Previous installments: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. Also check out the official Livin' Large FAQ

The next week with Mat was more of the same: he'd come home a little (or a lot) drunk, stay up all night, and partake in the carnal glory of random hookups. I was studying for a Calculus quiz one evening when he and some girl practically fell through the door together, laughing and talking like their eardrums were busted. Let me tell you, it isn't easy to work out the derivative of a function when there's a naked girl five feet away screaming about the size of your roommate’s genitalia. Sometimes all I could do was give up studying to go next door and visit Nathan until the shrieking stopped. I tried to tell myself it was only one year, but I still hade most of that year left to go. I really didn't want to keep living like that.

Mat, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. People loved him...and not just the ladies on campus. One day he received some gifts in the mail from "concerned alumni" who understood how "lonely and isolated" a foreign student could feel. He got a portable CD player, some cash, and a few other things I can't remember. Talk about isolation busters. I was pretty sure that kind of treatment violated several NCAA rules, but rules only apply if you get caught, right?

Free gifts weren't enough though. He had come up with a new gimmick: stealing CDs from frat parties. Mat's pockets were huge. So huge he could slip two or three CDs in them at at time. He returned to the dorm one particular evening flush with the excitement of a master thief. "Look at this shit," he exclaimed as he emptied his pockets.

"Don't you think those frat guys are going to miss their CDs?" I asked.

"Hell, are you kidding?" he bellowed. "Dey got so many CDs, dey'll never even know dese are gone. Besides," he said with a hint of menace, "nobody's gonna say shit to me, you know?"

Probably not. But still.

On Thursday, I decided it was time to become pro-active. I went to Brett and requested a room change, immediately if not sooner. He eyed me warily for a few ticks and then said, "I don't know if that's going to work. We don't have any vacancies in this wing."

"Fine," I said. "Move me anywhere. I don't care where. Up. Down. Over and around. There has to be an opening somewhere, right?"

Brett thought about it. "I don't know, tell you the truth."

I groaned.

"Look," Brett said, "talk to Mat again. I know, I know," he said as I glared daggers at him. "But just try. Give it the weekend. See if he responds. If he doesn't, I'll get you an appointment to talk to the hall manager."

"Okay, fine" I said. But I didn't like his plan. In fact, I hated it.

It was with a heavy heart that I approached Mat later that night. Jennifer was on her way over, so I had to work fast.

"Mat" I said. "How are, uh, things going?"

"Fine," he said, apathy and irritation oozing from his giant pores. I felt like a telemarketer or something.

"Look, man, here's the thing," I blurted out. "I just need a break from the all-nighters. And, like, if you want to have sex in the room, can you just let me know ahead of time. I'll make plans or something."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he said.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Nothing was going to change.

"By duh way, a couple girls called for you," he said, and he looked about as surprised as I felt. "Carolyn and Tiffany." He then handed me a piece of paper with their numbers on it.

Carolyn and Tiffany? Had I ever met a Carolyn, let alone a Tiffany? I had no idea. I was and still am terrible with names. There was this one girl in German class I'd been talking to, and I'd met another girl during a fountain run. (There's a large fountain in the middle of the campus, and there's a long and storied tradition of students running through it. Sadly, a litigation-conscious former university president conspired to enclose the water jet inside a large metal tube. Very lame.) So yeah, I knew two girls, but chances were they didn't know each other. I couldn't figure it out, and I was too nervous to call them back. I passed it off as a wrong number.

"Dude," Mat said. "It wasn't a wrong number. Dey asked for you by name." He seemed to want to get to the bottom of this great mystery: why girls would be calling his dweeby roommate.

I refused to give him the satisfaction. I didn't call back. You know, the old "cut off your nose to spite your face" routine.

Despite not getting much sleep, as usual, I woke up refreshed and invigorated. I was going home that weekend. Not just going home, either. I was getting face time with Aimee. It might have been my imagination, but I really believed she was warming up to the idea of being my girlfriend and not just my girl friend. I figured it was time to make my move. Only...I had no moves. Gulp.

On Friday night, I had dinner with my mom and hung out with my hometown buddies Greg and Gauvin. Those two guys had never really gotten along, but they tolerated each other when I was around. However, a fight almost broke out when we were cruising around in Greg's car, a sweet-ass 1957 Chevy Impala. Meat Loaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights" came on, and we all sung it together up until the woman's part. At which point Gauvin continued singing. By the time Gauvin belted out, "would you take me away, will you make me your wife," Greg was freaking out.


Gauvin realized his faux pas but refused to back down. "Whatever. I can sing whatever part I want."

Greg's eyes bulged. "THE GIRL'S PART? SERIOUSLY?!"

Things didn't improve. Not until the next night, anyway. Aimee's family was celebrating her brother's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. We ate pizza, played skee ball, and killed time until we could go hang out on our own. To this day, I still remember the absolutely hideous outfit I had on: blue jeans, brown weave belt (too long and tied into a little loop), and this long sleeve t-shirt that was made up of thick, alternating, horizontal purple stripes. If I ever finish my time machine, I'm going back to that night to kick myself in the groin for dressing like that.

Aimee and I went back to my house to watch a movie. Mercifully, my mom stayed in her room to give us some privacy. We ended up watching a chick flick: Dirty Dancing. This was not a new situation. Aimee had brought her friend Heather over the previous summer so we could all watch The Bodyguard together. One thing led to another and we took turns giving two-on-one massages in what was probably the most erotic moment of my life to that point. Not that anything sexy was all very above-the-clothes and chaste. But I was an 18-year-old virgin. Kitchen tile was erotic to me. Sadly, the fun ended when Heather started getting a little too frisky with me and Aimee cooled me off with a couple ice cubes down the pants.

On this night, there was no Heather and no ice. We watched the movie without really watching the movie. You probably know how that is. After it ended, I turned off the TV and we just talked for a while. The conversation eventually turned to my feelings for her. She smiled and blushed and tried to hide behind her hair. Then, and I don't remember exactly how it began, we kissed for the very first time.

I was terrible.

Seriously, it was like I lost all control of my lips. They became these thick, rubbery, lifeless things. Honestly, it was humiliating. I pulled back to apologize for sucking at the whole kissing thing, but Aimee said, "Sssh. Just relax. It's okay." And we tried again. And again. I didn't get any better.

At some point, I pulled back and said, softly, "Where do we go from here?" What I meant was, "Does this mean we're a couple now?" Aimee took it to mean, "Wanna have sex?"

She jumped up and said, "Uh, I go home and you go to bed!"

It took me a second, but I figured out what she was thinking. "No," I said, a little flustered. "I mean, where does our relationship go from here. Like, are we dating? I mean, like a couple."

She looked very tiny and afraid at that moment. So unsure. For some reason, seeing her look so vulnerable made my heart pound even harder against my chest.

"I don't know, Matthew McHale," she said. I knew it was serious when she pulled out my full name. "I...really don't know."

Then we hugged and she walked out to her car -- this huge, rusty old Ford truck -- and motored away. Don't laugh at this, but I honest-to-God watched her drive away and thought, in complete seriousness, "I screwed that up...and I might never get the chance to kiss a girl again." What a schmuck.

I went over to Aimee's house for lunch the next day. I was hoping the previous night's passion would still be alive, but Aimee was moody and distant. She also took great pains to avoid discussing anything romantic. I somehow ended up feeing both incredibly excited and utterly frustrated. Such is the life of a teenager in love.

The ride back to school was steeped in gloom. My mom became concerned over my dreary silence, so I told her I was just bummed about Aimee. In reality, I was filled with dread. I didn't want to go back to living with Mat.

When I stepped into our room, I discovered my fears were totally justified. Once again, the place was trashed. All my food and soda had been consumed. (My Kleenex, however, were untouched.) My bed had been stripped and my sheets were where, exactly, I never discovered. I ended up pulling Mat's mangy sheets off his bed and exchanging them for fresh linen. The only saving grace was that Mat didn't return that night. I figured, with any luck, I'd never have to spend another night sleeping across from him.

Brett got me in to see the hall manager the very next day. At first, I tried to be cool. I explained to Chad that me and Mat didn't have much in common, and that it would probably be best for both of us if I moved out.

"I'm really sorry, Matt," Chad said, "but that's impossible. The hall if full. I don't have a single opening in any room, on any floor, of any wing. But look," he continued, "Mat's a great guy. I'm sure if you talk to him, you can work everything out."

"No, it won't." I said. Then I spilled my guts. I talked about the booze, the occasional drug use, the fact that he slept with a different woman every night. I told Chad that Mat never went to class, that he stayed up all night, that he ignored me when I asked for compromise. I didn't want to get Mat in trouble. I didn't want revenge. All I wanted was a new room assignment. And I really figured that what I told Chad would seal the deal...and maybe even get Mat kicked out (even though I didn't want that to happen, if only so that I could avoid his wrath).

"Matt, there's something you need to understand," Chad said. "Student athletes are special people. They're under a tremendous amount of stress. It isn't easy balancing school work and classes and all their responsibilities to the team. We have to be patient with them, and very understanding. We have to make special allowances for them because student athletes make our lives better. They represent the university. They give of their bodies and minds so we can feel happy and excited about our teams. Don't you think that the least you can do in repayment is give Mat a little of that patience and understanding I was talking about?"

He phrased it like a question, but it wasn't one.

I walked back to my room feeling completely defeated. Mat was my roommate, and he would continue to be my roommate whether I liked it or not. I briefly considered asking my mom to get involved, but that would have been way too humiliating. All I could do was endure and count down the days.

And maybe plot a little revenge...

Part 9

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Blogger GonzoPal said...
love havin you in europe! a new post perfectly for the lunchbreak ;)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Awww poor Matt! But a good installment. Can't wait for the sweet revenge.

Anonymous reggyray said...
I'd have told Chad to go screw himself.

Word verification: sumpest

"Mat was your sumpest while trying to do Calculus."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Stop with the cliff hangers already!

So are you Kevin McHale's son?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So basically I got to miss all this roommate from hell happiness and joy by pledging into a frat.

Anonymous bizarro said...
same here :) nice reading at lunch time

Blogger Unknown said...
Great story. I'll admit, I hadn't been to Basketbawful until I heard about this story, but I think I'll be starting from now on.

And don't worry, fountain runs are still a frequent pasttime. I'm sure they aren't as fun as before the metal tube was put in place, but it still does the job.

Blogger Will said...
Well, it sure sounds like Mat was making your life better and he certainly gave of his body everyday.

Blogger FFS said...
Great story so far.....some of the funniest writing going on the net at the moment,basketball or non basketball the cliff hangers....

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I probably woulda snapped at that hall manager, who obviously didn't know Mat at all or even listened to you.

Wow, you took calculus your freshman year. Pretty impressive. I took calculus my second semester at school and the class was packed with foreign kids,all freshmen, while the few US kids had taken a ton of math prereqs...

Blogger XForce23 said...
Chad = giant tool

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
REVEEENNNGGEE! Fabulous work.

Clippers looking to get Allen Iverson...I jinxed them. I was at the gym Sunday and joked if anyone knew how many shots non Z-Bo and A.I. players would be taking for the Grizz. Little did I know A.I. had not signed with the Grizz, yet.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
You messed up the 2-on-1 massage?! Well I can't say much since I was geeky enough to screw up the topless massage back in my college days, but damn seriously the 2-on-1 is like, the easiest surefire road to the threeway, atleast according to The Game.

Blogger Wormboy said...
It's cool for a guy to sing the chick's part in "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights" as long as you use a comical falsetto. The funnier the safer.

Blogger senormedia said...
For those college or pre-college students reading along and having (or anticipating) similar situations, I have one word for you: Ombudsman (aka, The Fixer).

If that doesn't work, a call to the ombudsman from your attorney will work (that might be the best $150 you spend at college).

Anonymous doakSHO said...
That stupid tube around the fountain looks ridiculous. They put it in after my freshman year, so I was there before and after the destruction.

By the way, do you still follow your alma mater's basketball team? I mean, they're going to be pretty decent this season.

Anonymous Marc said...
Reading about Chad's reaction to your (very justified) complaints made me go Wow! What a dick!

Then I thought about it a little more and with the way college atheletes are immortalized at American colleges it's actually not that surprising. I bet that kind of thing happens all the time even today. There's no better sure-fire way to breed rebellion than to have unjust rules coming down from people in authority. I hope your revenge was to lead all the nerds in taking back Academia from the knuckle-dragging troglodytes.

I'm glad I went to college in Canada where athelete-worship is not institionualized. That shit is disgusting.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
A little history for you folks regarding higher education. So, in the fifties and sixties, college were very lassiez-faire; litigations were pretty much unheard of and parents still parented. If college kids went crazy, well, they didn't shoot, mangle, or maim each other and that was enough.

In the 70s and 80s, government (also known as THE MAN) started passing new acts that regulated equity and access. Title IX and the ADA act are good examples. In short, due to broader social issues college got a bit more responsible.

By the late 80s and 90s, lawsuits were becoming more common (flagshipped by a hot-chocolate incident at a McDonald's drive through). Colleges had to react, for despite the price of college they don't have a ton of money left around. But administrators, alumni and students all enjoyed the wanton freedom from before, so they imposed a ton of rules and enforced them irregularly. Thus, athletis and athletes were (and still are) among the most privileged of students.

So, Chad was in a little bind. He could have supported Bawful, but if he went higher someone above him would have just put Bawful back in his place. Despite that fact, I believe and always will that Chad belonged to that old-boys club. He pandered to the athletes without much influence from above, and the athletic department loved him for it.

Here's something else to keep in mind, Mat here was, to the populace, no trouble. We had athletes (like any D-1 school) that did MUCH worse without repercussion; Bawful just happened to be the wrong guy and thus the only guy significantly affected by Mat. Despite his size, the dude was really a ghost on the floor.

Blogger chris said...
Marc: Of course, in the movie version of Livin' Large, the nerds will beat Team Big Mat in an epic pickup game of bawful, right?

Blogger chris said...
BTW, I gotta ask: in retrospect, did Aimee do a good job of helping you cope with your roommate? Did she understand what you were going through?

Blogger BJ said...
Man, Dirty Dancing was created for horny people to not watch. And you are a card-carrying, dues paying, running for shop steward bastard for ending this on a cliffhanger like that.

Blogger Will said...
This edition had a smorgasbord of Bawful's college. Some sexcapades here, a little Aimee drama there, even some superdickery from an administrator.

Anonymous Carolyn and Tiffany said...
"Hi, Matt. [giggle]. Our names are Carolyn and Tiffany. We've never met you before, but we know you're a really [giggle] big blogger now, and I bet that means you have a big [deep breath] penis [giggle]. And I was hoping you might want to [deep breath] put it in us. If you're interested, please call me at [phone number]. Byeeee!"

(this message is not fake and was not written by AnacondaHL)

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
If someone said that to me I would be rolling on the floor dying. Then I'd ask him if he actually believed what he just said.

Good story. Hope you can get some summer league awfulness in if this thing ends this week. :)

Like only Adam Morrison is playing for the Lakers team and everyone else are a bunch of no names.

Anonymous Ray1981 said...
It's been mentioned before but i also had the idea that this really has some great film potential. Instant classic with the right cast!

Having done my homework like many other people, i just want to add that seeing the real mat on youtube made it even more fun for me. He looked almost exactly like i had been imagining him. You can just see it in his face, what a douchebag he is.
He also looks like a really lame pro-asskicker. Apart from the obvious size advantage...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So bawful, if your time machine allowed you to do more than kicking yourself in the groin while you were at Chuck E. Cheese, what would you have done if you also went to see yourself at [college name not deleted by admin]? Would you have done something about Big Mat, or Little Matt?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
these stories are great. Do you have enough material to make into a book?

Anonymous Marc said...

I'm not sure I buy your "no trouble to the populace" argument. Sure, he wasn't going around raping innocent women but he WAS going around taking unfair advantage of innocent women as well as stealing. Taco Bell Jennifer's life was (probably) irrevocably ruined by Mat's "misbehaviour". He could have been worse, sure, but as you say, there actually was much worse. The system is just as much to blame as Mat was for allowing it to happen. I can't even really imagine what it must be like to attend a school with a successful sports program. I imagine everyone gets caught up in the mob mentality. I probably would have been too.


Absolutely! Team Nerd wins through a combination of steadfastness, team-play, fundamentals, and a super-athlete ringer who turns out to be a secret nerd-at-heart and changes teams at the last possible moment. The final scene shows a tender moment where all the hoopies throw themselves at the nerds' feet, resulting in mass premature ejaculation.

Heartwarming, I know!

Blogger Henchman #2 said...
Take comfort in knowing that the instinct that kept you from flipping Chad's desk and spitting in his face is also the instinct that likely saved you from receiving a fractured orbital bone and 4 missing teeth courtesy of Mat (which, judging from his youtube video, would have been the most boring beatdown of all time).

Blogger Lord Kerrance said...
As a Canadian (what up, Marc) I was shocked at the excesses my cousin described when she went to the US on a field hockey scholarship: athletes had their own gym, their own club, their own library.

Loving this series, but I have to ask -- are we gonna see a Worsties this year?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I also put in a request to change rooms to get away from my pot dealing roommate. I had inside information that an extra room was available and was friends with the roommate of another pot dealer. We talked to the hall administrator about taking the room. She told us that she didn't like the idea of letting both pot dealers having their own rooms as somehow the two goody goody, meek roommates were supposed to keep them in check. Anyways, I was happy for that decision myself as I finally gave in and sampled my roommate's stuff. The rest of my freshman year was much, much more fun.

Blogger Victor said...
Ooooh, chris, I'm going to take a guess at your question and say that Aimee was probably completely unhelpful and not understanding. Either that or Bawful never brought it up to her (pussied out). Am I right on either account, Bawful?

I hate Aimee. Bitch.

So you NEVER called those girls back? I thought this was going to be the situation that led to Mat's wonderful advice consisting of "Fuck them both." You were your own worst cockblock, Mr. McHale. Oh, another thing, I just realized you two had the same first name. Did people use your last names too when they called or what?

Shoulda frisked Heather back. Either would have led to something with her or Aimee would have gotten jealous and joined in!

"They're under a tremendous amount of stress. It isn't easy balancing school work and classes and all their responsibilities to the team."

Did Chad even listen to what you said about the guy not going to class? What a complete douche.

I remember my friend's brother roomed with a future NBA player who played in the playoffs last season. I'll have to ask him sometime if it was nearly as... entertaining.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Chad probably got paid in ladies LMAO
the way I see it only you are repaying what about everyone else? hahahhahaha

Blogger Henchman #2 said...

Regarding going to a school with a big time sports team: Some people go to school specifically for that. My school won the NCAA basketball title my freshman year, and it was pretty sick. I'm pretty sure our own Future NBA All-Star slept with whoever he felt like, and did whatever he wanted, because lots of people wanted to be around him.

That's what makes this story so unique: Athletes almost always live with other athletes. They're sectioned off, and you don't really have to deal with this crap if you don't want to. By a Big Mat-sized stroke of bad luck, Bawful had to live through (and fortunately for us, relate the story of) a year where he couldn't get away from it. It's like someone getting press-ganged into a season of The Real World.

Blogger chris said...
Okay, so Carolyn and Tiffany...would you folks be the type to, say, get a low-rent job at a particular Mexican-ish fast food place to fund Bawful's blogging career?


Anonymous Anonymous said...
BadDave, I have to agree with Marc here...

I was an RA in college (at a school not too far from where you guys went, although it was quite a bit smaller even though it was still D1) and had quite a few athletes on my floor over the years. I never had any basketball players (they were all put in the same complex, for better or for worse), but I had baseball and hockey players as well as runners. As far as I knew, I was supposed to treat the student athletes just like any other student. I was never told to coddle them or let them get away with anything. Often times they THOUGHT they should get away with certain things, but the RA team we had was very against the inequalities that brought about. I just can't get over what a bastard Chad was in the situation - here's a frustrated and scared kid having to deal with a mammoth of an asshole (there's no way Chad didn't know this) pouring his heart out trying to get help. If Chad were actually doing his job, he would have helped beyond saying, "Deal with it, he's special and we will do anything for him." I'm mad that Brett didn't take further action too. It doesn't sound like Bawful was being particular about where he was moved to, and I can guarantee there was a placement SOMEWHERE for him. Chad was just too much of a lazy prick to do anything about it. God I'm infuriated at this. Matt should have been able to get out of there if his RA and hall director really took his problems seriously, and they should have.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Marc - Good point. By my phrase, I meant that his trouble was low-profile. Mat didn't hit the papers for anything (especially basketball) and was pretty much a public non-entity.

Hell, our star athletes didn't do as well. Even our NFL hall-of-famer had a little public shenanigans.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Haha, do I detect some ulterior motive as a fellow blogger to bawful, chris?

Blogger AK Dave said...
Dear Aimee and Matt:

SERIOUSLY- who the (word that KG blah blah) goes to CHUCK E CHEESES on their NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY?? (or 18th, whatever). Am I the only one who noticed this? Jesus, I feel like I'm taking CRAZY PILLS!!

Follow-up question: did you guys go in through the little mouse-door or the adult entrance? 2nd follow-up question: did you buy her some gummi-worms or a little plastic spider-ring with your skee-ball tickets? (/worlds biggest facepalme) Perhaps a stuffed hippopotamus from "The Claw" game?

(/epic double facepalm)

This is getting downright painful to read (in a "The Office" good kind of way)- you can't INVENT awkwardness like this!

I think you should consider writing your novel in the form of a Greek Epic: these first 8 parts (and your time with Mat in general) would clearly be "the separation". BadDave's influence would bring on "the initiation", where you begin to shed your innocence and temper your nerddom, and 5th Year Bawful would be "the return", in which you PWN some freshmen P.

Think about it dude. It could become a TRILOGY; just like Star Wars (Episodes I-III do not exist in my mind).

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Naw chris, that's the tragic thing about Taco Bell Jennifers. The tough girls and the airhead girls, they can deal with the consequences in their own way (through ignorance or just being tough). But the Taco Bell Jennifers just get sucked into the vortex of despair, lose-lose situations despite being bright girls.

By the way, my theory is that Carolyn and Tiffany was just Mat's way of trying to do something nice for Matt, similar to the sloppy seconds and wingman incidents. I'm sure Mat just told them to "show my roommate a good time, together, he's been in a slump, then afterwards we can talk about us". Rather, he was offering you "dibs" and taking sloppy seconds. If you ever meet Mat again I will fly wherever in the world to party with this guy.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: I doubt that "bright" and "working in fast food and quitting school just to make a low-IQ pseudo-baller happy" go together in the same sentence...

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
You doubt wrong then. You'd be amazed at how little it matters, the intelligence or brightness of the girl, when it comes to manipulation and the power of suggestion. But whatever, it's hard to believe if you've never seen it for yourself.

Anonymous Wreckre8 said...
As another alum of the unnamed university during this era (95') I have to chime in. My roomate(another art major)had classes with Big Mat and I clearly remember the comments about him - "The dude is huge but is dumber the a bag of hammers..." Also if my memory serves me correct I think Big Mat left the university with a BA and a Master in Art..... Due to redshirting his freshman year and having 5 years which is crazy listening to his schoolwork habits. Lastly I was at the game (had floor seats) where Big mat missed his one and only dunk attempt during his basketball career.... oh how we laughed...

Anonymous Wormboy said...
I'm with AnacondaHL. Remember, these folks are 18 years old. You'd be surprised by how much stupidity an otherwise bright 18 year old is capable of. First, I'm a professor with a presumably high IQ, right? I performed monumental feats of stupidity at age 18 (actually, on into my early 20s). Second, as a professor, I see plenty of otherwise smart people around me continue to do idiotic things throughout their lives.

In other words, smart /= common sense.

On another note, I want to give a nod to Bawful for "Living Large." Not for entertainment purposes (though that aspect is pure awesome), but for real life drama purposes. Bawful is not white-washing this story to make himself look good. And he's taking some flak for it. But two things have occurred to me. First, the story is much more valuable for having the real Bawful at 18 as the protagonist. Second, the more I read this, the more I respect Bawful as a man. Sure, many guys think that the definition of man is getting laid as frequently as possible with as many women as possible. Bawful, though clearly naive, is obviously a good kid. He's the kind of guy I was friends with in college, and I like to think he has come out ahead in life because of how he conducted his life.

Or, hell, I'm reading way too much into what is a very entertaining and astonishing story.

Blogger said...
the president killed it for us...

we were no longer allowed to run through that fountain nude, but we did streak through Class of 1950 completely nude!

Blogger Tyranr King said...
I can't believe he wouldn't throw a little tail you way. What a jerk.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
AK Dave: It says they went to Chuck E. Cheese's for Aimee's brother, who we could probably assume is of elementary school age.

Rex i: Did you miss the entire section of "sloppy seconds" jokes?! And the part where he asked Matt to stay and have sex with the girl's friend? Mat threw, Matt let the ball hit him in the head and roll away.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Some quick hits:

1. I am not related to Kevin McHale...fortunately or unfortunately. I haven't figured out which.

2. Regarding manager Chad: This wasn't the only time that he and I bumped heads over a student athlete...only the next time, I was older and more willing to be shitty about it. I might tell that story in a postscript. Anyway, Brett claimed that the dorm got some kind of financial kickback for housing athletes, and they got more $$ the more athletes they housed. Plus, supposedly housing athletes was a draw to potential dorm-dwellers. BadDave, you managed at our school for a while. Did the dorms get some compensation for athletes?

3. Yeah, I took calc my freshman year because was, oddly enough, very good at math. Terrible at story problems, but I could crunch the shit out of numbers. I took an accelerated course, I think it was 161, which combined two semesters into one.

4. I sure do follow my old team. I was out on St. Patty's day weekend last year watching the hell out of their games. Ah, good times.

5. Aimee was sometimes sympathetic about my troubles Mat, but other times she was like, "Just tell him off." Of course, she wasn't so brazen when she actually met him face to face.

6. By the way, the story doesn't shine a particularly good light on Aimee, and that's not really my intention. I'm simply trying to express how I felt and what I was going through at that time, at that age. If Aimee was writing the story, I'm sure the perspective would be quite different. I might come off as a whiny little bitch who wouldn't stop pestering her...and sometimes that's what I probably was.

7. Don't worry. I called Carolyn and Tiffany back.

8. If I get my time machine working, I would definitely have some words with Little Matt. Toughen him up. Put him through a Rocky-like montage. Then help him kill Big Mat in his sleep.

9. We did NOT go to Chuck E. Cheese for my or Aimee's birthday. It was her bro's b-day, and I think he was 11 at the time. Still, even if it HAD been my b-day, Chuck E. Cheese is actually a hot time by Kokomo standards.

10. Mat was indeed an art student. And believe it or not, he was really good...when he tried. But most of the time he half-assed his way through assignments. I know, shocking.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
bballnc10 - Uhh, my comments were really mostly objective. If you want my viewpoint, I'm totally against the special treatment of athletes. And what's better is that my career is now in Student Affairs; I literally now do Chad's job. I would never have handled it that way. I was just trying to demonstrate that Chad wasn't a total dick - just a willing cog in the machinery of NCAA athletics and life, which is one of the points of this whole series. Hell, some folks in Chad's position would have moved Bawful to some mop closet muttering about the only thing open just to shut him up. Of course, that cop-out works both ways; most students treated that way appreciate even that Cinderella treatment.

I now work in a D-3 school. Believe it or not, it still happens a little. But not by me or my department.

Anonymous JoeH said...
Everyone should check out the NY Times article announcing Mat's signing with [insert school name here]. Seems it was viewed as quite a recruiting coup back then.

Also, you seriously should try publishing this, Mr. Bawful, if you haven't already.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Another plug by Henry Abbott on Truehoop:

"And as long as we're considering the merits of more or less insisting top players go to college, Basketbawful's Matt McHale continues his amazing series (names and identifying stuff mostly changed) on being the college roommate of an elite NCAA basketball player. A typical passage includes talk of McHale meeting with dorm honchos, trying to get assigned to a different room"

Odd, I thought the typical passage was Mat doing miscellaneous girls...Either way, this series is getting epic. It was ranked right under Sotomeyer on sports law, and above Ron Ron visiting a Lakers facility. Imagine that, above a Ron Ron visit!!!

But seriously, great series bawful. Will a video of what would hypothetically happen if you got to travel back in time become our next great youtube hit?

Blogger chris said...
Wormboy: Nice praise, though wait until "Fifth Year" to see how Matt faced a lot of the similar issues...well as similar as it gets for a nonathlete. :p

So in theory, if I keep posting at this site, I'll become a professor of awesome too? Sweet.

Blogger chris said...
#6 and #7 - Okay, how did Aimee compare to the others in the story (Shelly, Taco Bell Jennifer, Carolyn and Tiffany) in terms of looks and personality and common sense?

#8 - That's in the movie version, right?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Just want to comment on how much I've enjoyed reading this series. It's incredibly well written, so much in fact, that I showed it to a female friend of mine with very little interest in basketball, and she's completely hooked.

Blogger AK Dave said...
9. We did NOT go to Chuck E. Cheese for my or Aimee's birthday. It was her bro's b-day, and I think he was 11 at the time. Still, even if it HAD been my b-day, Chuck E. Cheese is actually a hot time by Kokomo standards.

OK, my fault. I'm so psyched to read this stuff that I'm speed-reading through it and I missed an important detail.

HOW-EVAAAHHH!!! (/Stephen A) I would still like to know if you went through the mouse door and bought the spider ring. Or maybe a glow-in-the-dark skeleton. Or a HUGE swirly-rainbow lollipop (use your imagination; that one could have been fun... annnnd I'm demented).

Oh, oh oh, and I almost forgot: It's JEFFERSON, not HAMILTON!! Lol and you thought we were harsh. All you need to do to get comments on By the Horns is make a little mistake like that I guess.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
It's pretty much a given that Aimee was doing other people. She was also definitely toying with Lil' Matt. "Sssh. Just relax. It's okay." WTF? How Lil' Matt was strung along forms a nice parallel storyline to how Jennifer was strung along.

On a different note. I was in a similar roommate situation once upon a time. Maybe not the athlete roommate part but the judo champ roommate part. I ended up goading him into a fight in the hallway. I got a pair of black eyes and a new roommate the next day. No pain, no gain, I guess. I can see why you wouldn't want to get punched in the face by a 7-footer though.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
McHale, Henry at T-Hoop just identified this as your story of being the roomate of a top college athlete. Unintentional comedy at it's finest for those that knew the guy, I'm sure.

Blogger AK Dave said...
You'd be amazed at how little it matters, the intelligence or brightness of the girl, when it comes to manipulation and the power of suggestion. But whatever, it's hard to believe if you've never seen it for yourself.


Anonymous poptarted said...
I went to Chuck-E-Cheese for my 25th. Not as delicious or cool as I remembered, but still a decent time.

Anonymous Arlen said...
"First, the story is much more valuable for having the real Bawful at 18 as the protagonist. Second, the more I read this, the more I respect Bawful as a man. Sure, many guys think that the definition of man is getting laid as frequently as possible with as many women as possible. Bawful, though clearly naive, is obviously a good kid. He's the kind of guy I was friends with in college, and I like to think he has come out ahead in life because of how he conducted his life."

Agree fully, and well said. Gained lots of respect for the Bawful from these pieces, especially because so many posts on the internet are the complete opposite of this 'character' and it takes some true balls to say things as they were. It also makes the story much more interesting and the character is really well told/explained

Anonymous Anonymous said...
im a little late on the whole series, but what school did matt attend? and during what years?

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Poptarted: I went to Chuck-E-Cheese for my 25th. Not as delicious or cool as I remembered, but still a decent time.

That's because you can drink beer when you're 25. And the pizza there is ueber-greasy. Which is cool- when you're 8 and you only want sausage and pepperoni on it anyway. :D

I'm not knockin' the Chuck, or anybody who goes there, but here's the thing: CEC's is awesome up until the age of 11, and after the age of 21. 6th grade is the beginning of middle school, and even if you're still in elementary, 6th graders don't go to CEC's anymore.

If you're 12, you're pretty much too old to run around and play in the pit of balls (no double entendre intended, sickos). Get your butts above the hard deck. I don't want to hear any arguments on this one.

From 12-20, you've got no business being there (unless you're unlucky enough to be in a situation like 'Bawful with a family member/friend who is of age). You're too old to go and play the games without looking like a DB with a Peter Pan complex, and too young to drink beer with the parents in that funny room with the oversized stuffed animal band playing lame music waaay too loud. You're a Chuck E Cheeses "tweener". Which sucks.

However, at 21, the clouds part, angels appear wearing white robes and holding pitchers of cheap, not-quite-cold-enough-to-hide-the-nasty-flavored beer. It doesn't matter anyway, because you can't taste anything since you've burned the top of your mouth in your rush to eat that broiling, bubbling grease wheel with nothing but pepperoni on it.

Good times... I remember when they had "report card days" and you would get 4 tokens for every "A" and 3 for every "B" you got on your report card.


Blogger chris said...
Buck Nasty: I can't help but guffaw at that description, every time.

Blogger Unknown said...
I love "Livin' Large" like everyone else, but I was just wondering if any more "worsties" were coming out in the near future. If they're not, it's all good -- I was just curious.

Blogger Thepiler said...
How many chicks do you think Mat nailed during your time as is roommate?

Anonymous BenR said...
This is the best use of an NBA offseason by an NBA blog that will ever exist... I am making 'Bawful my homepage.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is fascinating, and casts an interesting light on the whole USA college situation.

Coming from Down Under, we have a very different university system where very few people live in dorms, and there is no big university sports scene as such: state-based leagues usually form the second tier to the national competitions.

I know that high-profile athletes get some favourable treatment here, but would be nowhere near the ridiculous importance assigned to them in the US! That's pretty messed up.

Anonymous JR said...
Depends what university you are at Anonymous, but its pretty much the same here. I've been fairly involved with Sydney Uni Sport over the years and athletes get a lot of special treatment similar to this. I can't tell you how much we got away with as scholarship athletes living on campus, not to mention academically.

That being said I'm not condoning it, but it definitely plays a part. You don't remember when Ian Thorpe (Aussie swimmer for those who aren't aware) was being offered the chance to do Medicine at Uni without taking any entrance exams?

Have been meaning to say for a while, thanks a lot for this series bawful it has been amazing!

Anonymous CaliFresh said...
Matt, you need to start writing Bromance Novels. Me and a couple of buddies are hooked to this series. Update MOAR!!!

Anonymous Manu Ginobili said...
Future NBA All Star was a beast in the game NBA Inside Drive! He was literally everything people hoped for in that game hahaha. Big, strong, fast, can dribble, shoot, post up, dunk on everyone... and without the intangibles! Unstoppable in a duo with [player not to be named in order to protect identity of F-NBA-S, but has nickname that rhymes with Shuttlesworth].

You should provide a celebrity or just a google image that remotely looks like shelly of then... that would spice the series up even more

Anonymous Scorpion said...
your such a softy dude, 1, how could you be in love with a girl you never slept with and 2, why wouldnt you lap up the life with mat, that guy sounds awesome haha. should have shipped him to australia we would have happily taking him in our dorms!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I just stumbled upon your series today, and these stories are just too damn good...not to mention reminiscent!

Not only do I know, from the info you've shared, where you went to school(as I am an alum myself) and who Mat and the FNAS are (my senior year was the first year of playing eligibility for FNAS), but you told me in this post where you and BadDave lived! I was pretty sure before (across from the co-rec...built in 1958), but mentioning Chad nailed it down! I lived just down the hall from you in SE3 (only a couple years earlier)...Excalibur!

Congrats to a fellow alum on a MOST excellent blog series. Keep the stories coming!