Carmelo Anthony: Why's 'Melo so mellow? He's buzzed, that's why. I get the same way. Also: Hungry for burritos. Nice mugshot, by the way.

Carmelo Anthony's fiance: She wouldn't come and pick her meal ticket up from the po-po house? Daaaaamn, girl. Whatchu doin'? You gots to take care of yo' baby daddy!

Ron Artest: Great googly moogly. Ron-Ron's scared of snake eggs. I guess the Sorting Hat would never put him in Slytherin, then. (Do you think J.K. Rowling will try to sue me for making that comment? Speaking of which...)

J.K. Rowling: Do not write about Harry Potter. It may leave the book's author "close to tears," "violated," and "all but paralyzed" by "stress and heartache." Well, I guess we know now that Lord Voldemort didn't die at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. His spirit must be possessing J.K. Is there a countercurse for that?

The Stern Button: Man. What a clusterbumble in Philly last night, huh? I did an extensive writeup of this mess for Deadspin, but let me sum things up: The Sixers were up by one point with a few seconds left. LeBron drove to the hoop -- and totally travelled, by the way -- before getting the ball knocked out of his hand. Devin Brown recovered it, forced a shot, missed it, and the 76ers pulled out a huge 90-89 win. Or did they? The referees reviewed the film and decided the "right call" was that Devin Brown got fouled on his last-second shot attempt. Brown sank the freethrows, and the Cavs won...setting of a ripple-effect throughout the Eastern Conference playoff pond: Cleveland clinched the fourth seed, Washington got stuck with the fifth seed, Toronto backed into the sixth seed, and Philadelphia fell to the seventh seed.

Forget the fact that refs don't make those calls in end-of-game situations -- the prefer to let the players decide the game -- if they really wanted to get things right, they would have called the travel on LeBron, which happened before the foul on Brown. And that should have been the end of the game, with the Sixers winning. But that's not how The Stern Button works, is it?

Death and taxes: Both suck, but only one of them is coming for us today. I hope.

Dwayne Jones: From Jonathan: "Sasha Pavlovic is injured when he's supposed to shoot freethrows, so Mo Cheeks gets to choose a replacement from the Cleveland bench. Enter Philly college favorite Dwayne Jones. Jones proceeds to dutifully clank two free-throws, confirming the 76er's choice, and is summarily yanked 33 seconds later. Technically, isn't this even worse than a 1-trillion?" I'm going to go ahead and say "yes" on that one, Jonathan.

Golden State Warriors: They only needed to hold on to an 11-point fourth quarter lead against the Suns to stay in the playoff race. What do you think happened?

Don Nelson: Why? Why would Don Nelson bench Baron Davis -- the team's captain, emotional co-leader, leading scorer and assist man, and best clutch player -- for the entire second half?! Nelson's explanation? "I gave Baron a much-needed rest in the second half." And that's all he had to say on the subject. I understand that Baron was only 2-for-13 in the first half, but benching him for the entire second half with a playoff bid on the line was stupid, arrogant, and indefensible. The only possible excuse I would accept is that somebody had planted a bomb in Baron's head that was set to go off if he played more than 17 minutes. Whatever the reason, you've made at least one Lakers fan very happy.

Update: Mark from Black Jesus Disciples and Your Face is a Sports Blog may have answered my "What the hell was Nellie thinking?!" question: Apparently, Baron was hungover. Oh, B-Diddy...Jerry West does not approve.

Indiana Pacers: They only needed to win a game against Washington's reserves to stay in the playoff race. What do you think happened?

Miami Heat commentators: From Kevin: "As I was watching the Heat/Raptors game, there was just one comment from the Miami Heat commentator (sorry don't know his name, it's the guy that usually talks the most) that made me almost spit out my drink.'Well not that I'm trying to put a silver lining on this Heat season, because honestly you can't....' Funny to see how the commentators just want the season to end too." This may be the first time I've ever heard of a broadcaster tanking. Also, I'm going to assume that the comments came from Eric Reid.

New York Knicks: Forget the fact that they lost their final home game of the season to the Boston bench, the Knicks gave away free food and nonalcoholic beverages to thank fans for helping them record 21 sellouts. Man, with the season those fans have been through, the Knicks could have at least provided alchoholic beverages. And a lot of them.

Isiah Thomas, poet and philosopher: After last night's loss to the Celtics' reserves, Isiah addressed the uncertainty of his future with the Knicks. "There are certain times when you live in uncertainty and you're not comfortable with it, but you have to learn to settle and be patient and see what plays out. And we all want certainty in our life. However, in the uncertain times you have to sit with it and in sports there are a lot of uncertain times." You want certainty, Isiah? Here's some for you: I'm dead certain you won't be coaching in New York as soon as, say, Wednesday night. Thursday morning at the latest.

Doc Rivers, quote machine, Part I: Doc employed an unsual motivational tactic during halftime last night: He let Masters winner Trevor Immelman give his team a pep talk. "He gave us a halftime speech and it obviously worked. It was great. Half the guys didn't know him, but most of them did." Wait...half of the guys didn't know them...but half of them did...? Is this one of those lateral thinking puzzles? Or did my brain just breaked? I mean, did my break just brained? Crap.

Doc Rivers, quote machine, Part II: More on Immelman's halftime visit. "It was really cool. They gave him a nice standing ovation, shook his hand. We wanted everyone to touch what a champion felt like." Well, hell, who doesn't want to touch what a champion feels like?

The YES Network: From Jorag: "I just wanted you to see this error made by the YES Network on Sam Cassell's night vs the Knicks. I guess that puts him at number two behind Wilt for most rebounds in a single game." Wow...54 rebounds. I knew Sam I Am had some huge balls, but...wow.


Chicago and Milwaukee: Defense? What's that? Oh yeah. It's just waiting to get back on offense. The Bucks were eating popcorn as the Bulls scored 151 points -- just four points off the franchise record of 155 set on December 4, 1990 against the Phoenix Suns -- on 67 percent shooting (including 74 percent from inside the arc). Chicago was sharing that popcorn, apparently, since Milwauke put up 135 points on 57 percent shooting themselves. And there were plenty of other crazy numbers in this game. Like Loul Deng's 32-point, 15-for-20 shooting night. And Chris Duhon's 22-point, 15-assist performance (which I'm guessing would qualify as the best game of his career). And let's not forget Ramon Sessions, formerly of the D-League's Tulsa 66ers, who scored 20 points and had a Milwaukee franchise record 24 assists. Man, I scored 10 points and I wasn't even there.

San Antonio Spurs: With the way they struggled to put away the Kings -- who were without Kevin Martin (right knee), Ron Artest (crazy) and Brad Miller (leg) -- it seems like they're playing "dead" moreso than "possum."

Matt Bonner: From Vinny Gorgeous: "The Argentinan Jackie Robinson is out tonight, but the white Rosa Parks threw up a 6 trillion." Why, Matt? Why?!

Anthony Johnson: That's mister four trillion to you, buddy.

The ESPN Scoreboard: From Sky Flakes: "I can't believe that this is happening at ESPN." Hey, who needs the actual scores? It's more fun to just make them up!

Labels: Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Isiah Thomas, Worst of the Night