OK everyone, Basketbawful is a indisposed for a while, so I, Evil Ted, must subject you to my hijacking of the site again (don't be fooled by the "by" line above - it's me). Anyway, as I toddled around some of bawful's incomplete "draft" posts, I found this writing about our playing once again on the road in my old league. It is incomplete, but I have recovered and published what I can. It's kind of like the museum display of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Well, it's actually nothing like that at all, for the writings of bawful, even the incomplete ones, are much more sacred than anything else ever published (please send all religious hate mail to: P.O. Box Bite Me, Wilmington, Delaware).

So here's what I found:

"Well, Evil Ted and I returned to the scene of the crime last night: The All-Hackers Pickup League. Before we left work, ET told me: "Tonight, let's keep our mouths shut and just play the game." I laughed and replied: "Hey, I wasn't the one who went off last time." To which he said: "Okay, fine. I'll keep my mouth shut and play the game."

Stat curse.

I showed up about a half hour early to warm up and shoot around. I was feeling pretty good, light on my feet. And I suppose I should interject something here. Last winter, I suffered a bad foot injury in a pickup game. I limped around for a week or so before finally going to the doctor. He said it was most likely a strained or torn muscle on top of the foot...the kind of thing that couldn't really be treated. It would have to heal on its own over time. My first question: "Can I keep playing basketball?" He told me yes, that it probably wouldn't make the injury any worse. So I kept playing twice a week.

But I struggled. I wouldn't tell anybody about my injury because, frankly, when other pickup ballers play the injury card it feels like a cheap excuse.

Hubie Brown always likes to say that when a player can"

And this is where bawful's post ends, tragically cut short by either apathy, or dread that the post was going nowhere, or perhaps, just perhaps, the hope that this post would someday be discovered by a courageous band of men in search of a Holy Grail...

I issue this challenge to you, readers of Basketbawful. Complete the Hubie Brown sentence. Be serious, be funny, be creative, be annoying...be any of these things, but be interesting (update: kneejerknba has started you out with an outstanding example). And hell, if you can actually figure out what bawful was going to say for real, maybe you'll get a prize (but don't count on it).

All I can add to this is my perspective of the evening in question. After having complete gone super Evil Ted in the league on the previous visit, I felt compelled to be super nice and ultra courteous. Needless to say, my team lost all night. We were bad, I mean "lose to a drunken band of midgets" bad. There's something about being a nice guy and winning that doesn't seem to mesh well together (see Steve Nash's career). But don't worry, I am certain in the coming weeks, my concern for what others think of me will evaporate, and the evilness of Evil Ted will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes (but nothing like the Phoenix Suns - again see Steve Nash's career).

I shall be on a golf course all day, but upon return I shall post all of your fabulous entries. Don't disappoint me, you little bastards - oops, Evil Ted's little vacation is over, it appears.

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Blogger KNEE JERK NBA said...
Hubie Brown likes to say that when a player can kiss like Dick Bavetta and dance like Mark Cuban, he’s usually pretty good in bed.

Blogger  said...
random and unrelated:

Hawks GM Rick Sund, after signing Maurice Evans to a deal: "The only person who really shot 3s was Mike Bibby. This team last year hardly took any 3s. With Maurice, that should change a little."

He may be half right, they were 28th in 3PA last season, but doesn't this guy know that Joe Johnson is on his team? No wonder they're so screwed up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"If a player can hold down the paint in the NBA, he sure as hell can do so in the Olympics. Get Dunken on the phone, let's make this shit Goooolden!"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"If a player can hold down the paint in the L, then he sure as hell can do it in the Olympics. Get Duncan on the phone, we're making this shit goooolden!"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I got bored of searching the internet for the actual Hubie quote, but I love Hubie so here's what I think was what he was going to say.

"If a player can get out there on the court, he can't complain about being injured."

Now here's my version:

"If a player can grunt loudly and fall down with a very small amount of contact, he's either European, or on the Spurs. Or both. He may also be in a truck stop men's bathroom, making love."

Blogger BJ said...
"Hubie Brown always likes to say that when a player can switch hands while masturbating and gain a stroke, it's a sign of a great ball-handler."

Blogger Unknown said...
Some nice manlove from LeBron in the US-Turkey game:


Blogger sweetbabyjesus said...
Hubie Brown always likes to say that when a player can walk the walk he KNOWs he's walking the walk, you're Bawful, you KNOW you need to finish this sentence, but you are hungover and you also know that you need a sandwich.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I think that by now, Oklahoma City ____________ (fill the blank) should be called forever only by "Oklahoma City" with no surnames.

I can even see Kevin Durant in their season tickets campaign:


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hubie Brown likes to say that when a player can hump a hundred fans without being sued, he should definitely play for the Denver Nuggets.

Blogger PistonsGirl4Life said...
Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can make 4 Million dollars a year despite having absolutely NO talent just because Mike Jordan made a HUGE mistake like 8 years ago.... DIE JOE DIE DIE DIE..."

Wait, that was me....

Okay, okay maybe it was Hubie Brown likes to say "when a player can name all the capitols of Europe and the official food of each country you just know his wife loves him very much..."

Wait, that was Bill Walton.

I give up Evil Ted, this game is too hard.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Sure, the game requires a cup of creativity and a sprinkle of savvy, pistongirl, but that's what makes it great. I'm impressed. Keep it coming, people.

But just to show I can give as good as I get, I'll try:

Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can perform his own body cavity search, he can save a lot of time at airport security."

Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can skillfully operate a back loader, he can feel comfortable about having a fall back career when his knees give out on him. But if it's a bulldozer, the same rule does NOT apply. Any schlub can operate a bulldozer."

Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can French kiss a cheerleader while she's at center court and he's on the bench, that player will be very popular with the ladies, and never at a loss for a date on a Saturday night."

See? Piece of cake. Well, ok, I'll admit, that took a lot out of me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can get outplayed on by Kwarme Brown, he obviously should try another sport".

Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can stay happy getting getting only five shots a game, he should get along with Kobe's juuuuust fine".

Oh yeah, I hate Lakers. Can you tell?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Hubie Brown sez: When a player can average 11.8 points a game in the NBA, he can become the highest paid player in the Euro League.

Hubie Brown sez: When a player can get accused by his hot wife for faking injuries on court, he's usually on the Spurs.

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
"If I'm Phil Jackson, I tell Kobe to pretend he's in a Hooters in Colorado and get off early and often"

"Now with this guy distance is not a factor, he has a very long stroke that extends out to 35ft and beyond"

"Watch out now, he's hot... very hot. He's hitting it from anywhere, from the back, up and underneath, over the top.... you name it, he's hitting it from any position"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Haha all the contest are funny dude..
"Hubie Brown likes to say that "when a player can get outplayed on by Kwarme Brown, he obviously should try another sport".

Hubie seems to have lots of humor and cliches


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dunpizzle, i'm gonna alter your second one.

"Now with this guy, distance is not a factor. He has a very long stroke that extends out to 35ft and beyond into the bedroom."

"If I'm Lebron James, I continue shooting 30ft jumpshots. I don't want to get injured and ruin the season"

and now for one that actually fits

"When a player can shoot the spot up J, and make uncontested layups. He's a lock for about 8-12 points a game."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hubie Brown likes to say that when a player can learn to slip him some hard candy every now and then, he'll get some playing time.

Blogger m. Alana said...
Hubie Brown - when lubricated with a few strawberry-banana daiquiris - likes to say that you can, in fact, teach size. All you need is some unorthodox vitamin supplements, a lot of will power, and several pre-Industrial-Revolution devices legal only in Estonia and Myanmar.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
dunpizzle's 3rd quote just made Internet comedy gold, and renewed my membership to watching the NBA next season.

Blogger Walton's Wisdom said...
"When a player can shoot 50% from the floor, 85% from the line, and 40% from three, I will remind you of these facts at least 5 times per broadcast."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hubie Brown always likes to say that "when a player can walk 3 feet with a book over his head, I put him into my 12-man rotation and give him about 3-8 minutes of playing time."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
..."when a player is on a team, and that team has Kobe Bryant playing at the guard position, YOU KNOW, as that player, that you are going to get 7-10 fewer shot attempts per game than if you had a Chris Paul or a Steve Nash. AND THEN, if you do somehow receive a pass from Kobe, you MUST shoot a HIGH PERCENTAGE from the floor, or else your coach will call a time out and Kobe will turn you to stone with his medusa-stare. SO- WHAT YOU DO is, continue to pass the ball and do not take any shots that aren't uncontested layups or dunks, regardless of the shot clock. That is how it is done."

Blogger Mash said...
Hubie Brown always likes to say that when a player hates the game, only then can one hate on the player, and not the game.