AAAAHHHH!!! Scary Ball!!!!!!!!

Cleveland Cadavers:  Hey, there Cleveland. Tough loss, you know? But you played OK. More assists than turnovers. Didn't totally stink it up from the line. Shot almost 40% from deep. You out-rebounded your opponent. You've got a lot of positives to take from this game.

*takes a closer look at box score*

JODIE MEEKS?!?!?!?!?   The same guy that got one point and one rebound against Boston two games ago dropped 31 on you? 7-for-10 from deep? This guy shoots under 42% for his career and goes 11-for-16 against you?  Cadavers, you have soiled the good name of Cleveland.

Atlanta Hawks:  The Hawks played well in a lot of ways. They shot 50% and outrebounded the Bucks. They had 27 assists on the night and Smoove went off for 30 and 18. They also played crappy in a lot of ways, turning the ball over 22 times (for 25 points going the other way) and made only 10-of-17 from the charity stripe. Another way they played well was keeping Dampier and Collins glued to the bench the entire game. Some coach's decisions are easier than others, I guess.

Minnesota Timberpups:  Remember when Rubio was injured for the season and some people thought that their defense would be more affected than their offense? That might be true, but their offense was pretty offensive tonight. Sub-40% shooting (sub-35% without Love) and only 13 assists (plus only 9 fast break points) will happen when you're depending on Luke Ridnour to lead your offense. Plus, they got abused by the Memphis big men, who combined to shoot 17-for-26. Of course, that didn't stop Love from expressing some passive-aggressive finger-pointing with regards to his non-injured teammates who are being called on to play more minutes:

"I know other guys need to step up and play as hard as they can."

Way to build up your team, Kev!

Grizzlies long-range shooting:  0-11. Not a typo, not a misprint. Just bawful. Can someone check to see if the Memphis guards/wings were in on some kind of point-shaving scheme? They barely shot 30% for the game. Missing two out of every three shots can't be normal can it? Actually, looking at some of their players, I guess it is. Call off the investigation.

Houston Rockets:  After jumping out to a 26-10 lead in the first quarter, the Rockets figured they'd take the next two quarters off, getting outscored 50-31. They might have complained about running out of gas after playing two overtime games in the last three nights, but I can't feel sorry for a team that let the Kings take them to OT. If you can't put the Kings away in regulation at home, you deserve everything you get.

Lamar Odom:  Yes, it was very nice that Odom didn't completely crap the bed, but all the comments about his "breakout" 9-point, 4-rebound performance feels a little....excessive. His coach called it a "great step in the right direction". Sure, you might want to cheer for kids at the Special Olympics like that, but is Odom's ego so fragile that you need to fluff him for a triple-single performance?  (wait, don't answer that).

Phoenix Suns:  Suns take fourth quarter lead, blah, blah, blah, Spurs come back and win, blah, blah, blah, Duncan, Parker, Ginobili are a big reason why, blah, blah, blah, Nash performs well in the loss, blah, blah, blah. Are the Spurs and Suns locked in some kind of weird Groundhog Day scenario where they're forced to re-live the same game every time they meet? At least Michael Redd has been a great pickup (7ppg on 40% shooting).

Portland's "defense":  Hands? Faces? Aren't they supposed to meet somewhere along the line, Portland? OKC's version of the Big Three shot a combined 32-for-47.  LaMarcus Aldridge had a thought about that:

"I don't think we made things as difficult as we could have," Aldridge said. "I feel like they were just taking warm-up shots in the first half."

He's not wrong.

I'm going to hold my breath until Brown
stops benching me
Los Angeles Lakers:  Facing a Warriors team that threw out a starting lineup where David Lee was the unequivocal "star", the Lakers still needed two hero shots by Bryant late in the fourth quarter to slink away with a victory. Of course, it wouldn't be fun without a little drama in LA, and Mike Brown and Andrew Bynum provided:

While Brown and Bryant never made a big deal about the benching, a similar situation is starting to brew. Center Andrew Bynum, who took a 3-pointer with plenty of time remaining on the shot clock in the third quarter, sat for the game's final 9:10 -- and suddenly seems at odds with the coach.

"I don't know what was bench-worthy about the shot, to be honest with you," said Bynum, who had 11 points and five rebounds. "I made one [in Sunday's game]. I wanted to make another one. That's it. He took offense to it, so he put me on the bench."

I made one. So I wanted to make another. I'm a 7-footer who makes 1 out of every 8 three pointers I attempt. But I wanted to make another.

Andrew Bynum and Jeremy Tyler attempt to recreate
the final scene from Requiem For a Dream

Back by popular demand is Chris' lacktion report:

Cavs-Sixers: Nicola Vucevic bricked once in 87 seconds for a +1.

Hawks-Bucks: Willie Green fouled twice, lost the rock once and also contributed a brick in 6:23 to give Atlanta a +4.

Wolves-Grizzlies: Brad Miller scrapped a steal in 2:07 only to brick and foul once each for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Rockets-Mavs: Brian Cardinal and Dominique Jones celebrated another Dallas victory with a 15 seconds Pokemon battle as MARIO BROTHERS!

Thunder-Frail Blazers: Oklahoma City's Lazar Hayward had a turnover and a brick from the US Bancorp Tower in 184 seconds for a +2.

Meanwhile, Kurt Thomas countered a board and assist in 11:10 with two fouls and turnovers each for a 4:1 Voskuhl.

Lakers-Warriors: Jeremy Tyler trashed three boards in 9:33 with two bricks, three fouls, and one lost rock for a 4:3 Voskuhl, and fellow East Oaklander Mickell Gladness botched a two-block night with a brick and a foul for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.


Anonymous Lucas said...
Wait a minute, Cleveland has a good name?

Blogger Dan B. said...
Lucas -- That's the joke.

Blogger Scoot said...
Ok the requiem for a dream reference made me laugh a lot...and comment for the first time in years of reading! Well played

Blogger TeamD said...
Hatt off for you, Matt

Anonymous Czernobog said...
"You have soiled the good name of Cleveland" may be the funniest thing you've ever written.

Anonymous Stockton said...
Garnett went back to d$ck mode last night... wonder why he never pulled those stunts on guys like Malone, or Oakley...

Anonymous JJ said...

I'm guessing it's the same reason he never pulled those stunts on guys like LeBron, Shaq, etc...