Webster gets Harkless in the dreaded finger lock

The Wiz: It doesn't even feel right to call them the Generals anymore, seeing that the Generals win every once in a while. Things have gotten so bad for the Wizards that politicians in Washington are drafting legislation to destroy all pop-cultural staples using the phrase, "nobody beats the Wiz", because as we all know, everybody beats the Wiz. This time it was the Orlando Magic, but next time who knows, maybe a local chapter order of Elks, maybe your grandmother and her bridge cronies—who can really say? About the only good news for the Whiz at this point is that the Bobcats have lost 13 in a row, replacing their formerly worst in the NBA losing streak of 12.

Receding brass rings: The win for Magic brought them within 1 game of .500. Then with 47.8 seconds left Big Baby landed on his shoulder, and just like that Orlando will be missing their leading scorer for 4-6 weeks. Something tells me that they're not going to reach that .500 mark, and that something is hindsight since I'm writing this on Monday.

The Pistons: Greg Monroe penned his doctrine with a career-high 35 points and 10 rebounds, but it wasn't enough to get a win north of the border. The Raptors continued to flourish in the absence of Andrea Bargnani and Kyle Lowry. Ed Davis and Jose Calderon may not be stars, but they've been effective by using this radical new notion called efficiency. Davis demonstrated the principle by only missing 2 shots, while Calderon only committed 2 turnovers to go along with his 17 assists. Lawrence Frank described the 31 Spaniard as having moxie. I'm not quite sure what the official soft drink of Maine has to do with anything, but if that's what it takes then more teams should forget about this Gatorade crap and distribute beverages that were developed over a century ago.

Atlanta's property laws: After a sequence where he blocked Josh Smith and ended up with a dunk, Kevin Durant proudly announced that Philips Arena was his fucking house. I wasn't aware that deeds could be transferred so easily in the state of Georgia, but after looking at the rest of his box-score, 41 points and 13 rebounds, I'm inclined to agree. Russell Westbrook used his 27 points and 11 assists to make the argument that the teammates should work out some sort of time share. The rest of the OKC starters, 15 combined points, seemed content to crash on the couch.

Rondo is chased by bandits

Cleveland:  Now that wearing a mask as a Cavalier has become too mainstream, Tyler Zeller has ditched his, depriving us of an opportunity to see a starting line up of three masked men. Zeller got his first NBA start because Varejao sat out with a bruised knee.

Paul Pierce proved that dropping 40 points with monstrous efficiency isn't just a young man's game, becoming the oldest Celtic to ever accomplish the feat in regulation (Larry Legend had 49 points in a double overtime game at a more advanced age). His response afterwards was typical Wheezy, "Oh yeah? Oh, wow". Not the world's most eloquent appraisal, but then again it's hard to find words to compare with 40 points on 16 attempts with one turnover. Pierce was at his best in the 4th, making all 7 of his shots.

The 76ers: Philadelphia made the radical move of starting both Maalik Wayns and Kwame Brown, and the result was a size 22 shoe up their ass. This beat down was delivered courtesy of the Houston Rockets, but as the 4 previous teams to play them could also attest, you don't actually need to be that good to beat the Sixers without Jrue Holiday. As soon as the wunderkind guard went down they started losing, and something tells me (hindsight) that they won't get a win til his return.

Peanut butter on ice

All that Jazz: Big Al is probably going to be having Roy Hibbert shaped nightmares after going 1-8 for 4 points against him. Gerald Green leapt right over his recent mediocrity on his way to 21 points, clearing all of Utah's top scorers in the process. Gordon Hayward may have played less than 13 minutes, but that didn't stop him from turning the ball over 5 times. The Jazz lost the first quarter by 8 points, and then proceeded to only score 8 points in the 2nd, pretty much ending the game right there and paving the way for a 20 point defeat.

The Bucks: Monta may have been hampered with injuries and guarded by Tony Allen, but that's not going to keep him out of a WotN after shooting 1 for 14 from the floor. Monta missed his first 13 shots from the floor, while Jennings missed his first 8 attempts. Considering that BJ and Marquis Daniels were the Bucks only double figure scorers, it's no small wonder that they lost; what's far more confusing is that they only lost by 10 points.

I'm not retiring the Broped nickname or anything, but this game inspired me to come up with a new nickname for the world's least efficient backcourt based on their initials. Blow-Me missed 30 shots and combined for a 4:7 assist to turnover ratio. As previously stated, I really don't understand how they only lost this game by 10 points. An interesting revelation was brought forth in BJ's comments after the loss.

He's our scorer, so he's the most important player on this team for us. I know he's angry right now, but with great scorers like that you shouldn't be too worried because they always come back strong.

I was surprised to see this admission of inferiority from such a competitive and self-promoting player, although I guess his metric for measuring greatness, shoots a lot, makes sense for a volume scoring guard. Based on this new nickname, BJ does have a point. After all, the act of blowing is key, but without something to blow it's just a lot of empty head bobbing and lip puckering at the air.

Jason Williams: White Chocolate may not have played a game in the NBA for a couple years, but he still gets a WotN for not having bounced the ball off his elbow a few times in a Griz uniform, thus preventing Mike Conley from surpassing him as the franchise's all time assist leader on Wednesday. Kidding aside, I should probably be giving this WotN to the Grizzly franchise instead of Jason Williams (who only played 4 years for them). It's not often you can set an important record for a franchise and maintain it for nearly a decade despite having played less than 300 games for them.

This is not the sight fans of the Warriors want to see

The Warriors: Tom Gola is gonna be pissed. Not only did the Warriors let the Kings score 131 points, but they let their former East Coast rival tie the historic record between the two teams at 184-184. Mark Jackson wasn't too happy about it either.

I'm very disappointed in how we allow a team to score 131 points without their best player

I'm assuming that he's talking about Tyreke Evans. That didn't sit too well with DeMarcus Cousins, who heard what the coach had said to the press, and tracked him down after the game so he could threaten to kick his ass. Jimmer and the Zeke-child must have felt disrespect in the air, judging by their combining for 26 points with neither of them cracking 20 minutes. (I feel the need to point out that line about Cousins was a joke, since at this point it's so hard to tell.)

Donald Sterling-lame ass: There aren't too many figures in the NBA who can make David Stern look good, but Donald Sterling is definitely one of them. The racist, whoremongering slumlord is essentially the last remaining obstacle between the Clippers and likability at the point. Which is probably why he's taking the team's ability to win despite him as an opportunity to ooze his way into the locker room and create awkward scenes.

After the Clips tied their '75 Buffalo incarnation with a franchise-best 11 game winning streak, they were rewarded with the disturbing sight of the Paste Man, who forced Vinny Del Negro to hug him (obviously unaware of his last name) and then led the team in a chorus of hip, hip hooray (because we all know how cool that is). On the upside, he didn't try to bring any women into the showers to stare at his players' "beautiful black bodies" or attempt to inspect anybody's teeth.

Fun Stat: This was a wonderful night for the Clippers, if we can just all ignore their repugnant owner, and fittingly CP3 took the opportunity to notch his 5,000th career assist, becoming the 3rd youngest player to reach the milestone after Magic and Zeke. 



The Hornets: The visitors were pretty much a footnote to the record setting and the winning streak, but they did provide the proper contrast to the Clippers success with their 9th straight loss. Starting guard Austin Rivers matched his 3 point output with 3 turnovers.

The Bobcats: Back in November when they were winning games, the Bobcats success was mostly built on the shoulders of Kemba Walker and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Both players shot a matching 9-14 against the Suns and had impressive all around games. However, this is December so all it resulted in was a 13th straight loss. The Guru of Wins, Jared Dudley, scored 20 points for the first time in his career, and Dragic had 21 points to go along with his 11 assists. 

I don't know what to say about these Cats anymore. If nothing else, maybe they can look around the league and find solace in the recent success of the Grizzlies and the Clippers. Before the Cats joined the league these two franchises had the worst historic records of any current team. It sounds ludicrous, but one day the Bobcats might be enjoying a lengthy streak in the opposite direction. That is unless Jordan gets his hands on some sort of nuclear device and just decides to wipe the franchise off the face of the earth.

Lacktion:

Knicks-Nets: MarShon Brooks stared angrily at Joe Johnson for 124 seconds of statlessness. Mirza Teletovic turned the ball over for a +1 suck differential in the same time frame, joining the opposition's James White in his rank of suckitude.

Celtics-Cavs: Jason Collins was inserted into the starting lineup for the Celtics so KG wouldn't have to play the 5 all night. What resulted was a 6:3 Voskuhl in 23 minutes and 16 seconds for Jason Collins. Leandro Barbosa raced his way to a +1 suck differential in 3:18 flat. 

Labels: Donald Sterling is an asshole, Kevin Durant, Kwame Brown, Paul Pierce, The Bobcats, The Broped, The Cavaliers, The Jazz, The Wizards