Sorry this is so late guys, real work and all, blah, blah, blah.



What is Tyler Seguin doing?

Cleveland Cadavers:   With their fifth straight loss and losses in eight of their last nine games, they have mercifully slipped out of playoff contention and won't have the privilege of getting blasted by the Bulls in the first round. They make the Worsties because, any time you lose to the Pissed-Ons by double digits at home, you're on the Worsties. I think it's written into the Basketbawful by-laws or something.


Orlando Magic:  Bleargh. How do you get blown out by they Knicks by 22 points? It's not like they even shot that bad from 3-point land (about 35%). And this is against a team that's missing STAT (I know, addition by subtraction) and Linsanity! Of course, when you've got Superman on your team and you still get outrebounded 49-34, the blame gets laid at one (very large) pair of feet.

Dwight Howard:  Here's a list of Knicks players who outrebounded Howard:

Tyson Chandler  (ok)
Josh Harrellson (who?)
Iman Shumpert (ugh)
Baron Davis (WHAAAA?!?!?!?)

Dwight, you got outrebounded by a fat point guard with a bad back. Have you already started mailing it in in advance of the summer of 2013?

Here's a list of players from either team who had more turnovers than Howard:

...

To put the poisoned cherry on top of the crap sundae, Howard was also -31 for the game. In only 28 minutes of play. How does that even happen?


Charlotte Bobcraps:  OK, I can understand giving up 40 and 19 to Love. He's a good player. After the game Paul Silas tried to downplay your miserable play against him by insinuating he might be an MVP candidate. Nice way to deflect, coach.

But nothing can deflect the fact that you not only gave up a double-double to Luke Ridnour, you also gave up a double-double to Anthony Tolliver. I know you're tanking to give yourself the best chance to get Anthony Davis, but try to be a little more subtle about it, ok? I mean, shooting at your own basket a la Ricky Davis is more subtle than letting Ridnour drop 14 dimes on you. Show a little self-respect.


Atlanta Hawks:  This is the reason nobody takes you seriously, Atlanta. No matter how many good games you have, everyone knows games like these are just around the corner. At home playing a team without the reigning MVP, you lay a stinkbomb worthy of Pepe LePew. 77 points? Letting Deng, Boozer, and Gibson shoot 24-for-39 against you? That's like a shooting percantage of 224%!!! For crying out loud, you let Scalabrine get an offensive rebound against you! Have you no shame, Atlanta Hawks? At least Knee-Mac continued his streak of scoring zero points in a game, so you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

Joe Johnson - Tellin' it like it is quote:  "Sometimes, we're not so disciplined," he said. "It seems like there's a few guys who don't know their roles on this team. We do a lot of things that don't help us."

Testify!


Paul Pierce's career in a single snapshot

C.J. Miles:  Hey, Ceej? That 'SF' next to your name in the box score doesn't mean 'Shoot First'. If you end up going 1-for-10, it was probably a good idea to stop shooting way before the end of the game.


Indiana Pacers:  Playing the Nyets, who were down to eight healthy players by the end of the game, Indiana laid a Texas-sized turd on the court. You would have thought that the team who was depending on Gerald Green would have struggled, but instead it was the league's Best Kept Secret that got outscored by 14 in the final quarter on their way to losing by 16.


Danny Granger:  2-for-8 from the field. Four turnovers, fouled out in only 21 minutes of action. Something tells me Granger's agent won't be putting any clips from this game in the portfolio when he's trying to get Danny Boy a new contract.


The D-Fence in Sac-Town:  I can understand Sacremento's defense allowing the Spurs to shoot almost 54% from the field and an even 50% from three-point land, but what in Wide Wide World of Sports was going on with San Antonio? Letting the Kings shoot nearly 55% from the field while Isaiah "yeah, I'm named after him, but my name isn't spelled like his" Thomas roasts you for 28 points and 10 assists must have had Pops throwing eye daggers at the sideline reporter unfortunate enough to have to interview him before the fourth quarter.

I couldn't find a picture of Blake
where he wasn't making this face

Los Suns:  Just an all-around barf-o-rama shooting performance from the visitors. Under 40% shooting from the field, less than 20% from long distance. On the plus side, Nash assisted on half of his team's field goals. On the minus side, he didn't make a single one of his own and his team only made 30 field goals.

 Channing Frye:  Frye was perfect from inside the arc and shot less than 20% from three-point range. So guess how many shots he took from each distance? If you guessed "four two-pointers and 11(!) three-pointers", collect your prize at the front desk on your way out. In honor of Frye's shooting, your prize is a brick.

Blake Griffin - backhanded compliment quote machine:  "They're two of the elite point guards," Griffin said. "Obviously, Steve is older and in his last years, or whatever, and CP's in his prime right now and it's extremely fun to watch him. But it's also fun to see how good Steve Nash still is at his age and how much he helps his team."

In my head, I like reading that quote but imagining that Griffin's voice is replaced by a 14-year old Valley Girl's voice. It somehow seems to fit better.


Chris' lacktion report (aka The Night Sebastian Telfair Scored A +11 Suck Differential Lacktion Report)

Magic-Knicks: Von Wafer built a pyramid worth 5.45 trillion (328 seconds) for Orlando.

Pistons-Cavs: Cleveland's Luke Walton warded off a 11:06 stint with two fouls and turnovers each for a +4.

Pacers-Nyets: AJ Price named his own payday, by bringing home a 3.2 trillion (194 seconds) for Indiana.

Bulls-Hawks: Jason Collins crammed a perfect shot in 13:53, but also collected 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Spurs-Purple Paupers: Matt Bonner (in 23 seconds) and James Anderson (in 17 seconds) fixed Gregg Popovich's plumbing system as Mario Brothers.

Suns-Clippers: STOP THE PRESSES. SEBASTIAN TELFAIR BRICKED FIVE TIMES (TWICE FROM THE FIRST INTERSTATE BUILDING) AND TOOK A REJECTION, TWO TURNOVERS, AND THREE FOULS FOR AN EPIC +11 SUCK DIFFERENTIAL IN 14:12.

Hornets-Warriors: New Orleans's Chris Johnson jacked up a successful shot (in two attempts) in 13:32 and also made two rebounds, only to lose the rock twice and foul thricely for a 5:4 Voskuhl.

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4 Comments:
Anonymous Stockton said...
That pepe LePew cracked me up...

On the downside, no mention to Super-Dickery Garnett? That's a basketbawfull banner...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
matt? the basketbawful matt is back? Thank God.. Finally!

Blogger stephanie g said...
I don't know who Danny Granger is.

Did you mean Granny Danger?

Blogger Wormboy said...
LOL @ Steph. Again.

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