The most common complaint leveled against this site by the various anti-me critics out there is this: "Did you even watch the game?" I have been asked that question, or some variation thereof, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. In order to clear up any future confusion, here's the answer: Yes, I did in fact watch the game. It doesn't matter what game you're talking about, I watched it. I find time to eat, drink, commute into and out of Chicago, work my full-time Clark Kent job, manage two blogs and write the occasional post for Deadspin, play in pickup leagues two or three nights a week, run, bike, work on increasing my vertical leap, have a social life, help the elderly across the street, put out forest fires and watch every single NBA game every night.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. You don't have to tell me. I live this life.

Now, you're probably wondering how I manage to do all that without the aid of a Dr. Horrible-style Freeze Ray or a time-traveling DeLorean. Well, it's like this: I exist on what you'd call a "limited sleeping schedule." Basically, I nap for 20 minutes here and there, every couple days or so. This means that those rare free moments when I have the chance for a little shuteye are drastically important. And that's why I'm asking you, dear readers, to consider donating one of personkind's most ingenious inventions: The Vertical Bed.

vert bed
Asleep. Yet standing up. And looking cool while doing it.

And here's the full description:

Vertical Bed is a sort of static prostheses that allows a person to fall asleep in a standing position. By bolting into cracks between the sidewalks, subway grates, or other rigid contact points, the suit will support it’s wearer with a minimum of visible hardware or occupied space, holding the sleeper’s weight with concealed harnesses. One-sided privacy will be achieved through noise canceling headphones and double-mirrored sunglasses. Additionally, an umbrella will clip in the rigid infrastructure for shelter. The project is designed for the visual performance of an alternate way of occupying urban space, born partly out of fantasies of minimal need and elegant futurism, and partly out of fears of the dehumanization of space. Occupants will absorb the vertical structure of urban architecture into their bodies.

The vertical sleeper is in a constant state of readiness, never succumbing to collapse. Homelessness is most often marked by the forbidden act of lying down on the sidewalk, an act that the vertical bed circumvents. The vertical bed will imply a streamlined, rather than failed, infrastructure. All of the components of the bed will store beneath a suit and within a business-person’s briefcase, using the proliferation of autonomous consumer devices to achieve a more true autonomy. By hiding in the open, the vertical sleepers forgo even the need for a phone booth to enact their super-hero transformations, in a sense, absolving themselves of the need for secret identities.
Stand-up sleeping, social change and superheroics. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway: The Vertical Bed can be stripped down and stored in a suitcase...which means that, as long as your feeble arms can carry a medium-sized piece of luggage, a short nap will never be more than several minutes worth of complicated construction away!

vert bed 2
It also transforms into a crime-fighting robot.
But, uh, some assembly is required.

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Blogger Wild Yams said...
First of all, I'm very glad to see that finally people are starting to take into account the "fears of the dehumanization of space" when inventing these things. Second, I think if the inventors of this thing can work with the Robot Legs people they could probably integrate their products and do away with the whole briefcase entirely.

Inspector Gadget is very jealous of this product (and the way Mr. Bawful is able to watch every single NBA game).

Anonymous Anonymous said...
why do people think rose and beasley are good? beasely is way to small to ever dominate the NBA and although rose is playing well, he wasn't even the best guard on his team in college. I think the best rookie this year will be Mayo and the best rookie in the future will be Brook Lopez (possibly Love but he isn't that great a scorer). Lopez was a great pick for the Nets at the 10. And rookies like Durant last year don't impress me. If i chucked up as many shots on a bad team like durant i would put his ppg. and he can't pass at all and isn't good at defence. all in all, duhon is a better passing pg than rose.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Even the freeze ray isn't that helpful. It takes too long to warm up. And then it would be curtains for you.

Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

Blogger Caleb Smith said...
I doubt the homeless can afford one of these things, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

Oh and short naps are terrible because you have to wake up from them. That is very difficult to do... for me anyways..

Anonymous Anonymous said...
For lack of knowledge about where to put general comments, I'm placing this one here. I think when a player has more than one trillion in a week, it should be called having a "monopoly", referring to the fact that monopoly companies own billions and sometimes trillions of dollars.

Blogger Cortez said...
"...all in all, duhon is a better passing pg than rose."


"and the best rookie in the future will be Brook Lopez"

Wow times 2.