Friday:

This is one poster nobody's buying

You can't spell Detroit without Kravtsov

Detroit: I knew there was no way I'd get through this season without having to type Vlacheslav Kravstov. I fucking knew it. Anybody wanna guess what the final score was in this game? I'll give you a hint: the Pistons were defeated in every statistical category sans offensive rebounds (all those bricks had to go somewhere).

Through guessing? Alright, I'll tell you. The Pacers won 114-82. It's a good thing the Pistons had Vlacheslav Kravtsov on their side, otherwise things could've gotten ugly. How ugly? Imagine the scene in the Karate Kid where Johnny and his skeleton gang are beating up Daniel. Now imagine that scene went on for 48 minutes, Bobby never said: "leave him alone, man; he's had enough", and Mr. Miyagi never showed up. Congratulations, you've just watched Friday's game between the Pacers and the Pistons.  

The Bobcats: Not even the lowly Bobcats could match the asskicking the Pistons took, but that doesn't mean they didn't try. Unlike the Pistons, who were beaten in all but one statistical category, the Bobcats actually bested their opponent in two statistical categories. That's the good news. The rest of the night played like a disaster movie; the Bulls had 30 more points, 24 more assists, and half as many turnovers. Kemba Walker scored 27 points but it was not enough to help the drowning cats, as no other feline scored more than 10.

The Spurs: Every once in a while, it's good to throw the Spurs into a WotN and I guess this is as good a time as any. After losing 6 games in a row, the Warriors are now on a winning streak. The game marked their first win over the Spurs since 2008. That's all well and good, but Jarrett Jack wasn't done with the record books. His 30 points and 10 assists off the bench made him the first reserve to reach those numbers since Magic Johnson in 1996.

Jack takes a celebratory crap in his new uniform
  
The Kings: The Zeke-Child dropped 30, DeMarcus Cousins had a 20/10 game, and Tyreke filled up the box score. So why did the Hawks win by 14? That might have something to do with the defensive end of the court, where the Kings only amassed 3 steals and 2 blocks and allowed their opponent to shoot over 50%. To put those 3 steals and 2 blocks in perspective, Jeff Teague had 3 blocks and 3 steals all by his lonesome.

The T-Pups: It's not often that a team has seven players score in double-digits, yet still loses by 16 points. Unfortunately for the Timberwolves, none of those players looked like a villain from Superman II, as Nikola Pekovic was banished to the Phantom Zone with 5 points and 2 rebounds. Meanwhile, the Thunder proved that you don't need parity when you have Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook combining for 64 points. 

The Suns: With Pierce limited to 8 points, Garnett resting, Rondo done for the season, and Ray Allen in Miami, it would've appeared on the surface like the Suns had a chance in this game. The final score of 113-88 indicates otherwise.

The Knicks: Friday's home loss to the Raptors was their 4th in a row. All of a sudden, they're looking up to the Pacers and hearing footsteps echoing their way towards the Garden from Brooklyn. Plus, their new technique of throwing tarantulas on opponents isn't getting the desired results.

Get em off me, get em off!
Lacktion:
Warriors-Spurs: Kent Bazemore contributed some of his magic of old in 26 seconds for a Mario.
Raptors-Knicks: Andrea Bargnani delivered some 27 year old, first pick in his draft lacktion with a +3 suck differential in 12 minutes and 52 seconds. 
Hawks-Kings: Dahntay Jones christened his new life with the Hawks with a 2 trillion.
Thunder-Pups: Chris Johnson became a trillionaire for Minnesota, while Daniel Orton matched his lack of production for the Thunder in an identical 1 minute and 11 second spurt. 

Saturday:

Kemba gets two for flinching
The Bobcats: They lost. Moving on...

The Magic: With their loss on Saturday to the Cavaliers, the Magic are now halfway to their third double-digit losing streak of the season. J.J. Redick had been playing some of the best basketball of his career this season, so of course he's been jettisoned. With the exceptions of Afflalo and Vucevic, there is nary a player on the Magic who would be playing 5 minutes a night on an actual team. Both of those players had mediocre games, so it's hardly surprising that the Magic couldn't keep up with Cleveland.

The Pistons: Wait a second. Didn't the Pacers just kick Detroit's ass the day before? Talk about Deja Vu. This time the beating took place in Auburn Hills, and while less severe, it was probably more traumatic for the losers with the whole 'friends and family watching' aspect.

Greg Monroe had 5 blocked attempts in this game, which is sad on its own but becomes downright tragic when you factor in that the Pacers only had 6 blocks as a team. Monroe narrowly avoided absorbing all of the opposing team's swats when Charlie Villanueva was blocked with 17 seconds left in the game. Considering that Villanueva was 1 for 11, that was probably the best thing he did for his team all night. 

Monroe was starving for Wilsonburgers

The game also featured Will Bynum trying to punch Tyler Hansbrough in the face, which due to their difference in height ended up with Hansbrough doubled over and clutching his stomach.

The Rockets: Losing to the Wizards ain't what it used to be, but the Rockets managed to do it in style, attempting 46 threes, the most of any team this year. Unfortunately for Houston, they only made 3 of them in the 4th.

The Wizards now have the services of a 34 year old Jason Collins. The frequent lacktion contributor was asked the secret to his longevity and replied with remarkable candor, "Twelve years of being able to foul people. The stats aren't pretty. I do what I do out there."

So I was wrong, he has been doing something lo these many years. 

The 76ers: I was about to skip this loss by the Sixers to the Heat, but then I realized that a 24 point loss is kind of a lot, even if nothing about it is unexpected. Dwyane Wade spat in a lot of cheesesteaks with his 33 points on nearly 80% shooting, LeBron threw in a triple-double as an afterthought, and the Heat overcame Chris Bosh's 1 measly rebound to demolish the home team.  

Fortunately for Philadelphia fans, Andrew Bynum recently announced that he has bought a penis pump and a digital camera, so his transformation into Greg Oden is almost complete.

The Jazz: David Stern's current least favorite team lost to the Clippers Saturday, which was essentially like losing to two LA teams at once since it allowed the Lakers to gain ground on them. Considering that they're not terribly good and also have the NBA working against them, things could be getting grim for the Jazz. On the bright side, it's probably not too late for Jazz fans to get their waffle makers.

On 2nd thought, it is too late

Lacktion:
Nuggets-Bobcats: The Nuggets did not require the services of Jordan Hamilton, +1 suck differential in 2:20, or Evan Fournier, a cool trillion, to beat the Bobcats.
Heat-76ers: James Jones went quietly into the night with a +1 suck differential in just over 4 minutes, while his Heat teammate Jarvis Varnado (who's named Jarvis) drove right up to the city limits of a 3 trillion before running out of gas. 
Wizards-Rockets: Garrett Temple was doomed to a 2 trillion. 

Sunday:

How could I not use this picture?

The Mavericks: Nowitzki had his best game this season, Carter and Brand had flashbacks to their youth, and Dwight Howard only scored 9 points. So what went wrong for the Mavericks? Well, that's a complicated question where myriad factors combined to render...wait. what the hell am I talking about? It was Mike James's fault.

All of it.

Mike James: It didn't stop there either. Mike James also caused the Bulls to lose by 30 points, Sacramento to continue being inept at defense, Memphis and Brooklyn to continue being inept at offense, the Suns to be the worst team in the West, and the 1931 flooding of the Yellow River that killed over a million people.

All in all, it was just another day at the office for the Amityville Scorer.

5 Comments:
Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
You know I took a break from basketbawful when Matt and Evil Ted stopped writing here?
It's been some time, but I like the blog again thanks to you, Glenn. The new banner looks great, and the posts are funny and entertaining, you pull out cracking details everywhere.
I can't wait for the playoffs and how you will point out the biggest fails. Thanks for it in advance, I hope you can make it :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm so sick of Derrick Fisher. Maybe I am a cynical bastard, but even when he left the Jazz on the basis of his daughter's medical situation, I smelled a rat (not that his daughter's situation wasn't serious, or that Fisher didn't care about it, but I could not help but feel he was manipulating the situation). Please somebody include him in a post.


Thanks in advance for your consideration!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I've been visiting this page since its early days. Nothing would mean more to me than a post on the bawfulness of D. Fisher. Please do not allow D Fisher's bawfulness to go without comment! Thanks!

Blogger Glenn said...
Thanks AdriĆ”, glad to have you back. I can't wait for the playoffs either. I'd hold my breath, but last year when I did that I passed out and hit my head on the kitchen counter.

You're right, Anonymous. I've been remiss in not mentioning Fisher. Not to worry, judging by his most recent stat line (0-4 in 20 minutes), I have a feeling we'll be hearing from him reeeeaal soon.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Glennstradamous!

Fisher against Nuggets: 0-2, one air-balled 3, 0 pts, 1 foul, 1 assist, -7 differential in 5 minutes of PT in a 2 pt loss!

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