ANOTHER Hot Tub Time Machine reference??
Ahhh!! Okay, who let Chuck use the hot tub time machine???

Special thanks to Chris for taking care of the Friday game previews for me again. (I've added my own commentary on a couple of them, but it still saved me a lot of work.)

Want to start your weekend off right? Read this ridiculous article. An Orlando columnist tries to convince us that the Pumaman is having an MVP season. You know, despite the fact that the Magic are prone to underperforming, he's never put the team on his back and carried them, he can't consistently score in the post, and his blocks aren't really that effective at measuring his overall contribution to the game. Look, it may sound like I'm a Dwight Howard hater. I'm not. I like the guy. I just feel disappointed by him. He's got the potential to be so much better, but doesn't seem to have the right mentality for it.

In other news, the Pistons have banned Nike Hyperize sneakers. I'm sure this will turn that team right around.

Also, here's a quality article from Bomani Jones explaining why we need Hasheem Thabeet to stay in the NBA: he's got the potential to be posterized more than Ostertag!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Damn, Melo.
Is Carmelo coming on to me, or plotting my murder? I honestly can't tell. Either way, I'm scared.

Kendrick Perkins: Ball-humping Machine

Defense? What?
Stephen Curry shows us an example of Don Nelson's patented _efense

Poor bastard
I feel sorry for this kid. I really do.

(Thanks again to Chris for covering the Friday games)
Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Mavericks at Hawks: If the Mavs win again, will Dirk be asked by the post-game crew once more to profess his adoration of Jay-Z and Beyonce!?

Magic at Hornets: So the Hornets have won 3 of 4 against the alchemists...but they're lacking CP3, so pretty much this one comes down to whether Pumaman can dominate in the paint and whether Orlando's unconscionable shots beyond the arc will swish in.

All The Other Friday Games:
Knicks at Wizards Generals Bullets: Hey everybody, the highly unanticipated rematch of the 1971 NBA Leastern Conference Finals!! Just like old times! Well, except that the Bullets no longer play in Maryland, and, um...yeah. (And this sounds like the Basketbawful Game Of The Night by default.)

Crabs at Raptors: After pinching the Celtics so hard that KG was forced to press the *word that KG utters on national television*-ing LifeAlert button for emergency oxygen, they will be facing the Dinos, who may be without Chris "Future Teammate Of King Crab" Bosh tonight. Considering that Toronto has lost 14 of their last 17 against the crustaceans, tonight could be a tough shell to crack...
[Dan B.:Cleveland, you sent down Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson. You are dead to me.]

Good news. The Cleveland Plain-Dealer is reporting that Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson has been recalled by the Cavs. Lacktion for everybody!

So that means that Darnell needs less seasoning in the D than Hasheem!!!!]

Frail Blazers at Bulls: At this point, it won't be surprising if the postgame headline starts off with "Portland Big Man Visits Doctor."

Timberwolves at Thunder: Oklahoma City's most recent win was against the Timberpoops, but they barely squeaked by in that match by a field goal. Will they get clotheslined in this potential trap game?

Bobcats at Grizzlies: Hey, remember when Z-Bo was being called "MVP candidate?" I won't say that he has earned his way back into the Bawful Banner, but...maybe Hasheem Thabeet deserves memorialization.

Spurs at Rockets: Looks like Discount Store has led the Rockets straight into a clearance sale, with the Spurs likely more than happy to continue to pick up half-price victories against Clutch the Bear's overworked sales associates.

Pistons at Nuggets: Mr. Big Shot gets to wave hello to a facepalming Joe Dumars again. What's not to like about that mental imagery?

Clippers at Suns: Anyone recall when this was a playoff matchup in the not-too-distant past?
[Dan B.: I'm tempted to go re-read Seven Seconds or Less now...]

Jazz at Kings: The Purple Paupers don't exactly have a home-barn advantage, and are about as deep in talent as a child's sippy cup, so all that's left to ponder is whether this will be a "loss that isn't as bad as others" or "the precursor to another funny animated Hawes-and-Pauly W video."

76ers at Lakers: The last time this was truly a matchup worth watching, one of the Sixers was busy getting having Electronic Arts pair him with Larry Legend for virtual one-on-one...

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Rockets at Jazz: I almost got excited about this game, but then I remembered that the Rockets are a shadow of their former selves. So, when's Yao going to be healthy again? (Yeah, that was a trick question. Just making sure you're paying attention.)

All The Other Saturday Games:
at Celtics: While the Nyets are a season-long tragicomedy, the Celtics have given me zero reason to be confident about this game. I'm just going to check the box score for this one the next day.

Bucks at Heat: So, anyone else curious to see if Brandon Jennings manages to continue his downhill shooting performance and averages under 30% from the field sometime this season for an entire month?

Bulls at Pacers: Wow, this is a bad game.

Grizzlies at Knicks: ...and so is this one.

Frail Blazers at Timberwolves: What the hell? This is an awful game too.

Pistons at Warriors: David Stern, you are a sick man for allowing so many horrendous games in one day. (Okay, let me clarify. Two, three, or even four of these games could be close, but that doesn't make them good.)

Anyway, four-way tie for Basketbawful Game of the Night. I'm pretty certain that's our new record! Woohoo!

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Suns at Spurs: The Spurs are old, and the Suns don't play defense. This game balances out pretty well. Good times. (Too bad I'll be busy watching the US Open because I'm one of the twenty eight diehard bowling fans left.)

Nuggets at Lakers: After previewing all of those awful games just above this, I had to do a double-take when I saw a matchup between two high quality teams. Bizarro NBA, anyone?

Heat at Magic: I am nervously shaking my leg right now. I simply cannot wait for Monday morning to see the latest batch of hilarious Stan Van Gundy pictures! (Oh yeah, and there's a basketball game going on too. That's kind of interesting.)

Hornets at Mavericks: Yes, the Mavs have been red hot lately. However, what will happen now that Caron Butler can't chew straws on the sideline?!?!

All The Other Sunday Games:
Bucks at Hawks: Still can't figure out this Hawks team. Beat the Jazz on the road, but get held to 80 points by the Suns' defense? That's just unfathomable.

Wizards Generals Bullets at : Could we see a repeat of the last game between these two? Botched inbounds passes, turnovers, bricked shots, and an exciting game-winner by a comparative midget?

Raptors at Thunder: The prospect of Kevin Durant playing against the Raptors' _efense always makes me giddy.

Clippers at Kings: It's the battle of (2/3rds of the) sucky California teams!

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Anonymous kazam92 said...
Yeah I saw that ludicrous article on Simmons twitter feed. Everything he said Dwight does warrants Defensive MVP (player of the year. same shit) not the actual MVP. That's laughable. I will credit Dwight for actually getting his scoring up in 2010 but he needs to put together a 23-14-3.5 season along with 55 wins for MVP talk

Anonymous ZaneK said...
Don't be surprised if Phoenix blows this one, just when you think they are getting it they'll do something bawful.

Oh and lock up J-Rich for a a worse of the night, here is a quote from Clippers-Suns preview:

Suns guard Jason Richardson looks for his fourth consecutive 20-plus point outing after scoring 24 on Wednesday. Phoenix has won nine straight when he has scored at least 20.

"You know what Steve's going to do, what Amare's going to do, throw me in there and we're pretty deadly,"

Just a hunch...

Blogger chris said...
That new Nyets facepalm logo is hypnotic!

Blogger Jon-Michael said...
Not to start the Howard vs Shaq flame war, but Dwight is the most dominant center in an era where the NBA is really thin at the position.

For example Dwight has never averaged more than 20 points a game in his 6 year career. His rebounding numbers are similar to Shaq his first 6 years

Shaq was a 20-10 guy his rookie year, and steadily increased every year he was in the league up to 2000, and he he did it when David Robinson, Hakeem Olajuwon, Patrick Ewing, Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo were up and coming or in their prime.

Dwight Howard's career stats:

Shaquille O'Neal's career stats:

The numbers speak for themselves. I like Dwight Howard, but it's not hard to stand out in a crowd when Yao Ming, Andrew Bogut and Amar'e Stoudemire are considered top centers.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Good news. The Cleveland Plain-Dealer is reporting that Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson has been recalled by the Cavs. Lacktion for everybody!

Blogger chris said...
Fun fact:

The Kings have not won at home in the last 30 days.


Blogger chris said...
Fear and loathing in the River City, continued - a commenter at Royalty SO desperate, that the idea of bringing Thabeet here as a "defensive presence" is even considered!!! Ouch.

Blogger Ash said...
Hasheem Thabeet leads the Association in blocks per minute.

Get him out there!! :)

Blogger chris said...
So Elton Brand is washed up after receiving that Koncak in 2008. Not news.

But then he says this about Iverson:

“He made guys want to play hard,” Brand said. “He wasn’t late for a meeting or late for a practice. All the [past] stuff you heard wasn’t him here. But I don’t expect him to come back.”

Okay, next you'll tell me that Oliver Miller runs a health club.

This is mind-boggling.

Anonymous NarSARSsist said...
Dan B - How's your 2K10 career going? I just fixed my computer, so I played my first game (as a 5'10" point guard) in the league (Laker season opener against the Clippers). My career began with a thud as I bricked a contested layup, and after making the next one, my third layup was blocked by Chris "Why the f*** is Gasol an All-Star and I'm not?" Kaman. Fortunately, I bounced back, and ended up with 20 points, 8 assists, one rebound, and one steal in 15 minutes of play.

The final score was a bit ridiculous though, 146-103 (though, really, I guess it's not shocking considering it's the Clips). I'm thinking I probably need to switch to 8 minute quarters instead of 10. What do you use?

The Lakers signed Bruce Lee--Bowen in my game, and hilariously, he's a really effective scorer.

Anonymous DKH said...
Darnell Jackson notes here:

Awesome that he scored 34 points and had 12 rebounds in his one game. Cedric Jackson filled the scoreboard there, too.

Blogger Ash said...
Darnell isn't on the Cavs roster tonight, but Cedric is. Come on one of you guys, pull through for us!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Haha, yessss. I think we found a second thing to do every time the Nets are in a post.

In other news, the Mario West watch is on, who just pulled 0.5 seconds before the half for a possible Super Mario Galaxy!

Blogger Dan B. said...
NarSARSist -- Check my update from a week or so ago. I've only played like three games since then. I've been extremely busy, and I actually am going out of town in a couple weeks.

Blogger Unknown said...
Jason Kidd just got into it a bit with...Mike Woodson??

He was bringing the ball up court and the Mavs seemed poised to call a timeout, but instead of just dribbling to that usual spot, he went over toward the sideline (where Woodson was admittedly on the court when he shouldn't have been) and gave the coach a bit of a forearm shiver like he was in the way. Pushing and manly taunts ensued.

This was a playoff atmosphere -- big crowd, back-and-forth game after a Mavs ran late in the fourth -- but I'm not sure elbowing a coach is the right call regardless, _ason.

Blogger Unknown said...
How can you tell the spurs are on the downslope? 3/5 of their starters did not score, scored zero points, did not put the ball in the basket in any shape, fashion or form against the Rockets.

Blogger LotharBot said...
39 minutes, 0-8 shooting for 0 points, 1 board, 3 assists, 2 steals, 4 turnovers, 4 fouls.

That's a pretty bad line (8:1 Voskuhl). What's most impressive is that it's the COMBINED stats for 3 Spurs starters: Finley, Bogans, and Dice.

Is there a "combined lacktion" award for cooperative suckitude? I mean, that's some Jersey-like suckitude.

Blogger chris said...
Looks like the Purple Paupers just turned down the volume on the Jazz, thanks to...WHAT?! 15 POINTS BY HAWES, WHO GIVES PAULY W A BIG HUG AFTER THE GAME!!??! HUH?

...oh, and that Tyreke fellow, too.

Blogger Will said...
Anaconda HL- Yahoo doesn't credit Mario with entering the game and ESPN says he played 0 min.
How does Keith Bogans get a steal and assist to avoid a huge +10?

Blogger chris said...
Will:'s boxscore right now for Hawks-Mavs is acting up and showing Mario West with no time accrued.

HOWEVER, the Play by Play link there clearly shows that he appeared for that brief half-second to close the first half (substituting for former purple pauper Mike Bibby), and never returned to the floor - a classic mid-game SUPER MARIO GALAXY!!!!!

This is even more incredible and bawesome when you consider that this game went into overtime.

Amazingly, I think this may be the first Super Mario Galaxy of Mario West's career. According to AnacondaHL's writeup on the overalled lacktion visionary, he only accrued three Super Marios last season.

We'd have to verify that through another perusal of basketball-reference, especially seeing if we missed any sub-1 second stints from his other years in the Association...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Jason Kidd was awesome.
Mavs won on the road.
19 points, 17 assists, 16 rebounds and a couple of steals.
And of course, he "forced" the refs to call a tech on Woodson who arguably cost Atlanta the game.
Yes, it was cheap, but very clever. I never thought somebody actually used the rules to his advantage.

Anonymous Stotts Era said...
i just came over to report mario west's .5 seconds played. being reported on espn's box but not yahoo...well all saw it with my own eyes. didnt think there was already a name for it though

Blogger JerryT said...
as for the shoes ban, not mentioning the name, so i don't look like a merchandiser: i NEVER played in shoes that support the ankle that well. forget about the weight, if you lace the shoe properly it really holds your ankle together... oh wait... did i find the REAL problem? "Big Company with name starting with letter N" please make a special Piston edition shoe of that type: with some easier lacing system, like straps for example!

Anonymous Brian said...
DeShawn Stevenson receives the ego-ectomy.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Oh no...

Nets won...

Over the a lot...

Anonymous OneZero said...
one heck of a bawful celtic related material is comin up

they just got beaten bawfully by the bawfulest team in the league, at home!

total basketbawful!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm sorry, but any team beaten by the Nyets on the road is DONE as a contender.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: UGH. Boston's not allowing history to repeat itself, and I am disappointed beyond belief. :(

Anonymous Czernobog said...
So does this mean the Nyets won't be setting a new record?

Damn the Celts. Damn them to hell. I wish upon them the suckitude of the clippers for at least a decade.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hahahahahahahahaha, I know my Heat just flat out suck, but this is funny man, at home, to the Nets, in a relative blowout? Wow...

Anonymous Brian said...
And the Nets had a 41-11 free throw advantage in Boston. How does that happen?

Anonymous NarSARSsist said...
For the first time all season, the Nyets hit double digits in win percentage! Russia is in celebration.

Anonymous NarSARSsist said...
"The numbers speak for themselves. I like Dwight Howard, but it's not hard to stand out in a crowd when Yao Ming, Andrew Bogut and Amar'e Stoudemire are considered top centers."

And sadly, he only dominates over one of those three guys. Yao has destroyed Howard throughout his career, and Amar''''''''e is more or less a push. Beating up on Bogut is, errr, uh, yeah...

Blogger Basketbawful said...


i hurt

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Anonymous Brian said...
It is appropriate to post this image.


Blogger JerryT said...
"Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahaha, I know my Heat just flat out suck, but this is funny man, at home, to the Nets, in a relative blowout? Wow..."

In my humble opinion WINNING against Nets with a less than 10pts advantage is a blowout against your team... loosing to them... hell, i'm not sure there is even a word for this.

This one singular result calls for another redemption team. only this time they have to get lebron wade and bosh to make it up for that suckage to the fans.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Nets were way more aggressive driving the ball to the basket, which mostly explains the Free Throw unbalance. Boston was just stubborn and jacking up lazy shots, and was 3-19 for 3s. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing, some great defensive stops and blocks down the stretch by the Nets, and that gut feeling that the ball would miss with every 3 shot by the Celtics.

Boy they need Paul Pierce back.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Considering how bad the Nyets are, I didn't realize that the ailments of life as a senior citizen would be such a huge factor. Guess I was wrong.

I sold my ticket to that kid for 15 dollars...

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Wow, Z-Bo gave it to the bricks prison-style.

And Knee-Mac had a pretty spectacular performance of suck.

Anonymous DKH said...
Gotta say: lolCeltics

The funny thing is, New Jersey's stat line doesn't even look good. Hassell 1 of 4, Yi 2 of 12, Harris 6 of 16. And I'm asking myself, how did New Jersey make up a 50% to 44% FG% disadvantage? And of course, it's all in the personal fouls/free throws. 29 to 11 PF advantage to the Nets? How? Cripes.

Also, does the fact that Duhon can't even find the floor during Knicks games make anyone else lol? Although Sergio Rodriguez is being shown to be not that special so far. I hope he can develop into that offense, though.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
If the pistons trainer is so sure the hyperize shoes cause ankle injuries, why does he go on to say "the good Lord willing"? Either the injuries are caused by the shoes or by God, surely?

Blogger Silva said...
Jon-Michael - "The numbers speak for themselves. I like Dwight Howard, but it's not hard to stand out in a crowd when Yao Ming, Andrew Bogut and Amar'e Stoudemire are considered top centers. OH SNAP!"

Yes I agree, that's why considering Howard for MVP is far from being absurd. In a league with so few quality centers, a very good center is very valueable.

LeBron is tremendous, he's the MVP of the NBA but in case he pulls a Gilbert Arenas the MVP award should go to Howard.

Anonymous DKH said...
Lol @ the same old bullshit Suns-Spurs refereeing. How can the league let transparently terrible reffing like this continue year after year? McDyess uncercuts Amare at one end and there's no foul. At the other end, Frye gets a lot of ball on a block, but Duncan draws the foul. Two possessions later, Duncan commits a moving screen and dumps Jason Richardson on the ground, leading to more free Spurs points.

But, lol, I just watched J-Rich blow a dunk to tie the game with ~40 seconds left.

Of course, Duncan pushes off to get the offensive rebound and secure the game; no foul.

Anonymous Brian said...
And Jason Richardson and Steve Nash make their contribution to the greatest hits of Suns fail against the Spurs. Fuck.

Blogger Unknown said...
I can't believe Jason Richardson found another way to screw up on a national telecast. Getting punked on a 360 by Bron Bron apparently wasn't enough -- now he bricked an open dunk that would've tied the game with less than a minute to go. I'm sure AnacondaHL is spinning in his grave.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
First: Fuck you, Jason Richardson, Mr. Two Time Slam Dunk Champion. Fuck you.

Second: I love how Mark Jackson refers to Ron Artest's mugging of Carmelo Anthony as "active hands."

Anonymous Brian said...
For those who haven't seen it, here's Jason's fail. I knew it would happen before he did it. Excuse me while I go and hang myself.

Blogger LotharBot said...
Special Bawful shout-out to Kenny Mauer for the call where Melo fouled out.

Blogger chris said...

Every time I see those ads on Kings broadcasts for "Balcony Heights," I want to facepalm.

They're glorified UPPER DECK SEATS. That is IT. And yet, it needs a special advertisement for a $99 ticket package with a $10 food-and-drink voucher!? Really now?

Blogger chris said...
You know DeAndre Jordan is quite the lacktator when Peaches and Jerry Reynolds harp on him being a great target for fouling, due to a lack of fundamental skillz!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
BTW, I missed the game due to class, but I heard what happened, and specifically avoided looking for video highlights.

Of course, the blown dunk, and Nash last play are replayed, like, every commercial break and halftime show on ESPN. Honestly, wtf Suns. I am openly rooting for Dallas to win it all this year.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm sure the fact that the Gold Medal hockey game had started had nothing to do with Nash's decision to pass instead of taking a shot that would send his game into overtime. I'm just sayin'.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Please post this for Monday!!!

Blogger Jason D said...
I'd like to nominate the Nuggets team for a WOTN entry. Up by 11 in the 3rd quater and they completely collapse to hand the game to the Lakers. Also, they scored only one bucket in the last 4 minutes of the game. Out of 5 guys on the floor, only ONE basket in the last 4 minutes. Bawful...