The SpyMall Web site provides a great many ways to willingly violate someone's consitutional right to privacy. That's assuming you live in a country where the government has promised to always protect your privacy until it becomes super important to secretly violate it.
Consider yourselves warned, terrorists.
But SpyMall doesn't just let you snoop, restrain and deal out swift justice in the form of speeding lead projectiles. The site also provides an entire page devoted enitrely to revenge:
Unlike some of the other companies that you will encounter on the web and elsewhere, Brandon Enterprises likes to think of itself as a well-rounded company with something for everyone. This is true whether you are one of our many friends in the Law Enforcement field, or just someone who has the odds stacked against them. Our primary objective is to help put the odds in YOUR favor. Whatever your mission, whatever your situation, -- WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!SpyMall then engages in some serious cover-our-ass-ing:
This section of our virtual store is dedicated to products which give you the power to take back control of your life and put the fear of God into your enemies. As you will soon see, many of these marvels of chemistry and electronics have been adapted from the many gadgets used by intelligence operatives. Others were designed with one specific, yet wonderfully diabolical purpose in mind, GETTING-EVEN...
PLEASE NOTE: Brandon Enterprises does not condone or recommend the use of any of these products to inflict harm, injury, or mental anguish on any third party. These devices are sold strictly for novelty purposes and should not be used without the other persons consent. (Of course your already knew this, right?) Enjoy.SpyMall then provides access to a whole series of sinister products that no sane and/or conscious human beign would ever consent to come into contact with. Not even somebody with a human ashtray fetish.
The most insideous of these products are collected in The Ultimate Revenge Kit:
Revenge can truly be sweet, -- especially if you have a fully equipped bag of tricks ready to deploy at a moments notice. This special kit offers you one of each of our unique revenge chemicals, (15-in-all) in a special padded, lockable, hard carry case. Chemicals included: Nasty Yellow Teeth, Hellfire & Brimstone, Un-Natural Gas, Evacuator, Sneezing Powder, Green Gas, Lock-Out Drops, Liquid Key Scratch, Vomit Fluid, Liquid Nightmare, The Blob, Stink Bomb, Liquid Roadkill, Blood Capsules, & Purple Rain. Purchased separately, the items contained in this kit would cost you over $175.00!!! Warning: These chemicals should not be used on someone without their consent.You'll have to go to the site for a full description of these products. But I here's a description of the Evacuator:
The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent.Evacuation "via the natural route"? Pussies. My kind of revenge includes evacuation via totally unnatural routes. Because nothing says "revenge" like some poor sucker shitting uncontrollably through his eyes.
Also, I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that.
At any rate, assuming another Celtics-Lakers Finals next summer, I'm going to have one of these babies shipped to every single hotel L.A. could possibly stay in. So if Kobe misses a few games due to deadly ass explosions, well, there's no need to thank me.
Labels: Christmas list, The Ultimate Revenge Kit
33 Comments:
Word of the Day
Previous Posts
Worst of the Night: December 13, 2010Bawful After Dark: December 13, 2010
The 2010 Christmas List: The Beer Belly
Worst of the Night: December 12, 2010
How I spent Birdmas
Worst of the Night: December 9, 2010
Bawful After Dark: December 9, 2010
Worst of the Night: December 8, 2010
Bawful After Dark: December 8, 2010
Worst of the Night: December 7, 2010
Links
Archive
January 2005February 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
January 2013
February 2013
March 2013
April 2013
May 2013
June 2013
July 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
June 2018
July 2022
contact: basketbawful@yahoo.com
Bawful, if you really want Lakers to lose, you have to send it to Pau, not Kobe, though he seems like a nice guy.
http://deadspin.com/5711284/cnn-inexplicably-airs-dumb-and-dumber-diarrhea-scene
"Nets, Lakers, Rockets are in advanced talks on 3-way deal sending T. WIlliams to HOU, S. Vujacic and a future HOU 1st to NJ, sources tell Y!"
Poor Maria, probably wishing for a Mulligan.
Ill let the princess bride sum this up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk
I don't even know where to begin. There are about 999 things different between Cliff Lee and LeBron, starting with the fact that Cliff Lee doesn't have "Chosen 1" tatooed across his back (as far as I know anyway), and ending with the fact that Cliff Lee didn't go on national TV for a full hour only to screw over fans who literally begged him to stay.
Best Part: he spends over half of the words in the article trying to convince the reader that he isn't a LeBron fan-boy, and that ESPN didn't put him up to this joke of an article.
Clearly, he doesn't read Basketbawful, or else he would know why so many people are irritated by LeBron.
-1 Henry
Yeah, I'm pretty muchb done with TrueHoop. They're supercilious, mainstream, and have stopped doing what I loved: reviewing all of the internet content. We have enough bungholes spouting off theses about this player or that team; I like the nutshell synopsis of what's up, with a little more follow-up and comments about it. But you know, like any large company they go away from what worked and went with what they think should work.
Godspeed, Machine...
Wild Yams:
What are you guys going to do without your go-to foul shooter for game 7 of the finals this year??
Just a heads up. Saw this on twitter.
-SRQman
"Supercilious"? Wow, nice word. I don't think I've seen that one since I took the SAT. And that was not recent.
But you're right. The article is subtly patronizing and asks incredulously why on god's green earth people would HATE LeBron but not Cliff Lee? Abbott becomes defensive halfway through his article and starts taking shots at his own readers before they have even read it. Does this mean he knows it's bullshit? Maybe. But yeah, I hadn't visited that site in almost a year, and I won't be going back soon.
'If he calls that number, I'll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring,'" Bryant quipped back
link to poorly written article that contains quotes and goes to extra lengths to explain the joke because people reading ESPNLA are apparently too stupid to get it without the wordy wordy wordy explanation but seriously, that's a great Quote Machine. It makes me look forward to the Heat-Lakers Finals, where afterwards Kobe says something confusingly meta like "I guess you'll have to wait for me to pick up the phone a bit longer."
Brigadier Ketchup - I'm sure Joe Smith can wave a towel on the bench every bit as good as Sasha Vujacic did. The best thing about this trade for the Lakers, as AnacondaHL pointed out, is that it saves them money. They swapped their 12th man (Vujacic) for a new 12th man (Smith). It should (hopefully) have zero impact on the Lakers. Now that Bynum is back, with he, Gasol and Odom healthy, that accounts for all of the quality PF/C minutes on the Lakers. Joe Smith's role will be to hold down a chair on the sidelines unless someone gets hurt, or if Phil needs to empty his bench while the Staples Center crowd is chanting for tacos in garbage time. If you hear someone telling you that Joe Smith is gonna make any kind of meaningful contribution on the court you can tell them they're wrong, cause it's hard to contribute when you're not even playing. Still, Joe Smith and Theo Ratliff will make a pretty great garbage time frontcourt duo...
Then, nobody made me cry inside harder than in Game 7 when he sank those 2 free throws. I'll give the devil his due, he came through in crunch time.
If the Lakers make it back to the Finals....can you see Joe Smith doing anything clutch?
And I hope there's a recording of Mike Fratello doing a DRAMATIC READING of Terrance Williams's tweet. If you must, imagine him reading this tweet aloud with a really extended UUPPPPPPPPPPP.
In the month of December he recorded a grand total of 9 minutes of playing time, and they all came in one game (the 33 point blowout of Sacramento back on the 3rd). Sasha had only played in 11 games this season, and was averaging less than 5 minutes a game in those 11 games. He was a total non-factor for this year's Laker team, and unless a couple people got hurt, he would have continued to be a non-factor.
Believe me, the Lakers have neither improved nor gotten worse due to this trade. Joe Smith won't play just like Sasha wasn't playing. It's all about finances, but on the court it won't make a lick of difference either way (unless there are injuries).
Funniest thing I've read in a long time