Previous installments: Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Also check out the official Livin' Large FAQ, Cast List, Flow Chart 1.0, and Flow Chart 2.0.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked. Aimee's words had been crystal clear. She had finally said what I'd been waiting for months to hear: that she wanted to be with me. But I needed to hear it again. I had to be sure.

"I want us to be together," she repeated.

"Boyfriend and girlfriend? Committed?"

"Yes," she said somewhat breathlessly.

"Wow," I said. "Hey, can I call you right back?"

"Wh...what?" She sounded utterly dumbstruck.

"I just, you know, need a few minutes to mull this over."

"Are you for real?" she asked, confusion giving way to panic. "I thought this was what you wanted? This is what you want, isn't it?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so," I said. "But like I said, I've gotta think about it."

"I can't believe this," she said.

"Right, okay, talk to you in a few." I hung up.

Now THIS was a dilemma. I had spent most of the past three years longing after two girls who had repeatedly rejected me, and now both of them were at my mercy. At the same time no less. I now got to choose between them. My head was spinning at this strange twist of fate.

Mat, who often showed an unexpected interest in my love life (or lack thereof), had been listening intently to the conversation. He was watching me expectantly.

"Now Aimee wants to date me too," I said. "Both of the girls I've always wanted want me now."

"That's cool," Mat said. "So, whatchya gonna do?"

"I have no idea," I said.

"I thought Aimee was the one you wanted to be with," he said.

"She was. She is. But now I don't know. Everything's happening so fast."

"Don't pick between 'em then," he said.

"What?"

"Don't pick between 'em," he said again.

"I don't see how that could possibly work," I said.

"Didn't you tell me they don't talk? That they never gonna see each other?"

"Uh, yeah," I said.

"Then it's easy. Fuck 'em both. That way you get what you want."

I gaped at him. "I can't do that."

"You should. You're gonna regret it if you don't. Trust me." Satisfied with his sage-like advice, he put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his giant chair while a self-satisfied smile spread across his face.

That advice wasn't going to work. Maybe for Mat, but not for me. I sat back down behind my desk to think but immediately decided I wanted more input. I went next door to talk to Nathan.

"Forget for a moment who you want more. Don't let petty lust guide you," he said. "Ask yourself this: who's the better person? Who walks in the light?"

"I don't care about the light, Nathan."

"Of course you don't. Not right now, anyway. But you will," he said with the same kind of confidence Mat had when telling me to fuck them both. "Make the right choice today and you'll have fewer regrets tomorrow."

"And, just to be clear, by 'who walks in the light' you mean..."

"The Godly woman," Nathan said.

"And barring that," said Nathan's roommate, Ron, who poked his head around a book he was reading, "choose the more attractive of the two."

"Cool, thanks," I said, even though that wasn't the advice I was looking for either.

I walked down to the lobby and used the courtesy phone to call my basketball buddy Joe. He said, "Aimee's the girl you've been pursuing. Cindy sort of came back out of nowhere. It seems like you have a lot invested in Aimee and very little invested in Cindy. If it were me, I'd go with my big emotional investment and see what happens."

Next up on the call list was Susan. "I'm not going to tell you what to do," she said. "You've got to figure that out for yourself. But I don't see how you can have any faith in Aimee at this point. She's really been jerking you around. You might want to see how things go with this Cindy chick."

Okay, so that was one vote for fuck them both, one vote for the Godly woman, one vote for the hotter one, and one vote each for Aimee and Cindy. So much for coming to a consensus. You know, the thing that kills me the most about this particular memory is how I actually thought that my friends found my drama as compelling as I did. That's a teenager for you: nothing could possibly be any bigger than what they're going through at that moment.

I slumped back into the room. "You figure it out yet?" Mat asked. He seemed to be enjoying this.

"Not really," I said. Then, on impulse, "You know what? Screw it. I'm picking Aimee."

"You sure 'bout dat?" Mat said.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am."

I called Aimee back. I gave her my answer. We talked love and relationships late into the night.

That was Monday, November 1st. As luck would have it, Aimee had an upperclassman friend who was dating someone at my school. More importantly, that girl, Colleen, had a car and was visiting her boyfriend that Friday night. She had agreed to bring Aimee with her so we could see each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time.

I was so excited that I immediately told Mat about her visit, mostly because he was the closest and most convenient human being available. "That's cool," was all he said. I briefly considered asking him to make himself scarce when she arrived, but it hardly seemed necessary. He always disappeared on the weekends. That was one of the few things I could always count on with him.

The week passed with me in a state of agitated excitement. All I could think about was Aimee's visit. Classes seemed more boring than usual. The only point of interest that week was an odd moment in my calculus class. My professor, Mr. Swenson, was the world's biggest dork. He stood about 5"4, looked like he weighed 98 pounds (assuming he had bricks in his pockets), wore giant honkin' glasses, and sported an ugly comb-over/wispy mustache combo. Worse yet, he was terribly clumsy. Professor Swenson could barely walk from one end of the chalkboard to the other without tripping, dropping a piece of chalk or fumbling an eraser to the floor.

Now, a lot of times guy like that lack self-awareness. Not Professor Swenson. He realized he was a dork and seemed to live in a constant state of embarrassment due to that knowledge. But he was confident in one area: math. So during a recitation that week, one of my classmates asked some meaningless question about some meaningless problem from one of our assignments. I was only half paying attention, so I don't remember what the question was, but I do remember Swenson saying, "I could solve that problem in two, three, perhaps even four different ways. With my ability in mathematics, I can do almost anything!"

The whole class just stood and watched him for a moment. Once again self-conscious and embarrassed, Professor Swenson went back to scribbling out answers on the board.

Friday arrived. I had only one class and I was too jittery to sit around the room, so I wandered around campus for a while and met with my German Language Club for lunch. I stopped by the APO office, left a note on the message board for Susan, signed up for a couple service events, and then went to pick up a few things for Aimee's visit. And by a few things I mean one bottle of water, a bag of chips and some chocolate chip cookies (despite the fact that Aimee didn't particularly care for cookies). I was ready for some wild times. Er, make that mild times.

When Aimee was about an hour away, I returned to the dorm and took a shower. I got shaved, dressed and put on some cologne. I made my bed and straightened up my four or five possessions. I even swept the dust bunnies off the floor and out from under my bed. As I was finishing up, Mat walked in. I checked my watch. It was almost 7 p.m. on a Friday night. Except for the weekend that Shelly had visited, I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen Mat on a Friday night. What the hell was going on?

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nuthin'," he replied.

"I mean, what's up tonight? Like, what are you doing later?"

"I don't have any plans," he said.

What? How could he not have plans? I couldn't believe it. "Seriously?" I asked.

"Seriously," he said.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be.

"Oh come on," I said, trying to lay on some bullshit, "as popular as you are, there's gotta be something going on somewhere. A frat party or something."

"Nope," he said. "Nuthin's going on dat I know of." With that he flipped on MTV and collapsed into his giant chair.

I checked my watch again. Aimee was going to show up any minute.

"You're sure there's nothing going on?" I asked one last, desperate time.

"I'm sure," he said without looking at me.

The phone rang. It was Aimee. She was down in the lobby. I sprinted down to get her. She didn't hesitate to hug me this time. "So," she said with a sly smile, "want to take me up to your room?"

"Yeah, about that," I said, "Mat's there."

"What? Seriously?" she said.

"Seriously," I said. "And he won't leave."

"I thought you told me he was never around on the weekends."

"He usually isn't," I said. "But he claims there's nothing going on tonight."

Aimee was incredulous. "It's Friday night at one of the biggest colleges in the state."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "Trust me, he'll get bored and leave eventually." I hoped so anyway.

Holding hands, we walked back to the room. Mat was still there watching MTV. He barely acknowledged us when we walked in. We sat on my bed talking quietly for a few minutes when an idea hit me. "Hey," I said, "let me introduce you to some of my friends."

Friday night was when my roleplaying group usually met. The roleplaying sessions almost always took place in Duke's room. Duke was an R.A. in a section of the dorm called "The Basement." That meant Duke had a bigger room than most other R.A.'s. He took advantage of the extra living space by bringing in a sectional couch, which made his room pretty awesome by dorm standards. Anyway, I took Aimee down there and introduced her to my motley crew of friends. Nathan was wearing shorts and suspenders. BadDave was in his ever-present sweat pants / t-shirt combo. And Ron -- the same fat guy who had accidentally walked into my room wearing a too-small towel on my first weekend at college -- had squeezed his extra-large caboose into black spandex pants with a large lavender stripe down the side of each leg. And he was wearing a skin-tight white t-shirt.

"Welcome to the den of rogues and fools," Ron said. That's nerd talk for "Hello." Then everybody took turns introducing themselves.

I have to admit, I was a little embarrassed. The group hadn't seemed quite this dorkrageous until there was a living, breathing girl in their midst. I was afraid Aimee would judge me by the appearance of the company I kept. But she didn’t. In fact, she thought the guys were funny and kind of cool. It shouldn’t have surprised me that she’d like geeks. She was now dating me, after all.

That visit killed about an hour, after which Aimee and I journeyed back up to my room in the hope that Mat had wandered off to wherever he usually wandered. No such luck. Apparently, he was serious about spending this Friday night -- of all Friday nights -- in our room.

Grasping at straws, I called my buddy Joe, who had himself recently started dating a girl named Andrea. I quickly explained the situation. He said, "Tell you what, why don't we do a double date?"

Aimee and I met Joe and Andrea at the Ben & Jerry's that used to be at the edge of campus. Each couple told the story of how we’d met and how we’d come to be dating (although Joe already knew most of my story) over the dreaded Vermonster. Then we took a nighttime stroll across campus.

All of a sudden, it was almost midnight. Aimee started tugging on my sleeve, which is the universal signal for "Let's ditch your friends and go back to your room." So we did.

When we got there, my room was empty. Mat was gone! I very nearly let out a whoop of joy. I snuck Aimee into the bathroom across the hall so she could brush her teeth and pee. I only had to forestall one bleary-eyed guy. "Hey, could you wait for a second? My girlfriend’s in there," I said, feeling a little too proud of myself. He just grunted and waited for her to finish what she was doing.

After Aimee came out of the bathroom, she said, "Can you give me a minute to go in and change?" All I could think of was her getting naked in my room. I literally felt like I was going to explode.

"Yeah," I said, trying my damnedest to play it cool, "no problem."

While I was standing outside my room wondering what she was planning to change into (or, hopefully, just out of), I heard something. A sound coming from down the stairs and one hallway over. It was somebody whistling. It was somebody whistling Bob Marley.

"No," I muttered. "No. It can’t be..."

But then the whistling stopped and became a telltale chanting: "You got da horse race, you got da human race, but dis is da rat race…raaaaaaaat raaaaaaaace."

And then Mat's huge, shaved head popped up out of the stairwell. All I could do was stare at him as he lumbered my way. He actually made it as far as reaching for the doorknob before I could say, "Whoa, wait! Aimee's changing in there!"

"Oh, sorry," he said, and he turned around and went into the bathroom.

I knocked on the door. Aimee popped her head out. "Mat's here."

"You're kidding," she said.

"I really wish I was."

Her head disappeared back into the room and the door closed. When Mat came out of the bathroom, I knocked and asked if she was decent. She said she was, so we both walked in. Aimee was now wearing a pair of my sweatpants and one of my sweatshirts. I had a feeling that wasn't her original plan.

"So," I said, and it was really hard to disguise my irritation, "couldn't find anything to do?"

"Nope," he said. Then he picked up a phone and ordered a pizza, a sure sign he wasn't going anywhere. Aimee and I just looked at each other. We spent the next hour just snuggling on my bed and talking quietly. When the pizza came, Mat offered us some. Aimee and I shared a piece. After he finished eating the rest of the pizza, he turned off the TV and said, "You goin' to bed?" We said we were, so he turned out the lights.

My roommate -- the man who had been livin' large all semester -- was at home and in bed by 1:30 a.m. on a Friday night. That had never happened before...and it never happened again while we lived together. If I could shoot lasers with my eyes, there would still be a burning crater where Mat had been that night.

Aimee laughed softly. "I can't believe he's still here," she whispered. "It's almost like he doesn't want to leave."

"I have no idea what's going on," I whispered back. "I hope he walks in front of a bus tomorrow."

"Ssssh," she said. "Let's just make the best of it." And we did. No, we didn't have sex. But we had one of those marathon, hours-long make out sessions that college kids are famous for. At one point, I remember thinking it was kind of ironic that, for once, I was in bed fooling around while Mat slept alone five feet away. But that thought was mercifully brief. The rest of the time, my mind was elsewhere.

The next morning, Aimee woke up sick as a dog. She had a sinus infection, although we didn't know it at the time. I didn't have any medicine in my room, so I had to wander around until I found a pharmacy. (I would late discover there was a small pharmacy only five minutes away.) I bought Robotussin, cough drops, decongestant, Kleenex…basically anything that had the words "cold" or "cough" on it.

I got back about 40 minutes later (I ran back from the pharmacy). Aimee was miserable. Mat was still asleep. I doctored my new girlfriend up as best I could and then watched her sleep a little more. That was a real novelty to me.

Aimee woke up around noon, and Mat work up shortly after her. He turned on the television and resumed his silent MTV vigil. Was he ever going to leave??

Collen called around one o'clock. She was heading back to Butler soon...and Aimee had to go with her. I ushered Mat out of the room so Aimee could change. The only thing she changed was her shirt. "I'm taking your sweats," she said, smiling. "They smell like you."

"I really hope that's a good thing," I said. She probably had no idea how many times I'd passed gas in those sweats, a fact I kept secret.

I walked her to the front of the dorm, where we hugged and kissed until Collen pulled up. We said our sad goodbyes and I watched my girlfriend drive off. I felt empty.

By the time I got back to the room, Mat was gone. He didn't return until Monday. I was furious all day on Saturday, wondering why in the hell he couldn't have disappeared on Friday so that Aimee and I could have had the room to ourselves.

Then it hit me. I thought about all those times I was home studying when Mat might have wanted a little solitude, the times I studied or tried to sleep through his many romantic encounters...encounters that might have been best enjoyed without me hanging around. By staying in the room the one and only chance I had to see my brand new girlfriend, was Mat getting me back for the many inconveniences I had put him through?

That was the first time it occurred to me: if Mat was the villain in my story, maybe I was the villain in his.

Part 18

Labels: ,

137 Comments:
Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"Satisfied with his sage-like advice, he put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his giant chair while a self-satisfied smile spread across his face."

Holy alliteration Batman!

Anonymous Axel Foley said...
You have outdone yourself my friend. Amazing ending.

Blogger Victor said...
A TWIST

This reminds me of the real ending for I am Legend. Turns out Bawful was the monster all along.

Anonymous Doxde said...
Did you at least get to fondle Amiee like a Priest would a Choir Boy?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
I said it before and I'll say it again: Big Mat was right, you shoulda fucked em both. From the sounds of things, Mr. Bawful, your pendulum eventually swung that way (in the highly anticipated Year Five Saga), but I'm curious how you would now handle such a situation. BTW, at what point did you let Cindy know you'd decided to go with Aimee instead of her, and how did she take it?

Blogger The Riddle said...
Top 3 installment.
Keep it up Mr.McHale!

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
My roommate freshman year did the same thing, except it was my birthday weekend. What a bitch!

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
Was anyone else a little weirded out that they just started dating yet she broke out the 'they smell like you' line? Actually, I think I just got a mental image of a gay man saying that when I ran across that line, so maybe that was the problem.

Blogger Steve said...
Amazing entry.

That's some deep philosophical shit in there. Who is the Real villain? haha

can't wait til #18

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The description of your group of friends in the basement dorm room alone was worth the price of admission. Fantastic.

And I have to say, Big Mat's strength of will impresses me...scrapping a whole Friday night to sit around and do nothing just to fuck with you. A lesser-willed man would have gotten bored and scrapped it that plan pretty quick, I think...

Blogger Japes said...
Wow, Mat definitely did it on purpose. Though I was thinking it was more that he was curious to see what you would do with yer new gf all weekend long. He probably wanted to know how you handle women compared to him. But man having your roommate ruin your opportunity to lose yer virginity like that, no wonder you hate him, haha.

Blogger Will said...
That was the first time it occurred to me: if Mat was the villain in my story, maybe I was the villain in his.

That's a Tyler Durden moment if I ever heard one.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"It was somebody whistling. It was somebody whistling Bob Marley."

you are amazing.

Anonymous Wreckre8 said...
Oh man you had to bring up the Ben & Jerrys that is no longer there (replaced with a lame Smoothie King)after mentioning the awesome pizza place across the street from it that is gone too a couple episodes ago???? It is too much I say!..... (me sobs quietly at such great memories)

word verification
buresser = budy + harasser

Big Mat was a such a buresser for not clearing so lil Matt could score some hot action in the dorm room

Anonymous Andeh said...
Aimee doesn't like cookies? Cindy would have been the better choice then.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I think Mat was doing you a favor, looking out for little Matt.

Basically, in his mind, if you didn't love Aimee enough to have sex with her in front of a roommate like he did, then it wasn't going to work out. I mean he used his weekend for you! I fully expect Mat to reveal the results of his observations in Part 18.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL -- Yeah. See what happens when you don't have time for a rewrite?

Axel Folely -- Grazia.

Victor -- I'm glad you brought that up, because the original story (and the original ending) were truly epic...and the movie took a huge, steaming dump on all that awesomness. Why is it when Hollywood gets hold of an already spectacular story they insist on changing the hell out of it?

Doxde -- Exact quote during the makeout session: "You can be a little more aggressive." (Of course, this was later followed by "Not that aggressive.")

Wild Yams -- "BTW, at what point did you let Cindy know you'd decided to go with Aimee instead of her, and how did she take it?" All I can say is: keep reading...

The Riddle -- I will do my best.

RunBoilerRun -- Agree or disagree: women are more wicked and cruel than men? Discuss.

Buck Nasty -- Well, it wasn't like we'd just met. We'd been close for years and had already made out a couple times before this happened.

Steve -- Mat was everything I didn't want in a roommate at that time...which is why it took me a while to realize he felt the same about me. It's all about perspective.

Anonymous #1 -- Yep. He committed to ruining my night no matter the cost. I've gotta give him that.

Japes -- He totally did it on purpose. Mat was more cunning than I gave him credit for.

Will -- Indeed. However, that's the most Tyler Durden-ish it gets. We were, in fact, different people.

Anonymous #2 -- You should have heard the whistling.

Wreckre8 -- Dude, seriously, I would like to take a flamethrower to that goddamn Smoothie King. How in the WORLD did something like THAT replace B&G?!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is why you bury a guy when he is clearly breaking NCAA rules...

Would have been awesome, though, if you went all the way with the girl with him in the room. Might have broken some tension, in a very awkward way, between you two.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
What the hell did you tell Cindy? That couldn't have gone well. Was it the first time you made a girl cry?

I have been enjoying these so much that I send the links to my friends. I'm on a one may PR campaign for your story.

The regular Bawful stuff has become much more interesting to me now that I know more about you.

Thanks for giving me something really fun to read at my break.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Dan B. and I went to Smoothie King in metro Louisville in '06 and it was okay, but then they had a booth at the San Jose Grand Prix a few months later and it was the most awful smoothie I have ever had in my life.

(But then I remember that weekend for randomly stepping at a piano at a nearby hotel, playing a few tunes, and getting a dollar or two out of it. That was really cool.)

Curious: What was the magnitude, in your opinion, of your ruined night in comparison to all the things you had done to get back at Big Mat in the past? Like was it an overreaction on Mr. MMA's part? Or was his simplistic view of the world enough to equate what he did as equal?

Anonymous Wreckre8 said...
Anaconda,

I think you may have it backwards w/ Big Mat. In his mind if Aimee truly loved lil Matt enough then she would of had sex with him even if Big Matt was in the room. Or he was hoping for some of the sloppy seconds that Big mat graciously offered up....

Blogger Will said...
No more Tyler moments? I was hoping for the Livin' Large segment when you and Big Mat give yourselves chemical burns and make soap.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Nobody wants to hear this boring stuff.

Tell us more about Mat. Did you keep his stats during pickup games? What was his True Shooting Percentage for the games you played with him at the gym?

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
Terrific! The biter bit!!

Did the Heineken light stay on? Cos it seems in his own clumsy way Mat relented enough not to stay up all night making the 2 of you uncomfy. And please may we have some pix of the "dorkrageous" - great word; basement boys?

Blogger Micah said...
Oh man, the Vermonster is fantastic. I love me some Ben and Jerry's. Sadly, my 24-year-old self can no longer eat anywhere near the quantities of ice-cream that my teenage self could. It is depressing.

I have to say, I am impressed with Mat's level of villainy. Although I am surprised that he didn't call Taco Bell Jennifer in and have sex while you had Aimee in the room, if he really wanted to go all-out.

Anonymous Chutney said...
"That was the first time it occurred to me: if Mat was the villain in my story, maybe I was the villain in his."

M. Night Shyamalan nods his head in approval.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"No more Tyler moments? I was hoping for the Livin' Large segment when you and Big Mat give yourselves chemical burns and make soap."

that would actually make this story way better than fight club, of course it is already way better than fight club.

Anonymous TehJay said...
So 7-foot-tall Dutch basketball players who have sex with eight different girls a week can still be passive-aggressive? Who knew?

Blogger Trev said...
Dammit Victor beat me to the "I am Legend" reference.

Bawful: Have you at least seen the "alternate" ending for the movie version? It's still not as awesome as the book but it's better than what was in theaters.

Blogger BadDave said...
Bachelor 'til the Rapture, baby.

Blogger chris said...
Trev: I wonder what a good "alternate ending" for Livin' Large would be...if Matholomew could rewrite the story and make better decisions in his nascent years.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Wreckr208: Did you honestly suggest Mat would have given a crap what Aimee thought, let alone what her feelings about love were? Do you really think Mat is the type of guy to think the girl is in control of a relationship? I stand by my original speculation. Also, at this point I'm pretty sure neither Mat nor Matt would have wanted sloppy seconds.

The first rule of Livin' Large: tell dat ho what up.
The second rule of Livin' Large: fuck 'em both.

Blogger Fishy said...
I bet Cindy wasn't too excited!

Anonymous Gabe said...
Lol who woulda thought the big man on campus that was sleepin with whatever girl he could find would be suck a cockblock. Mat probably felt any girl in the room should only be there for HIM. And he stayed all night to screw u over.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful,

Great installment.

A question unrelated to the weekend. If we are now at November 1, then we are two weeks past when Future NBA All-Star used Mat as a prop to jump over in the Slam Dunk Contest at Midnight Madness. Surely, he must have had a "Fuck me!" for that?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
"A question unrelated to the weekend. If we are now at November 1, then we are two weeks past when Future NBA All-Star used Mat as a prop to jump over in the Slam Dunk Contest at Midnight Madness. Surely, he must have had a 'Fuck me!' for that?"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck ME! I blew the chronology and totally skipped Midnight Magic! I'm gonna have to append that to another post...

Blogger Rohan said...
Wouldn't it be great if there was a blog out there written entirely in Dutch, with a multi-part series starring a cool 7-foot jock protagonist fresh off the boat at a large University, and his dorky, angst-ridden roommate as the foil ruining his life. "Livin' small"??

Blogger Dan B. said...
Rohan -- I think my head just exploded. How do you say "Fuck me!" in Dutch?

Blogger ukcalikat said...
bawful - could it be that not taking Mat's advice on ho's is analogous to someone asking Swenson for the answer to a math problem and then saying " I think I'll get another opinion on this one"? The one thing in the world he has confidence in, and you show him that you think he's a loser on the subject. What a blow to big Mat. Is this the reason for the seemingly out of place Swenson reference? methinks so.

Anonymous Steve said...
Haha mat is still livin large in holland man xD, I actually met him couple times, dude could only shoot lefthanded 3pointers hahahaha
only memory I have of him haha

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Awesome catch on Midnight Magic!

You made me laugh about the busting ass in your sweats. I would bust ass the entire way from Earhart to the Quad after shacking with my girlfriend on the weekends. The things we do for women...

Anonymous Geert said...
Dan B: 'Fuck me' = 'Neuk me' (fucking = neuken, he fucks = hij neukt) in Dutch. But we don't really use it in that way, you know. Just as a verb which is a slightly rude way of saying 'making love'.

Why am I explaining this?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"Basketbawful Said...

Fuck ME! I blew the chronology and totally skipped Midnight Magic! I'm gonna have to append that to another post..."

Wait... not only am I a slave to reading every post as soon as it becomes available and scouring the comments, but now I have to re-check old posts to see if anything has been amended since my last read???? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, BAWFUL???

Are you going to give us some sort of sign that a post has been amended?

Blogger chris said...
Midnight Magic has to be its own installment, much like those photo sections in the middle of biographies. STAT.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
nice ending

-kobe bryant

Blogger Dan B. said...
Geert -- the question was meant to be rhetorical, but thank you anyway! I will probably say this to myself under my breath at some point tonight while bowling.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Victor: Spot on for that I Am Legend reference. Totally matches. Nice job!

And the idea of "Livin Small" out there blows my mind too. Copuleren Mij!

Yes, I looked up the translation for "fuck me!" in dutch.

WOW! Matt's luck is worse than the Parker luck, all you nerd comic book reading people out there knowhatI'msayin'?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Sounds like Livin' Large: Part 14.5 will be needed. I'm personally looking forward to the Anon comments who can't grasp the concept of a non-linear timeline story, whining "wasnt it just nov 1 last post hwo is ti oct again wat happned to cindy?!?!?!"

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
AnacondaHL: Don't forget the obligatory "See? This is what you should be writing about. We want more Big Mat. I know this is what the collective wants because it is what I want."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I am hooked on Livin' Large and hope it goes on for quite a while if it stays at this level of quality. Bring on 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Yams, seems like there is finally relief in lakerland.

Anonymous Axel Foley said...
@ Bawful: I found this on Ebay. Future Christmas wish list item I assume.
http://cgi.ebay.com/Karl-Malone-1994-95-Game-Worn-Signed-Jazz-Road-Jersey_W0QQitemZ310157562189QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item4836d4d14d&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

Blogger chris said...
NarSARsist: I wanna see AnacondaHL write "Livin Small" riffs based on the actual Livin' Large stories, but from the perspective of Big Mat. I think he can do a convincing job. Right?

Blogger laurance said...
LAMAR ODOM SIGNED
YES YES YES YES

and, i would choose Cindy, just fyi. she seems sweeter, and won't tug you around like a rag doll.

not saying you were, cuz obviously you're doing the tugging now..

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
chris: All I have to say is that what's left of my free time will instantly disappear.

Anonymous ak dave said...
That huge ice cream thing reminds me of Napoleon in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" when Ted's little brother has to babysit him for a day.

Eat the pig EAT THE PIG!! Ziggy, ziggy ZIGGY ZIG!!!

lol

I never knew something like that really existed XD

Blogger Wild Yams said...
NarSARSsist - To be honest I never really thought Odom was gonna go to the Heat, considering even with the lack of taxes he'd still be taking a paycut to leave a championship team. I really don't think Ariza would have done that either if the Lakers didn't pre-emptively replace him by signing Artest as soon as Ariza's agent started to play hardball. I think Odom was just hoping the threat of leaving would give him the leverage to get more cash from the Lakers, but essentially saying "if you don't pay me more than you're offering, I'll take less than that offer and leave" is not a real strong bargaining position. As a long time Laker fan I've too often been on the other side of that nonsense (see Kendall Gill, Charles Oakley, etc) to believe all the posturing by FAs and their agents.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Yams - My concern was never that Odom would leave so much as it would leave some bad blood between the parties. Considering contracts in the NBA are essentially guaranteed with the exception of team options, it's not hard for a player to slump once that paycheck has been signed if he chooses. Combined with the chemistry concerns for next year, it made keeping people happy very important. I felt a little disappointed that things dragged like this and that the Lakers really lowballed Odom. While I am by no means the sentimental type (I think Ginobili should be traded), I do think that players who make sacrifices for the team as Odom did (by being willing to play off the bench) deserve to be rewarded. One could argue Odom was using the "team player" idea to leverage his worth, but we've all seen plenty of players in contract years that found their own production to be more important and/or demanded trades. I thought perhaps a more fair deal would have been somewhere in the 4 year $40 million range, with the final year partially guaranteed, and with some poison pill provisions that would prevent him from being traded to a team he didn't want to play for in that final year (i.e. the Lakers could choose to buy him out and let him choose his own team to sign with, but not stick him in some craphole, unless he knew that team was buying him out).

Speaking of not being sentimental, I'm not so kind on Ariza, however. I think going into the summer, the Lakers had a good feel for how things would play out with Odom. His agent didn't go around ranting and raving like a lunatic (and he's definitely a guy that really could have played the "disrespect" card). With Ariza, I think his agent made things a little too combustible. If the Lakers let things drag out, then replacement options will gradually get signed away, which increases Ariza and Odom's leveraging power. The Lakers clearly didn't want to break the piggy bank for these two guys. If both of their negotiations dragged out until now, the Lakers would either have to:
A) Overpay them both (considering how unwilling they were to budge by $1 mill or so per year for Odom, it would be like pulling teeth to overpay both).
B) Overpay one and let the other go (considering the present alternative, I'd say this is a pretty bad choice).
C) Play hardball and pray they'd finally say "okay okay, we fold", but risk one or both of them flying the coop. If this drags on for both players, it could invite other GMs to consider that perhaps the Lakers weren't mortal locks to keep them, inviting the possibility of, say, getting Pritchslapped?

I would have been a lot more scared of any of those three scenarios. Especially consider that Ariza wasn't willing to accept a midlevel offer from the Lakers, which averages to about $6.5 million per year. What would it take to keep him? I highly doubt the higher figure they were looking for was something like an additional $200k. $8 mill? $9 mill? If he gets that much money, how much do you pay Odom per year? $11 mill? $12 mill? Ownership of Candyland? Or you lowball him and give him an equal deal as Ariza? Talk about a Sour Power for the Lakers' Championship X-Factor.

Four years or so down the line (or heck, perhaps way earlier than that), when the likes of Mamba and Pau are gone or withered, it definitely would be more preferable to have Ariza at $9, 10 million than Artest at $7 mill (even though I don't think Ariza would be the elite running mate for Bynum that David Thorpe claims). However, if by then the Lakers' contender status was resting on the shoulders of either of those players, I think we have a lot more to worry about than "did we make the right choice in 2009?"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Fuck 'em both --Mat has the wisdom of Solomon

Anonymous Chuck DeBruce said...
@AnacondaHL: "The first rule of Livin' Large: tell dat ho what up." Perfect. Isn't it amazing that, in the moment Matt told his "hoes what up", they started to show some respect?

And I loved your Flow Charts, but how could you not put Susan as Jennifer Grey when Bawful himself explicitly mentioned their resemblance in Part 9 AND officially casted the latter as Celebrity lookalike? Is there an explanation not involving the idea of "hotness"?

@Bawful: Last weekend I stumbled across the last minutes of "Red Planet" and made an instant connection with Livin' Large. "How?" - you ask, because you don't remember this movie. Nobody does. Nobody wants to. Anyways, it's the scene where Val Kilmer's pet robot x-rays his body, locates his heart and goes for the fatality - MKI's Kano style. The robot name? AMEE.
Yeah, damn you for getting me hooked on this!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I don't believe Mat ever had a block on the court. He sure had a massive in your face slap down in the dorm room.

Blogger BoilerRunner08 said...
"Then it's easy. Fuck 'em both. That way you get what you want."

CLASSIC.

And, to everyone that mentioned Cindy: He never said he turned her down in this post. Keep the optimism, and perhaps, he dated both?!

:D

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ok I've been reading this blog for about a year, since I was in Iraq and needed to get my basketball fix. I have never commented before but the finish to this edition of your college life, compelled me to comment.

I wondered why you never left, and just assumed that it was because you had nothing to do. In the middle of reading this I was like damn your roomate is an ass but, the way you ended this brought it all together. Great post man, you need to make this into a book.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
NarSARSsist - I understand what you're saying, but in the end it's a business. Also, as a fan it doesn't help the Lakers to commit more money to anyone. I always root for them to sign people for as little as possible. As far as I'm concerned the Lakers don't owe Odom anything. They just finished paying him about $55m for the last five seasons, and I'm here to tell you that I don't think he was worth all that money for all those years. Even this last year, helping to contribute to a championship team, and coming off the bench and all that, did he really give a $14m effort? He's been paid plenty well for his efforts and deserved market price as a free agent. The simple truth was that once Portland signed Andre Miller, it came down to the Lakers and their original offer or Miami offering slightly less, so why should the Lakers have upped their offer? They were really just bidding against themselves at that point.

The same thing was true for Ariza. He may have thought he was worth $8 or $9m a year, but that wasn't what was out there on the market for him. Sure, the Lakers could have technically signed both Odom and Ariza to fully maxed out deals, but what would have been the point when nobody else could offer them that money? I really do think the Lakers would have preferred Ariza over Artest, but when Ariza's agent went on the warpath, they certainly didn't think Artest was such a bad consolation prize, so they went with Plan B. It's too bad Ariza's agent was such an ass though, cause in the end, nobody got what they wanted. The Lakers wanted Ariza, and Ariza ended up going to a team that very well may miss the playoffs for less money than he could have received to play for another championship shot on his hometown team. I think in the end the Lakers came out better than Ariza did though, since LA is still probably the favorites to win, while Ariza will suddenly be "The Man" on a crappy team with a limited future.

Now that the business end of things is over for the Lakers, they can begin focusing on their title defense. Thank god we've got these Livin' Large episodes to tide us over till Halloween :)

Blogger Will said...
AnacondaHL: I you were trying to imitate Fight Club it should go like this
The First Rule of Livin' Large is: Tell dat ho what up
The Second Rule of Livin' Large is: TELL DAT HO WHAT UP
The Third Rule of Livin' Large is: Fuck 'em both

WV: rureven- how Scooby Doo would say "we're even"

Blogger Jeremy said...
Good ending to this section, very well written. Kudos.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Yams - Amen to the title defense. Just wanted Everyone else, I know, booooooo, Sith Lord, blah blah ;-)

Just wanted to clarify that I lean towards giving Odom a little more money not for his benefit (it's hard to sit here and say, "What?! $8 million?! Buss... Jerry.... Bro... come on, Lamar's got a family to feed!"). Believe me, back when he was the No. 2 option I used to rag on him daily. That spin move of his that takes like 20 feet to spin 360 degrees pissed me off regularly. We paid a guy that much to play ballerina on the court?! Rather, it's to encourage players on the team to think "if I do what is asked of me, the team isn't going to cut my throat over it." It's more about promoting team culture than anything.

Yes yes, I know, everyone. Kobe eats cute animals, booooooo.

Blogger Tree Frog said...
Mat was curious as to what Aimee was like. He'd enough awareness and sensitivity to figure out what this girl meant to you and probably wanted to see how things would progress.

You made the right choice at the time though, I think. No doubt the rest of the story will show that a) the drama didn't cease, b) it crashed and burned and c) it eventually made you into a better person.

Thanks for pounding these out while on the move. It's been sent to several dozen people and discussed/commiserated over with close friends.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
this keeps getting better and better!! Looking forwart to part 18!

Blogger Molesworth said...
This is absurd. Every day I check to see whether there is a new post...and if not, I'm a miserable git for the next 24 hours.

I demand you resign your job immediately and turn your years in college into a book.

Blogger Adam said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxe_kwc8klw

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Late replies: Instead of "Livin' Small", my idea was more like "Livin' Large: Raw", which would take the actual journal pages and notes that Bawful used to make this story and just scan and post them. I think it would be yet another amazing level into how he was caught up in this whole situation, from a truly unreliable narrator.

I mean either that, or I could create a retroactive satire FaceBook page for Mat. Hmm...

Chuck DeBruce: I know she's an iconic actress of those teen 80s movies, but I did make my flow chart from a biased reader's perspective. On reading the story, it was my interpretation of the hotness scale, and the only major change needed was Latrisse and Cindy.

Besides Jennifer Grey is like almost 50 years old now.

Will: The fourth rule of Livin' Large is: If this is your first time at Livin' Large, YOU WILL.

And to everyone saying you'd rather choose Aimee over Cindy: suckers. You're all falling for Bawful's devious narrative trap. Cindy is a whole 'nother bag of crazy you also don't want to mess with, and I'm sure we'll be seeing the full effect of her crazy when Matt dumps her.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
whoops, I meant "you wouldn't choose Aimee over Cindy", obv.

Anonymous BlazersOrBust said...
Bawful, hilarious stuff. You are taking the regular teenage-y angst and relationship drama that every single college student has and making it incredibly compelling. I check this site twice a day for new updates. Kudos.

My question is this, though: by your own admission, you were a horny, geeky virgin freshman year, and your roommate was bringing a constant parade of hot nubile flesh through your room. You weren't getting your jollies from this? I mean, I was a horny geeky virgin my freshman year of college too, but if my roommate were *constantly* demonstrating his vag-pounding prowess in front of me, I wouldn't constantly presence it.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: What would be awesome is a shot of the Livin' Large notebooks from way back when, lying on a mountain of VHS (and Betamax?) tapes. Oh yeah.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful,

You should let your creative mind wander and write an entirely fictional alternate ending starting at this chapter where you date both girls which turns you into a little badass and the rest of the story changes accordingly....

I'd read it at least

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Bawful, your lack of a pre-draft for me to read on Livin' Large Friday is hurting me.

Anonymous bizarro said...
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/recently_divorced_michael_jordan

Anonymous Anonymous said...
loved the last sentence. this should be compiled and published. you have one buyer already.

Blogger Simon said...
WHERE IS 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogger BadDave said...
Since we're all waiting for another installment, I'll chip in with a little story of Nathan. When I first started college, I was just glad to be out of town and away from home. I had long hair, didn't give a damn about what I was doing or why, and was looking forward to total freedom.

I had signed up as a computer technology major (we learned COBAL and Assembly--talk about dated), but even though I quit marching band as a sophomore I still signed up. The reason was simple - I got to go to college a week early and leave home that much sooner. My mom wasn't the sentimental sort. On a fine Sunday afternoon, we pulled up, I moved everything in my room in ten minutes flat, and she drove off. In the silent corners of my head it occurred to me that she might be as excited as I was about my deptarture. But whatever, I was free!

Free. And without food. Or anything besides the basics (I really didn't have much more than bawful, except a computer). But there was another marching band guy on the floor, whom I found after wandering around my hall for about an hour. I didn't really consider the fact that coming to campus a week early meant that campus was dead. Literally. Even the crickets were still on break, but I wasn't home. The mantra: at least I'm not home.

Nathan was dorky, but all right. He did role-playing, one of my nerdy habits, so we had something to talk about, and seemed to know how college worked. But more importantly, Nathan had a car. It was a new Chevy Blazer, complete with Dolby tape deck, cruise control, and a sunroof. Actually, Nathan also had a sweet room. He had a loft, but not just any loft. His was stained and sealed. It glowed on its own. He also had a top-of-the-line Apple, with a printer! He had a couch, a TV, and basically everything I didn't have. When I told Nathan that I didn't have any food and there were no meals served on Sunday. So he promptly offered to drive me to Sam's Club - which is all the way across town. Hell, I hadn't even heard of Sam's Club.

So on the way, I asked Nathan a little about himself. And I found out he was holy. I mean, really, really into god. It totally wasn't fair. I mean, he was dorky, but at least he had some stuff going on. Now I'm trapped in his car for half an hour (the town's not big, but damn it had a lot of stoplights). I couldn't well bail - I didn't know how I'd get back. So I just braced myself.

"Have you found God?" he asked, with a creepy smile that I'm sure was meant to be benign. Dammit. I was raised, loosely, as a Unitarian. And I stopped going to that in middle school.

"Uhhh, well...no. I'm really just here to find women. God and I have an armistice."

There was a long silence.

Really long.

And then I felt it. A wave of determined hope tinted with pity. We arrived at Sam's club "Well, it's not too late Dave. There are thing that you can do that have meaning; things that bring you closer to God."

As we walked into Sams club, he reached into his pocket. I just knew he was going to give me one of those damn Gideon bibles. But I was wrong. He brought out his wallet.

And handed me a card. It was blue, and laminated. It had a cross on it, and it said, "Bachelor 'till the Rapture." Nathan looked at me and said, "Lots of students here don't get it, but you need to wait to get married until you can be with a woman."

Here, my friends, is where I probably first learned of discretion. I mean - seriously. This was college. And it was already too late. And it was college. However, this guy was my ticket to get food and do things around campus. He also had the life of luxury, so I just went into Mushmouth Mode. I have no idea what I said, but I put it in my pocket, and then immediately changed the subject by grabbing a whole case of Ramen Noodles (for like $3).

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
BadDave - Thanks for the read. Though you prefer to stay on the sidelines in terms of being a contributor, you're a pretty good writer too.

By the way, I hope you're okay. Oh wait, that's the dude that only looks like you, my bad.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
Nice try Dave, but a Christian trying to make you accept God into your life just doesn't hold up after Bawful spoiled us with his wonderous tales. Good effort.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
BadDave: Wow. In today's time, that phrase "Bachelor till the Rapture" has such a promiscuous undertone.

Turns out the phrase is based on 1 Corinthians 7, and from the poorly translated NIV at that. Basically, it's Paul just giving his suggestions, not a commandment, and he also admits that every man/woman won't be able to do this (6-7).

You were a smart kid, however, to get out of the Unitarian. That's the most shammy-sham Christianity short of LDS.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
AHL: I prefer Scientology. Get high enough up, and you get a cut of the cash. Those Thetans are dangerous, though. Nothing like a religion that the creator admitted was created to make money.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Buck Nasty: Yea, well you know someone's gotta pay for all those maintenance fees on the DC-8 space shuttles.

(Note: Yes, I am a Christian that points out crappy arguments made by other Christians. Kind of a side hobby of mine, probably since I grew up with some friends who were atheists who loved disproving crappy atheist arguments.)

(Note: Yes, I've actually used the E-Meter, on the streets of Hollywood, as some quack Scientologist tried explaining to me my mood and anger as I messed with the results by squeezing my hands, since all it is is a cheap ohmmeter.)

Anonymous Cobra said...
I got tired of waiting for Episode 18 so after BadDave's attempt I figured I'd turn it into show and tell day. First time commenter. Enjoy:

I thought that picking the in-state school furthest from my home would be enough to get my high school girlfriend (Jen) to break up with me. She wanted to study law and I wanted to play baseball. There were schools close to our hometown that would allow her to prepare for her career as a lawyer while spending time with her family. I just wanted to get away. It seemed like everything was lining up perfectly. That is until she received an acceptance letter from the school I was going to…..and I didn’t even know she had applied.

I tried to find ways to get her to break up with me all Summer but the day to move down state finally came….and we were sharing a U-Haul to get our stuff there. This was apparently going to be my life. I had already given up hope.

I move into my room (two bedroom apartment/four guys) just like everyone else does for their Freshman year. I introduce Jen to the guys and after she leaves they all make fun of me. I can’t blame them, I’m even making fun of myself.

Jen isn't very nice to me. She ‘gave up so much’ to come to this school. I never understood why she came in the first place. My roommates begin to hate her that first weekend because of her constant phone calls.

I live on the second floor apartment and right below me lives a member of the women’s cross country team (Sara). She comes from a small town I’ve never heard of and has tanned and firm legs. This is what college is all about. I chit chat with her and we find out that we have the same Monday morning class at 8 am. We figured that we might as well walk together to it.

The first morning of class I knock on the door of Sara’s apartment and she’s not quite ready yet. Her hair is still wet from her shower and she is wearing only a bra. Sara’s body far exceeds that of Jen’s. She asks me to come inside and wait for her and, being the gentleman that I am, I oblige. After a few minutes Sara is ready to go and we walk to class together. This continues for a few weeks….I show up, she’s not ready yet. At first I wait in the living room. Soon it becomes the bedroom. Flirting has begun by both parties. There is apparently interest on both ends. I still have a girlfriend named Jen.

I think Jen knew what was going on because each time I brought up Sara’s name she came back with a jealous tone. I laughed it off and told her not to worry about it. Secretly, I hoped that this would cause us to break-up.

Sara and I start walking to and from other classes together, too. I would catch her in the hallway, she would wait for me by the library……One day we were walking back, talking about baseball/cross country practices and flirting with each other while having our normal good time when we passed Jen’s roommates.

Jen’s roommates never really liked me for some reason so I knew that this was not going to go over well. I waited for the impending phone call to come but it never did. I waited for the crazy girl (Jen) to come knocking on my door but it never did. This scared me even more.

My roommate (Steve) and I were out in front of our apartment throwing the football around when I see Jen come walking around the corner with a head full of steam. I figure that now is as good of a time as any to get yelled at. Except that this time Jen doesn’t head towards me, she heads towards Sara’s front door……..

Blogger Will said...
Bad Dave- Would it be too much to ask of you to tell us a tale of 'Bawful calming down the crazy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
finish the story cobra... LOL

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Cobra, you dick, the last think I need is another story to follow.

(next installment please...)

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
AHL: Good stuff. Nothing wrong with open mindedness/argument within your own religion. Although Scientology is truly a joke. Please, Scientologists amongst us reveal yourselves and argue!

Blogger BadDave said...
Will - the best part is that Bawful didn't learn that skill in earnest until after we parted as roomies. Usually he'd get the midnight call (50% crazy, 50% booty) from the woman and off he'd go...

Buck Nasty - No need to get buck nasty. I don't compete with Bawful: I'm just color commentary providing a little context on Nathan.

AnacondaHL - I reject your argument. I find UU to be the closest thing to true Christianity: "Be nice to people." I just bailed because I found all religion makes people stupid. I'll stick with friends and accept the fact that when I'm dead I'm most useful as worm food. Tough luck for them though, because I'm going to be turned into a synthetic diamond
and placed into the eye of a bust of myself.

Anonymous BigDoggie said...
Cobra,

You're treading dangerously close to turning this comment section into the Penthouse Forum. I like it! Now, your next post needs to begin with, "I never thought something like this could happen to me, but..."

Blogger chris said...
Nice cliffhanger, Cobra. Clearly you are learning from the best (Matholomew McHale). :D

Anonymous Anonymous said...
>> That was the first time it occurred to me: if Mat was the villain in my story, maybe I was the villain in his.

No joke, you sound like a real pain in the ass. I'd be lying if I said I could imagine how anyone could possibly stand you.

Anonymous Ross said...
Damnit Cobra, now I have 2 stories I need to follow, and yours is going to be a paint in the ass to find among 100 comments every installation!

Anonymous Ross said...
pain in the ass*

Anonymous Cobra said...
Not trying to step on Matt's toes since his story is so great. I was just trying to kill some time at the end of the day like you guys since I didn't have Part 18 to read.

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
While the "Little Matt Grows Some Nuts" section was my favorite, this is by far the best cliffhanger. Especially considering that it's the damned weekend. Thanks again, 'bawful.

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
Wasn't gonna leave another comment, but the WV is "roncatic" and, for some reason, I picture an extra large man in an extra small towel...

Blogger ramon12 said...
this updating staff, we should organize this.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
BadDave - Oh man, please tell me you're trolling me.

Sure "being nice to people" is good and all (obligatory John 13:34 quote here), but that as a doctrine itself is meaningless. Heck, even Scientology has one of the most in depth guidelines on how to live nice with yourself and others. I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say "true Christianity" should somehow involve Christ, to which I'd say UU has one of the worst implementations of this (by simply ignoring the Trinity concept from interpretations of the Bible, among other things).

Modern Unitarianism is basically for people who can't make up their minds. Or to be meaner, a bunch of hippies who are probably the same people that pretend to learn a foreign language or think eating at a Mediterranean restaurant makes them more cultured. A ghastly mishmash of a bunch of religions, without doing any one thing well. It's dilution by picking and choosing whatever is convenient. It's the Baha'i Faith for white people.

I think it's also unfair to stop at one level: Religions don't just make people stupid, people want to be made stupider by religion thus religion provides this. I mean most religions are just people dealing with their fear of death, or just cognitive dissonance for people who can't deal with the concept, and as easily shown in that lifegem.com link, people get pretty stupid when it comes to dealing with things/themselves dying.

Anonymous bizarro said...
AnacondaHL: the last I was expecting to see here is was an uneducated critics of religions. But now that you get me going, I strongly advise you to go and do some sound homework on the Baha'i Faith. Especially with the racial slur you're putting in it that is nowhere near anything that is promoted in these teachings. This is a blog where people have fun and can relate to the stories and you just stained it with a blatant aggressive rant that shows how narrow your vision of things is. Look, it's ok not to believe in any religion. If someone called you stupid not to do so, you don't appear more clever by returning the favor to every single religious person.

Anonymous bizarro said...
sorry AHL. read another comment of yours. you're Christian, so you do believe in God. disregard the end of my comment. beginning is still valid.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
It was satire based on some other satires. References: Baha'i demographics and Stuff White People Like: #2 Religions their parents don't belong to combined with #20 Being an expert on YOUR culture.

Anyways, the point was that one could draw parallels between Baha'i and UU, in terms of the whole stitch-together-your-religion concept. I mean atleast Baha'i has a pretty clear outline of beliefs, and is probably "more Christian" than UU.

Anonymous bizarro said...
AHL: point taken. one essential concept in the Baha'i Faith is that every major religion (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Zoroastrism,etc...) come in time to complement each other. So the attempt to characterize Baha'i Faith as a nice melting pot of all other religions is tempting, but inaccurate. It is rather in the continuation of previous religions, but also sets new rules which are adapted to the challenge of our times, i.e. building a world where all cultures and nations can leave peacefully together.

Blogger Ton said...
MORE

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
man, chris, have you seen? most of our favorite lacktators are getting waived left and right. Sun Yue, not you, too?

P.S. a couple nights ago I tried to reconstruct our All-Lacktion teams from memory (was close, but not quite there) and I actually had a game. I didn't record it because it was just a whole bunch of people holding the ball until the shotclock ran out and jacking up long range threes. it's funny; but, it gets old after the first quarter. I will post the boxscore, though, on Sunday. I'll let you know.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn
Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn,
that Matt (er Mat) is a bad dude.

Anonymous mj said...
bizarro,
is zoroastrianism still a major religion? i mean, i have just finished studying xerxes at high school and his religion (zoroastrianism) but i thought that it had died out or been replaced.

Anonymous mj said...
sorry, just to expand, does zoroastrianism actually rest with the larger religions? (christian, hindu, muslim etc)

Blogger MisterCaustic said...
With my ability in mathematics, I can do almost anything!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
c'mon cobra, continue with the story....;oP

Anonymous Boudicca's daughter said...
@Cobra: likin' it, likin' it more please...


@BadDave: agree 100% with the person who said you are a good storyteller in your own right. I love your vignettes and anything that helps flesh out the main tale, is great by me. Good insight, a different perspective and unparalleled access to Bawful makes for better understanding for me; partic as I have no clue about US College culture. What is "a loft"?

Ta for helping alleviate sunday tedium: only 1 day to Part 18, hopefully?

@AHL: are you a logician, either professionally or by inclination? Very interested in your point about facing mortality and religion: care to expand?

Anonymous Ross said...
yeah, cobra, i didn't mean to discourage you. I came back looking for part 2! I wanna hear more about the hot XC chick.

Anonymous Rach357113 said...
bawful- when is the next part out?
i am in agony waiting for it! its been days!
i love the series dispite knowing absolutely nothing about basketball!
im not quite sure how i came across it actually!
please tell me the next part is out soon!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Everyone -- I'm currently taking a little beach-themed vacation in South Carolina. Needed a little time off. The next installment will be out on Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Boudicca's daughter: Like I said, just an obscure hobby of mine. I always wondered back as a kid in chruch why nowadays people who were "more intelligent" were less likely to be religious, and those that were had a high rate of cognitive dissonance. So I set out to be the exception, and the above theory about death and religion was one of the things I figured out.

I mean it's not even a far stretch by any means, we even have the phrase "The only sure things in life are Death and Taxes". But I never went to theology school or anything, I'm sure they could have taught me half of what I know in half the time.

Blogger BadDave said...
Boudicca's daughter: A loft is a wooden frame that elevates a bed to about head-level. This allows students to put furniture/electronics/beer underneath the loft, giving the room more floor space in which to have sex or at least not to study.

AnacondaHL: So is Unitarianism significantly different than agnosticism? Or for that matter, did any religion NOT start that way? Discuss. Also, I would suspect that if you go back in time (like when the Pacers were good and all) you would find that even the most ritualized faith started out as some mish-mash or another. And BTW, I tried for an hour to find a video of the video game Rod and Todd Flanders used to play, which involved running over Unitarians. :)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Sure they're different. Agnosticism is either just not knowing, or is doubt in its near-purest form. Choosing not to decide is still a choice(/endRushlyrics). Unitarianism is just not making up your mind, so you choose everything, a different sort of doubt.

And while it's true that many religions are derivatives of previous existing ones, with people saying "no you're doing it wrong, it's like this", they aren't all mish-mashes of "hey lets just play it safe and try to combine anything from everyone to our convenience". If you're going to do that, then it makes religion inherently unnecessary for you.

Theory 2: All religions describe "action-consequence" scenarios to various degrees. From any time period or peoples. Unitarianism is one of the most "action-notreallymuchconsequence" versions of Christianity we have today, which I'm sorry to say is not really what's going on in that gigantic thick book.

Re: Simpsons - Was it the episode where Bart and Lisa are put under protective custody in the Flanders' house? (s7ep03)

Blogger BadDave said...
Yes - it's definitely that episode. I think Homer takes a baptismal for Bart.

OpenID kelsierakay said...
I'm about to re-read this post just so I can get my LL fix for the day...come on 18!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm about to re-read this post just so I can get my LL fix for the day...COME ON 18! ppppllleeeassseee

Anonymous Anonymous said...
CHILL people. The dude is on a well deserved vacation. He is probably on the beach now, writing. Wait, F that. We should be on the beach reading more posts... ;-)

Anonymous Spunky said...
Hello. I'm lonely. Will you be my friend?

Anonymous ChrisP said...
Outstanding story, sir! Well done!

Really great stuff. Glad that my Frosh year was not the only awkward one in history. Looking forward for more.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I DEMAND SATISFACTION!!!!

MORE LIVIN LARGE!!!!

Blogger James said...
Has anyone confirmed that BIG MAT has not hunted little Matt down and killed him...?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Matt, we have been waiting for over a week for Part 18, would you or baddave please just give a little sign, that ur still alive?!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I guess "Livin' Large" turned out to be a bit much...? Well, it was really good while it lasted. Off of the favorites you go. =(

Blogger Marc said...
Don't worry everyone....

Bawful's name was on the 2003 Mitchel report, he is spending his time finding out what he tested positive for. As soon as he finds out, he will be back to Living large posts.

Blogger James said...
I am seriously starting to think Bawful has been "contacted" by someone (Mat, one of the females, the not-named college, etc.) in this series of stories and threatened, either with a lawsuit or just plain and simply threatened physically.

Someone got word of this and then got word to Matt...

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Uhm, no. He's just on vacation.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
hmmm, his other blog is being updated, has he been 'got at'??

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I guess Ronald McDonald took out this guy, that or Gene Keady's horrible comb over.

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