Faithful Basketbawful readers,
a source that shall go unnamed, we at Basketbawful have obtained a copy of the
transcript of the players only meeting of the Los Angeles Lakers after their
106-93 loss to the Memphis Grizzlies. We warn you, some of the language is coarse
and may be found offensive.
Hey does anyone know what this is about?
I don't know, Kobe just called a meeting as we were walking off the floor.
Great. Now we have to hear about how he isn't getting enough shots.
Quiet Quiet, here he comes.
Mikey, Mikey, for the last time, this is a players only meeting, now go to your
office and comb your mustache a few more times.
BUT WAIT, I...
Ummm...Didn’t I tell you guys that once Mamba enters the room, you are all to
stand and say "Praise the Almighty Mamba in all his glory"?
players stand to their feet): Praise the Almighty Mamba in all his glory...
Alright now everybody shut the hell up...Now so this doesn't get out of hand,
in order to say something, you must be holding this basketball. Once you're
done, pass it to someone else so that they can be allowed to speak.
(Under his breath) I guess that means no one else will be speaking.
What was that Pau?
Oh uhh, nothing...I was just saying my knees are creaking.
Oh ok. Well since I have the ball, I will go first......You guys suck. You
don't play defense, you don't rebound, and most importantly, you don't pass
Mamba the ball. I mean is it so hard, to pass Mamba the ball and get the hell
outta the way???
Glares around the room)
You there...The one with the dreads. What’s your name? Gordon? Gordon Gill?
Its Hill, Jordan Hill Sir.
Whatever. What’s your problem...You haven't grabbed a rebound or passed me the
ball in two weeks.
passes the ball to Hill at which he fumbles because he wasn't expecting it)
Uhh, Well Kobe, I...
Erm...I mean. Mamba, I'm out for the season with a hip injury. I just had
With all due respect Gordon...Fuck your hip. One time, my hip got dislocated in
the middle of a game. Did you know that? NO. You didn't know that because Mamba
popped that shit back in place and dropped 40 points all without crying about
in the media like a little BITCH...
bows his head in shame. A single tear rolls down his cheek)
Hey, Metta World Sissy. Can I please speak to Ron Artest? Is he in there?
Because I need crazy Artest to come back. I need you to elbow someone. Body
slam a ref. Drop kick a fan, SOMETHING.
Peace: But Mamba, David Stern told me if I step outta line again I'll be
washing dishes back in Queens faster than I can release my next shitty rap
Don't worry about that. I'll call him up and talk to him for you. Besides, he
owes me a favor for screwing up that Chris Paul trade last year. Just make sure
someone leaves the court seriously crippled the next time we play.
And speaking of crippled. Dwight, What the hell is wrong now? You left the game
in second quarter and didn't come back.
Mamba, It’s my shoulder. I planned on coming back but then on the way down the
tunnel I changed my mind. Then I sat at my locker for a few minutes and decided
to give it a try. But as I stood up, I felt that it would be best not risk it.
So after a while, I told the trainer I was ok and felt that my team needed me.
But then all of the sudden I got this feeling that I shouldn't go back out.
During the fourth I have finally made up my mind that a champion should just
push through the pain. But by then the game was already over.
Dwight, You've got to want to be great. Ever since you came here its "Ohh,
My shoulder hurts, Ohh, My spinal cord hurts." Yeah my shoulders and back
are sore too from carrying Shaq's fat ass to three championships.
Uh...I-I'd like to say something.
Did I give you permission to speak? Go fetch Mamba a Gatorade...And it better
be orange flavor.
shuffles off to the other room)
Stevie. I'm disappointed in you. D'Antoni is your coach. You promised me he
knew what he was doing. I expected you to shine under this system. So far the
only think that shines around here are your suits. You went from badass rock
star point guard to a slick up hairstyle having douche bag in one night.
It’s not my fault Mamba. I'm new here and I just want everyone to feel
comfortable. I try to spread the ball around but I can’t work miracles. The
other night we had Earl Clark getting major minutes...EARL CLARK. No offense
If D'Antoni screws this up, I'm holding you personally responsible. Until then,
no more shopping for you. You got enough shiny suits in your wardrobe to last
an entire Kings of Comedy tour.
sheepishly hands Kobe his orange Gatorade)
Here's your Gatorade sir. Did I do good Mamba?
takes a sip and immediately spits it all over Sacre's shoes. He then slaps him
across the face)
THIS IS WARM!!! Ya see, This is the shit I'm talking about. How can Mamba
expect to match Jordan's 6 rings when his teammates can't even think to make
sure the Gatorade is cold. You think Steve Kerr ever brought Jordan warm
scans the room again)
What say you, Big Bird. (pointing towards Gasol)
What do you mean? I've been playing out of position for almost three seasons
now. I'm a center and everyone keeps making me play power forward and shoot
long jumpers. I can't....
Ya see there...You just said "I can't". Mamba doesn't believe in
things like "can't", or "won't" or "I don't want to
sleep with you". You're Spanish. That means your ancestors were
Conquistadors. You should be raping and pillaging that area under the basket
known as the paint.
Ok, well that’s our time. It was a very productive meeting. Now everyone go to
the practice gym and work on various forms of passes you can make to me during
a game. Let’s see some creativity people.