UConn fans proved last night that douche can indeed spontaneously combust.

Oh good lord. Was that the worst NCAA title game ever or what?

The numbers are staggering. Even for a self-styled expert in the best of the worst of basketball. Let me put it this way: One team shot 34.5 percent from the field (19-for-55), went 1-for-11 from three-point range (9.1 percent) and committed 11 turnovers. And that was the winning team.

As for those poor Butler Bulldogs, they're going to spend the rest of their lives wondering why they saved their worst possible performance for the national championship game. They shot 18.8 percent from the field (12-for-64). According to ESPN Stats and Information, that's the lowest shooting percentage in the history of the men's title game.

The next lowest was a 21.5 percent shooting game by Washington State.

In 1941.

The Bulldoggies actually shot better from downtown, but not by much, going 9-for-33 (27.3 percent). To make matters worse, they bricked nearly half of their foul shots (8-for-14). Fucking Ocean's 11 couldn't crack the lock on Butler's basket.

More ugly from ESPN Stats and Info: "The Bulldogs missed their first 21 field goals in the paint, not scoring until Andrew Smith's put back with 6:13 remaining in the game. Connecticut finished with 10 blocks, tying a title-game record, with eight of those 10 coming on shots in the paint."

Wait. There's more.

According to Elias Sports Bureau: "Butler shot 3-31 from 2-point range in this game, just 9.7 pct and the fewest 2-point FG made in championship game history."

There are no redeeming numbers to be found. Butler's starters shot the rock like it was covered in poisonous, firebreathing, flatulating insects: Matt Howard (1-for-13), Andrew Smith (2-for-9), Shawn Vanzant (2-for-10), Shelvin Mack (4-for-15) and Chase Stigall (3-for-11) had presumably seen a basketball before. Did they go through some kind of mind wipe before tipoff?

1-for-13? Fuck. I'd cry, too.

And how 'bout Butler's bench? 2 points on 0-for-6 from the field and 2-for-6 from the free throw line to go with 6 rebounds and 0 assists in a combined 46 minutes of PT? They did commit 9 fouls, tho'.

Said UConn coach Jim Calhoun: "Butler really plays defense. I mean, they really play defense. And we really play defense, and I think eventually our quickness and length got to them, but from a purist standpoint, if you really like defense, take a clip of this game."

How 'bout not?

I mean, just check out this crappy crap from ESPN Stats and Info:

The Bulldogs scored only 41 points, the fewest in any National Championship game since Oklahoma State scored 36 in 1949.

The 94 combined points by UConn and Butler is the fewest in a National Championship game since 1950. You have to go all the way back to the 1949 National Championship game between Oklahoma State and Kentucky, when the teams combined for only 82 points to find a lower scoring contest.

UConn shot 1-11 (9.1 percent) on 3-pt FG. That's tied for the worst 3-pt FG percentage in a National Championship game. Duke also shot 1-11 in 1990 vs UNLV. Duke lost that game, so UConn has the worst 3-pt FG pct by a National Championship game winner.
Don't expect to see this game on ESPN Classic any time ever.

After the win, UConn fans celebrated in their standard "HULK SMASH!" fashion:

The celebrations led to some minor property damage in Storrs: A couch was set on fire and a car was overturned at an apartment complex off campus. A crowd of several dozen had gathered, and some threw bottles at police officers, who used dogs to disband the crowd.

Twelve people were arrested, five of them students. Most of the charges involve vandalism and criminal mischief, UConn police Maj. Ronald Blicher said early Tuesday.

"There have been sporadic fires, either Dumpster or couch," Blicher said. "Not an awful lot though. For the most part the celebrations have been in good nature."
A fitting end to March Sadness.

Update! Bonus Video: This is somehow perfect.


Anonymous kazam92 said...
And this is why I don't watch college anything much at all. I need to watch a Warriors vs. Whoever game to get the sting of brick off my eyes

Blogger Mr. Too Nice Guy said...
The best part was that there were significant stretches during this game when Butler players passed up opportunities to make a move and shoot a 15 - 17 ft shot in favor of bombing contested 3's from well behind the arch. It was extremely painful to watch throughout.

Additionally - Butler's center had an atrocious game. Every time he went up for a contested rebound, I flashed back to games 6 & 7 from last year's final when KG and the other "bigs" on the Celtics couldn't get two hands on a rebound to save their lives / season.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
In NBA drama news, someone made a connection between Nash's divorce, his newly born black baby, and Jason Richardson leaving the team, and now there's a billion articles that assume Nash's wife had J-Rich's kid. Tony Parker replied "no no, that is not how you do, much to learn Jason".

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Re: Mr. Too Nice Guy

Did we ever figure out why KG thought it would be a good idea to only go for rebounds with his right hand in last years finals? Did he secretly injure his left shoulder and not tell anyone?

Anonymous JJ said...
Anaconda, that's some messed up news. Very likely true since everything fits in so perfectly.

It's like life is trying to teach us through Steve Nash that "no good guy goes unscrewed."

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Also, here's video of Delonte West's failed alleyoop. Be sure to catch his slowmo shrug afterwards.

Blogger tjr said...
@ JJ
I think that should read
"No good guy's wife goes unscrewed"

Anonymous Aaron said...
I posted this yesterday about Nash:

The black baby thing is not true

Anonymous Aaron said...
I posted this yesterday about Nash:

The black baby thing is not true.

Blogger Will said...
Mr Too Nice Guy- that wasn't a fluke game either for Butler's center. Dude straight up sucks. In the semifinal against VCU he missed 2 wide open layups as well as fumbling rebounds away.

Blogger stephanie g said...
That game was like showing up to school without pants. And you didn't study for the big test. And you're in the wrong class. And there's a piece of toilet paper stuck to your foot. And...

And sometimes there's a difference between good defense and bad offense.

Anonymous Cetti said...
I set my alarm for 3:05 (living in Germany), watched the whole game (my first NCAA final, didn't really know if the way they played was standard-level or if it really was that bad) and overslept to class because of it. So, yeah, probably my last NCAA final.

Blogger Dan B. said...

Blogger senormedia said...
That was atrocious. I hope the epic brickery doesn't rub off onto my game tonight.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
The Nash thing kinda blows my mind. When Nashty filed for divorce, and right after his wife had "their" third child, I was surprised, 'cause Steve seemed like the kind of guy who, even if he wanted to divorce, would have, you know, waited until a better time.

Further, the Richardson trade, while kind of a head-scratcher, wasn't too shocking given how the team has been run (read that: into the ground) the past several years. Now? Wow.

Anonymous Koggz said...
I don't have access to articles for Nash's drama, but if it's true, it's truly a sad thing. Heart goes out to the guy.

That game last night was disgusting. I went to happy hour at BJs with some coworkers after work and I've never seen a buzzkill of a game. It pretty much killed my night and any enjoyment I had watching college hoops. Now that I think about it, last time I was at BJs happy hour was to watch the BCS National Championship between Oregon and Auburn, which I thought didn't reach it's full potential as a game either (except for some shining moments). I should stop going there for these things..

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
The baby is not black, guys. Unless she brought in a stage baby. We don't have any facts about what happened between Captain Canada and his wife - not that it's any really of our business anyways. Just a bunch of innuendo and speculation.

Also, the assumption that Steve Nash generally seems like a swell guy and therefore is the perfect family man, whilst his wife is some bitch that cheated on him, is completely unwarranted. Tiger Woods seemed like the perfect family man too. That turned out pretty good, innit? It's quite possible that Nash was the one fooling around; it's alleged in the article Aaron linked to.

To summarize: Is this my 13 year old cousins' facebook page? Eesh.

Also I'm going to point to that abomination last night anytime someone says things like "The college game is better!". No. It's not. It's just not. Exhibit A, B, C, D, and Z.

Anonymous Tree said...
There's an article in Business Wire about Nash, with his wife claiming the baby is in fact Nashes ( It says Nash himself acknowledged the kid is his, but there's no quote attributed to him. Not sure what to make of it - there is obviously a great incentive for her to lie, and the lack of quote from him doesn't help make it seem definitive ...

That said, he dumped his wife the day after she gave birth to their alleged baby ... that's not something I'd expect from him without a good reason. I have read reoprts claiming that the baby is not black, as many have said, it may be a lie but if you do a Google search of Nashes children, you'll find images of his daughters - but none of his "son" ... strange.

Who knows ... but as a Canadian and ball fan, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

BTW - I know Alejandra has a great body and all, but am I alone in thinking she's rather, uh ... facially deficient?

As for the game last night, I don't watch too much NCAA, but tuned in last night ... I wish I didn't.

Anonymous Tree said...
@The Other Chris ... there you go. I just wrote about no images of the son being available - thanks for passing that along. I don't know, looks like Nash to me ...

Blogger Babyshoes said...
@Dan B... anytime you are on a list with Ruben Patterson it is no good.

Anonymous Drew said...
On the gossip - there's definitely something seriously wrong with a relationship if you get a divorce one day after having a kid. It's not like this is Mad Men or anything. Steve Nash's hair is way too untidy anyway.

NCAA final. Bleurgh. I still like the college game better. The NBA is more of a spectacle because it has all the freak athletes, but it's basically just five separate games of one-on-one on the court. At least college ball occasionally has some semblance of order to it. And you know what, I like the big clumsy white guys who refuse to dunk and can't get two hands on a rebound because God dammit if that wasn't me one day not so long ago!!!

Seriously though, if they start to allow NCAA players a bit of a stipend and make them stay until the graduate you would have (a) more, better rounded players in the NBA (b) better attitudes and character among these players (c) eliminate the one-and-done's which is ruining college basketball from a supporters standpoint - who can get invested in a guy who's at your school for eight months? (d) an education for the players who don't end up making it so they can avoid flipping burgers.

Anonymous Marc d. said...
Butt-UConn was fun to watch if only to see if Butt would EVER get any points in the paint. They did, eventually, so I turned it off

Blogger Will said...
The Other Chris- I guess the baby must be Goran Dragic's then.

Anonymous Rick said...
So, does anyone want to posit any theory on why everyone was so quick to believe that Jason Richardson had impregnated Steve Nash's wife? Even though there was no real evidence to support that except from a tabloid celebrity website (and not even a particularly good one at that).

I guess it was just giving Steve Nash the benefit of the doubt because of his history of being a good guy. Unlike that evil Jason Richardson.

This is the reason people why Jason Whitlock will always have a job.

Blogger Wormboy said...
I don't think pointing to the worst NCAA Final game I've ever seen is evidence that the college game sucks. Shall we trot out a Cavs-Wolves game as a counter-example? Or maybe a Pistons-Spurs Finals? Oh yes. It, too, was fugly.

At least the college players don't mail it in, eh? I saw several very suspenseful games during the tournament. And let's not forget that these are practically kids, right? You expect 18-21 year olds not to tense up in a title game?

Also, I'd argue that the most talented players aren't always the most fun to watch. I much rather watch a good matchup that is suspenseful. Best playoff series of recent years (and maybe ever)? Bulls-Celtics 2009. Evenly matched, played their hearts out, shattered the playoff series overtime record. Buzzer beaters galore, passions running high, Rose's coming out party, fun as hell.

But I must say that Butler totally gacked. I've never seen so many shots clank on the rim. I wonder what/whom Calhoun sacrificed to curse the rims?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I wonder what/whom Calhoun sacrificed to curse the rims?

His ethics.

Blogger senormedia said...
The pickup game tonight was Butleriffic. Ugh. Apparently just watching it rubbed off on everyone - of the 12 guys, no one looked like they had played the game before.
Epic fail.

WV: galuv, i.e., the wife has had about 1/2 a bottle of wine tonight, so that may lead me to some gal love.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Vince Carter is still a vagina

But you all knew that.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Yes. Worst title game ever. I do enjoy some college basketball, but I've never been so appalled watching a basketball game. Especially one that decided a CHAMPION!

Back to the NBA?

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
The Other Chris- I guess the baby must be Goran Dragic's then

Oh man. That would be awesome.

Several people have pointed out that they got divorced the day after the baby was born. True, but they had been separated already for several months. The divorce was a formality. Whatever happened, happened well before the baby was born.

Anonymous Karc said...
The ball don't lie, Kobe. That last possession was pure beauty. As soon as it's up on YouTube, I nominate the clip as the defacto-Raptor Mascot fail whenever the Lakers lose in comedic fashion.

It's almost like both teams wanted to one-up the awful UConn-Butler game with an almost epic stinker, and Gordon Hayward was the only who showed up pissed and ready to play (and rightfully so).

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm not sure if it was posted before, but this would have been a worthy final game:

Anonymous JJ said...
Guys! I figured it out. Steve Nash's wife actually cheated with Tony Parker!! Damn the french man! He's everywhere!

Anonymous Kyle said...'s exactly what the headline sounds like. Sweet, sweet man-love

Anonymous Matt said...

You have to have them before you can sacrifice them.