Noah, shortly before being asked to leave

NBA Squaresville, USA: Joakim Noah was asked to leave the Bulls game against Chicago, because apparently he wasn't dressed appropriately. He returned later looking far dorkier.

Defense: I thought the Pacers and the Bulls were two of the best defensive teams in the league. So how did this game end with a score of 111-101? Indiana got the 10 point victory, and shot well over 50%. The win catapulted the Pacers into a tie with the Bulls atop of the Central division, and I use the word catapult loosely.

Perhaps a more accurate application for the word catapult could be used in describing Loul Deng's shooting stroke. Would a medieval contraption, mostly used for the angry hurling of boulders, be able to make more than 4 baskets in 18 attempts? If anybody wants to finance the experiment, I'd be more than happy to get scientific about this...   I guess in Deng's case, all the potential defense in the building must've somehow gravitated to his shooting hand. Carlos Boozer and Roy Hibbert felt some of the fallout too, while Nate Robinson remained immune to the very idea of defense with 19 points, 9 assists, and no turnovers.

A dorkier looking, sadder Joakim Noah

The Magic: Here's a riddle for you. What happens when an NBA team trots out the starting lineup of E'Twaun Moore, Ish Smith, Maurice "Yeah baby, I'm really still an NBA starter" Harkless, Josh McRoberts, and Nikola Vucevic? I'll give you some options: A) Jacque Vaughn misses the game because he's busy getting drunk at Houlihan's. B) The Magic come together and dig out a scrappy victory in Philadelphia. C) The Magic have the 2nd lowest point total of any team this season, while Vucevic grabs 14 rebounds. D) Rob Hennigan quits as the Magic GM, and embarks on his dream job as a hot air balloon pilot in the American Southwest.

If you answered—C) The Magic have the 2nd lowest point total of any team this season, while Vucevic grabs 14 rebounds—then congratulations. The Magic only made 1 three, shot only 8 free throws, and were under 35% from the field. I suppose that's not much of a surprise, not with the Magic missing Afflalo, Nelson, Redick, and Davis. It's almost as if they were in a secret contest with the Timberwolves to sit as many starters as possible.

With this loss the Magic became the only team in the NBA to have two double-digit losing streaks this season. 

In case you're curious, the lowest total of the season was the 58 points the Hawks scored against the Bulls in mid-January. Amazingly, this happened with Josh Smith, Al Horford, and Jeff Teague in the starting lineup. Granted the Bulls have the more vaunted defense, so perhaps the Magic should just be grateful that they weren't visiting the Windy City last night.

The Heat supporting cast: OK, let me get this straight. Dwyane Wade had a double-double, Chris Bosh scored 23 points, and LeBron was 31, 8, and 8 while shooting over 90% from the field; and yet, the Heat only beat the worst team in the league by 5 points?


What could account for that? Well, the rest of the team missed 2/3rds of their attempts and only scored 25 points. That might've had something to do with it. I'm not even going to bother giving the Bobcats a worst of the night, because they competed well and nobody got carried off on a stretcher.  

The Timberwolves: Did somebody order a stretcher? Pekovic and Shved are back, so that means Kirilenko had to go down. AK-47 left the game early with a quad injury. As an afterthought, the Timberwolves lost to the Blazers.

The Clippers: Speaking of weird secret pacts between teams, I'm beginning to suspect that the Clippers and the Lakers worked something out in the off-season. I don't know why the Lakers would agree to suck so dismally to start the season, but now that they've graduated to 'less terrible', the Clippers can't seem to get a win. The absence of Blake Griffin last night and the continued absence of Chris Paul is the more logical explanation, but if I remember my Occam's Razor correctly, then it's always the explanation you least suspect.

Whatever the cause of these recent troubles for the Clippers, last night it was the Wizards who benefited. Fans of the other, other LA team can take solace in one thing; Jamal Crawford easily won the battle of the unrelated Crawfords, outscoring Jordan Crawford by 25 points. It didn't hurt that Jordan only played 5 minutes and scored 3 points. According to Rotoworld, "he has bottomed out" and "can be dropped in most formats". He also, "frightens children" and "eats his own dandruff"... Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's someone else.

Pistons: The three games that the Pistons have played against the Knicks have all had something important in common; the Knicks have won all three of them. The worst beating came the last time the Pistons came to the Garden, a night in late November when Detroit lost by 21 points. The 14 points the Pistons lost by yesterday actually represents the closest they've come this season to beating the Knicks.

The J.R. Smith show: We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you an impromptu broadcast of the J.R. Smith show. Last night J.R. Smith tried to get in on a halftime game featuring school children, and in the process he reminded viewers what it felt like to be excluded in gym class.

It looks a lot stranger when the guy who's being excluded is clearly the best athlete out there. Mike Breen gets in a good burn when he suggests the kids won't give J.R. the ball because, "they know they're probably not gonna get it back". Judging by his last 3 games, in which J.R. has totaled 6 assists and shot OVER 13 THREES EACH GAME, Breen might just have a point. 

It's also possible the kids saw this:

Over at Posting and Toasting they've identified the man with mouth agape, sitting by Mike Woodson, as Purpletie Broman. There's been no word yet on whether that is the gentleman's real name or some sort of alias. We'll have to be sure to keep an eye on this Purpletie Broman and his amusing exploits in the future.

DeMarcus Cousins curious show of restraint machine, kinda: The NBA's resident Boogieman reportedly called a referee a "fucking female", not a fucking bitch mind you, but a "fucking female". That's maturity for you. These widely published reports are based off of lipreading, so judge for yourself.  

Knicks-Magic: Kim English contributed a +1 suck differential in 1:31 for the Pistons. For the Knicks, Ronnie Brewer and James White both played the same amount of time without leaving any meaningful statistics behind.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
just thought i'd thank you for keeping this blog going, even though readership seems to be way down. i had a couple laughs :)

Blogger Barry said...
I admit to lurking and not commenting a lot, but I always get a good laugh out of your posts.

That JR Smith airball was a beauty, Mike Woodson's face was priceless. Anyone think that the Knicks can overtake Miami for that 1 seed?

Blogger Wormboy said...
Enjoyed the post, keep up the good work!

Two edits:
1) "medieval" not "mid-evil"
2) Occam's Razor, also known as parsimony, argues that the simplest possible explanation is usually the right one. That is, you had it right the first time: Occam's Razor says that the Clips are sucking because Chris Paul is out, and that CP should be named this season's MVP. OK, the last bit may not be parsimony, but I'd argue it is. :)

Blogger Glenn said...
Thanks everyone, as long as you're laughing, I'm happy. Do I think the Knicks can overtake the Heat for the #1 seed? If by that you mean, is it possible...then yeah, why not. It's been such a bizarro season, and they have similar remaining schedules. The Heat also have a bigger bull's-eye on them; future opponents who've been knocked out of the playoffs will still get up to play the Heat. Do I think it's gonna happen? Not if I say it will, so no. Sorry, I'm a touch superstitious when it comes to sports.

Thanks for the edits, Wormboy. Although, in the case of what I wrote about Occam's Razor, I was feigning ignorance for comic effect. True, that's not the simplest explanation, but it's the one that makes me look better so I'm sticking to it.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Right on Glenn!

Jesus H. Christ, The Nets can't even beat a gutted Lakers squad? Howard and Whirled Peas are out, Gasol hurts his foot, yet the Lakers still prevail? That's right, the Nets are not relevant.