Welcome to a little thing I like to call THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE.

I hate dating myself, but I grew up in the 1980s. And during the 80s, nothing -- and I really do mean nothing -- was cooler than robots. If you slapped the word "robot" onto a product, somebody would buy it no matter how un-robot-y it really was. This is the only sane explanation for how horrors like Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords were made.

Sure, GBotRL set the gold standards for robots that transformed into rocks, but that still doesn't explain why the hell some fool thought kids wanted to play with robots that became regular, mundane objects. Why not create a line of toys called "Living Room Furniture Lords" or "Random Office Supplies Lords." As an aside, the Wikipedia entry for the Rock Lords states: "Rock Lords was not a successful toy line." Which is like saying "I have an 80th level Death Knight in Wrath of the Lich King!" was not a successful pickup line.

But I digress.

Unfortunately, mankind's wonder with robots was way ahead of its ability to create real, working robots. So instead, we had to make due with crappy fake robots like Johnny-Five and Small Wonder. And as far as toys went, the best we had was Robotix. Which was great if you considered building a car that rolled slowly across the floor or a making a plastic dinosour thingie that "moved" by even more slowly opening and closing it's mouth a robotic wonder.

I probably don't have to tell you that a lot has changed since the 1980s. Mankinds fascination with robots has given way to an even greater fascination with Internet porn. But that hasn't stopped scientists from building better robots. And by "better" I mean they are actual robots.

Introducing the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kit:

Welcome BIOLOID to the world's first truly diverse and interchangeable robot platform.

The Bioloid Multi-bot is the first robot of its kind to be built around serially controlled servo technology. This allows the user to construct a wide variety of robot configurations, including the autonomous exploration robot, quadruped puppy robot, hexapod spider robot, dinosaur robot and bi-pedal humanoid...all with one controller board.
That's awesome! But -- just like a complete double rainbow -- I can't help wondering what it all means.

The Bioloid is a robot kit where the user can build anything they desire, just like the Lego sets. But unlike the Lego sets, the robot is built with blocks that are actuated, so the joints can move. The name "Bioloid" comes from the words "Bio" + "all" + "oid" meaning that any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.
Well, the vagina is a living thing, official Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid User's Guide. Can I build that in the form of a robot? Actually, don't answer that. Please.

Now, here's where this robot kit starts to edge into creepy "I might accidentally build something that comes back from the future to kill my mom before I'm born" territory:

With the use of a distance sensor, sound sensor, and feedback from the joints, the robot can be programmed to operate autonomously. For example, you can build a robot dog that gets up when it hears a clap and sits down when it hears two claps, or a robot that bows when a person comes close. You can also make a robot that avoids obstacles or a robot that plays with a ball. A robot that can move by the pressing of buttons or by using the remote control (option) can also be built. Using the provided software, even people without a background in robotics can easily program these kinds of robot movements.
You know, I've seen plenty of robot-themed movies, and building robots that operate autonomously rarely ends well for anybody who isn't the robot. And do we really want "people without a background in robotics" building things that can think and act on their own? I might as well just resign myself to having my organs harvested for use in giant battery pods when the machines inevitably take over.

Damn. I really liked my pancreas.

Now, even though whoever invented the Bioloid Expert Humanoid Robot Kid clearly intended to bring about the end of human existence, the official user's guide still had to take part in some legal ass covering. For, you know, the transition period before President Obama is replaced by a cybernetic duplicate.

The user is responsible for any accidents that occur while building the robot. Before starting, please remember the following.

Read and study the manual before starting.

The recommended age for this product is 12 years and older. Those under 15 years must work under supervision.

Only use the recommended tools and do not use any dangerous tools, such as knives or drills.

Do not work on this product if you are feeling sick or feel fatigue, and especially under influence of alcohol.

Keep the robot away from your face.

Keep the robot or its parts away from children.

Be careful not to get your finger be caught between the joints.

Resistance is futile. Your human mind will be broken.


I realize this probably sounds rather negative. And it is. But I'm a big believer in the following tenet: If you can't beat the rush of oncoming robot apocalypse, you should join it.

That's why $2,999.00 plus shipping and handling seems like a reasonable amount of money to spend on creating a robot me that will replace the human me shortly after cold metal feet have stomped over the broken remains of my laser-blasted skeleton. Or maybe I'll just try to recreate the 1986 Boston Celtics so they can forever play for my enjoyment.

After all, any living thing can be built in the form of a robot.

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Blogger Will said...
I hate dating myself too. I'm such a terrible lover.
WV: ponclers: next up on bawfuls wish list

Blogger chris said...
Man, I am surprised the "ultimate" in 80s robot tech wasn't mentioned:

the Nintendo ROB!

Blogger Dan B. said...
For the record, Small Wonder was shit. Thank you for reminding me.

Speaking of machines turning on humans and killing them, did anyone else think of Maximum Overdrive? Man, now I want to listen to AC/DC and drink some sodas.

Will -- Zing!

chris -- Technology!!!!

Blogger Will said...
Bawful- So when you put your human brain in the BIOLOID, will you put a mouse in your head that controls your body via tiny, mouse-sized controls? You know, like that one SeaLab 2021 episode (cheeeese).

Blogger Dan B. said...
Will -- Wow, I had almost forgotten about that episode. Good times. Now I feel compelled to quote Sealab just because I can: "Sparkamus Prime demands a hydraulic penis!" and "Hey, can I have two robot penises?" come to mind.

Anonymous JJ said...
That's a good point. I don't know why many robots transform into more mundane objects. I mean why bother transforming if you're not going to transform into something better? Though, to be fair, it's hard to get any cooler than a flying robot with laser guns (maybe a flying NINJA robot with laser guns?).

Bawful, by the way, do you play WoW? At the least, you seem quite familiar with it since I see some WoW references here and there. I'm not passing judgement, just curious. I actually play it from time to time (if you can call literally playing maybe 1 month a year "playing").

Blogger Unknown said...
Don't knock the Rock Lords. My grandparents had no idea of what kinds of toys kids actually liked, so they just bought the whole line of Rock Lords for me and my cousins to play with. Also, look at that cast from the cartoon, a positive murderers row: Roddy McDowell, Margot Kidder, Telly Savalas? Nuggit alone is so bawful that the poor thing needs to be on the masthead here.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I believe the BIOLOID has already replaced Greg Popovich, as demonstrated by his press conferences.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
If you can find a photo/video, get Nate Robinson failing to piggyback Pierce after his go-ahead shot.

Blogger Sam Lively said...
Despite the gaudy #s, you've got to give Amare some grief for his utter collapse on the defensive boards in crunch time. KG got any board/putback he wanted in the crucial minutes.

Blogger Dan B. said...
If you can find a photo/video, get Nate Robinson failing to piggyback Pierce after his go-ahead shot.

This. I spent far too much time laughing after that slow motion replay.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Is it too early to say that Bynum's return seems to have cured what was ailing the Lakers? Bynum himself hasn't really contributed much (coming back from surgery he shouldn't be expected to), but you can see what a difference it's made to Gasol to actually be able to get some rest in these games. It's only been two games, and they were games against mediocre and/or crappy teams, but the difference is rather pronounced IMO. After all, LA lost at home a few weeks ago to the Pacers and only beat the Wizards at home by 7 last week, but with Bynum back they beat Washington by 14 on the road and then tonight beat Indiana by 15 on the road, and in both games the whole 4th quarters were garbage time.

When you look at what people were pointing to following LA's 8-0 start (Gasol playing like crap, Kobe taking way too many shots) the trends seem to have been reversed since Bynum returned. Gasol played only 31 minutes last night and only 36 tonight, and it's made a huge difference, not just for himself, but for Kobe and the rest of the team as well. Last night Gasol had 16 points, 9 boards and 7 assists, and then tonight Gasol had 28 points, 8 boards, 4 assists and 2 blocks. Meanwhile, last night Kobe took only 11 shots (hitting 7) and tonight he took only 18 shots (hitting 11). As Gasol's effectiveness has gone up, Kobe's inclination to play "hero ball" has gone down, and Kobe's efficiency has gone up.

As I said, Bynum himself hasn't produced much at all, but his mere presence has allowed Gasol to rest and has let Phil not have to play any small ball with Barnes or Artest at power forward. To answer my own question, yes, it's definitely early to say that Bynum has fixed all the problems (only time will tell, as will playing some tougher opponents), but the early results certainly look promising to this Laker fan.

Blogger Solieyu said...
Yams, I find it far more likely that the Laker's improved play is a direct consequence of increased morale now that Sasha Vujacic is no longer occupying space in the locker room.

Speaking of hollow victories, the Cavs only lost by 6! NBA, where slightly less bawful happens.

Knicks gave the Celtics a good run, but this game was pretty much the equivalent of an ambush, and they still failed. I don't see the Knicks causing the Celtics this much trouble in the future.

Also can't see them beating the Heat, as forcing the tempo up plays right into the hands of LeBron and Wade. Speaking of the Heat, good thing they have Wade, because he's the major reason they're winning. No idea what Bosh is doing, frankly.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
dapbu03, I also had the entire rock lord line. I was afraid to admit it until I saw another who suffered from having "anything in the toy aisle is just as good as anything else" family members.

Now if I can just find someone else who also had Floweriffic.

Blogger chris said...
Wild Yams: Yep, Bynum's primary role is to come off the bench and give Gasol a breather. Which, frankly, isn't THAT bad of a gig!


One year or so after the Kings overcame a 35 point deficit to embarass the Notorious VDN...

The purple paupers (this year's unlovable edition) then proceed to have their own biggest choke in the last few years (last time they pulled this off was 2004) - blowing a _23_ point lead over a barely-attended Hornets team.


Anonymous HappyBirthdayPaulie said...
Don't you forget about me!!!

Anonymous Nick said...

Anonymous Mladen said...
I just came here to post this (and then saw that AnacondaHL already requested it):

Awesome. I find that midget irritating.

Anonymous Eric said...
AP Gold:

I’ve never won 10 games in a row,” Bosh said. “So I’m happy.

Did you guys imagine Bosh being in this position? Wow. I am speechless.

Blogger Wild Yams said...

Blogger The Sports Hayes said...
The Knicks gave the Celtics all they could handle and fell 0.1 second short of victory.

I will say Stoudamire is the real deal but I don't see Don Flamingo (Gallinari) going off for 20 second half points against the Celtics again.

I will say that the Knicks earned respect for this game but I won't give them too much credit. The C's are missing Shaq, Perkins, Jermaine and Delonte West and Rondo is playing with a sprained ankle/pulled hamstring. Also the 4th string center Semih Erden is playing with a separated shoulder that requires surgery to fix it.

If the Knicks want real respect, let's get the entire C's roster healthy and then see if the Knicks can hang 116 points on them.

Blogger Onandonymous said...
Which is like saying "I have an 80th level Death Knight in Wrath of the Lich King!" was not a successful pickup line.

Please. Everyone knows you need a tank or a healer to really get any action. Death knights are a dime a dozen.

Blogger Unknown said...

Dr. J's house in Utah(!??!?) foreclosed.

Blogger JimmySlattery said...
cf..`Child`s Play by William Tenn