UConn fans proved last night that douche can indeed spontaneously combust.
Oh good lord. Was that the worst NCAA title game ever or what?

The numbers are staggering. Even for a self-styled expert in the best of the worst of basketball. Let me put it this way: One team shot 34.5 percent from the field (19-for-55), went 1-for-11 from three-point range (9.1 percent) and committed 11 turnovers. And that was the winning team.

As for those poor Butler Bulldogs, they're going to spend the rest of their lives wondering why they saved their worst possible performance for the national championship game. They shot 18.8 percent from the field (12-for-64). According to ESPN Stats and Information, that's the lowest shooting percentage in the history of the men's title game.

The next lowest was a 21.5 percent shooting game by Washington State.

In 1941.

The Bulldoggies actually shot better from downtown, but not by much, going 9-for-33 (27.3 percent). To make matters worse, they bricked nearly half of their foul shots (8-for-14). Fucking Ocean's 11 couldn't crack the lock on Butler's basket.

More ugly from ESPN Stats and Info: "The Bulldogs missed their first 21 field goals in the paint, not scoring until Andrew Smith's put back with 6:13 remaining in the game. Connecticut finished with 10 blocks, tying a title-game record, with eight of those 10 coming on shots in the paint."

Wait. There's more.

According to Elias Sports Bureau: "Butler shot 3-31 from 2-point range in this game, just 9.7 pct and the fewest 2-point FG made in championship game history."

There are no redeeming numbers to be found. Butler's starters shot the rock like it was covered in poisonous, firebreathing, flatulating insects: Matt Howard (1-for-13), Andrew Smith (2-for-9), Shawn Vanzant (2-for-10), Shelvin Mack (4-for-15) and Chase Stigall (3-for-11) had presumably seen a basketball before. Did they go through some kind of mind wipe before tipoff?

1-for-13? Fuck. I'd cry, too.
And how 'bout Butler's bench? 2 points on 0-for-6 from the field and 2-for-6 from the free throw line to go with 6 rebounds and 0 assists in a combined 46 minutes of PT? They did commit 9 fouls, tho'.

Said UConn coach Jim Calhoun: "Butler really plays defense. I mean, they really play defense. And we really play defense, and I think eventually our quickness and length got to them, but from a purist standpoint, if you really like defense, take a clip of this game."

How 'bout not?

I mean, just check out this crappy crap from ESPN Stats and Info:

The Bulldogs scored only 41 points, the fewest in any National Championship game since Oklahoma State scored 36 in 1949.

The 94 combined points by UConn and Butler is the fewest in a National Championship game since 1950. You have to go all the way back to the 1949 National Championship game between Oklahoma State and Kentucky, when the teams combined for only 82 points to find a lower scoring contest.

UConn shot 1-11 (9.1 percent) on 3-pt FG. That's tied for the worst 3-pt FG percentage in a National Championship game. Duke also shot 1-11 in 1990 vs UNLV. Duke lost that game, so UConn has the worst 3-pt FG pct by a National Championship game winner.

Don't expect to see this game on ESPN Classic any time ever.

After the win, UConn fans celebrated in their standard "HULK SMASH!" fashion:

The celebrations led to some minor property damage in Storrs: A couch was set on fire and a car was overturned at an apartment complex off campus. A crowd of several dozen had gathered, and some threw bottles at police officers, who used dogs to disband the crowd.

Twelve people were arrested, five of them students. Most of the charges involve vandalism and criminal mischief, UConn police Maj. Ronald Blicher said early Tuesday.

"There have been sporadic fires, either Dumpster or couch," Blicher said. "Not an awful lot though. For the most part the celebrations have been in good nature."

A fitting end to March Sadness.

Update! Bonus Video: This is somehow perfect.

Labels: NCAA sucks