Basketbawful

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

There's no denying the fact that we all have problems. Of course, some people's problems are worse than others. For instance, Kobe Bryant only has to worry about double-teaming defenses and the large piles of hundred-dollar bills that are blocking the doorways in his giant mansion. Greg Ostertag, on the other hand, has to work on memorizing difficult lines like "Would you like fries with that" and "You have to pre-pay at pumps 9 through 13" to prepare for his retirement from basketball.

The world is full of hardship. And, quite honestly, who better to save us from it than Kevin Federline? Regular visitors to this site might assume I'm just being sarcastic, but think about it. This white-trash loser started out as a back-up dancer for human suppository Justin Timberlake, yet he convinced the once-mega-hottie Britney Spears to marry him...while another woman was pregnent with his second child!! He then used wifey's money to jumpstart his rap career, and, according to the pre-nuptial agreement, he gets half of Britney's net worth should they ever split. So you can say whatever you want about the man, but he's going to have the last laugh. Probably from a bed full of porn stars.

Today, I've decided to tap into Kevin's genius to solve some of the NBA's greatest mysteries.

1. Can the Lakers win with Kobe shooting so much?

2. Is there any way Larry Brown can turn the Knicks' season around?

3. How would you keep an out-of-control player like Ron Artest in line? The dude is straight-up crazy.

4. Shaq is F-A-T fat!! How can I help him lose weight in time for the playoffs?

5. Nothing ever goes right for the Pacers! As a fan, all their bad luck is killing me. What can I do?!

What have we learned today? Absolutely nothing. Maybe Kevin was just joking around, or maybe he's an idiot savant and we'll never really understand his genius. Or maybe, just maybe, the answer was inside of us all along.

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