Avery Johnson: His Mavs got treated like a pair of large, dangling testicles at a nutshot convention by Chris Paul in Game 1. Since the Little General likes his nuts the way they are, he opted to double-down on Paul at every possible opportunity. And it sounded like a good idea at the time...until CP3 disregarded the double-teams and rained fire on all those who dared oppose him. Paul finished with 32 points (10-for-16), 5 rebounds, 17 assists and 3 steals, thus becoming (I think) the first person in NBA history to record at least 30 points and 10 assists in his first two career playoff games. More importantly though, the Hornets delivered a 127-103 colon-blasting to the Mavericks.

The Dallas defense: I doubt it was all Avery's fault that his team couldn't have stopped a corpse (or even Greg Ostertag) from scoring the basketball. New Orleans shot 60 percent from the field, almost 56 from beyond the arc, and they had 30 assists while committing only 6 turnovers.

Jason Kidd: He was supposed to be The Difference, the final piece of Mark Cuban's championship jigsaw puzzle. Now he's being spit-roasted and eaten alive by Chris Paul. Unless something radically changes, this is going to be a series-long ego-ectomy for J-Kidd.

Dirk Nowitzki: What's wrong with this guy? Remember his tempter tantrum after Game 5 of the NBA Finals, when he couldn't even bully a helpless stationary bicycle? Well, last night we got more of the same, with Dirk grumping all over the court and screaming into thin air a couple times. Look, if my team consistently let me down and failed to live up to expectations, I'd be pissed too. But MVPs do not -- cannot -- act like that. That sort of behavior does not evoke confidence from your teammates. Which sort of explains why Jason Terry never seems to totally trust Nowitzki down the stretch...


Random Dallas players: The suck bong was being passed around liberally by the Mavericks last night, wasn't it? Kidd shot 3-for-10. Ditto for Josh Howard. Jerry Stackhouse was 4-for-10. Malik Allen played 11 minutes and contributed 4 fouls and 1 missed shot. Eddie Jones played 10 minutes, scored 3 points on 1-for-3 shooting and committed a couple fouls. Antoine Wright got 7 minutes of PT and had 1 rebound and 2 turnovers. Then there was Juwan Howard, who got into the game for 3 minutes to miss 1 shot, bone 3 freethrows, commit one foul, and finish with 1 point.

Mike James: Two seasons ago, he was scoring 20 PPG for the Toronto Raptors. Now he can't even get off the Hornets' bench in an obvious blowout. Oh how the "mighty" have fallen.

Toronto's starters (except Chris Bosh): No wonder Bosh doesn't trust his teammates. Anthony Parker scored zero points (0-for-4) in 38 minutes. T.J. Ford shot 1-for-8 and had 4 turnovers in 24 minutes. Rasho Nesterovic -- who's been on fire lately -- played only 5 minutes. (I guess the alien overlords returned the real Rasho.) Andrea Bargnani scored 9 points (4-for-9), grabbed 1 rebound and committed 4 fouls.

Jamario Moon: He finally looks like a rookie again: 3 points (1-for-7), 5 rebounds.

Sam Mitchell and/or Chris Bosh: The Raptors actually had a chance to steal this game, which ended with a 19-foot desperation jumper by Chris Bosh. That's the best play Sam could draw up? Seriously? Of course, it might have been Bosh going rogue. Bosh had been pretty clearly fouled on his previous drive to the basket but got no whistle, and after the game he indicated that was why he chose to fire it up from outside. "The time before I drove the basket and I didn't get a call. I didn't want to put it in the referee's hands. I wanted to get a clean look -- I felt like I did a decent job. I got a decent look and just missed the shot." Good choice. [/dripping sarcasm]

Hedo Turkoglu: Now, now, Hedo. Don't give us the Duncan face. We all saw that little push you gave Bosh after the foul. You're not fooling anybody. [From Odenized.]

Grant Hill: Well, we all knew it was too good to be true. Hill made it through the season only to fall victim to a nagging groin injury. And so the story goes. Hill played last night, but you could hardly tell it: 19 minutes, zero points (0-for-1), 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 1 foul. This man was absolutely critical to the Suns' playoff hopes...and he's clearly moving at half speed. That's bad news for Phoenix.

Leandro Barbosa: He's supposed to be the X-factor, right? The Brazillian Blur...speed and scoring off the bench...running the offense when Steve Nash needs a rest. Epic fail. Last night's line: zero points, 0-for-7 from the field, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists in 23 minutes.

Mike D'Antoni: I have lost all faith in him. I honestly don't know what else to say.

Tony Parker: Man, I hate Tony Parker. I can't even pretend to be objective about the tiny Frenchman. He is such a huge, flapping vagina. I'm sorry; that's an insult to huge, flapping vaginas everywhere. Remember in last year's playoffs how Parker's head destroyed Steve Nash's nose? Yet Nash barely flinched while Tony flopped to the court and writhed around like he'd just been shot in the head.

Now watch him do the exact same thing after running into Shaq last night. Same fetal position, same agonized clutching of his head. For God's sake, Tony, grow a pair, okay? Your wife already told us about your fake flopping tactics. And speaking of Mrs. Longoria, Tony had a special but impossible for anybody else to understand message for his wife last night. It's official: He has become Doug Christie.

Epilogue: Despite the fact that he crumpled like a wet paper bag the split second he hit Shaq, Parker turned all tough guy after the game. "He was trying to play physical. But that's not going to stop me." Oooooo...scary. First off, congratulations to Kevin Garnett for being named Defensive Player of the Year. It was well-deserved. But would you like to know the real secret to Boston's defensive magic? According to's official DPoY announcement, Shane Battier is a secret Celtic. I was as shocked as you are. (Thanks to Basketbawful readers Charles and Arjun, who were all over this.)

Battier in Boston

Don C. Kalant Senior: [Frivolous Lawsuit Alert!!] This "prominent" dentist from Naperville, Illinois is suing the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull. Apparently, Benny gave Kalant a crippling high-five during a February 12th Bulls game that hyperextended Kalants drilling arm. As a result, Kalant has been unable to work since the incident. And he apparently won't be able to spot-check for cavities again until sometime in May. Not to belittle a man's brave fight against the injustice of fate, but if you're so incredibly fragile that a high-five from a man dressed in a furry bull costume can take you out for five months, then you have no one to blame but yourself. What are you doing at a Bulls game? Or even leaving the house, for that matter? I suggest that you cover yourself in a few thousand layers of bubble wrap, fill your home with packing peanuts and lost of nice, soft pillows, and never go outside again.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
*dies* That is the most unfortunate picture of the Fat Guy ever. XD

Anonymous Anonymous said...
you know toronto has all these shooters and the best shot they get is Chris Bosh 19 footer when he clearly wasn't shooting well in the second half.

could have been ANYone else (you know Kapono was shooting well that day, Jose shot a couple of threes to tie it up)

is this really the same coach that drew up the TJ ford alleyoop?

Blogger Tonewise said...
...oh man.... you know if it weren't for those three O-reb that ORL got back-to-back-to-back or that shady play with final possession or the the entire first quarter, or parkers 0 points or TJs inability to contain Meer-meeer or... well u get the idea...

I'd prob have a lot more garbage to spew over that no call on bosh in the last two minutes... i mean Howard didn't even come close to getting a piece of the ball, it was all elbow... not sure how u miss a call like that in the last two minutes... but i guess as mentioned above there were other problems to hang on than just that one call...

game 5 in Orlando, series tied 2-2? its not like Orlando was very good on the road this year anyway...right?

Blogger bj said...
you take a lot of shots from 300 pounders tough guy? i guess if 32 points and a W doesnt scare you maybe he should get 35 and a W? would that garner respect against a 2 time "MVP".

spurs hating is getting old.

Blogger anne said...
Nice to see I wasn't disappointed by my prediction that Dallas would be here today. Of course, sucking and failing miserably is the one area where Dallas does not disappoint. And I'm a fan. At this point, I think beating myself with nunchucks is less masochistic.

As far as Dirk goes, I've said the same thing you have, there is something going on with him mentally. As I said, he's my favorite player (mostly because he does seem like a decent guy most of the time) but liking him is completely frustrating. He pulls this every year at playoff time. I actually remember reading an article that suggested that he needs to see a sports psychologist since he is his own worst enemy when it comes to winning.

Of course, it could be that last night, the rest of the team played like 13 year olds playing their first junior high game.

Blogger anne said...
Okay I decided to Google that article to get the exact quote about Dirk's mental problems.

"But even professional sports psychologists agree that something is going on with Nowitzki. "It's one thing if in the flow of the game you miss a shot, but when you're standing on the free-throw line and you have time to think about what this shot means—if you make it, you win, and if you don't, you lose—if in a moment like that you miss, there's definitely cause for concern," says Paul Baard, a sports psychologist at Fordham University in New York. "I would have to sit down with Nowitzki to know what's going on there, but I would wonder if there's some kind of fear of failure or doubt about his abilities that he hasn't moved past yet.""

:( It's a good article though.

Oh and Spurs hating may be old, but hating Tony "French Flopper" Parker never goes out of style. I hate him more than any other player in the NBA. When I get angry at Dallas for tanking in the playoffs, I just think about thumping basketballs off Tony Parker's huge watermelon head and I get back to my happy place. I know he doesn't have anything to do with Dallas sucking, but it's a hilarious mental image.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Rip Hamilton has a 2nd place vote. Somebody out there actually looked in the mirror and convinced him/herself that he is the 2nd best defensive juggernaut in the league. I wonder if it was the same guy who gave Kyle Lowry that 3rd place vote.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey BJ - I've taken big hits. (Football, wrestling, BBWs) Here's the real part - hitting Shaq probably hurt. I guarantee that hitting the court hurt more, especially since he was kinda unintentionally undercut at the time. Yet Parker grabs the side that probably hurt less, laid on the ground for a solid two minutes, and then pops up and gets to the line like nothing's wrong. I'm gonna go ahead and call shenanigans.

Tony Parker also hit the court on a fast-break foul by Nash about 6 minutes before that. Mighty, mighty Steve Nash, laying waste to his enemies with unstoppable power. Don't you know who he is? Uhhh...right. Yet Parker laid down for quite a while. Duncan, ever the team leader, bent over him and coached him. It probably sounded something like this:

TP - Did I look good?
TD - Yeah - it was great. You might want to flop your higher leg more. The refs eat that up.
TP - Oh. Ok. Thanks.
TD - No! Don't get up. We got another 8 seconds before you should get up. You gotta pay attention to timing...
TP - Riiiiiight. You're such a great teammate, Tim.
TD - Thanks. Ok. Your wife said you can get up now.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
For the record, Tony Parker said "Tu me manques, mon amour, tu me manques", which is French for "I miss you my love, I miss you."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
And you know what it means if Garnett got the DPOY award, don't you ??

better believe it ...
and when this happens, i want my props for reading it correctly :P :P

Blogger redrawblak said...
maybe DESAGANA DIOP could have stopped chris paul!!

man, they never should have traded that guy...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
how does Rajon Rondo have 1 point and no votes? LOL

Blogger Unknown said...
Been out of the loop for a few weeks, but I just moved to Virginia, so, yeah, been a bit busy.

Remember a few weeks back when I predicted a first round exit for Phoenix? It's manifesting right now. Sadly, the way it looks, it's not just because of San Antonio either, I doubt the Suns have the killer instinct to fight off any of the first round teams (although Denver vs Phoenix would have been very fun to watch).

Right now, it's looking like Spurs in 5.

Blogger stephanie g said...
The Suns can still win two at home and be right back in it, right? Right? Barbosa and Bell and Grant and Diaw Hill will help the cause, right? Oh's all over...RIP Phoenix Suns. Hopefully Stoudemire goes to a good team after Nash and Shaq retire.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Who in God's name gave Kyle freaking Lowry a 3rd place vote? A PG who plays for a platoon for one of the worst teams in the league is apparently the 3rd best team in the league?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
When your 6'2", fast, (really fast) and you're going probably full speed into a 300 + pound, 7'2" black man, it's going to hurt.
Now he might of acted a little bit, but most of it was probably real.
If you could run as fast as Parker, (doubt it) and you hit anything, it would hurt.
Unless you got super nerd powers or something.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Lowry got as many votes and points as Andrei Kirilenko and Chauncey Billups. There is something seriously wrong with that.

No Rashard Lewis for worst of? I'm fairly certain Orlando didn't pay him all that money for him to go 0-for-9 from downtown in a playoff game. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, he went 0fer the last three quarters of game 1, too.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Okay. I listened. It hurt.

I simply expect more from professional athletes. Think of all of the tough shots some ball players have taken. Bawful even referenced the time when TP and Nash collided. Nash, with the gash, just popped up and played. You think he didn't hurt? I could come up with a hundred examples.

I'm not denying TP was in some pain. I just think he's grossly exaggerating it for calls. And it's not cool. It slows down the game. It makes refs exercise poor judgment. It pisses off crowds. And frankly, it reeks of vagisil. If I wanted all of that, I'd watch soccer.