Basketbawful

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Ball-hoggery has really been reaching new and never-thought-I'd-freaking-see heights lately. Case in point: New York High School senior Epiphanny Prince just scored 113 points in a game, breaking into little, bite-size pieces the girls' national prep record of 105 points previously held by Hall of Famer Cheryl Miller.

Man-beast Epiphanny Prince (pictured left)can really put the damn ball in the hoop.
Prince, a 5'9" shoots-a-lot guard, hit on 56 of 60 shots to lead Murry Bergtraum in a 137-32 win over Brandeis High School. It was the most brutal and senseless beating since Ivan Drago punched Apollo Creed into a small, bloody mess. Some people might think going for 100 points when you're already beating a team by more than that is a cruel act of selfish narcissism. And you can count Brandeis coach Vera Springer among those people. Going in, her team had only won four league games all season, and after getting savagely thrashed by 105 points, she was pissed:

"It's nothing against Epiphanny. I have great admiration for her. This was an adult decision. Why would you do this against a team like ours? She didn't earn this. It was like picking on a handicapped person."

Her words weren't just sour grapes, either. It's very possible some of her players are handicapped. They'd almost have to be. In other news, Antoine Walker was quoted as saying he'd "piledrive" any girl who tried to score a hundred on him.

Prince wasn't the only girl to make competitive history this week. Sonya Thomas, a 100-pound Burger King shift manager known as "The Black Widow," ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches to win the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship.

Would you believe this tiny womanis one of the world's greatest eaters?
Thomas, who was disappointed that she wasn't able to gobble down 30 sandwiches, said she has a naturally big stomach capacity and heavily soaked her sandwiches in water to make them easier to swallow. She trains by drinking large amounts of water to expand her stomach capacity and practices relaxing her throat. And if that doesn't make her one of the most exciting potential dates you can possibly imagine, keep in mind she once ate 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

The WGCEC is just one of many eating contests sponsored by the International Federation Of Competitive Eating, along with the Big Daddy Burger Eating Contest, the Chili Cheese Fries Eating Championship, the Corned Beef Eating Championship, and the Valentine's Day Chocolate Massacre. Since I don't spend my days playing video games and watching old episodes of Space: 1999 in my parent's basement, I hadn't heard of the IFOCE before. But finding out about it gives me new hope that guys like Shawn Kemp and Oliver Miller can actually find a job now that they've eaten their way out of the NBA.

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