Basketbawful

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Basketbawful Classics: Adopt an NBA Player Program

This Basketbawful Classic originally made its rounds during the 1998 NBA lockout, but poking fun at the greed and avarice of professional basketball players and their union really never gets old.

The NBA Player Adoption Program needs you!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks -- possibly a whole year! But now you can help!

"People don't understand. We might make a lot of money, but we also spend a lot of money." ~ Patrick Ewing, unemployed Center

For about two thousand dollars a day -- that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV -- you can help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"If this keeps up much longer, I may have to sell one of my cars." ~ Kenny Anderson, unemployed Point Guard

How will I know I'm helping?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.

How will he know I'm helping?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a special friend who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below.

YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

I prefer to sponsor:

* Higher cost.
** Much higher cost.
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team. Does not include cheerleaders.

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Player's Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Payment Method:

Account Number:

Expiration:

Sponsor Name:

Street Address:

City, State, ZIP Code:

Phone Number:

Signature: _____________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Player's Association or call 1-888-TOO-MUCH now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval).

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.

Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.

Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductible.

Thanks for helping out,

Billy Hunter
Executive Director
NBA Player's Association

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...

"If this keeps up much longer, I may have to sell one of my cars." ~ Kenny Anderson, unemployed Point Guard

I knew there was a reason Kenny neglected to pay child support for the small army of kids he created...HA...

8/10/2006 11:54 AM