"Detroit " versus "Cleveland": I know it's the end of the season and the games are meaningless and the coaches need to rest their starters. But Arron Afflalo versus Wally Sczcerbiak was not what the schedule makers had in mind when they arranged for these two teams to meet on the last night of the regular season. Not only were fans forced to watch the scrubs duke it out, they were treated to a total brickfest, with the "Pistons" shooting 38 percent and the "Cavaliers" scoring only 74 points on 32 percent shooting.
Damon Jones: The self-proclaimed "best shooter in the world" shot 1-for-12, and 0-for-4 from three-point range. It's like a stat curse that will never end...
"Washington" versus "Orlando": See above. (I always wanted to watch Marcin Gortat score a career-high 12 points!!)
Adonal Foyle: From Steven: "In the Wizards-Magic game today, Adonal Foyle, in 8 minutes of play, recorded just 1 shot (which was blocked) and 1 rebound. Surely 1 rebound and a shot which was blocked in 8 minutes is worse than a one or two trillion. I mean this guy is a center and thats all he can do?" Add in the fact that he was playing in garbage time? Yeah. Definitely worse than a one or two trillion.
New Orleans Hornets: They actually tried to win their game last night - Byron Scott chose not to rest his starters - and yet they lost to Dallas anyway. What's worse, the loss ensured that the'd be facing the Mavericks in the playoffs.
Chris Paul: He was already a longshot to win the MVP, but the loss coupled with an ass-whoopin' from Jason Kidd (27 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists) cost him whatever little chance he had left. Not to mention it probably gave additional ammunition to the "Anti-Chris Paul For MVP" movement.
Dirk Nowitzki, quote machine: This is what Herr Diggler had to say after the game: "This was definitely a win we wanted to get. The Lakers are probably the hottest team in the West. We definitely didn't want to face them in the first round...(New Orleans) had a great year, but I think we match up pretty well." Good job, Dirk! You managed to demean your first round opponent and show abject fear of a possible future playoff opponent all in the same sentence. And that's what we call insult efficiency.
Isiah Thomas: His last game was a loss that ensured his Knicks would match the worst record in franchise history, which just so happend to occur a few years ago under his watch (although he was "only" the GM; Larry Brown was coaching the team). He also got booed in Indiana, where he once coached and was a college basketball hero at Indiana University. Oh, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. matched his career-high of 36 points for the third time against the Knicks this season. Now that, my friends, is ignominy.
Jamal Crawford, quote machine: Mr. Shoots-a-lot had this to say when asked about Isiah's future with the team. "Everybody here likes coach Thomas a lot. He brought everybody here personally, so there’s a certain loyalty to him and I always put in perspective with Doc Rivers. Last year, they (Boston) won 15, 16 games (actually 24) and everybody wanted him fired. This year, he's up for coach of the year. It helps to get Kevin Garnett no question, but Doc’s done a good job managing down there, so hopefully we can have the same effect here." He cannot be serious. Can he...?
Maurice Cheeks: I understand the need to get your starters some rest, and I also understand the fear of somebody getting hurt. But still, Philly needed a win last night for their confidence. The fact of the matter is, they've been slumping. They know it, the Pistons know it, everybody knows it. But now instead of finishing the season 41-41, they ended it two games under .500 and probably wondering what the hell they're going to do against Detroit. Let me put it this way: I can't remember too many teams who ended the regular season on a four-game losing streak making much noise in the playoffs. Can you?
New Jersey Nets: Beaten by the Celtics bench (their supposed Achille's heel going into this season). Destroyed by Leon Powe (27 points, 11 rebounds). I can't imagine any better way for the Nets to end their miserable season.
Maurice Ager:Ego-ectomy! During the second quarter, Maurice had his junk stuffed by Tony Allen. But it wasn't just a blocked shot; Allen stopped the ball and ripped it away from Ager one-handed.
Atlanta Hawks: I'll let Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm take this one. "Oh, the Hawks lost to Miami. Huh. Let me check the box score. They must have rested the starte...HOW IN THE HOLY BALLS OF CHRIST DO YOU PLAY YOUR STARTERS MORE THAN 30 MINUTES AND NOT BEAT THE HEAT? HOW? Forfeit. Forfeit now, Atlanta. You're about to unleash an embarrassment unlike anything Ben Stiller has ever concocted. Forfeit. Save us all."
Johnny "Red" Kerr: Hooooo, boy! Watching the Bulls may have blown chunks ths season, but Bulls fans always have Johnny to entertain us, and he never let's us down. Never. Ever. [From Odenized.]
Larry Krystkowiak, quote machine: After watching his team finish their 26-56 season with an overtime loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves, Larry said: "It stings. It is a negative exclamation point on a season. It would have been nice to walk out of here with a smile, but such is life." It also would have been nice if your team didn't suck so much. But such is life.
Ramon Sessions: This isn't a worst of the night, unless you count the guys defending him, because "Razor" Ramon had 25 points and 14 assists. This is the same former D-Leaguer who had 20 points and a Bucks franchise record 24 assists against Chicago the other day. Can anyone stop him?!
Corey Brewer: Watch Corey blow his second dunk of the game, then grab the offensive rebound and miss a layup. Another ego-ectomy.
Loren Woods: Thanks, Loren. I didn't think anybody would get a one trillion last night.
Kwame Brown:According to Yahoo!, Kwame had a 12 trillion and a +'- score of -7. According to everybody else, he "only" got a DNP-CD. Whatever the case, he sucks. He sucks bad. If I ever create a new industrial strength vacuum cleaner with incredible sucking power, I'm changing it's name from The Diaw to The Kwame. And, naturally, it'll be totally overpriced...
Utah Jazz: Wow. Way to get castrated by the Spurs, guys. Or is "castration" to generous. Yeah, probably too generous. That loss cost them homecourt advantage in the playoffs, by the way.
Kyle Korver: Remember Kyle's "Tickle-Me Elmo" defense from earlier this season? Well, it happened again. Look, Kyle. I'm sure the whole "Gay Elf" thing goes over big at the Lord of the Rings conventions. But it doesn't work real well in the NBA. Keep it up, and Jerry Sloan is going to choke a bitch. Can you guess who the bitch is going to be?
Bill Kennedy, Pat Fraher and Steve Javie: Poor Brian Skinner almost never gets to play, and you kick him out of the game for this? You guys are assholes just doing your job and trying to keep things under control.
Portland Trailblazers: You guys lost the chance to finish above .500 by losing the the Phoenix bench, which consists of D.J. Strawberry, Alando Tucker, Eric Piatkowski and Sean Marks. Just for that, I'm taking back 13.8 percent of the nice things I said about you this season.
Golden State Warriors: What a way to finish up a heartbreaking season...by losing to the (then) 19-win SuperSonics. I'm suddenly kind of glad they didn't make the playoffs.
Basketbawful: In today's NBA Closer column on Deadspin, I claimed that this year's Golden State Warriors were the first team since the 1990-91 Warriors to field three 20-point scorers. And a reader named Travis let me know I was wrong. "I'm a big fan of the site and your work on Deadspin, but I a quibble with your statement in today's NBA Closer column that the Warriors are the first team in 17 years to have three players average 20 points per game. Depending on how you compute a player's average (i.e., whether you round up), the 2004-05 Wizards had three players who averaged 20 points or more per game: Arenas, Jamison, and (yes, it's true!) Larry Hughes." Thanks for the correction, Travis. I feel like crap now.