Many pickup basketball players live under the laughable delusion that they could be playing professional basketball right now...if only they'd had better coaching in high school or maybe started playing at a younger age. This fundamental misapprehension is the source of great confusion and frustration for the legions of Ground Jordans across the country. After all, it's hard for them to make sense of the fact that they regularly shoot 2-for-20 in a pickup league when, under ideal conditions, they'd be going head-to-head with Lebron.

Make no mistake: The delusion is entirely necessary. The confidence it brings -- while preposterous and completely unfounded -- is probably the only reason they keep playing. After all, few people have the testicular fortitude to continue participating in an activity at which they actively suck. But that's what excuses are for. A well-crafted excuse allows a pickup baller to maintain his delusions of grandeur and yet explain away his consistently poop-like performances. Here are the top 20 excuses you're likely to hear while you're playing pickup basketball.

1. I was fouled: On every play??

2. The other team cheated: Scorekeeping in pickup basketball is kind of screwy, so it's completely possible your team got cheated out of a point or two. But that doesn't really explain why you shot 0-for-11.

3. I haven’t played in a while: This isn't the NBA Playoffs. Shoot around for ten minutes and you'll be as prepared as anybody else.

4. I just ate: Did you really think scarfing down two Big Macs on your way to the gym would help your game?

5. It's gotta be the shoes: There's always some guy playing in trail running shoes, or in shoes that don't have any traction left. If you don't own basketball shoes or can't remember to bring them, it's a safe bet you weren't any good to begin with.

6. It's gotta be the ball: It's flat. It's over-inflated. It's too slick. It looks funny. It's filled with flesh-eating slugs. You may be right. But we're all playing with the same ball.

7. It's gotta be the gym: Yeah, the lighting is bad, the floor is pockmarked, the rims are tight, and there’s no air-conditioning. But we're all playing in the same gym.

8. I've got a nagging injury: Sore knees, gimpy ankles, and aching backs are common reasons for uncommon suckitude.

9. I got hurt a couple plays ago: Isn't funny how after getting totally embarrassed, guys will suddenly start limping or massaging their lower back? Strangely enough, they stop hobbling around after they hit a couple shots.

10. My teammates suck: They can't shoot, they don't pass, or they don't get you the ball where you can be effective (wherever that is). Blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry, but look around. We all have sucky teammates. This is also referred to as the "Washington Wizards' Michael Jordan / Post-Shaq Lakers' Kobe Bryant Memorial Excuse."

11. I'm too short: Uh, nobody else in the league is over 6'3", so I don’t think being 5'10" is that much of a handicap.

12. I'm too old: And yet you're spry enough to plant an elbow in my back and shove your knee up my ass week after week after week...

13. I'm out of shape: We already know you're fat. Now explain why you suck.

14. I'm no good: It always helps to lower expectations from the get-go.

15. I ran five miles earlier: With all the old, out-of-shape, injured guys that are already playing, your running fatigue shouldn't really matter.

16. I played ball for, like, four hours last night: This is supposed to mean the person is too tired to play well tonight. But with all that extra practice, shouldn't they be better?

17. I just got done lifting: Your muscles are very impressive. I'm happy for you. But I've lifted weights before, too. Stretch out for a few minutes and you'll be fine.

18. I’m drunk / hungover: If you're too liquored up to play amateur basketball, then you should be in a 12-Step program, not a pickup league.

19. I wasn't "into it" tonight: Aww, poor baby. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

20. I just can't find my shot tonight: Check the trash can.

[Inspired by "Mr. Excuses" from the 11 Guys You Always Meet Playing Pickup Basketball video.]

Labels: excuses, pickup basketball