"I know you're the one droppin' ass, 'Bron. You're not even bein' subtle about it."
The Atlanta Hawks: From last night's BAD comments: A piece of prophecy from kazam92: "LeBron and Wade both out tonight. Mario Chalmers will end up on WOTN for something tomorrow. I guarantee it."
He was right. But not in the way he probably expected.
In what may have been the least compelling and most painful-on-the-eyes triple-overtime "thriller" ever, the Hawks lost at home to a Miami cHeat team that missing both Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.
The RuPaul of Big Men (33 points, 14 reboundsd, 5 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots) and -- yesyesmyfuckinggoditistrueohgod -- Mario Chalmers (29 points and 8 assists) killed their asses.
And the Boshtrich even went all Mr. Clutch on those Dirty Birds:
No, this is not a dream. No, I am not making this up.
Look at some of these shooting lines: Josh Smith (6-for-17), Marvin Williams (2-for-10), Joe Johnson (7-for-20 and 1-for-7 on threes), Jeff Teague (1-for-12)...and watching it happen was worse than reading the box scores. Bricks and airballs, including one terrible airball chuck down the stretch of the third OT. Thanks for that, Josh Smith.
This crap was so unwatchable that, had it gone one more overtime, I might be writing this post to you from the grave.
Now, for your reading pleasure, the text exchange I had with Dan B. about this festival of fail:
Charles Barkley, quote machine: From an anonymous reader: "Just watched the bawful Hawks Heat game. Charles said it best: (after Reggie said the loss was a black eye for the Hawks) 'I wish I could punch them in the other eye.'"
The Dallas Mavericks: Just how bad were the Mavericks last night? Here's how bad: the Manu Ginobili-less Spurs converted a miserable 39 percent of their field goals...
...and beat the Mavs by 22 points. That's bad.
It was that kind of night. Dallas shot 35 percent and went 1-for-19 from downtown...the worst three-point shooting performance in franchise history in a game with more than 10 attempts (thanks mikeyb). Cuban's Cowboys trailed by as many as 28 points and Matt Bonner (17 points on 6-for-10 shooting) thoroughly outplayed Dirk Nowitzki (6 points on 3-for-11 shooting). Hell, the entire Dallas starting lineup (24 points) barely outscored Bonner.
Said Bonner: "That was a Christmas miracle."
The Mavericks, for their part, blamed a schedule that had them playing their sixth game in eight nights.
Said Dirk: "Some of it is on us, but six games in eight days is a lot for anybody."
Added San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "You didn't see the real Dirk tonight, that's for sure. As the season wears on, all the teams will get into better shape and get sharper and look better."
You sure about that, Pop?
Continued Jason Terry: "We're a team that prides ourselves on getting stops defensively and making them pay on the offensive end, and that didn't happen tonight. Maybe when guys get their legs back, we'll start making shots at a higher percentage."
Ah. A season full of scheduling excuses. Good times.
And now, bonus bawful, courtesy of Dirk Nowitzki via an anonymous reader:
The Milwaukee Bucks: It looked like the Bucks had finally found a team they could beat on the road. I mean, the Kings were an awful, dysfunctional mess.
But then Paul Westfail got fired.
Said DeMarcus Cousins: "You just felt free out there. You didn't feel like you had like 30-pound bags on your back. You just felt free. It felt good to be out there."
Wow. That will not be used as a pull quote on Westfail's coaching resume.
Anyway, the Bucks were on absolute fire for a team that has nothing even remotely resembling an NBA offense. Milwaukee shot 51 percent as a team and broke the 100-point barrier, which is about as impossible as walking into the Olive Garden and finding a Unicorn having a dinner of baby back ribs with JFK dressed as Elvis. The Bucks even carved out a 21-point halftime lead...
Said Milwaukee coach Scott Skiles: "In the second half, they just took it to us. They shoved us under the basket. We didn't have much resistance, and they started driving right by us."
The Paupers outscored the Deer In The Headlines 66-42 in the second half, including 35-18 in the fourth quarter. And all I can say is if the Bucks can't win even when they're scoring points, WILL THEY EVER WIN?!
No, probably not.
And just to block the socks off your feet, here's video evidence that a Bucks-Kings game can actually produce at least one watchable play. But only one.
Los Angeles Lakers: You know, when I write these Worst of the Night posts, I only talk about the Lakers when they can be included in the "Worst" part. That...that doesn't seem fair somehow. So maybe I'll let this one slide on by.
Or maybe not.
The Lakers got big games out of Pau Gasol (19 points, 7-for-10, 7 rebounds), Andrew Bynum (21 points, 9-for-16, 12 boards) and Kobe Bryant (30 points, 13-for-24, 8 rebounds)...but they couldn't do anything with LaMarcus Aldridge (28 points, 11-for-20, 10 rebounds) or Gerald Wallace (31 points).
The Lakers seemed like they were in control until the third quarter. They were working the ball inside and taking advantage of the Bynum-Gasol combo. It looked like Portland couldn't do a damn thing about it. Then things turned around.
Wanna know when I think it started?
With 8:41 left in the third, Wallace drove straight into Kobe for an "And-1!" opportunity. Mamba not only got called for the foul, but he fell backwards onto his bad wrist. And you know how Kobe responds to personal affronts like that.
You can check the play-by-play. On the Lakers next possession, Kobe took a jumper, missed it, grabbed the offensive board, put it back in. The possession after that, he drilled a three. Missed a jumper on the next possession. Two possessions later, he launched and bricked (badly) a 30-footer. Next possession he was called for a three-second violation. About 20 seconds later, he missed another jumper.
Oh, and check out his All-NBA First Team Defense after his missed three:
By the time he kind of stopped gunning, L.A.'s offense was all sorts of out of whack. The Blazers would win that quarter 32-18 and never look back.
Stan Van Gundy revealed that Quentin Richardson has something "akin to a chemical burn" on his foot. Richardson was trying to treat an ankle injury with Icy Hot, but then dipped his foot in cold water which resulted in the burn. It's impossible to make something like that up, and Richardson probably should have read the directions on the back of the box.
Oh the sweet and wonderful fail of it all. Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.
Chris' Lacktion Report:
Heat-Hawks: In the Worst Triple Overtime Game In History, we managed to get lacktivity ANYWAY. Juwan Howard fouled once in 48 seconds for a +1 and a Mario, while Atlanta's Jason Collins got the same suck differential through the same method in 3:34, both earning 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhls.
Mavs-Spurs: Ike Diogu provided celebratory suckage for Coach Popovich, bricking once and adding on a turnover, foul, and rejection in 4:43 for a +4 and a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Bucks-Kings: As Keith Smart got to see his intellect proven right for at least one night, Travis Outlaw made the least of a 5 minute stint with a +1 via brick, while Isaiah Thomas had three seconds of Tanooki Suit time in a Super Mario!!
Lakers-Blazers: Troy Murphy countered two boards in 27:15 with three fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.