Basketbawful

Monday, February 06, 2006

There are a lot of depressing things in the world. Nuclear war. Dead puppy dogs. Old people on fixed incomes who have to eat pet food just to survive. And of course the people who draw Allen Iverson's nipples. But the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life is, without question, the Scalabrine.com website.

Brian has these inspirational words for every site visitor.
A lot of NBA players have their own official websites. Guys like Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Tracy McGrady...guys who have game. Giving someone like Brian Scalabrine a personal website is like letting the the fat kid at your high school be Homecoming King. Sure, it's a nice thing to do, and maybe even inspiring. But you're also going to create unrealistic expectations. People like the fat kid are only good for certain things, like doing the Truffle Shuffle or winning a hot dog eating contest. Likewise, the only use for Brian Scalabrine is keeping the bench warm for Paul Pierce and handing out Gatorade during timeouts. That's pretty much the sum total of his contributions to the team. If you give a guy like that a website, people are going to start expecting him to play basketball, and then the entire fantasy is going to go up in smoke.

But since you've come this far, I guess I should review the site. It features a photo gallery, the Celtics' game schedule, and Brian's player profile. (Did you know he had a career-high 16 points in 30 minutes back in 2002? Yeah, surprised me too.) But the most outstanding aspect of this site -- and by "outstanding" I mean equal parts "ridiculous" and "amusing" -- is the open invitation to the Scalabrine Hoop Camp. This supposedly is some Neighborhood of Make-Believe were Brian and his "expert staff" (none of which are named) teach you about sill development, teamwork, and fun. Or as the website says: The Dream Starts Now.

I suppose that, to a certain extent, anybody who makes it into the NBA has to be a pretty good basketball player. I'm sure if Brian showed up at my pickup league, he'd totally clean house. Well, I'm pretty sure, anyway. But I still don't think I'd pay money to have him teach me the fundamentals of the game, even if that teaching does come with a free t-shirt. I've seen Brian play. He can't shoot, pass, or rebound. Watching him dribble the ball is like watching someone try to play Scrabble during an epileptic seizure. I guess he's kind of tall and everything, but the last time I checked you can't teach height. Although even if you could, I'm sure he'd find a way to screw that up too.

"I have attended Brian's camps for the past 4 years. Each year I had a great time. Not only have I become a much better basketball player but also a better person." ~ Austin, age 10, New York

I feel kind of bad calling Brian a liar, especially since I haven't actually met him in person. But I find it impossible to believe that a 10-year-old could become a better person by attending Camp Scalabrine, and I find it preposterous to think that the kid would actually say that even if it were true. That wasn't the best quote on the page, though. This one was:

"Brian's camp gave me a lot more confidence when I'm on the court. My favorite station is low post moves. It really helps me dominate the inside." ~ Jordan, age 8, New York

I'm glad that Brian and his staff can help a child realize the dream of low post domination. But this quote is pretty suspect. Do elementary school children know what the low post is, let alone what it means to dominate? Is there a "Trash Talk" station at Brian's camp? We may never know. I tried to register, but no dates or prices are currently available.

So. Freaking. Cool.

4 Comments:

Anonymous said...

That last picture of him trying to look all hard actually makes him look like Dustin Diamond, or "Screech" from Saved by the Bell.

2/07/2006 10:22 AM

Basketbawful said...

Damn it Chris. Where were you yesterday? I could have met my quota of pop culture references if only you'd been there for me.

2/07/2006 3:01 PM

chris said...

(Not the same Chris as the original responder, but the guy behind the Lacktion Report!)

Looks like Scalabrine.com is down, so no place for 8 and 10 year olds to learn low-post moves and how to properly wear a silly headband while one hobbles their way to a Derrick Rose smother chicken. Darn.

5/04/2009 1:58 PM

Anonymous said...

my name is jesse, and i actually went to the same high school as Brian. Whoever wrote this stuff on this page, apparently has never played basketball. Not only would Brian "clean house" in your rec league, he would average 50! People have no idea how good even the 15th guy on an NBA team are!!!! If you have ever met Brian you would know that his IQ of basketball is amazing. He has the same brain type as Larry Bird... and the way he prepares and plays the game is right! holla back.

jb

10/30/2009 9:03 PM