revenge kit
This product is pretty much as insideous as it looks.

The SpyMall Web site provides a great many ways to willingly violate someone's consitutional right to privacy. That's assuming you live in a country where the government has promised to always protect your privacy until it becomes super important to secretly violate it.

Consider yourselves warned, terrorists.

But SpyMall doesn't just let you snoop, restrain and deal out swift justice in the form of speeding lead projectiles. The site also provides an entire page devoted enitrely to revenge:

Unlike some of the other companies that you will encounter on the web and elsewhere, Brandon Enterprises likes to think of itself as a well-rounded company with something for everyone. This is true whether you are one of our many friends in the Law Enforcement field, or just someone who has the odds stacked against them. Our primary objective is to help put the odds in YOUR favor. Whatever your mission, whatever your situation, -- WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!

This section of our virtual store is dedicated to products which give you the power to take back control of your life and put the fear of God into your enemies. As you will soon see, many of these marvels of chemistry and electronics have been adapted from the many gadgets used by intelligence operatives. Others were designed with one specific, yet wonderfully diabolical purpose in mind, GETTING-EVEN...
SpyMall then engages in some serious cover-our-ass-ing:

PLEASE NOTE: Brandon Enterprises does not condone or recommend the use of any of these products to inflict harm, injury, or mental anguish on any third party. These devices are sold strictly for novelty purposes and should not be used without the other persons consent. (Of course your already knew this, right?) Enjoy.
SpyMall then provides access to a whole series of sinister products that no sane and/or conscious human beign would ever consent to come into contact with. Not even somebody with a human ashtray fetish.

The most insideous of these products are collected in The Ultimate Revenge Kit:

Revenge can truly be sweet, -- especially if you have a fully equipped bag of tricks ready to deploy at a moments notice. This special kit offers you one of each of our unique revenge chemicals, (15-in-all) in a special padded, lockable, hard carry case. Chemicals included: Nasty Yellow Teeth, Hellfire & Brimstone, Un-Natural Gas, Evacuator, Sneezing Powder, Green Gas, Lock-Out Drops, Liquid Key Scratch, Vomit Fluid, Liquid Nightmare, The Blob, Stink Bomb, Liquid Roadkill, Blood Capsules, & Purple Rain. Purchased separately, the items contained in this kit would cost you over $175.00!!! Warning: These chemicals should not be used on someone without their consent.
You'll have to go to the site for a full description of these products. But I here's a description of the Evacuator:

The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent.
Evacuation "via the natural route"? Pussies. My kind of revenge includes evacuation via totally unnatural routes. Because nothing says "revenge" like some poor sucker shitting uncontrollably through his eyes.

Also, I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that.

At any rate, assuming another Celtics-Lakers Finals next summer, I'm going to have one of these babies shipped to every single hotel L.A. could possibly stay in. So if Kobe misses a few games due to deadly ass explosions, well, there's no need to thank me.

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33 Comments:
Blogger Future Guy said...
How cool would it be to see "DNP-Deadly Ass Explosions" next to Kobe's name on a box score?

Anonymous JJ said...
Future Guy, that would be hilarious. But, knowing NBA, it'll probably say "DNP - Flu-like symtoms".

Bawful, if you really want Lakers to lose, you have to send it to Pau, not Kobe, though he seems like a nice guy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
or you can just save your money by rubbing poo in their food (with the other person's consent, of course)

Blogger Dan B. said...
Now I'm thinking about the "Ex-Lax in the coffee" scene from Dumb and Dumber and it is making me smile. Thank you.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Unique natural bark? So is this some sort of vegan, health-conscientious prank laxative? Is this what you've come to, America?

Blogger stephanie g said...
Vising that site was like going in a time warp back to 1997.

Blogger Will said...
Dan B: that reminds of something I saw on Deadspin last week.
http://deadspin.com/5711284/cnn-inexplicably-airs-dumb-and-dumber-diarrhea-scene

Anonymous Marylander said...
Reporting from the Verizon center. Lakers fans are everywhere. Like a home game for the Lakers LOL.

Anonymous Karc said...
Me thinks Sasha reads this blog, he's getting shipped to NJ according to A-Woj's twitter.

"Nets, Lakers, Rockets are in advanced talks on 3-way deal sending T. WIlliams to HOU, S. Vujacic and a future HOU 1st to NJ, sources tell Y!"

Poor Maria, probably wishing for a Mulligan.

Blogger Murcy said...
serously, the lakers can finally get rid of vujabitch AND at teh same time take back less salary? excuse me while I puke in the corner... merde

Blogger Will said...
Karc- Jerry Buss and Mikhail Prokorov might as well just mail each other their own turds. It would accomplish just as much.

Anonymous phelan said...
Nets have now managed to get the hottest collection of bball player wives. Sharapova AND Kimmy K? Good lord.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
What? Where's the crabs? NOT a complete revenge kit.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
phelan - Uh, Erin Barry and Eva Longoria?!?!

Anonymous Kyle said...
Steve Smith of NBA tv describing the great first half play of Nick Young versus the Lakers: "That's why they call him Herky-Jerky. He loves the big games."

Ill let the princess bride sum this up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Henry Abbott completely misses the point and asks why people aren't mad at Cliff Lee for going to a stacked team "just like LeBron."

I don't even know where to begin. There are about 999 things different between Cliff Lee and LeBron, starting with the fact that Cliff Lee doesn't have "Chosen 1" tatooed across his back (as far as I know anyway), and ending with the fact that Cliff Lee didn't go on national TV for a full hour only to screw over fans who literally begged him to stay.

Best Part: he spends over half of the words in the article trying to convince the reader that he isn't a LeBron fan-boy, and that ESPN didn't put him up to this joke of an article.

Clearly, he doesn't read Basketbawful, or else he would know why so many people are irritated by LeBron.

-1 Henry

Blogger BadDave said...
AK Dave: +1

Yeah, I'm pretty muchb done with TrueHoop. They're supercilious, mainstream, and have stopped doing what I loved: reviewing all of the internet content. We have enough bungholes spouting off theses about this player or that team; I like the nutshell synopsis of what's up, with a little more follow-up and comments about it. But you know, like any large company they go away from what worked and went with what they think should work.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
It's a dark day in Los Angeles.

Godspeed, Machine...

Wild Yams:
What are you guys going to do without your go-to foul shooter for game 7 of the finals this year??

Anonymous Anonymous said...
http://desmond.yfrog.com/Himg573/scaled.php?tn=0&server=573&filename=2zp.png&xsize=640&ysize=640

Just a heads up. Saw this on twitter.

-SRQman

Blogger BJ said...
The lack of Liquid Heat is a little annoying, but the Hellfire stuff looks like it'll do in a pinch.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
BadDave:

"Supercilious"? Wow, nice word. I don't think I've seen that one since I took the SAT. And that was not recent.

But you're right. The article is subtly patronizing and asks incredulously why on god's green earth people would HATE LeBron but not Cliff Lee? Abbott becomes defensive halfway through his article and starts taking shots at his own readers before they have even read it. Does this mean he knows it's bullshit? Maybe. But yeah, I hadn't visited that site in almost a year, and I won't be going back soon.

Blogger Brigadier Ketchup said...
Anyone else agree that the Joe Smith trade is not going to turn out to be very good for the Lakers, yet will be endlessly hyped as being genius because of Smith's "veteran" presence or whatever he brings at 35 years old. His stats have always sucked, and they suck ever more now that he's 80. The Lakers would be better served by putting a cross on wheels out there.

Blogger Brigadier Ketchup said...
I love that word, BadDave. Supercilious. Very funny.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"Derrick Rose may have your number," President Obama lightheartedly jabbed at Kobe Bryant

'If he calls that number, I'll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring,'" Bryant quipped back

link to poorly written article that contains quotes and goes to extra lengths to explain the joke because people reading ESPNLA are apparently too stupid to get it without the wordy wordy wordy explanation but seriously, that's a great Quote Machine. It makes me look forward to the Heat-Lakers Finals, where afterwards Kobe says something confusingly meta like "I guess you'll have to wait for me to pick up the phone a bit longer."

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Brigadier Ketchup - Uh, it will strictly turn out good for the Lakers because the trade saves them like $9 million for losing nothing.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
AK Dave - My main concern is that The Machine being traded to the Nyets is gonna hurt his standing as the league's most despised player. I've long thought he'd be at the top of most people's list for most hated player in the league due to being a Laker and being such an irritating bitch (and for Laker fans cause he's on the team and sucks). But now that he's no longer a Laker, my guess is he'll fall completely off everyone's radar and may even be out of the league this summer. Such a far tumble for a guy who's been so universally hated.

Brigadier Ketchup - I'm sure Joe Smith can wave a towel on the bench every bit as good as Sasha Vujacic did. The best thing about this trade for the Lakers, as AnacondaHL pointed out, is that it saves them money. They swapped their 12th man (Vujacic) for a new 12th man (Smith). It should (hopefully) have zero impact on the Lakers. Now that Bynum is back, with he, Gasol and Odom healthy, that accounts for all of the quality PF/C minutes on the Lakers. Joe Smith's role will be to hold down a chair on the sidelines unless someone gets hurt, or if Phil needs to empty his bench while the Staples Center crowd is chanting for tacos in garbage time. If you hear someone telling you that Joe Smith is gonna make any kind of meaningful contribution on the court you can tell them they're wrong, cause it's hard to contribute when you're not even playing. Still, Joe Smith and Theo Ratliff will make a pretty great garbage time frontcourt duo...

Blogger zyth said...
the Nets need every help they can get, they are losing players to bloody warmups. case in point : Anthony Morrow and his right hamstring

Anonymous Cetti said...
Someone here wrote something about the correlation of carrer-highs and the warriors. darko earned himself 25, which is a career-high. yeah. i'll just leave it at that.

Blogger KHayes666 said...
Wild Yams....nobody laughed harder than I did when Vujacic played his matador defense so horrible in the 08 Finals that friggin Jeff Van Gundy said he was "sick" of him.

Then, nobody made me cry inside harder than in Game 7 when he sank those 2 free throws. I'll give the devil his due, he came through in crunch time.

If the Lakers make it back to the Finals....can you see Joe Smith doing anything clutch?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
zyth - I watched the whole game, including when they were recapping the timeline and suddenness of the injury, and I swear he actually injured it by jumping into the air when the starting lineups were announced.

And I hope there's a recording of Mike Fratello doing a DRAMATIC READING of Terrance Williams's tweet. If you must, imagine him reading this tweet aloud with a really extended UUPPPPPPPPPPP.

Blogger zyth said...
Anaconda : i ripped my acl when bringing the ball up the court about a month ago just because it was slippery (-.-) but come on. during warmups?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
KHayess666 - If the Lakers make it back to the Finals, I don't think you'll see Joe Smith playing at all unless there's a blowout game. At the same time, if the Lakers hadn't made this trade, I don't think Sasha would have been in there either in any Finals games. This year's Lakers are not the same as last year's Lakers, and Sasha had been moved way down the depth chart due to the surprising emergence of Shannon Brown as well as the additions of Steve Blake and Matt Barnes. Sasha simply wasn't getting any playing time for the Lakers.

In the month of December he recorded a grand total of 9 minutes of playing time, and they all came in one game (the 33 point blowout of Sacramento back on the 3rd). Sasha had only played in 11 games this season, and was averaging less than 5 minutes a game in those 11 games. He was a total non-factor for this year's Laker team, and unless a couple people got hurt, he would have continued to be a non-factor.

Believe me, the Lakers have neither improved nor gotten worse due to this trade. Joe Smith won't play just like Sasha wasn't playing. It's all about finances, but on the court it won't make a lick of difference either way (unless there are injuries).

Anonymous Matt said...
"I love the warning. "Hey, Evil Ted, do you mind if I put a few drops of this liquid into your morning coffee? It'll cause horrific and unstoppable diarrhea. Do you consent to this?" Eh, I'll just assume he did and leave it at that."

Funniest thing I've read in a long time

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