Ahhh!! Okay, who let Chuck use the hot tub time machine???
Special thanks to Chris for taking care of the Friday game previews for me again. (I've added my own commentary on a couple of them, but it still saved me a lot of work.)

Want to start your weekend off right? Read this ridiculous article. An Orlando columnist tries to convince us that the Pumaman is having an MVP season. You know, despite the fact that the Magic are prone to underperforming, he's never put the team on his back and carried them, he can't consistently score in the post, and his blocks aren't really that effective at measuring his overall contribution to the game. Look, it may sound like I'm a Dwight Howard hater. I'm not. I like the guy. I just feel disappointed by him. He's got the potential to be so much better, but doesn't seem to have the right mentality for it.

In other news, the Pistons have banned Nike Hyperize sneakers. I'm sure this will turn that team right around.

Also, here's a quality article from Bomani Jones explaining why we need Hasheem Thabeet to stay in the NBA: he's got the potential to be posterized more than Ostertag!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Is Carmelo coming on to me, or plotting my murder? I honestly can't tell. Either way, I'm scared.

Kendrick Perkins: Ball-humping Machine

Stephen Curry shows us an example of Don Nelson's patented _efense

I feel sorry for this kid. I really do.
(Thanks again to Chris for covering the Friday games)
Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Mavericks at Hawks: If the Mavs win again, will Dirk be asked by the post-game crew once more to profess his adoration of Jay-Z and Beyonce!?

Magic at Hornets: So the Hornets have won 3 of 4 against the alchemists...but they're lacking CP3, so pretty much this one comes down to whether Pumaman can dominate in the paint and whether Orlando's unconscionable shots beyond the arc will swish in.

All The Other Friday Games:
Knicks at Wizards Generals Bullets: Hey everybody, the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1971 NBA Leastern Conference Finals!! Just like old times! Well, except that the Bullets no longer play in Maryland, and, um...yeah. (And this sounds like the Basketbawful Game Of The Night by default.)

Crabs at Raptors: After pinching the Celtics so hard that KG was forced to press the *word that KG utters on national television*-ing LifeAlert button for emergency oxygen, they will be facing the Dinos, who may be without Chris "Future Teammate Of King Crab" Bosh tonight. Considering that Toronto has lost 14 of their last 17 against the crustaceans, tonight could be a tough shell to crack...
[Dan B.:Cleveland, you sent down Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson. You are dead to me.]
[Chris: LATE BREAKING UPDATE FROM AN ANONYMOUS COMMENTER:

Good news. The Cleveland Plain-Dealer is reporting that Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson has been recalled by the Cavs. Lacktion for everybody!

So that means that Darnell needs less seasoning in the D than Hasheem!!!!]

Frail Blazers at Bulls: At this point, it won't be surprising if the postgame headline starts off with "Portland Big Man Visits Doctor."

Timberwolves at Thunder: Oklahoma City's most recent win was against the Timberpoops, but they barely squeaked by in that match by a field goal. Will they get clotheslined in this potential trap game?

Bobcats at Grizzlies: Hey, remember when Z-Bo was being called "MVP candidate?" I won't say that he has earned his way back into the Bawful Banner, but...maybe Hasheem Thabeet deserves memorialization.

Spurs at Rockets: Looks like Discount Store has led the Rockets straight into a clearance sale, with the Spurs likely more than happy to continue to pick up half-price victories against Clutch the Bear's overworked sales associates.

Pistons at Nuggets: Mr. Big Shot gets to wave hello to a facepalming Joe Dumars again. What's not to like about that mental imagery?

Clippers at Suns: Anyone recall when this was a playoff matchup in the not-too-distant past?
[Dan B.: I'm tempted to go re-read Seven Seconds or Less now...]

Jazz at Kings: The Purple Paupers don't exactly have a home-barn advantage, and are about as deep in talent as a child's sippy cup, so all that's left to ponder is whether this will be a "loss that isn't as bad as others" or "the precursor to another funny animated Hawes-and-Pauly W video."

76ers at Lakers: The last time this was truly a matchup worth watching, one of the Sixers was busy getting having Electronic Arts pair him with Larry Legend for virtual one-on-one...


* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Rockets at Jazz: I almost got excited about this game, but then I remembered that the Rockets are a shadow of their former selves. So, when's Yao going to be healthy again? (Yeah, that was a trick question. Just making sure you're paying attention.)

All The Other Saturday Games:
at Celtics: While the Nyets are a season-long tragicomedy, the Celtics have given me zero reason to be confident about this game. I'm just going to check the box score for this one the next day.

Bucks at Heat: So, anyone else curious to see if Brandon Jennings manages to continue his downhill shooting performance and averages under 30% from the field sometime this season for an entire month?

Bulls at Pacers: Wow, this is a bad game.

Grizzlies at Knicks: ...and so is this one.

Frail Blazers at Timberwolves: What the hell? This is an awful game too.

Pistons at Warriors: David Stern, you are a sick man for allowing so many horrendous games in one day. (Okay, let me clarify. Two, three, or even four of these games could be close, but that doesn't make them good.)

Anyway, four-way tie for Basketbawful Game of the Night. I'm pretty certain that's our new record! Woohoo!


* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Suns at Spurs: The Spurs are old, and the Suns don't play defense. This game balances out pretty well. Good times. (Too bad I'll be busy watching the US Open because I'm one of the twenty eight diehard bowling fans left.)

Nuggets at Lakers: After previewing all of those awful games just above this, I had to do a double-take when I saw a matchup between two high quality teams. Bizarro NBA, anyone?

Heat at Magic: I am nervously shaking my leg right now. I simply cannot wait for Monday morning to see the latest batch of hilarious Stan Van Gundy pictures! (Oh yeah, and there's a basketball game going on too. That's kind of interesting.)

Hornets at Mavericks: Yes, the Mavs have been red hot lately. However, what will happen now that Caron Butler can't chew straws on the sideline?!?!

All The Other Sunday Games:
Bucks at Hawks: Still can't figure out this Hawks team. Beat the Jazz on the road, but get held to 80 points by the Suns' defense? That's just unfathomable.

Wizards Generals Bullets at : Could we see a repeat of the last game between these two? Botched inbounds passes, turnovers, bricked shots, and an exciting game-winner by a comparative midget?

Raptors at Thunder: The prospect of Kevin Durant playing against the Raptors' _efense always makes me giddy.

Clippers at Kings: It's the battle of (2/3rds of the) sucky California teams!

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Charles Barkley, Dwight Howard