The video comes to you courtesy of The Hoop Doctors.

Now...there are so many playoff previews out there. They can provide you with facts, figures and stats bursting out of body cavities stats never meant to be stuffed into. It can be overwhelming.

So you won't get that here.

I'm serving up heaping helpings of truth pie. Throw on a scoop of ice cream, heat it up in the microwave, and enjoy.

Pacers-Bulls: According to Danny Granger, this was Indy's preferred matchup. Because if you stop Derrick Rose, you stop the Bulls, right? And the Pacers are going to stop him. Yep. I'm sure that's how it's gonna go down. Bulls in 5.

Sixers-cHeat: The Sixers spent the entire season digging out of a 4-13 hole only to lose five of their last six games and earn a first round matchup with the cHeat. All that work for a first round sweep. It's kinda sad. cHeat in 4.

Knicks-Celtics: Last year, the Celtics staggered into the playoffs like their hearts had been ripped out Mola Ram-style. And the way they finished the season had a lot of people picking the then-Heat (now cHeat) to upset them in the first round. Instead, the Celtics rose from their stupor and took care of business. New York is gonna get the same treatment. Look, I don't care how many points the Knicks score...if you can't keep somebody from punching you in the face repeatedly, you're going to get knocked the hell out. No defense. No Celtics in 5.

Hawks-Magic: I almost want to give this series "Upset Special" status. But did you see how bummed out the Hawks looked over their last several games. It's like the reality of Joe Johnson's contract finally sunk in. Magic in 7.

Grizzlies-Spurs: Memphis tanked down the stretch so they could play the Spurs. They were obvious about it, too. And the popular thing to say about the Griz right now is "they can beat anybody." You know what, thought? They can also lose to anybody. And they will. Spurs in 6.

Hornets-Lakers: Could the Lakers have lucked into a better matchup? David West is out and Chris Paul is dragging around a dead leg. That's right: Choking down the stretch of the season actually helped them. Freakin' Lakers. L.A. in 4.

Frail Blazers-Mavericks: This season, the Mavs extended their streak of 50-win seasons to 11. And I predict that they will also extend their streak of first round exits to four out of the last five years. Blazers in 6.

Nuggets-Thunder: Oklahoma City has become the popular pick for "The Team Most Likely To Knock Off The Lakers." I'm not buying it. But I do think they're going to bring Denver's excellent post-'Melo run to a screeching halt. As the Rockets have shown us repeatedly over the past few years, a plucky spirit and can-do attitude will take a team only so far. In Denver's case, "only so far" is a first round playoff exit. Thunder in 6.


Anonymous Aaron said...
no von wafer's missing dunk-and-pose-and-runs-into-teammate?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Truth pie: aside from Sacramento where SCHONE and I were 19 and 15 games off, respectively, I predicted the Pacific Division's fail within 18 games (opposed to 32), despite my Suns homerism. I also think my 58 win guess for Chicago was the closest out of anyone anywhere.

Big ol' smuggo face to the haters, peace out.

Oh, my worst guesses were Philly going for 23 wins and the Nets for 42 inexplicably (18 off each whoops!). But 9 50 win teams is pretty insane, this was an Entertaining Season.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
So... shouldn't you heat up the pie FIRST, and THEN put the ice cream on? Or are you a "microwave the ice cream" guy?

Also: Dallas and Portland will be a good series, and I think Dallas will win because:

-The teams split 2-2 this season, all home wins. Dallas has home court.

-Dallas has much more playoff experience- especially the Dallas starters (see e.g. Dirk and Jason Kidd's resumes vs. Gerald Wallace and LaMarcus Aldridge's).

-Dallas has better half-court offensive sets. When the game slows down, they just go to Dirk.

-Dallas shoots the 3 better and more often (1768 3's for the season, 36.5%) than Portland (1503; 34.5%).

Blogger Wormboy said...
Matt, I only disagree with you on a couple.
1) Dude, you really think the Pacers are going to take one from the Bulls? I can't decide which kind of homer to accuse you of being: are you backing your Indy roots, or intentionally selling your Chitown roots short so as not to be called a homer? :) It's not Rose that will destroy the Pacers, but the Bulls #1 defense.My only niggling doubt is whether the Bulls truly know how to close a team out. As much as I want my man Psycho T to win, I don't think it's happening. Bulls in 4.

2) You really think the clowns in Miami play their first series without any stupid farts? Philly takes a game from Miami. Heat in 5.

2) Orlando-Atlanta: I've got a feeling that the Hawks will win this one in 7, and that THIS will be the first round upset (that's my "screw all the experts" pick). The counter-intuition: the NBA hates to let it's biggest stars exit in the first round, and it wants Dwight playing in the second round in a Florida series. Miami-Atlanta is no fun for ratings, right? So I bet Orlando gets serious officiating help later in the series, which makes it a toss-up. But I'm still going with Atlanta. Yes, they're deeply flawed. So is Orlando, who is less balanced than in previous seasons. Atlanta in 7.

3) I can't even call the Portland-Dallas series, but I expect it goes to 7. Yes, Dallas has a bad record in these situations, but they also have some intense veterans, and Dirk playing another superlative season. And this isn't as much of a matchup nightmare as in seasons past. Marion won't shut down Gerald Wallace, but he will slow him down. Dallas now has a more dynamic center for a change, rather than the "2 inch vertical" sleepy Erick Dampier. Dallas' biggest defensive liability is at PG, but Bradon Roy doesn't have the step he used to to make Kidd pay (sorry bud, I love my grad school alma mater, but you've lost it Roy). Does Portland have the psycho smaller defender that has thrown off Dirk in previous years? I don't see it, though kudos to Nate's once again brilliant coaching. I'm going for Dallas in 7.

PS LOL @ Anacondahl

Blogger Preveen said...
I'm guessing Baweful's favorite blooper is 4? How could it NOT be Ron Artest?

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
I vote Gortat getting elbowed in the junk and Ron Artest doing something Ron Artest-y as the best bloopers.

The first round series.. meh. The only interesting ones are Portland-Dallas and Denver-OKC. The Hawks and Magic might be tight but we all know those teams are going nowhere fast.

Blogger Ryan said...
No Rudy Gay, no chance.

Also, if the Bulls really want to they can easily sweep this series and hold Indy to under 80ppg.

Get it over with quick Bulls, and save that energy.

Blogger Unknown said...
For all the media talk about Dallas's early exits, no one is talking about how Portland has lost 5 straight first round appearances. They haven't won a series since 2000.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Woj RTs this column on Nash and Sarver (and Amare) calling it a "strong article" when it's really all trash except the end. Basically he calls out Sarver for not pulling a Joe Johnson deal for Amar'e, and somehow claims the "fact" that Suns were in the WCF with STAT and a lottery team without.

Uh, fuck you, and fuck Woj. The deal offered to STAT was fair, playing the "what if" game of Amar'e + Gortat is completely stupid, and the criticism should be put on how the money was spent afterwards (amazingly, Bill Simmons got this right).

As for the end, yes Nash should say something. He's earned the right after all his years. The other risks of the business and upcoming CBA uncertainties absolutely should have played a part in the decision, and Suns fans can further pray for a solid PF out of the draft, as I may puke if I ever see Jimmer in purple and orange.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Addendum: Woj is now cracking some good jokes on Clay Bennett leading the relocation committee, so atleast he has some positive points beyond breaking news.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
as I may puke if I ever see Jimmer in purple and orange

Most NBA people seem pretty low on the Jimmer. And after the Adam Morrison debacle, they fucking well should be. Of course some NBA GM will prove to me that they're an idiot by drafting him in the teens..

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Don't remind me of that, although at least the Maloofs are pissed that they're being upstaged by a championship sports owner.

Royalty coverage of all of this.

I'm hoping the deadline extension does nothing but help Burkle/Mayor KJ/Sactown.

Blogger Xscape said...
for bloopers it should include jeff green's dunk on his head too :

Blogger Dick Sullivan said...
Hey, Merriam Webster, an "x of y" situation is not a streak. Ergo, a loss would extend Dallas's streak of first round exits to two. In fact, it will double the streak. Thanks for the emasculating reconstruction of "streak," asshat.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
The Other Chris - You mean anyone with eyes? Who isn't a sexually repressed Mormon teenage girl?

NBADraft has him at 7 to Detroit, with Kemba Walker dropping to PHX. I can only fucking dream. DraftExpress has him at 16 to the Knicks *giggle*

Blogger stephanie g said...
82 games of foreplay finally come to an end. As long as LA loses I'll be in heaven.

Some NBA anti-awards, very basketbawful:

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Who isn't a sexually repressed Mormon teenage girl?

Isn't that a tautology? ;-)

NBADraft has him at 7 to Detroit, with Kemba Walker dropping to PHX.

Joe Dumars completely lost his shit about five years ago. Would this surprise anyone? Maybe he'll bring Starbury back from China!!

Also I could ridicule my Pistons' fan buddy for years. Darko Part Deux!!

DraftExpress has him at 16 to the Knicks *giggle*

I think I speak for all the readers of Basketbawful when I say this is a dream scenario.

"Hey, so we gutted our team to acquire a 'superstar' who doesn't play defense or make his team better. Obviously, the savvy move at this point is to spend our first-round pick - which we desperately need to use wisely, since we're already practically capped out on two guys - on a short, slow, unathletic Mormon who wouldn't know defense if it kicked him off the team for drinking caffeine."

Blogger Scott said...
#1 blooper of the year:

Blogger stephanie g said...
What about when Nate tried to jump on Pierce's shoulders and instead face planted while Pierce ran around in circles completely oblivious?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
... Another blooper - von Wafer's miss ..

Anonymous kazam92 said...
I can't believe I had forgotten that Big Baby fail.

Anonymous Nick said...
Can't believe no one posted this yet:

Basket didn't count btw!

Is it just me or do the Celtics show up almost every second blooper reel?
I am really worried!

Blogger Wormboy said...
For stephanie: Nate trying to replicate his Big Baby move with a guy who's a little cooler.

Check out Jesus' "wha...?" look in the background.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I predict the Blazers, the far bigger playoff losers than the Mavs, to fail to reach the second round for the 11th straight year.

Blogger tjr said...
My one draft rule: Don't ever draft anyone with a stupid name, unless you have to.

Fredette falls into this category.

While we're mentioning drafts, there's been a big movement for Kahn to trade Ricky Rubio to The Clippers and in return get back Minny's 2012 Pick (Which knowing both will be a top 10 anyway). Sounds too good to be true, this is Kahn.
But if the wolves get the top pick Kyrie Irving surely has to go no.1 doesn't he?

Phoenix should continue their tradition of signing the less talented of two brothers and go with Markieff Morris.
Although this may be in direct violation of my rule.

Blogger bullzag said...
Anonymous...thank you. As a Blazer fan I've been waiting for someone to predict them NOT to make it past the 1st round. Too much bad karma.

I'm also surprised nobody predicted a 'Frail' Blazer injury in the first round. Anybody? Buehler?

Blogger Wormboy said...
You know, I keep thinking about my prediction that Atlanta beats Orlando in 7. But I just can't believe it.

In preparation for the playoffs, let's play the video that David Stern should watch every April 15th: