Reminds me of the time my grandpa tried to get out of a bean bag.
Greg Oden: Out for the season. Again. I haven't been this not surprised since M. Night Shyamalan's last twist ending.

Here's the e-mail Dan B. sent me about Oden. Pretty much sums it all up:

Seriously, what the f**k is wrong with Greg Oden's body??? Does his cock weigh that much that it's putting strain on his lower body and destroying his knees??? It's just getting sad at this point. Dude's played 82 TOTAL games over two partial seasons in his career, and now he's managed to need microfracture surgery on the knee that DIDN'T already have microfracture surgery. I almost want to fly to Portland to just give the poor guy a hug at this point.

Greg -- and Blazers fans everywhere -- this is for you:


Eva Longoria: Wait, wait, wait. She wants spousal support? But...but...she's the second-highest paid Latino on television! In all seriousness, Eva only made about $12 million last year. And before you get all snarky, yes, she might make a lot of money, but she also spends a lot of money. Patrick Ewing knows what I'm talking about.

Tony Parker: I think we can all agree that the real loser in this situation is poor Brent Barry. That's some serious superdickery right there, Tony.

I mean, the dude is schtupping Eva freaking Longoria and he has to spray his foul seed all over Barry's wife too? It reminds me of this guy I used to work with at the Kokomo Parks and Recreation Department, Bruce McDonald, the same guy who once told me "pussy ain't got no face." Anyway, ol' Brucie, he once offered that, "For every beautiful woman you see, there's some guy who's tired of fucking her."

I guess Bruce was right. On the latter point. Just to be clear.

Update! Actually, I've changed my mind. This is all Brent Barry's fault for marrying somebody way too hot for him. Right, Jimmy Soul?


The Chicago Bulls: It's hard to believe, but with 2:53 left in the second quarter, Kyle Korver and Omer Asik hooked up on a sweet pick and roll play that looked like something out of an instructional video. Korver delivered a perfect pass, Asik dunked the ball with authori-tah, and the Bulls built a nearly inconceivable 45-28 lead.

Then everything went to shit. For the Bulls anyway.

The Spurs ripped off a 9-2 run to close out the half, reducing the Bulls lead to 10. That led to a napalm storm in the third quarter, during which San Antonio outscored the Windy City Stags 37-12. During that 12 minutes, the Spurs shot 15-for-21 while the Bulls went 6-for-23.

Said Derrick Rose: "Everything went cold. And I felt as though all happiness had gone from the world. And I remembered: dreadful things."

The Phoenix Suns: Allow me to put it like this:


As for Chris Bosh, can we all just assume this was him giving a big old middle finger to The Basketball Jones?

Bonus meaningful stat: Steve Nash had 2 assists. According to the AP recap, the last time he had only a duo of dimes was December 29, 2008, against the Oklahoma City Thunder. That was 141 games ago. According to STATS LLC., it was only the ninth time in 737 games where Nash played at least 29 minutes and failed to get more than two assists. So I guess it will in fact take more than "having an elite point guard" to win every game against the Heat.

Update! Joel Anthony: This super epic fail is why Basketbawful reader kazam92 hates him. Well...one of the reasons.


The Philadelphia 76ers: When you're a 2-9 team, there aren't too many reasons to get excited. But getting a home game against another 2-9 team like the Craptors should probably qualify. So naturally the Andre Iguodala-less Sixers came out and shot 36 percent as a team while giving up a season-high 30 points to Andrea Bargnani and a career-high 25 to Sonny Weems.

In a matchup of crappy crap teams, Philly was the King of Crap.

Said Evan Turner: "We've got to get it together. Sometimes you try to trust each other, but sometimes you just have to play without thinking."

Actually, Evan, you guys seem to have mastered playing without thinking.

Bonus bawful stat: The teams combined to shoot 2-for-20 from downtown, 1-for-8 for the Sixers and 2-for-12 for the Craptors.

Bonus totally meaningless stat: From the AP game notes: "Bargnani's 3-pointer in the first quarter helped extend Toronto's streak to 954 consecutive games with at least one shot converted from beyond the arc. The Raptors started the streak on Feb. 26, 1999."

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "In the tougher games, we've found it tough sledding to get a hoop."

Reggie Evans, quote machine: "I didn't think we had respect for the game against Washington. A lot of peers paved the way for us in this league. We got an F [on Tuesday] night. I think we got a much higher grade here and played with the type of energy we need to be successful."

The Washington Wizards Generals: The Generals were on prop duty last night against, standing around like a bunch of cardboard cutouts while the Celtics shot nearly 66 percent from the field and built a 37-point lead on their way to a 114-83 victory.

Key stat: Boston had a 32-12 edge in assists. Hitting shots will do that for a team. Not that the Generals would know...they hit only 38 percent of their field goal attempts. Still, it's notable since Washington had at least 25 assists in their previous five games.

Maybe it was because the Generals were without John Wall and Yi Jianlian?

Said Flip Saunders: "We didn't play them last night and we won. Not much to say."

I guess not.

Of course, then Saunders added: "I told our guys, 'They reached right into our chest and just took away our will.' We just couldn't do anything."

Gilbert Arenas, quote machine: "These are the games when you're on the playground and you beat somebody up, and then the real bully comes and beats you up. We played great last night...and then the big fish came and whooped us up."

The Detroit Pistons: Five minutes. Actually, four minutes and 59 seconds. That's how far into the game Rip Hamilton made it before fouling Kobe Bryant on a jump shot and then getting an automatic ejection after receiving double technicals for...well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure. As the AP recap put it: "Hamilton didn't appear too demonstrative, but he must have said something because official Derrick Stafford gave him two quick technical fouls before Bryant even stepped to the free-throw line."

Said Kobe: "I just heard two quick whistles, and that was it. I really wasn't sure what happened."

Welcome to the zero-tolerance NBA, Rip. It's FANtastic.

Said Detroit coach John Kuester: "Before you blink an eye, Rip's gone and we have to make some adjustments. He's a great player, and he's a competitor who wants to play his best against the best."

Instead, the Pissed-ons played their worst against the best. Detroit shot 39 percent from the field and fell behind by 27 before the Lakers cruised in for a 103-90 win that never felt nearly as close as the final score makes it look. Mostly 'cause L.A. hit 57 percent in the first half while building a 59-45 lead. Then they scored the first seven points of the third quarter to go up 66-45 and the slaughter rule kicked in.

Detroit "fans": There are plenty of things you expect to hear in Detroit. Gun shots. Weeping. Hopeless cries of anguish and despair. Satan laughing. But "M-V-P!" chants for Kobe Bryant? Really?

Said Kuester: "I'm not going to lie to you. I'm disappointed. There were a lot of their fans here tonight. I was here in 2004, and I know what the Detroit fans are like. Those weren't our fans."

Joe Dumars: I flipped to this game in the third quarter and all I could think was: A few years ago, everybody thought Joe Dumars was a genuis and Lakers fans wanted to see Mitch Kupchak's head on a stick. Funny, huh?

Ben Wallace, Attourney At Law: Given Big Ben's post-NBA aspirations, I'm guessing he objected to Rip's double techs. No, no, no. He strenuously objected.

Bonus video courtesy of Basketbawful reader BenWallaceAttourneyAtLaw:



And again:


The Los Angeles Clippers: Let's see: The Timberpoops shot 53 percent from the field and went 10-for-19 from beyond the arc. They scored 26 points off 17 Clippers turnovers. Kevin Love had another huge game with 24 points and 14 boards. Michael Beastly netted 33 points and knocked down the game-winner with 2.3 seconds left.

And Dark Milicic -- see how I removed the "o" from his name? -- finished with 11 points on 5-for-6 shooting.

Yes indeedy do: The Clippers (1-11) are who we thought they were.

Said Eric Gordon: "This whole year we're just beating ourselves. At least seven out of these 11 games we've been right there, and we're just beating ourselves. We're right there. We've been in this situation seven, eight times and we just let them off the hook."

In all fairness to The Other L.A. Team, they are without Chris Kaveman, B-Doodie and Randy Foye. So, you know, excuse, excuse, excuse.

Vinny Del Negro, coach of the year candidate, Part 1: Get ready for it.

"The guys are battling, fighting. If you look at it statistically we're doing some good things, but the turnovers really hurt us, and their field-goal percentage, we've got to do a better job there."

[checks stats]

[double-checks stats]

Uhm, Vinny?

Vinny Del Negro, coach of the year candidate, Part 2: "There's nothing you can do but keep grinding it out, get ready for tomorrow and try to get some of the troops back, get Chris and Baron and Randy back and see if that can give us a little bit of a boost. Our young guys are getting a lot of experience now, and that's a positive thing. We definitely need to get a win here, but if we keep battling like we did tonight and sharpen some things up we'll have some opportunities."

I wonder if Vinny ever gets that "running in a hamster wheel" feeling?

The Houston Rockets: Okay, so Thunder coach Scott Brooks promised his team they could have a day off if they notched at least 20 assists against the Rockets. Well, they went out and dished out a season-high 26 assists to go with a season-low nine turnovers, the ninth of which was committed while purposely letting the shot clock run out in the final seconds.

That's how Brooks motivated his team. Not with "go out and beat this credible threat of a team," but with "go out and meet some random statistical measure."

It's been that kind of season for the Rockets (3-8). Who, to be fair, are still Aaron Brook-less and Yao Ming-less and were playing in Oklahoma City on the second night of back-to-back games after losing a close one at home to the Bulls.

Said Shane Battier: "We just have to figure it out. We've got to grind it out right now."

Grind it out? Has Shane been talking to VDN?

The New Jersey Nyets: Huh. So the Jazz were outrebounded 57-44 and shot 40 percent from the field and 1-for-12 from downtown...

...and won by 10? Well, we already know the Clippers lost to the Timberwolves, so Utah must have beaten the Nyets. Know what I'm sayin'?

Avery Johnson, quote machine: "OUR TEAM, WE'RE NOT AT A POINT RIGHT NOW MENTALLY WHERE WE REALLY BELIEVE DEEP DOWN IN OUR GUT THAT WE CAN WIN THESE GAMES. WHEN WE GET THERE, WE'LL START BEATING AN ORLANDO AT HOME. WE'LL MAYBE GET US A WIN AGAINST A REALLY GOOD UTAH TEAM ON THE ROAD."

Andre Kirilenko, quote machine: "In the perfect game, everybody scores lots of points."

Don't laugh. Kirilenko knows a thing or two about perfect situations.

The Sacramento Kings: You know how in horror movies there's almost always one character that you really like even though they're kind of pathetic. And when they last a little longer than expected, you start to kinda hope that maybe, just maybe, they won't end up shoved into the wood chipper or slowly cut in half with a butter knife. And then when they have a party horn shoved into their eye socket, and disappointed and wigged out as you are, you have to admit to yourself you knew it was going to happen. It was only a matter of time.

Well, yeah. Hi, Purple Paupers.

Paul Westphal, coach of the year candidate: "We mixed in some excellent basketball with some sub-sixth grade basketball. It was indescribably bad. It's really hard to find any middle ground for us. We're looking for some consistency and it didn't happen tonight."

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, quote machine: "We have to get used to this feeling. Tonight was a night where we showed progress from the Denver game. We played well in that game. Tonight we carried it over. We have to keep this swagger and this mentality and go on to the next one."

Memo to STAT: You beat the f**king KINGS, dude. They're 3-7 on the year and only 1-5 at home. Beating them does not give you swagger. Unless you're talking about the drunken kind of swagger where you end up face down in an alley throwing up all over yourself.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Suns-Heat: Earl Barron earned one rebound in 9:15, only to foul thricely for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Raptors-Sixers: Philadelphia's Jason Kapono collected a cool 5.35 trillion (5:21).

Lakers-Pistons: In the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1988 NBA Finals, Luke Walton lost the rock once and threw up a brick in 2:10 for a +2 suck differential.

Clippers-Wolves: Brian Cook flash-baked a toadstool in 2 seconds for a Super Mario, while Kosta Koufos canceled out a rebound in 5:17 with a brick, giveaway, and two fouls for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Mavs-Hornets: Brian Cardinal can now take over Mark Cuban's shift at the local Dairy Queen, after earning a 2.85 trillion (2:51)! Pops Mensah-Bonsu fathered a foul while chasing fire flowers in 15 seconds, earning a +1 in a Mario.

Rockets-Thunder: Royal Ivey will be able to refurbish his throne, after a 2.8 trillion for Oklahoma City (2:47)!

Nyets-Jazz: New Jersey's Terrence Williams shopped at the ZCMI Center and procured a pair of bricks in 6:11 for a +2.

Bulls-Spurs: Brian Scalabrine scraped away a board in 9:04 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl, while Danny Green (26 seconds) and Chris Quinn (22 seconds) put on their overalls as San Antonio's Mario Brothers!

Knicks-Kings: Timofey Mozgov made one rebound in 5:46, only to lose the rock twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl (his second Voskuhl in two nights).

Of course, in the Purple Paupers' regular effort in snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory, Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson FINALLY lived up to his name in his Natomas residency with a +4 in 9:55 via two tossed bricks and two fouls, while Antoine Wright launched a Koopa shell into the psyche of Kings fans everywhere with a 21 second Mario.

Labels: vomit, Worst of the Night