David Stern Pictured

Holy F*%!ing Squid Ballz, David Stern is retiring. What will the NBA do without him? Without an Emperor Palpatine look-alike and his cronies lording over the league, the games are theoretically gonna have to be decided on the court. While some might see this as a good thing, we may be forgetting the little victims. Who is gonna press The Stern Button? Is it just gonna sit there, lonely and inanimate, waiting in silence as the league goes on without it? Of course, none of this actually happens until Feb. 1st, 2014, which leaves plenty of time for a save The Stern Button movement.

Worst of the Night

The Milwaukee Bucks Backcourt: Somebody's gonna have to come up with a witty name for these guys because I have a feeling we're gonna be seeing a lot of them. The idea of combining Brandon Jennings and Monta Ellis onto one team might once have held a faint glimmer of promise, the kind of tantalizing long shot that's poured many a Midwestern mortgage payment into the brightly lit Nevada desert; last night made it abundantly clear that hope was just some sort of fever dream and the Bucks have a lot of "everything must go" yard sales in their future. The twin shoot first point guards combined for a gruesome 4-25 for the field. Don't worry, they also chipped in 6 assists to go with their 6 turnovers as Jenning's somehow outscored his twisted doppelganger with only 6 points. See what I'm getting at? 'Tis not a backcourt; 'tis the beast. 

The Bobcats: Luckily the Bucks were playing the Bobcats so that's pretty much an automatic win, even with a two headed hell beast gobbling up most of your teams possessions. As a team, the Bobcats unsurprisingly failed to shoot 40%. Despair is clearly setting in for Ramon Sessions who went 4-16. As he's probably realized by now, that short time with the Lakers was in all likelihood the most playoff action he's going to see for another insufferably long stretch of his career on basement dwelling teams. In a way, you've got to give the guy credit that he managed to hit four shots with that kind of cloud hanging over him.

Fun Fact: The Buck's top scorer was Tobias Harris who scored 18 pts in 17 minutes. Tobias is the first man named Tobias in the history of the NBA. 

Damian Lillard: I get it. It's the penultimate game of the preseason. You're a rookie. It's not a bad time to get the whole 'more field goal attempts than points and as many turnovers as assists' thing out of the way. Of course, coming from college we can't expect that you'd be ready for the awesome defensive prowess of the Utah Jazz and their Frankenstein backcourt of discarded pieces from last years Clippers team and Jamaal Tinsley.

Tyrone Corbin: What possible excuse could there be for playing Jamaal Tinsley. It's not Jamaal's fault didn't score a point in 23 minutes. It's your fault for giving him those minutes.

Tyrone Corbin: Yeah that's right, Tye Corbin, you get two. You were playing at home, man. What did you want to have happen? Did you want those kids to witness a man falling apart, torn limb from limb while attempting a crossover? Let people remember the Silver Bullet how they want to and not as your grim charade.

Once, he could almost keep the ball from a PF with no ACLs

The Los Angeles Lakers: Still without a win after eight tries. Don't worry Lakers fans. Nobody cares.

Mike Brown: But people do care about Kobe being questionable for the opener of the actual season. They say hindsight is 20/20, so I'll give coach Brown the benefit of the doubt. I mean, clearly he had to play all his starters over 30 minutes a piece just to lose to Sacramento last Sunday. It's not like any of them are over 38, coming off of back surgery, or injured themselves in a meaningless preseason game last year as well.

Me: About that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing.... I probably should have bothered to watch the Clippers play Denver (I think it was on NBA TV). Judging from the box score, Blake Griffin (10-13, 25 pts) and Chris Paul (12 assists 0 turnovers) probably put on a heck of a show. But fuck it dude, it's the preseason. 

The author in the '70s

Lacktion Report
Lakers-Kings: Darius Johnson-Odom messed around and got a two trillion, bringing none of the skills of former Lakers Lamar Odom or Magic Johnson to the table (or for that matter even the skills of Darius Miles). 
 Jazz-Blazers: Will Barton disgraced the Blazers uniform with a +1 suck differential in five minutes of playing time. Kevin Murphy of the Jazz recorder a turnover in a little under three minutes time giving him a +1 suck differential to call his own.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is great , I ve missed this so much!!

Blogger LotharBot said...
Bucks backcourt nickname: Broped.

A combination of Brandon Jennings and Moped. Plus, the "bro" connotation just seems appropriate.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
You go Glenn!

Thank god there's some decent writing here instead of evil ted shitting the place apart.

Blogger Glenn said...
I like it. I'll give it a try. The Broped blew a tire last night... Somebody must have put sugar in the Broped's gas tank before the game because... the jokes write themselves. Thanks.

Blogger Glenn said...
& thank you Evil Ted. I figured I should try to whip myself into game shape while it was still the preseason. I don't want to end up like Rick Barry, sitting on the bench with an oxygen tank, in that infamous '84 old-timers game.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ted, dude, just stop talking about yourself.

Friendly advice,

Blogger senormedia said...

Blogger Wormboy said...
Ted, don't stop talking about yourself. That one got the biggest laugh outta me.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Thanks, Wormboy. Your laugh is worth 20 anonymous snipers.

Anon, There's no such thing as "friendly advice" from an anon. Ever.

Anonymous JJ said...
Haha, great post, Glenn! You got me psyched up for the upcoming season.

And wow, was anyone else shocked at Harden trade? I knew Thunder was concerned about salary. But, I thought they'd give it at least another go, considering how close they were last year. I first read that Harden turned down 52 mil offer or something. So, despite his close relationship with Durant, I guess he figured it was time to get his own team. Still, I can't believe Thunder let him go without trying for a championship 1 more time.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Harden trade is definitely the big news now. Horrible mistake all around. I don't think you can underestimate the role of success in a guy's happiness. Harden was looking at years of good playoff runs and maybe a ring in there. You walk away from that for 10% more salary? And how much value does a ring have if he gets it? The ring is the difference between a marginal future and a bright future after he retires.

And I think Presti blew it, too. You don't pass up a shot at a championship. You just don't. This team was a contender for the next few years. You may not get so close again for 20 or 30 years. {Personally I'm laying this at Clay Bennett's feet. Presti pulled the trigger, but the ownership group decided how much they wanted to spend.}

Both parties are fools. You split the difference and move ahead. At the very least OKC should sit on it for another year. Nothing is certain. Those guys are all young, the Lakers and Spurs are ancient, and in theory OKC is one fairly likely Wade injury from a championship. Idiotic!

I should be cheering this move, since it sinks the Zombie Sonics as a contender (no, I'm not putting money on Kevin Martin). But it just seems like a crime against good basketball, as well as common sense. I never cease to be amazed at the idiocy of pro athletes. The numbers just don't add up.

Maybe we should go ask Shawn Kemp: Shawn, do you wish you had not worried about being paid less than other guys on the Sonics, and instead just played ball?

I hate to quote Simmons quoting Zeke, but he's right. It's not about basketball. I'll add my own: it's also not about money. It's about achieving hoops nirvana. Bill Russell would tell you this.

Blogger Glenn said...
It's devastating news. I think at least half the NBA watching world had big dreams for that trio, myself included.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
love the 'Broped' backcourt nickname. Hope it sticks