This photo of Karl Malone and Horace Grant kissing Luke Walton flat out disturbs me. Walton just looks way to goddamned happy about it.

Walton kiss
If this picture was any gayer, it would be sucking your cock right now.

Jesus tap dancing Christ! This picture looks like it came from some kind of "lockerroom rape" fetish site. Yet another example of how the Lakers ruined Karl Malone.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted Fred Jones to succeed. How could you not?

Indiana Jones was the first Pacer to win the slam dunk competition, succeeding where Terence Stansbury, Kenny Williams and Jonathan Bender (don't get me started) all failed? Make no mistake, this was a vital step towards the Pacers dispelling the unathletic "dirty chicken fighter" image they worked so hard to maintain thru the 90s.

I had high hopes for Fred last season. After Ron Artest went postal, the Pacers lineup full of more unfamiliar faces than Transformers: Season 4, and Jonesy had the keys to the General Lee. A breakout year was his for the taking.

Aside from some flashes (Fred was great at PG for a few games), Fred looked incredibly average last year. Freddy has a decent jumper, but is a bit undersized, which hurts on both ends. He can't shoot over most 2's, but can be shot over and posted up. And, despite being able to jump out of the building, he can't always get his own shot.

Fred Jones
Dead man dunking.

Bird and the boys already declined Jonesy's option for next season, his numbers after 12 games stink, and Sarunas Jas-a-can't-spell-it is looking like a dead-eye sparkplug that's breathing down his neck. The writing's on the wall Freddy: good money says you'll eventually end up in Atlanta, aka the land of misfit toys, where you and Al Harrington can live for personal stats and run things as the Pacers that should have been.
Kobe hump
We already know how Kobe feels about sex with teammates

1. If NBA games mysteriously lasted a full day (18 hours instead of 48 minutes), and NBA players were magically immune from injury or fatigue (instead of just Allen Iverson), Kobe would average almost exactly 666 shots per game.

2. Every turnover Kobe commits causes the value of the Yen to drop approximately .0001%

3. In a nutshell, The whole story about him being named after a Tokyo beefsteak is urban legend. It's much much more insidious than that. Kobe's name spelled backwords is Tnayrb Ebok, an anagram sounding a bit like "To Nay Reebok". Adidas (a branch of Reebok) is the company Kobe intentionally dragged through the mud with the whole "Colorado ain't just for skiing anymore" deal...which was, of course, a big misunderstanding. Then the genetic engineers at Nike welcomed their cleverly-named monstrosity with loving arms.

4. Contrary to popular belief, every time Kobe looks smug or cocky on camera, God does not kill a kitten. That's just crazy.
Remember back in the early 90s when NBA players like Dennis Rodman and Anthony Mason had catchy phrase like Cha-Ching carved into their 'fros? It was stupid then, and you'd think it would be tragically stupid now, wouldn't you?

Not Ron Artest. He had the "words" Tru Warier tastefully shaved into the back of his head. And if you were wondering, yes, that's the name of his record label.

Artest Hair
True Idiot.
Dirk Nowitzki isn't just a totally rad basketball player. He's doesn't just give you 25 PPG, 8 RPG, and 52 percent 3-point shooting. Check it: the dude plays guitar. God, he makes my nipples hard.

Dirk the stud
"Ich machte flezuersten ziebenhuffer, mein Herr."
Thanksgiving is a time to, well, give thanks for all the wonderful things you and your family have to eat. It's the true spirit of the holiday, and that's exactly what Abraham Lincoln died fighting the Nazis for. But for some families, Thanksgiving isn't a happy time. Case in point: The sad, sad story of Latrell Fontaine Sprewell.

Would you be thankful if your family was starving?

In happier, more innocent times, Sprewell was merely known as the zany, fun-loving guy who nearly choked his coach to death. But although Spree bravely and dramatically fought past this repression to sign a 100 million dollar contract, he later turned down an extension that would have paid him 10 million a year over three years. The reason - and you'd better grab a big pile of Keenex before reading any further - was simple, yet stupid: "I've got a family to feed," said Spree. And if that didn't move you to tears, then thank you for reading this blog, Bruce Willis.

Faster than you could say "Fuck you," Sprewell was out of the league and unemployed. Amazingly, no one wanted the combination of Latrell's 12 PPG, 41 percent shooting, mad people skills, and 14 million dollar price tag. But don't cry for Spree. The real victims here are his family. His hungry, starving family.

Turkey dinner 2
The Sprewells are going hungry, you selfish bastards.

This Thanksgiving, say a special prayer for the Sprewells.
A great exerpt from the book Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs:

Bird and Magic
Time to choose a side.

Perhaps it seems the Lakers and Celtics represent everything in life simply because they represent the psychological war between black and white, the only things just about everybody in America can seem to understand. Perhaps the only reason I worshiped Larry Bird was because he was a God I could create in my own image.

But part of me knows this was really about Pop-Tarts. And about
Oswald. And about voting for Bob Dole.

So this is how I have come to make every decision in life: I suss out the Celtics and Lakers dynamic in any given scenario, and then I go with Larry. I'm a Celtic Person; for me, life is simple. And just in case you're blind to the abundantly obvious, here are ten examples of how you can construct a green and white humanity:

What kind of car should I drive?
If you're a Laker Person, buy a two-door car, preferably something made in America. I'd go with a Camaro IROC or possible a Ford Probe. These are fast, domestic vehicles, just as the "Showtime" automaton was a sleek, streamlined machine that came from the streets of Michigan (Which is where Magic was raised). Meanwhile, Celtic People are four-door sedan owners. I lean towards the Chrysler LeBaron and the Chevy Cavalier, the veritable D.J. and Ainge of the automotive universe.

Who should I marry?
If you're a Celtic Person, you should try to marry the most beautiful woman willing to sleep with you. In all likelihood, you are not attractive, Celtic Fan. Your haircut is ridiculous. You need to marry the equivalent of a model, lest your kids will most certainly be repulsive. It is the Celtic Way to find that middle ground between the beautiful (the rotation on Bird's release) and the ugly (i.e. Kevin McHale's skeletal structure). If you are a Laker Person, you need to marry the most understanding, forward-thinking, unconventional female you can possibly find. This is because (A) you will only enjoy a creative relationship, and (B) you will undoubtedly cheat on her, and probably with a hooker.

What should I have for breakfast?
There's sort of a gut reaction to insist that Celtic People should eat pancakes and bacon while they read the newspaper, but nobody does that except lumberjacks and maybe Mark Cuban. A Celtic Person eats cereal, but nothing bland; Cap'n Crunch or Frosted Flakes are the best options, because the empty sugar represents M.L. Carr and the ample riboflavin represents Scott Wedman (i.e. something that is good for you, even though you have no idea what it does). Laker People consume Kellogg's Pop Tarts, which heat up in a hurry - a lot like Bob McAdoo.

Who should I believe killed JFK?
Laker People side with the conspiracy that implicates the military-industrial complex, although they also suspect this is why nobody turned on the air conditioners during game 5 at the Garden in 1984. Celtic People thing Oswald acted alone and without justification, just like Philadelphia 76er Andrew Toney.

What should be my favorite sexual position?
I don't want to get too graphic, but here's a hint: Look at the way Danny Ainge shot his jumper. Then look at the way Jamaal Wilkes shot his. Enough said.

What kind of drugs should I take?
Remember the first game of Magic's career, when Kareem hit a skyhook at the buzzer against the Clippers and Johnson hugged him like a grizzly? The only people I know who behave like that are usually on Ecstasy. Meanwhile, Celtic People smoke pot, just like the Chief.

David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
This is a tricky one, because Dave was the ultimate California boy and Sammy's heaviest solo record is titled "Standing Hampton" which I think is in New Hampshire (the Red Rocker also looks a bit like Bill Walton, sans headband). Yet upon further review, it's all too obvious: Celtic People are Roth People, because that's the original, definite incarnation of a classic stereotype. Laker People are Hagar People, because Sammy was in the band longer and ultimately sold more albums (just as L.A. ultimate won five titles to Boston's three, while Magic won 22 of his 37 head-to-head meetings with Bird). Hell, the Lakers weren't as cool, but they were better, you know?

Should capital punishment be legal?
Laker People say no, as Kareem is a human rights activist who would question the validity of any practice that essentially replicates the original crime. Celtic People say yes, because anybody who's ever looked into Larry Bird's eyes knows he's a killer.

Is Adam Sandler funny?

What socially irresponsible rap music should I support?
According to N.W.A., life ain't nothin' but bitches and money. And James Worthy (arrested fro soliciting a Texas prostitute in 1990) would undoubtedly agree. Therefore, Laker People dig Ice Cube. Celtic People go with Eminem, the only white guy who can keep up.

Larry Bird and Magic Johnson were actually raised with paradoxical pathologies: Magic's middle class suburban upbringing was a traditional white experience, while Bird's impoverished, screwed-up childhood (his father committed suicide when Larry was 19) was most stereotypically black. Ironically, both men successfully represent
people who have absolutely nothing to do with them.

You don't need to side with the Boston Celtics to be a good person. But you should definitely side with someone. Either you're with us or you're against us, and both of those options are better than living without a soul.
The Detroit Pistons bid for the best start in NBA history was derailed seven games early, thanks to the 37-point drubbing put on them by the Dallas Mavericks.

I understand why sports writers need to get all excited about things like an 8-0 start, considering the fact that there are fewer than 10 NBA fans left in the country (or about two or three more fans than the NHL has). But seriously, I told you guys last week that you were wrong, that there was no way the Pistons would win their first 15 or 16 games. And thankfully, they proved me right in the most extreme way possible: by getting absolutely obliterated. Thank you Pistons. You can truly be basketbawful.

Dirk Diggler
"Gershen flurken gepoopensiet!"
Miami Heat point guard Jason Williams was one of the first NBA players legally declared "retarded" by the world's leading Zoologists. But while it's obvious that he's an idiot, what has been less clear is why. Basketbawful research assistants have been working around the clock on this one, and we are proud to present our findings.

J-Will was kicked out of Florida University. Not too surprising, I know. But what is mildly shocking (although, at this point, it probably shouldn't be) is how he feels about his time at the U. A reporter recently asked him to reflect on his time as a Gator. This is what he had to say:

I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire.
This is why it's dangerous to give stupid people lots of money.

J Will - Idiot
Kids, this is what happens when you get kicked out of college.
Kevin Garnett is a certified basketball stud. The man's numbers are larger than your fat friend's eyes on All-You-Can-Eat Rib Night at the Sizzler: 21 PPG, 10 RPG, 6 APG. If you're looking for a guy to lead your fantasy team by filling up the box score, he is The Man. Just don't ask him to lead the Minnesota Timberwolves.

KG the man
"I do it all. Except lead my team in the playoffs. Peace out."

History shows that K.G. has done a much better job on the stat sheet than in the win-loss column. History also shows that The Kid hasn't shown any remorse for crippling the Wolves with two consequetive 100+ million dollar contracts. But he usually doesn't blame other people for the team's woes. Until now. Garnett isn’t happy with the direction his T-Wolves are taking, and you can't really blame him. But when you're trying to lead a team, you don't tell a sideline reporter on TNT that you have no respect for your general manager. Which is what Garnett did. Speaking of Kevin McHale, Garnett whined, "I think Kevin McHale, in his heart, wanted to coach. He wanted to coach, but he didn't want the responsibility of being a coach." What do I think? I think Garnett wants to be traded, but doesn’t want the responsibility of coming right out and saying it.

Woe is KG
"If I bitch enough, will they trade me?"
It looks like we'll get to enjoy another season-long ego-ectomy for Kobe Bryant.

Kobe egoectomy

Phil Jackson was supposed to change all this. Under the Zen Master's tutelage, Kobe was going to cast aside his selfish ways, rededicate himself to the team game, and finally learn how to make his teammates better.


The Lakers are 4-5 and looking up out of the basement of their own division at the Clippers. The Clippers!! Meanwhile, Kobe has been so focused on getting his teammates the ball that he's averaging 31.9 PPG on 28.7 shot attempts, while shooting a frigid 44 percent from the field (including 12.5 percent from beyond the arc). Oh, and his assists are down by two a game from last year.

Lakers basketball
There's only one set of prints on this ball.
The basketball media horde is on it's collective knees, happily deep-throating the Pistons. Now that they're 7-0, there's already talk about them possibly winning 70+ games, breaking the record for most consecutive wins to open the season (15), winning the NBA title, and turning all evil in the world into delicious candy.

Why do sports writers get so excited? Isn't there anything else to write about? Aren't there any new angles?

To me, this quick start by the Pistons is very reminiscent of the 1992-93 Portland Trailblazers. After losing in the finals the previous year (as did the Pistons), Portland won their first 8 games, which included a route of the Phoenix Suns, who would go on to win 62 games - most in the league that year. And I remember during that opening stretch everyone predicted that the 'Blazers were going to get over
the hump and win the title that year.

Instead, they lost 8 of their next 15 games, finished with 51 wins (third in their division behind Phoenix and Seattle), and got bounced by San Antonio in the first round.

The point? It's early people. There's plenty of time for the Pistons
to fall apart.

Edit: The Pistons bid for the best start ever was halted after eight games, thanks to a 37-point drubbing by the Dallas Mavericks. Yes, you read that correctly.
The dude drove 9 hours to Louisiana with his construction company, told the government to fuck off (they tried to stop him from working...for free), and cleaned up New Orleans. He is the man.

The Man
Karl Malone: the mother fucking man.
I think this quote is an indicator of the real reason Phil came back to coach L.A.
"He can become like a thumb that you need to suck when trouble's going on, and you just stick it back in your mouth. You don't want [his teammates] to do that with Kobe." -- Phil Jackson on Kobe Bryant

"I'll suck whatever you want. Sir."