloring. She used it to make a fake blood trail from the side of my mouth down my chin. That helped, although I still wasn't thrilled with my new look.

Cindy, however, loved it. "You look awesome!" she said. I figured either she was lying or somebody had just jammed their thumbs in her eyes, resulting in temporary blindness or at the very least blurred vision.

Sadly, this was before Halloween costumers had perfected the Slutty [Whatever] costume. You know: Slutty Nurse, Slutty Librarian, Slutty Cat Girl, Slutty Information Development Specialist. So Cindy was dressed as a mime, which I have to admit was pretty terrifying. Her costume consisted of black pants, a black, long-sleeved t-shirt, white clown gloves, and face makeup. Ah, the glory of the homemade costume. Did I mention I find mimes terrifying?

The dance turned out to be almost entirely dance-free. As in, nobody wanted to actually get down and boogey. Instead, we contented ourselves with wolfing down candy and snacks (well, I did anyway) and mingling with the other partygoers around the bonfire. Cindy introduced me to several of her classmates, and the introductions were telling. She wasn't introducing me as some random friend. She was introducing me in that super-excited we-might-be-dating-soon voice that people get when they're on the verge of a new relationship. I found I was kind of okay with that.

Since this was Indiana, the night ended with a hayride. In case you grew up within 100 miles of civilization and therefore have never been on or heard of a hayride, it's when several people clamber up into a wagon full of hay and just ride around in it. I know. Quaint, right?

During the ride, Cindy leaned against me and put her head on my shoulder in what I would eventually learn is the universal sign of the smitten girl. Again, I was okay with that.

I drove Cindy home with the intention of just dropping her off. After all, it was late (a little after 1 a.m.) and I didn't want to disturb her parents. However, she insisted I come inside for a few minutes. It turned out her parents were still up, because her mother greeted us at the door. I will always remember that her mom had this knowing look on her face, because, of course, she knew something I didn't: that I was about to get The Pitch.

We sat down on the couch in Cindy's living room. She took my hand but looked down at the ground. "Matt," she began, "I know you've got a lot going on. I know there may be other people you want to date. I know we have a history where I didn't always appreciate you the way that I should have. But I have very deep feelings for you. I can't deny them anymore and I don't want to. I want to be with you, Matt. I want us to be together." She then looked at me with her dark brown eyes. They were glistening.

Despite the drama of the moment, I almost laughed because of the bizarre tableau stretching out before me. A white-faced mime was making romantic overtures to a white-faced vampire on the couch at her parent's house. And the mime looked so very solemn. If I could go back in time, I'd totally ask why so serious?

"Cindy, that's very flattering," I said, trying to be delicate. "But I'm going to have to think about this."

"I understand," she said. "And I'll wait as long as it takes."

She then moved in to kiss me, but I pulled away. Not because I didn't want to kiss her at that moment, but because I was afraid doing so would seal the deal so to speak. I felt like kissing her would more or less mean to her that we were dating seriously. That's just how she was (or so I thought). I wasn't quite ready to go there just yet. Instead we just hugged, said our goodnights, and I went home in a daze.

Aimee called the next morning and asked if I'd come by her place before I returned to school. I agreed, mostly because I thought (or hoped) that she'd say or do something to help resolve this mess. Of course, that didn't happen. All that happened is that we ate breakfast while chatting about meaningless whatevers as I became increasingly tense.

When it came time for me to leave, Aimee walked me to my car. I tried to give her a hug but she pulled back. "You're not going to hug me? Seriously?!" I was really offended.

"I don't feel comfortable doing that," she said.

"Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding me. That's it. I'm done. I'm done waiting for you to make up your mind. I love you, but this has gotten too ridiculous to put up with. Have a nice trip back to school." I was so angry I not only started my too-loud car in front of her house, I gunned the engine as I drove away.

My mom took me back to school. When I returned to the room, Mat wasn't there. Thankfully, none of my things had been disturbed. I tried to study, but I couldn't. I thought about calling somebody, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. Instead, I went down to the dorm grill, bought a couple hamburgers and spent the evening watching old Celtics games. Mat got home around 2 a.m. He wasn't alone. I wrapped my pillow around my head and did my best to sleep through it.

I walked through the next day in a fog. That evening, I was studying (as usual) while Mat was spending one of his rare evenings chilling in the room by himself. The phone rang, and it was Cindy. She just wanted to check in and see how I was doing...and ask whether I'd thought any more about what we'd talked about. I told her I had but still hadn't made a decision.

It occurred to me after I'd hung up that I needed to tell Cindy yes or no very soon. Otherwise, I would be stringing her around the same way Aimee had been stringing me around. I didn't want to do that to anybody else. It hurt too much. I resolved to sleep on it and make my final decision the next day. At that moment, I was starting to seriously consider doing it. However, I never got the chance to sleep on my decision, because a little while later the phone rang. It was Aimee.

"I want us to be together," she said.

Part 17

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Blogger Stephen Robbins said...
Ah yes, the bitches always want what they can't have. She didn't want the hung you generously offered, but the second it wasn't available she changes her mind. CLASSIC.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
To all the new UK readers: thank you, for "bint" has now been added into my vocabulary of awesome words from the UK.

Bawful: Did you get my e-mail? You need to edit your submission now before I do, because that video almost single-handedly makes living in NJ amazing.

Anonymous Snoopy2006 said...
Man your life had some drama. You should start writing soaps. The timing on that is either coincidentally awful, or Aimee somehow found about Cindy (I call conspiracy). I hope you called BS on both of them and moved on to dating the Miranda Kerr of 20 years ago, and then flaunted it in their faces.

Anyway, I'm another Lakers fan who's become a big fan of this blog after this series. Keep up the great work.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ladies and gentlemen
Little Matt - King of Cliffhangers
Really enjoying the series
From India

Blogger cyclonis23 said...
Like Stephen said, when you "tel dat ho wuts up" they immediately start lining up for you. Big Matt was like a dating savant

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You are quite a pathetic little man. My mom came to the college to bring me home? Aaaaggghhhhh!!

Anonymous samantha said...
I can't stand this Aimee.
$20 says once you get all exicted over her wanting to be "together" again that she backs out.

Scratch that. Make it $100

Blogger Scott said...
Can we skip ahead to the part where the future NBA All-Star dunks on you?

Blogger Victor said...

Oh man, Bawful, you were so midwestern. I remember when I grew up in rural Missouri, I went to Halloween party with a bonfire and hayride as well.

So when is the book coming out?

Also, and this has been asked half a dozen times, where does Cindy rank on the looks department?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
ahh the slutty halloween costume. best one i've ever seen was a girl just walking around in her underwear with a conversation that went:
me: "what are you suppose to be?"
girl: "a vicotria secret's angel."
me: "well where are your wings?"
girl: "i don't have any."
me: "whatever, works for me."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How about more basket, less bawful?

Anonymous Badge said...
Are any of the girls named changed? Do you know if any of them have read Livin Large at all?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Please tell me that you scooped out both of them eventually.

Blogger Peruvian Idol said...
I'll be really disappointed if one day you're on Oprah admitting this whole story was fabricated.

P.S. - "and frog."

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
I like how the first post meant to say 'hug' but said 'hung.' You offered her a hung you, but she didn't want it until later. Roflcopter (ironic).

I'm with the betting fellow above me who says you decide to get with her, because you already admitted you loved her. I would use that 'I'll wait as long as it takes' thing from Cindy as an excuse for stringing her along. Later, she cuts off your penis from frustration.

The sexy Steel Baron was my favorite. Sexy sexy wasn't bad, either.

Blogger drbearclaw said...
I agree with Scott lol. Although the love story is very intriguing

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Big Mat was right with his "fuck dem both" advice.

I'm glad to see the "Sexy (Whatever) Costume" thing get some play here. I never dress up for costume parties. Never. Wanna know why? Cause costume parties (when you're over the age of 10, anyway) are not for guys to dress up like a zombie or whatever, but rather are an excuse for girls to dress far, far sluttier than they otherwise would. I have no problem with that either (obviously), and am all in favor of girls getting the opportunity to go out in fishnets and see-through outfits, but I think it's silly to pretend like the costume thing is for guys too. Nobody gives a crap if you've got a costume that would make Rick Baker jealous. The real point of a costume party is that the girls all know they've got a free pass to dress in the most revealing outfit ever without being judged as being "slutty".

The only exception to is for guys who are closet cross-dressers. For obvious reasons, those guys probably look forward to costume parties more than a girl with the world's sexiest costume does.

Blogger Unknown said...
Hey there is someone else from India reading this blog too great..!! got some company..

And this Aimee girl is a damn witch..

Anonymous Ruben said...
I was expecting for Aimee to be at the dance and you successfully managed to not be recognised by her in your vampire disguise, until one moment where you forgot where you were and did something stupid, like asking for a hug goodbye. But that just shows that I have watched way too many Hugh Grant movies.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Excellent work! Livin Large makes it's triumphant return

Blogger Japes said...
I'm glad that at this point you no longer considered yourself "a lonely guy". This installment is proof again of how women you like absolutely love it when you ignore them.

Here's a mini spolier question. Did you eventually tell Aimee that you went home that weekend to go on a date with Cindy? There are certain events that happened when I first started dating my wife that to this day, she doesn't know about.

Anonymous Axel Foley said...
We're going with a Monday/Wednesday/Friday format right? I'm looking forward to it, lovin Livin Large.

Warning:Your brain may explode due to the sheer amounts of awesome

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
A hayride? Enchanting!! I can see the 1930s Hollywood musical, rose coloured fade, right now. Please say people still do this in Indiana today,even if only for the tourists.

Top episode yet again.

Anonymous Adam said...
Ugh, how did you end up trying to deal with two of the most subtly crazy girls you could find? At least if they were more blatant about being crazy you could've dealt with it better. Should've got with the girl who drunkenly came on to you. At least she sounds normal. You needed to attend a freshman class about this kind of thing before getting thrown to the wolves like this. The amount of 'i love yous' thrown around willy nilly is staggaring.

Blogger Shiv said...
Shout out for the (far) East side! :D

And damn it McHale, your love life is starting to depress me more than the Lakers Championship! How about a nice little one on one game against Big Mat where winner takes all the losers women? Just like in the old days.

Anonymous Mike said...
OMG... Aimee is Brett Favre.

Anonymous Ray1981 said...
One of the best so far. What a cliffhanger!
keep it up matt.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@Bawful: you have poon flying at you from left and right mayne. hope you played your cards rigth haha

Anonymous Pricetag said...
It's scary how similar I had it in love at the same time in my life (I think it might have even been at the same time--what year did you graduate high school, '92?).

I never got enough attention from the couple of girls in my life at the time to keep me from feeling miserable when I wasn't with them, but I got just enough to make sure that I never had a girlfriend of my own. It's a lethal combination.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Which one has the bigger rack? That should decide it.

Blogger Richard Zhang said...
Bawful, love the stories, but any chance you could stick more Big Mat in them!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Woo, go Matt. *Does dance*

It's cummerbund, though.

Does Dracula wear one?

Blogger BoilerRunner08 said...
Highland Park, I twisted my ankle there during a CC meet against your high school.

lol, thats the only way I remember that place. When you said Highland Park, I only imagined the path you guys walked along was along the little creek that runs through it with the paved path next to it, with huge trees lining it. there was even a little bridge if I remembered correctly lol

oh god, creepy haha

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Are any of these side stories germane to the Matt/Mat story? The love interludes only confirm what we already knew about you, that you were an inexperienced nerd who wasn't very good with girls. Moar basketball plz!

Anonymous Jeff said...
Holy crap, I love the Aimee/Brett Favre comparison.

Blogger Brandon said...
Dude, I sincerely hope you ran like hell from Aimee.

But, having had an experience much like yours as an equally nerdy college freshman, I predict you did not.

Makes for a better story anyway.

Anonymous rbubp said...
Aimee was a c**t.

There is just no nice way to put it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm a big fan of this series but it's starting to read a bit like a Judy Blume book.

Blogger MandoBruin said...
omfg....i think i'm growing bewbies reading this it's like a soap opera.
anyways...thanks for the awesome stories...keep 'em coming!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
wow this is too good. you should write soap operas.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Highland Park highlisghts

Anonymous Anonymous said...
It's official! I've had it with Aimee. I know you like her and all, but PLEASE tell us you didn't fall back into it!!! PLEASE!

Anyway, good installment! Thanks!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I just want to say, I'm from Singapore, a land 12 hrs ahead of urs and I stay up till the wee hours of the morning just waiting for your posts... Great series...

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Grew up in Southern Illinois. Also did hayrides.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Where are the 2009 Worsties...? Although watching Bawful constantly failing to seal the deal with any of these girls is Worstie-worthy. Gotta side take a page from "Mat" here. Just bang one of them already!

Anonymous Andeh said...
hooked on this matt, all the way over in liverpool, england x

Blogger Micah said...
I have definitely joined the 'man, why did you have to end up going out with Aimee' group. She just doesn't come off well in these stories (I hope she treated you a bit better when you were finally dating).

Good stuff as always.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I've had it with Aimee as well. I'm voting for Cindy.

Also, more Mat please.

Anonymous samantha said...
Hey! I'm FROM S'pore (not there now but back in 5 month)!! Small world.

Basketbawful - bringing the world together one Livin Large Part at a time..

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Even I hate Aimee and I'm a chick.

I hated girls like Aimee because they made things so much harder on girls like me who didn't know how to play that bitchy game. I was a tomboy and loved sports but was sort of a late bloomer. All the guys had been fucked over by girls like Aimee before I ever got to them.

Just remember all of you fellas who enjoy talking about Aimee and her ilk, we aren't all like that and it does take two to tango.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
i thought this was supposed to be about living with mat...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful. Enjoying the set.

Some insight to Mat's prep school career. My senior year in high school was the year Mat played JV ball for a school in our same conference. We all had heard about NF's big exchange student but no one could have guessed how big. It is an understatement until you're standing next to this giant. The point is he was schooled by our starting fullback from the football team who happened to be a sophmore playing because he was an athlete. This guy started at center and was 5'10 215 lbs at the time next to Mat's 7'0 280 lbs. Needless to say Mat fouled out in about 10-12 minutes and got out rebounded. When I found out he was going to my fav college team I was floored. I knew it would end badly.
He played like he was in real life, a foul per minute.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anonymous said...
i thought this was supposed to be about living with mat...

I think I just got the title, Livin' Large. Am i right? livin' with mat = livin' large

Blogger Steve Lee said...
Right when you wrote this:

A few minutes later, I was back on the phone with Cindy. "I'd love to go to that Halloween dance with you."

I forgot where i was and I started clapping for you at work. if i could see how they look it would be easier for me to choose for the Past you. Gotta love it bawful.

BTW, do not listen to all the haters, I live for these Livin large entries

Blogger Wild Yams said...
What if Big Mat was actually Little Matt's Tyler Durden? What a twist that would be :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
On a satorial note (your forgiven as, being American I suspect you have no satorial elegance) it is Cummberbund and they should be made of silk.

Oh, and as a UK reader, I can only thank-you for this look the US Collegiate pysche and how normal my tertiary education was.

Blogger rbubp said...
Perfect summer reading, BTW. Keep up the good work. Draw it out to 50 posts or something. We're all hooked.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Love the series but need more Big Mat stories, more fun hearing about him close the deal and live it up then little Mat screwing it up. The last couple are turning a little bit into a soap opera.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Anonymous said...
i thought this was supposed to be about living with mat...

And to every other Anon whining about a lack of Mat (even though he was in this Part)...

"This is the first installment of a multi-part story about the first semester of my freshman year in college."

Like, honestly, this is worse than the wave of commenters wondering why Jennifer was still in the story. Hey Matt, how do you type with those boxing gloves on hur durf.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
good job giving cindy a dose of her own medicine, and i hope to see you eventually tell that aimee wut up big mat style, go little matt!!!

again, best blog EVER!!!

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@AnacondaHL: Well said that man! Plus can you please post your list of "Awesome UK words" and we'll see if we can add to it.

Don't people say "Fuck me" much in the US? we say it loads in UK.

Blogger Japes said...
Seriously Matt don't change a thing. Keep on writing Living Large but hopefully don't end the whole thing on a cliffhanger....

Anonymous JoeH said...
I can't believe you turned down a kiss from Cindy?! What restraint.

I third the Aimee = Brett Favre comment.

Word Verification = barase (as in There's no way Aimee is ever going to barase for lil Matt).

Anonymous Axe Head said...
At some point the movie / book dreamers should realize this isn't movie or book material at all, unless you want to re-do teenage coming-of-age angst for the umpteenth time (zzz). We need plot, protagonist, antagonist, action. Vere ist da Mat?

Blogger Fishy said...
It's like these girls planned to pile a bunch of high school drama on you.. after high school

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: You know what'd be great? If a future episode had Little Matt dreaming he was Big Mat - that being the only appearance of the latter for that segment - causing many Anonymous posters to scream.


Blogger AnacondaHL said...
(load of) bollocks
mind the gap
advert (or advertisment pronounced ad-VER-tiz-ment)
bloody hell
fancy (as a verb, such as "I fancy that")

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@Anonymous UK: It's "sartorial" not satorial and "cummerbund" or "cumberbund" not cummberbund, as I'm sure sartorially elegant Americans know. :-) Always wise to check one's own spelling before one picks up someone else on theirs.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Oh bollocks, I forgot "mate" on my list.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Second AHL's comments. Where did all these trolls come from? GO BACK TO YOUR CAVES!!!

Wild Yams:

So, you mean to say that guys have no business wearing costumes? Maybe it's not about us; but if I have to wear a silly outfit so that women feel comfortable wearing slutty ones- I'm willing to take one for the team. Plus it can be fun!

And anyway nothing is more lame than those 20% of people showing up at the costume party sans costume. Come on, man- you're BETTER THAN THAT!

Anonymous Shrugz said...
after every single part you should just type FML

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Muphry's Law clearly shows why people on the Internet suck at pointing out spelling and grammatical errors.

chris: I think we'll get that subplot in Year Five(tm), since Matt's already revealed he's used the "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen" line. Of course, in his dream, I imagine it happens similar to "hey man he was in my face" "i'm in your face".

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@AnacondaHL: sod, bugger, the dog's bollocks (means absolutely tophole, old chap) :-)

Anonymous rbubp said...
Boudicca's daughter--
Yes, some of us do know that. Just not so many on a sports blog.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Ah, how could I forget bugger. Do people still say "cheerio"?

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@AHL: Yes, occasionally. "Toodle-pip", sadly, has gone the way of the dodo.

How about "off ones tits" (drunk/high) or "getting on ones tits"? As in "Liam Gallagher was being a right wanker and really getting on my tits". :-)

WORD VERIFICATION: frysts. Fraught tryst, as in "Little Matt, Cindy and Aimee were caught in a fryst"

Blogger COD said...
Another vote for loving the stories. I also did a bonfire / hayride date while at the same University we are are not mentioning by name here. (Or can we? I'm not clear on the rules.) Mine ended better though ;)

Blogger S said...
Oh my god - this tale of early nineties college nerd love in Indiana is so awesome! So much better than the funny stories about living with a college basketball player (who has literally not appeared in two of the last three segments) which is what I thought I was reading. It's almost as good as Bill Simmons' 20 installment piece about when he broke up with his 8th grade girlfriend. Oh wait - he never wrote that - and I would never read that.

I understand that you are a "natural storyteller" and that you like to provide a lot of details, but unless Mat fucks one or all of these girls, these are not necessary details.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
To attend said school both guys and girls must be able to embrace costumes. Hello Breakfast Club!

Blogger Unknown said...
this is turning into one of those romance novels those little girls read.

yet, im captivated.

and its tolerable bc basketball is in it. it makes me manly.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
RunBoilerRun said: "To attend said school both guys and girls must be able to embrace costumes. Hello Breakfast Club!"

Yea Gods, I miss Breakfast Club. There's nothing quite like getting up at 6 a.m., putting on a costume and heading out to the bars for some heavy drinking.

Blogger Unknown said...
16 installments and we're only at Halloween? Does that mean we can expect about the same number to get us to the end of the semester? Because that would be pretty sweet.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
Breakfast Club is literally the only reason I go back for football games. In fact, I don't even go to the games - just the bars!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
scola's the sasquatch

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Howard -- Hm. Not sure. It feels like there will be fewer installments, but I never know. I don't plan them out beforehand. I'm sure they would probably benefit from a little more forethought.

RunBoilerRun -- Man, I've been meaning to make it back to a Breakfast Club for years. I do go to a game or so a year, and I try to tailgate. A couple years back, I tried to attend a Breakfast Club being held at the official alumni bar in Chicago, but it was awful. The drinks were outrageously expensive...even for Chicago...and nobody dressed up. Meh.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
Bawful -

The Alumni Club here in Dallas hosted one as well but the outcome had a similar result: no one other than my friend and I dressed up. We remedied this by pounding bloody marys, which resulted in me proceeding to rip off the track suit I was wearing and run up and down the bar in the unitard I had underneath every time we scored. I’m pretty sure we won the game thanks to my excessive cheering.

Blogger chris said...
To all you Brits out there:

Speaking of snarky words from your side of the world, snooker superstar Ronnie O'Sullivan unleashed one of them at a certain press conference in China last year...;)

AnacondaHL oughta see that spectacular video event at some point.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget "shite" and "Father Christmas"

Anonymous irish said...
I want more about Mat and less about your failing love life.

Anonymous pHLo said...
holy shit,
things are getting serious now

i can't wait for the next chapter!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ronnie the Rocket FTW ! i don't even watch snooker except when he's on

Blogger chris said...
Anonymous: Ronnie's angsty style reminds me of a certain time period in Dennis Rodman's life - the stage between his silent years and his full on craziness, if that makes any sense.

On the other hand, Quinten Hann sometimes reminds me of Starbury...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Am I the only one who finds this kid whiney, lost and annoying?

I really wouldn't want to live with Matt or Mat, but if you twisted my arm I'd choose big Mat every time.

Man, little Matt was about as socially inept as college freshmen come.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I call BS. Smells like revisionist history. First he's a punk nerd who can't even talk to girls. Now all of a sudden he's got a couple in love with him? Nope.

Anonymous kelten said...
"A few minutes later, I was back on the phone with Cindy. "I'd love to go to that Halloween dance with you.""

I just fist-pumped into the air at work.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"I call BS. Smells like revisionist history. First he's a punk nerd who can't even talk to girls. Now all of a sudden he's got a couple in love with him? Nope."

are you serious? you're telling me you never had this experience or seen this happen before?

it's called playing the game. little matt simply was pushed to that certain thrash hold by aimee's game, his own game started its awakening....

Blogger Mintz... said...
Does anyone else feel like a lot of these anonymous posters are really just one D-bag guy at home continuously ragging on our favourite author?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Woke up at 6:00 am to go to breakfast club? You went to sleep the night before?


Blogger RPK said...
best nba summer break ever.

holla from kuala lumpur

Blogger BoilerRunner08 said...
That is funny that Breakfast club is being brought up. And most people think I am talking about the movie...nope haha.

Example costume: my profile pic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Awesome stuff, keep it up!

Is Aimee a gypsy?

Another Bawful Cliffhanger™

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
I am reading the Part 14 comments (because I am very far behind, yes, I know), and I just want to say that I went to USC from 2001 to 2004 (aka The Carson Palmer, Matt Leinert, Reggie Bush, right before OJ Mayo Era); and, there was absolutely no reason to suspect that my school has ever been involved in Academic Dishonesty. Thank you.

P.S. Please don't take away our National Championship(s)... please?!

Blogger mrm3x1can said...
"...and let it coast the last block or so to her house, just so her parents wouldn't think my piece of shit car was a piece of shit car."

I literally started clapping when I read this. +1 internets for you Matt.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great Strongbad reference AnacondaHL.

Seriously guys, Mat's just telling the story. I could see complaining if he was making this up, but this is how it happened. If the story isn't what you like the screw off.

Great stuff man, keep it up.

Seriously, this is the only thing keeping me from going insane during the basketball offseason.

"Are you some kind of robot? And if so, what kind of powers do you have? Do you use them for good, or for awesome?"

Anonymous BuzzBuzzard said...
I'm transfixed by this series, but damn are parts of it weird from my perspective. I'm gay but nearly all my friends are straight, yet even still I had no idea that men sit around watching repeats of basketball games. I also had no idea that any high school "sweetheart" (no matter how weak), unless during a fight, would refuse a hug after having once kissed you and said she loved you. Even strangers hug all the time (in church, on meeting in-laws, in Europe, etc.)!

I have to agree that Aimee sounds like a manipulative monster. I would agree to briefly hug just about anyone I remotely care about, especially when saying a goodbye. It's not sexual; it's simply polite.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You should really consider writing a book. These recalls are fantastic, I really wonder what you could churn out given time to really think and edit whatever it is you've got on your mind.

Anonymous bizarro said...
i hate Aimee

Anonymous Anonymous said...
this is more interesting than the playoffs !!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Man you are such a dork
Youre writing is skill though is impressive.

Blogger ramon12 said...
no update today? I am quite disapponted. Already I have to wait until the afternoon because of the time difference but no update on top of that, you are hurting us.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
ramon12: Jeez, can't you give a guy 5 minutes for a break? I'M NOT A MACHINE, WOMAN!

(shhh the draft is already up)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Awesome story. I just started reading the day before yesterday when somone posted it on (rupp rafters). There was a thread going about this story. I checked it out and read the first 12 parts while at work I was hooked from the first paragraph. lol. Cant get enough keep it up. Anytime something gets this big there are always going to be haters, dont be that guy. Keep em coming.

Blogger Jim in KFalls said...

Browsing Blazer sites this morning, I came across this suggestion for some "Spanish Man Love Action"

Shows Rudy Fernandez and Sergio Rodriguez bumping uglies while Oden, Roy, and Outlaw look on with disbelief, or is that lust?

Blogger ukcalikat said...

Bball analogy - you're Josh Selby. You jumped on the first major to offer you a scholly. Then you look around and realize that Cindy or Susan might be better choices to get you to the "next level". You also realize that having to listen to Rocky Top 47 times a game may eventually drive you certifyably (sp?) insane. Please don't reopen your recruiting only to end up back in Knoxville. Say it ain't so!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is a great blog Matt! I think I enjoy it so much probably because I can relate in some way. I can't wait to read what happens next.

As to all of those who are criticizing, please remember this is HIS story, not yours. Would you write to James Patterson or Nora Roberts or Stephen King and tell them how to write their stories? (Please note that I am only using these authors as references and am in no way implying that Matt's story is fiction.) Just let the man write! If you don't like what he's writing, don't read it, no one is forcing you.

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@Chris; Thanks for reminding me of Rocket Ronnie's (in)famous "nosh" remark. Truly a work of inappropriate genius. He might be a barmpot but he's our barmpot. (As so many of them are):-)

Weirdly, I think Bawful is turning me onto bball. I've got so hungry for a fix, I'm reading his bball stuff and his prose is so good I'm beginning to like it. I even think I understand the Rodman ref. Tho' to be fair to Ronnie he's calmed down a lot lately.

Is Livin' Large just a sneaky plot to seduce the innocent into the bball world?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Call BS if you want to peeps, it at least significantly true (I was never present for any Kokomo escapades or these personal moments, but I saw the chicks and the drama from them)-. I personally witnessed Aimee et. al. turn Bawful into the awesomeness he is now, via emotional and sexual torture. Good times for me, though.

What makes it so ludicrous is that most of us on here are USDA Prime Assholes (especially me). Bawful wasn't, so these things that almost none of us would have tolerated are now our secret obsession at work.

Blogger Unknown said...
lol @ Shaq getting turned away from the white house...

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@Baddave: I think it has the ring of truth. Altho' Matt seems to have been a little priggish at times, he's not afraid to present his younger self warts and all. He just got right royally done over by a couple of prima donnaish, little madams; as unfortunately so many decent blokes do. Thus spoiling it for the rest of we women who don't behave like that.

Btw, what do you think of the guy who played Sock in Reaper, playing you, in the film/miniseries?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
G-D damn, you were a pussy.

Should have taken the lesson from Mat: say whatever needed to be said to both of these bitches in order for you to get into their pants.

How long did it take you to realize that was what college was all about.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
we get it already, you were lame. more mat.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I gotta say I don't think I've ever met someone who's as big of a dork as you. You were honestly 18, didn't drink, smoke pot, have sex, and got this excited about hugs, and kiss's? wtf....

Blogger Ermo said...
This reads like a male Bridget Jones diary. Narcissitic unattractive dude with few redeeming qualities somehow ends up with multiple women chasing him down.