While hiking in the Nepalese Himalayas, the Basketbawful reporter known simply as Glenn was recently kidnapped by a group of Maoist rebels. They are holding him for ransom and currently only allowing him minimal access to the internet. As distressing as this may seem, the leader of the group wanted to make clear that the blogger should be back by the playoffs. The following statement was conveyed via morse code to our press offices.
The blogger you know as Glenn wanted to express his remorse over not posting lately, and to assure readers that he will be back in full force for the playoffs. He had taken the journey to contemplate the mysteries of the Lakers duking it out with the Jazz for an 8th seed, and to see if he could grow a Dallas Mavericks type beard. 
Due to the contemplative nature of his journey, the imprisoned author apparently wants to extend an olive branch to the AP, an organization that he often mocked. In one of his brief moments of internet access, he was said to have enjoyed this recap by Kyle Hightower. In addition to thinking that Kyle Hightower is a really cool name, the blogger was impressed by Hightower doing the research to show that Tobias Harris and Nikola Vucevic were the first teammates to both have 30/19 games since Walt Bellamy and Willis Reed did it for the Knicks in 1967.

The blogger did manage to smuggle Tuesday's lacktion report out of the country, written in blood.

Pacers-Cavaliers: Orlando Johnson whipped out a +6 suck differential in 9 minutes of play for the Pacers. 
Heat-Bucks: Jarvis Varnado's 2 minutes for the Heat resulted in a +1 suck differential. 
Nets-76ers: A +3 suck differential befell Kris Joseph after 5 minutes and 8 seconds spent representing the Nets. 
Grizzlies-Bobcats: The Grizzlies were busy, with Dexter Pittman finding his way to an eclectic +4 suck differential in 2 minutes and 27 seconds. Meanwhile, Tony Wroten cooked up a more traditional +2 suck differential in roughly 2 and a half minutes of play.
Thunder-Jazz: Marvin Williams climbed his way towards a 2 trillion, but didn't quite make it.  
Warriors-Timberwolves: Chris Johnson similarly was left looking up at a 4 trillion.  
Lakers-Hornets: Darius Miller of the Hornets attained a +3 suck differential in 6 minutes. 
At press time, a rather bitching kung fu battle was said to be taking place. There were also reports of a heavily armed Pam Grier being seen crossing the Bhutan border, apparently coming to the aid of her long time love interest.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
If they're Maoists, they're probably upset that Yao Ming didn't make the All Star team this year (don't bring it up).

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Welcome back

Blogger Barry said...
You sure picked a bad time for a spiritual awakening, Glenn!

And is it bad that whenever that region (Himalayas) is mentioned, I immediately think of that temple scene in Ace Ventura?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Somebody is slipping.
How 'bout a good post.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Kobe Bryant out for the season, does LA get a "Dead Gunner Bounce?" I predict yes. Now Nash, Gasol and Howard can go to town and kick butt offensively. You heard it here first.

No improvement defensively, maybe. You see, I've never bought the Bryant as elite defender narrative. Like Iverson did, Bryant cheats on defense. Looks good on defensive ratings, because he racks of steals, but he lets his guy into the lane too often.

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Anonymous: Maoism isn't Chinese partisan, and is currently as out of favor in China as any concept ostensibly communist can be. Maoism focuses on an agrarian society with no elites whatsoever. It was embodied by the "Great Leap Forward," which led to the deaths of tens of millions of Chinese due to extensive famine.

The current Chinese government might be called authoritarian-corporatist. Regardless, Maoist rebels would strongly disagree with anybody supporting modern China and its wealth-pursuing culture and elite classes.

Just sayin'. It's a global league now after all.

Anonymous Scrappy Coco said...
something is wrong! Lakers finish as 7th seed! Man, everything seems to go the Lakers way this past week. KMN!

Blogger Barry said...
I never bought it either Wormboy. He'll get up if he has to guard top players but there's quite a lot of false hustle going on on defense with Bryant.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"No improvement defensively, maybe." Dwight's defense was tremendous against the Rockets. I definitely see them beating the Spurs in 6, maybe 7. They'd match up pretty well against GSW (Denver has a lot of injuries) but will eventually lose to OKC in the Western Finals. I'm a Laker fan, but I just don't see them making the Finals without Kobe.