I have virtually everything a man could reasonably ask for: My very own sports blog, an invisible unicorn sidekick that helps me fight crime, and almost 50 percent of my original teeth. However, I can't help but feel that something is missing. I mean other than a harem comprised of obedient Lynda Carter clones. And today I finally figured out what that "something" is: A Flying Monkey With Scream Sound!!

One part flying daredevil, one partscreaming monkey, all awesome.
According to the Amazon.com product description, "The Flying Monkey is nothing short of outrageous!" Since Webster's dictionary defines "outrageous" as "grossly offensive to decency or morality," I couldn't agree more. It's basically a slingshot for which the only ammunition is, well, itself. And since the idea of a flying monkey is a little silly, the toy makers added a touch of class by dressing it in a little cape and Zorro mask. Just put your fingers in the two handpockets, pull back, let go, and watch your monkey soar into adventure. Or up to 50 feet. Whichever comes first.

"Prepare to soar into adventure, Flying Monkey.
And by 'adventure,' I mean my dumb bitch sister."
At a mere $4.99, the Flying Monkey is already a steal. But wait, there's more!! The product description says: "As an added bonus, every time you shoot him, he let's out two loud monkey calls." Well, sure. Who doesn't?

Labels: adventure, Christmas list, flying monkey