bron fart
"I know you're the one droppin' ass, 'Bron. You're not even bein' subtle about it."

The Atlanta Hawks: From last night's BAD comments: A piece of prophecy from kazam92: "LeBron and Wade both out tonight. Mario Chalmers will end up on WOTN for something tomorrow. I guarantee it."

He was right. But not in the way he probably expected.

In what may have been the least compelling and most painful-on-the-eyes triple-overtime "thriller" ever, the Hawks lost at home to a Miami cHeat team that missing both Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

The RuPaul of Big Men (33 points, 14 reboundsd, 5 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots) and -- yesyesmyfuckinggoditistrueohgod -- Mario Chalmers (29 points and 8 assists) killed their asses.

And the Boshtrich even went all Mr. Clutch on those Dirty Birds:

No, this is not a dream. No, I am not making this up.

Look at some of these shooting lines: Josh Smith (6-for-17), Marvin Williams (2-for-10), Joe Johnson (7-for-20 and 1-for-7 on threes), Jeff Teague (1-for-12)...and watching it happen was worse than reading the box scores. Bricks and airballs, including one terrible airball chuck down the stretch of the third OT. Thanks for that, Josh Smith.

This crap was so unwatchable that, had it gone one more overtime, I might be writing this post to you from the grave.

Now, for your reading pleasure, the text exchange I had with Dan B. about this festival of fail:

hawks heat text 1

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hawks heat text 6

Charles Barkley, quote machine: From an anonymous reader: "Just watched the bawful Hawks Heat game. Charles said it best: (after Reggie said the loss was a black eye for the Hawks) 'I wish I could punch them in the other eye.'"

The Dallas Mavericks: Just how bad were the Mavericks last night? Here's how bad: the Manu Ginobili-less Spurs converted a miserable 39 percent of their field goals...

...and beat the Mavs by 22 points. That's bad.

It was that kind of night. Dallas shot 35 percent and went 1-for-19 from downtown...the worst three-point shooting performance in franchise history in a game with more than 10 attempts (thanks mikeyb). Cuban's Cowboys trailed by as many as 28 points and Matt Bonner (17 points on 6-for-10 shooting) thoroughly outplayed Dirk Nowitzki (6 points on 3-for-11 shooting). Hell, the entire Dallas starting lineup (24 points) barely outscored Bonner.

Said Bonner: "That was a Christmas miracle."

The Mavericks, for their part, blamed a schedule that had them playing their sixth game in eight nights.

Said Dirk: "Some of it is on us, but six games in eight days is a lot for anybody."

Added San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "You didn't see the real Dirk tonight, that's for sure. As the season wears on, all the teams will get into better shape and get sharper and look better."

You sure about that, Pop?

Continued Jason Terry: "We're a team that prides ourselves on getting stops defensively and making them pay on the offensive end, and that didn't happen tonight. Maybe when guys get their legs back, we'll start making shots at a higher percentage."

Ah. A season full of scheduling excuses. Good times.

And now, bonus bawful, courtesy of Dirk Nowitzki via an anonymous reader:

The Milwaukee Bucks: It looked like the Bucks had finally found a team they could beat on the road. I mean, the Kings were an awful, dysfunctional mess.

But then Paul Westfail got fired.

Said DeMarcus Cousins: "You just felt free out there. You didn't feel like you had like 30-pound bags on your back. You just felt free. It felt good to be out there."

Wow. That will not be used as a pull quote on Westfail's coaching resume.

Anyway, the Bucks were on absolute fire for a team that has nothing even remotely resembling an NBA offense. Milwaukee shot 51 percent as a team and broke the 100-point barrier, which is about as impossible as walking into the Olive Garden and finding a Unicorn having a dinner of baby back ribs with JFK dressed as Elvis. The Bucks even carved out a 21-point halftime lead...

...and managed to lose anyway. Dead Coach Bounce. Just as Dan B. predicted.

Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "In the second half, they just took it to us. They shoved us under the basket. We didn't have much resistance, and they started driving right by us."

The Paupers outscored the Deer In The Headlines 66-42 in the second half, including 35-18 in the fourth quarter. And all I can say is if the Bucks can't win even when they're scoring points, WILL THEY EVER WIN?!

No, probably not.

And just to block the socks off your feet, here's video evidence that a Bucks-Kings game can actually produce at least one watchable play. But only one.

Los Angeles Lakers: You know, when I write these Worst of the Night posts, I only talk about the Lakers when they can be included in the "Worst" part. That...that doesn't seem fair somehow. So maybe I'll let this one slide on by.

Or maybe not.

The Lakers got big games out of Pau Gasol (19 points, 7-for-10, 7 rebounds), Andrew Bynum (21 points, 9-for-16, 12 boards) and Kobe Bryant (30 points, 13-for-24, 8 rebounds)...but they couldn't do anything with LaMarcus Aldridge (28 points, 11-for-20, 10 rebounds) or Gerald Wallace (31 points).

The Lakers seemed like they were in control until the third quarter. They were working the ball inside and taking advantage of the Bynum-Gasol combo. It looked like Portland couldn't do a damn thing about it. Then things turned around.

Wanna know when I think it started?

With 8:41 left in the third, Wallace drove straight into Kobe for an "And-1!" opportunity. Mamba not only got called for the foul, but he fell backwards onto his bad wrist. And you know how Kobe responds to personal affronts like that.

By shooting.

You can check the play-by-play. On the Lakers next possession, Kobe took a jumper, missed it, grabbed the offensive board, put it back in. The possession after that, he drilled a three. Missed a jumper on the next possession. Two possessions later, he launched and bricked (badly) a 30-footer. Next possession he was called for a three-second violation. About 20 seconds later, he missed another jumper.

Oh, and check out his All-NBA First Team Defense after his missed three:

By the time he kind of stopped gunning, L.A.'s offense was all sorts of out of whack. The Blazers would win that quarter 32-18 and never look back.

I just love hitting a hornets nest with a stick.

Quentin Richardson: Looks like we've got a new entry for the Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame. From Rotoworld:

Stan Van Gundy revealed that Quentin Richardson has something "akin to a chemical burn" on his foot. Richardson was trying to treat an ankle injury with Icy Hot, but then dipped his foot in cold water which resulted in the burn. It's impossible to make something like that up, and Richardson probably should have read the directions on the back of the box.
Oh the sweet and wonderful fail of it all. Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.

Chris' Lacktion Report:

Heat-Hawks: In the Worst Triple Overtime Game In History, we managed to get lacktivity ANYWAY. Juwan Howard fouled once in 48 seconds for a +1 and a Mario, while Atlanta's Jason Collins got the same suck differential through the same method in 3:34, both earning 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhls.

Mavs-Spurs: Ike Diogu provided celebratory suckage for Coach Popovich, bricking once and adding on a turnover, foul, and rejection in 4:43 for a +4 and a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Bucks-Kings: As Keith Smart got to see his intellect proven right for at least one night, Travis Outlaw made the least of a 5 minute stint with a +1 via brick, while Isaiah Thomas had three seconds of Tanooki Suit time in a Super Mario!!

Lakers-Blazers: Troy Murphy countered two boards in 27:15 with three fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.


Blogger kazam92 said...
Clearly I was reverse jinxing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Spurs will finish with a top 4 seed in the West. They'll never go away, props to them.

Anonymous JJ said...
I think no team in NBA history is as bipolar as the current Hawks.

Blogger chris said...
Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "In the second half, they just took it to us. They shoved us under the basket. We didn't have much resistance, and they started driving right by us."

I just love how Skiles feels like "resistance" is something that just happens here, like it suddenly disappeared as soon as the Purple Paupers realized that Keith Smart was their new coach.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ivan the Turrible whats back to the D-League, this Hawks team is no different. At least in the D-League no one really cares if they bawful.

Blogger rtc254 said...
Charles saying how bad the game was to watch-

Blogger stephanie g said...
That wasn't the Miami cHeat last night. It was the Miami Raptors.

Anonymous John said...
The Lakers went 0-11 on 3's. By all means though, try a 30 footer on an ordinary possession.

Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
Raise the new banner! Mario West! Bismack Biyombo! Ostertag coming back! Griffin in Funny or Die! We'e got plenty of features!

We should do a poll for the new banner ending at the Bawful Null-Stars Game 2012.

What would you like to be in it?

WV: hypes (I swear): What is NOT happening in the Hornets arena

Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
Also, in the quest for bipolar teams:

Houston Rockets 2007-2008

Blogger tonious35 said...
There was one point Barkley was pounding to us last night in that terrible Hawks game:

No one in a Hawks uniform gave a shit, but only one wanted to win--> Ivan undrafted FA.

Anonymous BasketDane said...

Blogger Wormboy said...
Does Dirk play the wizard in a bad fantasy movie for kids? Just curious.

Blogger Will said...
The best part about watching the Heat-Hawks game was Barkley refuting every point Kermit Miller was making as he was making them.

Blogger Jason D said...
It wasn't Kobe's fault that the Lakers lost. It was the Rose Garden curse! Yes, everytime the Lakers play there, they look like the Generals. It must be some voodoo magic that's stopping them from winning.

It's also the ref's fault! Yea! Screw those guys!

...It definitely has nothing to do with Kobe going Kobe and forgetting about the team, making 0 three-pointers and forgetting about defense. Those things don't matter I tell you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
as a lakers fan, i kind of enjoy bawful write ups on the team...please don't ever stop...

Blogger Wormboy said...
Why is it that when I see pics of Wade, I think "hey, he seems like a nice guy," while when I see pics of Bron, I think "Dude looks like a cocky asshole?" Is it just something about their faces?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
ATTN: Atlanta Hawks have put in for a name change..... The organization has requested the new club name the Atlanta Dodos. Stern sent out a statement saying he sees no need to veto for basketball related reasons.

Anonymous JJ said...
Nash, you fool. Still repeating the same song and dance. =(

Anonymous Anonymous said...
And the Blazers decided to celebrate last night's win over the Lakers by getting blown out by the Suns.
Gerald Wallace's 1 point, 2 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks, 4 TOs, and 2 fouls deserves consideration for WOTN.

Blogger Wormboy said...
re: Atlanta. Indeed. That team is a testament to bad management. Some franchises are just like that. They get competitive guys, but they never get the right mix or play them the right way. Then there's the crippling Joe Johnson contract. Then there's Marvin Williams, a classic example of a guy who should have stayed another year in college: he gets drafted as a Freshman because he is sixth man on a championship squad. NBA execs always overvalue the 2nd tier players on championship squads. Or the first tier (I'm looking at you, Sean May). At least Ty Lawson is OK.

Blogger kazam92 said...
Might be the media Worm. When there's a story on Wade, it's usually a non basketball one like his fighting for custody of kids or giving his mom a church or his fashion sense. LeBron stories almost always tend to be basketball related and he's always seemingly defending his demons

Anonymous Silvio said...
Great new word: hawksy. The way I understand it:
Sports team that is not playing bawfully, but rather playing in boring, uninteresting and completely unappealing manner.

In Hawks example we also have:
Trying too hard which results in periodical physical and emotional drain, which in turn leads to inevitable meltdowns, in both important and unimportant games.
But I'm not sure is it just being Atlanta Hawks or it's integral part of hawksy definition.

Bottom line, faced with "be fan of a hawksy team or else ..." threat, one should always choose else part. I would rather risk tragic outcome (but with retaining some chances of coolness), than cheering for lame team and being constantly mocked about it.

Blogger kazam92 said...
The actual hawk is a badass exciting bird, so I don't think hawksy is a great new word. But it makes sense all the same

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Anonymous Silvio said...
When someone first time posted Dirk's Dramatic Reading here at basketbawful it had around 300 views. Few days later and it's at 116,232. Wow.

To footbawful.
Texans and Bengals, they're in playoffs, and they can't move chains at all. Out of first 300 yards, something like 200 came from penalties. And out of it, 90% penalty yards were against defenses. Well, that was like watching NBA.
Other game was OK, unlike first one, it was interesting and high scoring. Only tackling was footbawful, I never saw saw much missed tackles in important game.

Anonymous Wes Janson said...
Apparently Kwame Brown thinks that any success Andrew Bynum has had this season is the result of Bynum playing against Kwame in practices when Kwame was on the Lakers


Blogger Wormboy said...
@Kazam: You're probably right. The sports media does so much story shaping that it's pretty much impossible to sense the real athlete. All you get is the invented narrative. That's why actual sports can be so riveting--can you invent a more fascinating story arc than the real one LeBron lived last year? Creating himself as a goat actually didn't require any editorial content. All you needed to do was watch the Decision, the Miami pre-coronation, and then watch the playoffs. Or look at the basketball redemptions of Artest (excuse me, World Peace) and Shawn Marion. Truth is better than fiction.

@Wes: Sure, Bynum's lifting so much weight in practice was bound to improve his strength and conditioning!

Anonymous Ian said...
I guarantee you Marquis will be a far better pro than Jeff, he can be a competent starter and superb 6th man on a good team I guaranSHEED it.

Also that text exchange was like a girlfriend (Dan in this case) sending massive multi text messages to her un-committed boyfriend (Bawful) who replies with one word answers and often uses the same answer twice (e.g: AWESOME!). But still it made me laugh.

Anonymous Barry said...
Any news on Greg Ostertag in the D-League? I mean, there's got to be some mighty fine Bawful even when he's just being goofy and white around the training complex. Why is no one making a documentary about this?!