Previous installments: Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. Also check out the official Livin' Large FAQ, Cast List, Flow Chart 1.0, and Flow Chart 2.0.

"These breadsticks are the best," Susan said. As if to drive home that point, she tore off another piece of one, stirred it around in some cheese sauce, and popped it in her mouth. It probably says something about me at the time that I found watching her eat breadsticks mildly erotic. Of course, I was 18 years old. The way my hormones were raging back then, I would have found watching Susan floss or perform simple math to be a turn on.

She was right though: those breadsticks were the best. Back when I was at college, there was a humble little pizza place called the Stripe Shop located in the basement of the Memorial Union. It was classic, and a favorite of the students who camped out in the Union all day to study. It has since been replaced by a diner, which I felt (and still feel) was an affront to humanity. Things change, I guess. Hell, there's even a freaking Starbucks in the Union now. That's not right.

But the here and now is not part of this story. And back in the day, Susan loved to study in the basement of the Union, munching breadsticks and kicking back in one of the many uncomfortable all-wood booths located across from the Stripe Shop. Although I much preferred to study in my room, the chance to hang out with my pledge sister occasionally lured me out of the Mat Cave for some very valuable fresh air. If you could call the confines of that slightly musty basement "fresh air."

"So," Susan asked as I crammed most of a breadstick into my mouth (she had a real talent for making inquiries when my mouth was full), "what's going on with Aimee?"

I had told Susan all about Aimee of course. I suppose a smoother cat would have played coy (read that: lied) and told the girl he was crushing on that he was single and in no particular hurry to be tied down. Not me. No sir, most definitely not me. About a half-second after Susan had asked me if I was dating anybody, I spilled my guts, telling her The Aimee Saga from beginning to end. Not only was this move self-defeating -- there's no better way to kill a girl's interest than to tell her you're in all-out, crazy love with someone else -- it was way too much information. The end result was that Susan developed an instant dislike for Aimee (as did most people I explained the situation to), although she would sometimes ask about the status of our relationship out of what I'm guessing was morbid curiosity. After all, monitoring the situation was like watching a clown car smash headfirst into an oncoming train.

I hesitated. Aimee and I hadn't spoken since our little blowup, and it was embarrassing to admit that what we had might be over for good, both because I had gone on and on and on about how much I loved her and because what we'd had was, well, nothing. It felt like we'd broken up, but, generally speaking, you have to be dating somebody to have a breakup. It's sort of like how you can't play a game of basketball without a basketball.

"Uh, well, we're not exactly talking right now," I said.

"Is there a difference between 'not talking' and 'not exactly talking' or am I missing something?" Susan asked. I couldn't tell if she was curious or being sarcastic. Looking back, it might have been a little of both.

"No. We're just not talking," I admitted reluctantly.

I wouldn't say Susan looked happy, but she certainly appeared satisfied by the news. "That's a relief."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said, getting offended. Again, someone with even a hint of smoothness might have tried to turn this situation to his advantage while talking to the girl he was crushing on. Instead, I got angry and defensive.

"Well, she wasn't very nice to you. She wasn't horrible to you or anything, but she didn't act like someone who wanted to date you, which is what you wanted. Isn't it better to get all that out of the way so you can move on and date someone else?"

Again, this was a perfect opportunity. Not only was she right, she was also the girl I was crushing on. But instead of hitting on her, I insulted her. "You don't understand what I'm going through. I bet you've never even been in love," I said.

Yeah. That was the wrong thing to say.

"Uh, I think I have a little more experience with love than you do," she said. Then she whacked me between the eyes: "And I've actually been loved back."

I deserved that, of course, but I wish she would have done something more merciful, like kick me in the groin.

I must have looked stricken, because Susan immediately apologized and tried to make me feel better by offering me the rest of the breadsticks. It was too late, though. My mood was now a particularly dark shade of black, so I returned to the dorm feeling much, much worse than the shit I'd been feeling like when I left.

When I got back to the room, Mat was in a state of manic panic. He was pacing around our tiny living space saying "Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me" over and over again like a mantra. Whatever was up had him so distracted he didn't even notice me come in. (Or maybe he noticed and just didn't car). He kicked over the trash can. He dug his fingers into the top of his head, which was slick with sweat. He screamed out loud.

Meanwhile, I stood in the doorway transfixed. My giant-of-a-man roommate looked like Scooby Doo during a chase scene. All I could think was: what could possibly freak out a seven-foot, 300-pound black belt in Judo? Was there a band of ninja assassins on the way? Killer robots? Godzilla?

"Dude," I said finally, unable to control my burgeoning curiosity, "are you okay? What's up?"

"Aw, fuck me!" Mat said. He looked totally helpless, on the verge of tears even. "I'm out. I'm kicked out!"

He'd been kicked out?! I felt this crazy surge of excitement. "What? Why?" I asked. I needed all the details. Not because I cared or anything like that, but because I wanted to make sure he'd really been kicked out before I got my hopes up.

"My teachers called, all of dem," he said. "I guess dey've been calling for duh last couple weeks. Dey failed me, man. Dey failed me out for not going to class!"

"All of them?" I asked.

"Yes!" he said and I honestly thought he was going to cry. "I didn't know, man, I didn't know!"

"Didn't know you were supposed to go to class?"

"I didn't know you could get kicked out for not going!" he said, knocking some books off his desk.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, hoping that he'd say something like "pack my things and take the next flight back to Holland."

"Aw, fuck me, I gotta call Coach D." Coach D was the assistant coach in charge of recruiting. From what I'd gathered by talking to Mat, he also spent a fair amount of time monitoring the freshman players because, well, he'd recruited them.

Mat made the call. He had to try a few different numbers, but he finally got a hold of Coach D.

"Coach D," he said, "aw man, Coach D, I'm in big trouble!" He then spent several minutes awkwardly trying to explain a situation that boiled down to "I failed all my classes because I never showed up to any of them."

Once Mat was done explaining, he said, "Coach D, I'm sorry. It's my fault, it's all my fault, but it's so confusing. I don't understand what I'm s'posed to do 'cause I'm not from here."

Wait...was he playing the "I'm a foreigner" card? Really?!

"Okay, okay I understand," he said, after which he hung up and resumed pacing around the room. I was mildly disappointed that his panic seemed slightly less panicky.

"So, uh, what's up?" I asked.

"Coach D said he's gotta make some calls," Mat replied.

Then all we could do was wait. After another half hour or so of pacing, Mat finally turned on MTV and collapsed into his giant chair. He wasn't watching TV though, not really. He was totally zoned out. It looked like he was trying to accept his fate.

A little over an hour later, the phone rang. Mat just stared at it for a moment, then leapt to his feet to answer it. "Hello?" he said. Then he listened very intently for the next several minutes.

Finally, and to my great disappointment, Mat hooted in triumph. "Aw, thank you, Coach D! Aw, thanks, man! You saved my life!"

Coach D said something that caused Mat to calm down. "Yeah, Coach D. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, I will. I will. I know. I will. Aw, thank you, Coach D. Thank you so much. Okay. Tomorrow. Yeah." Then he hung up.

"Yeah!" he screamed, pumping his fist in the air.

"What happened?" I asked. The curiosity was killing me.

"I'm not failed out!" he yelled. "I'm back in all my classes with a 'C' as long as I do my homework and go to most of the rest of duh classes dat are left."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said. My disappointment was probably pretty obvious, but he didn't notice. He was too busy celebrating.

"Nope!" he said in answer to my question. "No joke!" Then he put his hand up for a high-five, which I did, mostly because I was in shock.

"Wow," I said. "that's...amazing."

"I know," Mat said, dropping back into his chair with a deep, self-satisfied sigh. "It's good to be a baller!" He pronounced it "ballah."

I sat back down at my desk. I was stunned. Forget the fact that my roommate had been saved from his own laziness and stupidity. I couldn't believe that my school's athletic program would engage in that kind of academic dishonesty. Changing five grades from an "F" to a "C" was a pretty big switcharoo. I suddenly realized I'd been naive to assume that this sort of cheating only went on at the "bad" schools.

Once the relief had fully set in, Mat started making some phone calls so he could relate his Near Fail Experience. I had to listen to him retell the story a half dozen times, and each time he made himself sound like some sort of conquering hero. He was so happy that, after he finished his last phone call, he showered, got dressed up and went out, presumably to party.

I guess it really was good to be a baller.

Part 15

Labels: , ,

Blogger Unknown said...
Have my babies bawful

Anonymous Geert said...
Woah. This is wrong on so many levels. It really makes me wonder how many basketballplayers actually end up in a career that had something to do with what they studied in college, and if they know enough to do their work.

I guess it's a good thing for them that ex-ballers become coaches or game-analysts.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How you constantly blew obvious opportunities, and still managed to hang around with girls is beyond me.

Great installment btw, keep em coming!

Anonymous Your Mother said...
You're totally killing any college-credibility in the U.S. of Aw-fuck-me. =D
When the series is finished, you should meet Mathieu again. TMZ is already interested ;)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
That's so unfair!

Anyway, have a good flight back to the States.

Blogger chris said...
(not the Chris who posted that first comment...)

So the way to a girl's heart is a box of breadsticks?

Anonymous: Obviously, we know that Matholomew here eventually gets together with Aimee and Susan at varying points.

In other words, either he learned some smooth (cue up the sweet sounds of Donald Fagen and Michael McDonald's yacht rock!) or...they actually liked his sheepish existence as a nerd.

Can someone tell me where people looking for the latter are? :P

Blogger Unknown said...
I wish I was a little bit taller

Blogger Dan B. said...
I actually lost count of how many times I facepalmed during your conversation with Susan in this entry. Simply amazing, Matt.

Blogger Gary said...
actually I am shocked they even threatened to throw Mat out.

outstanding post, btw

Anonymous Anonymous said...
As a fellow graduate of this unnamed university, I was apparently a bit naive as well. This was stuff UNLV and others were doing at the time, not alma mater U. Makes me a bit queasy.

How did your roomate end up in the States? Was he recruited overseas? Back then international recruitement was pretty hard and to some extent it still is.

Second question: Do you think Big Mat has ever fallen in the "Friends zone"? Or this just happens to people who tend to get involved with emotions and think too much. Thinking and deep emotions don't work together way.

I had a room-mate once who stated his goal in his personal life was to sleep with as many women as possible. His only troubles were to hide his affairs and sleeping around, no real emotion involved (at least on the outside)

Blogger Nick said...
Coach D sounds like Worldwide Wes.

Anonymous dadamstein said...
So I found myself saying "f*** me" yesterday after a brutal boot camp class workout. But back around the time this story is taking place, I had a friend from California who would say "f*** me running" when he made a brutal turnover while plyaing ball...

My question is this - with all of your pent up sexual frustation, when did you take the edge off? When Mat was gone, when Mat was sleeping? When???

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I remember those breadsticks. They were awesome!

If you recall, the Men's team paid dearly for real violations the following years thanks to Luther. What a douchebag!

Great story. I was there from 92-97 (yeah 5 years, save it). Good times, good times..

Anonymous Anonymous said...
chris - I have a second theory to go with my finger horns theory for Bawful's magnetism. Perhaps it's the Celtics green Bawful shorts. While not so good for dates, perhaps that particular shade of green has some mystical hold over women like red does for a bull? Or maybe Bawful invoked the power of Larry Bird daily through them?

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Mat's problems are too easy to solve. You could already see the academic dishonesty coming. I can't wait to find out he didn't go to class and still passed.

In other news, you were oblivious to the fact that Susan was leading you directly to you telling her that you wanted her. Saw that one coming.

Blogger Unknown said...
Hey. Math is sexy.


Don't judge me!

Blogger Japes said...

Anonymous Andrew said...
Breadsticks seem to be the food equivalent of the weather, as something to talk about to get someone's attention, or to potentially bridge the awkward silence.

As for the grades thing, I'm a fan of Team X, too, and it's sadly ironic that a few years later a Team X assistant coach would get in trouble with the NCAAs for allegedly arranging for a bad loan for...another player who didn't play a whole lot.

Anonymous TehJay said...
Just wanted to say that I'm loving this story/mini-series/epic, despite the fact that it consistently reminds me of how much of a loser I was in college.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Damn I thought that no NBA action would be boring !! F*** the NBA, tell us more !!! :-D

Anonymous Tropical Fats said...
I'm a fellow grad (class of '93) of Large Midwestern University, and I was a lab TA for a low 100-level computer science class. Another ballah, the second-best player on the team after Future NBA All-Star, was enrolled in this class but not in my section. I heard from his TA that he almost never went to class, and yet was never in any hot water over grades. I assume this was not because he was a computer savant.

We Large Midwestern University grads like to tell ourselves that our school is clean, that the few problems it has had with the NCAA are aberrations. It saddens me to find more evidence that it's not exactly true.

As I side note, I only once saw Famous Head Coach in person, in a bank. What you didn't get from seeing him on TV was how huge a man he was. He didn't look big standing next to a bunch of basketball players, but he's like 6'3" or so and was built like a linebacker, at least 20 years ago. I wouldn't have wanted to have him mad at me!

Anonymous stan said...
Hi, I love this blog, very much like my experience in the first year of Leeds University, in England, when I roomed with a rugby player!

Would like to see what this 'Mat' really looks like, any links, with his faced covered perhaps!!!!!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Howard: You're damn right simple math is sexy.

Two scientists are at a bar. The first says, "It's sad to see the state of science and mathematics in this country. Too few people have an understanding of the basics."
The second replies, "Well that's not true, I'm sure many people atleast know some calculus."
"Want to bet on it?", the first asks.
"Sure. When the waitress brings us the check, I'll ask her a calculus problem, and if she gets it right you pay the check."

So the night goes on, and while the first scientist is in the bathroom, the second calls over the waitress.
"Hey, when you bring us the check, I'm going to ask you a math question. Can you memorize the answer 'x squared over 2'?"
"Sure thing sweetie," she replies.

Later, the waitress brings over the check. The second scientist asks: "Hey, I have a math question. What is the integral of x with respect to x?"
She replies, "x squared over 2".
The first scientist looks shocked as the second pumps his fist, handing the first the bill.

As the waitress is leaving with the check, she turns around and smiles: "Oh, plus a constant."

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Totally off topic here, but this is the essence of Basketbawful: Stephon Marbury is doing a live 24 hour webcast all day today (we're about 2 and a half hours into it, I think) where people can Twitter him what they'd like him to do. Here's the link. At some point down the road we need to get some kind of Survivor-esque reality show starring Steph, Ron Artest and other former NBA crazies (after their careers are over). I don't ever watch reality TV, but I'd sure as hell watch that.

Anonymous Geert said...
Wild Yams: awesome idea. Maybe Rodman, Sprewell and Laimbeer can tag along too. Last man standing wins his career back.

Blogger tonious35 said...

How did this day with those two events happening one by one feel? It must of felt like a blackhole was triggered in your gut and sucking you in. I was from Canada and from a University in Toronto called Ryerson, I don't really know if our athletes get THAT much slack from all the profs due to the athletics programs, and also the fact that almost no games are nationally televised and we do totally suck if the Canuck Ballers compared to the 'States. Do the profs piss themselves if they are being negotiated by the ****** basketball program? Not to give out identities...does that head coach look like a troll in a suit?

Anonymous GigJunkie said...
Just read all 14 parts back to back!!!!

One of the best reads in ages!

I need more!!!!

Blogger Victor said...
Wow. I can only assume after saying "You don't understand what I'm going through," Bawful went into a time machine to the future and cried himself to sleep listening to Simple Plan.

Anaconda: I chuckled. Math jokes always makes me think of this shirt.

Anonymous Adam said...
Hey, loving the series but one question keeps coming to my mind: How in the world did Mat end up getting involved in basketball in the first place if he wasn't that good AND he seemed to lack any kind of enthusiasm about the sport (at least from what we've heard so far)? The guy was apparently quite skilled in martial arts so he could have easily stuck with that, so who was it who convinced him to go to basketball?

Word verification: crumi
Matt's ability to pick up on subtle clues from females was crumi.

Blogger Unknown said...
This is kickass. Beats my first year out of the water..

As a fellow grad of this university (96-2000) I'm enjoying this story. This installment makes me really sad though. Maybe I've been too naive, but I always thought my school's indiscretions were few, far between, and not THIS bad. This part of the story has me really bummed out.

I'm very curious as to who "Coach D" is. I would have assumed it would be "Coach F. K." but then I don't know where the "D" came from.

Tropical Fats: I've never had the pleasure of meeting Famous Head Coach in person, but there is a reason why he looked like he was built like a linebacker. He was one. He briefly played LB for the Steelers back in the day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
bawful, sorry to be WAY off topic with this...but, I thought I remembered Mat living in NW3 of your dorm. Is that right? If so, did you still live in the hall a couple of years later when the kid shot his RA and himself?


Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Victor: The woman I see wearing that shirt I will ask to be my wife. You know, as long as she's hot. And swallows.

Blogger Clive Punchkitty said...
Little Matt,

Thank you for sharing this story, even in the face of myriad facts and events that don't paint you as the stud I am sure you are today. You were obviously a stand up guy although I doubt I would have tolerated your prudish tendencies even at the age of 18; being the underage-binge-drinking, tail-chasing fool that I was.

Yet I wish I could look back on a young adulthood that was filled with more of the types of choices you made than the ones I tended towards. Your remembered nerdism is far more compelling reading than Big Mat's rock stardom.

Anonymous F*** IU! said...
Bawful - This series is unreal! Thank you for sharing, its been such a fun read and I officially now know why women read trashy novels and watch soaps - because its great stuff! Keep it up and please tell us this ends with you 'becoming a man'... Having gone to said school, I'm a bit disappointed in hearing about Mat's academic exploits and getting away with it... but I am not envious of the realizations you must have made after stepping back and thinking about all the chances you had to score in college. I hope you ended up becoming the biggest stud as a sophomore after these experiences. Thanks again!

Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
Dear and admired all-time fucking-great Basketbawful:

I actually like these college stories, but when are they going to end? I need you back to basketball stories, sarcasms, and critics filling my envy to pro players for earning money instead of me for playing (or acting as they really play) basketball.

I don't want you to cut off the series but I encourage you to end the suffering. Mat is killing my hope in human beings.

After all, can somebody type the math shirt, I'm not an English-native (never been close) speaker and I can't translate it.

Don't hate me so much.
I wear glasses.

Anonymous samantha said...
I'm surprised there's nothing on Basketbawful about Jordan Crawford (Xavier player) dunking on LeBron's skill camp! Please tell me you've seen the footage...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Victor - That shirt is beyond awesome.

AnacondaHL - You'll probably have to wade through a mile of nerds just to get to her.

Update - Nike is returning the confiscated tapes. Coincidence that this happened right after video of the dunk got released? I don't know which party is responsible and why they bothered to confiscate the videos. If Nike and/or Lebron was trying to cover it up originally, they sure aren't doing themselves any favors now. If they weren't a part of some big conspiracy, they sure are defending an innocent person all the way to death row...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
When I was a student at a large, West Coast University, I took a class that a future NFL star was enrolled in. He never showed up class. As sad as it is, I bet this type of academic dishonesty happens at every university with a competitive sports program.

Anonymous samantha said...
Yeah, the Nike/LeBron coverup is such a joke. If they hadn't made such a big stink about it now, we wouldn't still be talking about it.

Well, maybe we would. LeBron's a tool.

Word Verification: lowelat
Matt was not good at jump-starting his lowelat.
(Attempt at using Mat's accent for "love life")

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are not including the player's name and school because of this installment. From my experience, if a student does not show up for the first two weeks of class, they are dropped by default so that other students who are on a waiting list can still get in. In addition to letting this "player" back into the class after getting the boot, changing the grade without merit from a failing grade to a passing grade to keep eligibility is a serious NCAA violation.

You're a better man than I, Bawful. I would totally have buried this guy.

So LeBron not only covered up an average dunk, but he also smokes pot and yells at his mother on national TV. Let's hope that Shaq can calm him down by raising his antics to an all-time high so that the focus is on O'Neal instead.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Amazing. Simply amazing. For those of you (like me) who haven't been able to follow Stephon Marbury's crazy ass today on UStream...

Blogger Unknown said...
Bawful, referred here by popbitch

Awesome read, even for one from NZL who hasn't seen any ball since Bird

And nice to know I wasn't the worst ever with women - hope you do get laid one day ;)

I surmise that we can put that mutant memory of yours down to a lack of beer and pot back in tha day

write on, brother!

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I agree lebron's a tool
even blamed some of his high school jerkyness on adults O.o
grew up?? nope not one bit
apparently lebron can't take all the blame only share it and make it seem like it's not his fault

Media will always give him a passthough, (NBA invoked rule stating you must suck up to refs and lebron)

Blogger BoilerRunner08 said...

You know that Starbucks makes more money in a day during the school year that many of us could not make in a month.

You have to give it to them, lol.

I have spent too many hours in that Union, and could not imagine it without the coffee, thank god for caffine!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ooh, nice-- unrated version today. No more f***. There it is: fuck. All four letters in their filthy glory.

Blogger Micah said...
Oh, that shirt is fantastic. Just IMed my girlfriend with the picture. She was very amused.

Adria: It's the integral from 10 to 13 of 2xdx. Do the math and be amused (and, if you don't know how to do the math, how many numbers can it really be?).

Anonymous Scott Pollard (Not AK Dave) said...
So does Mat (ballah) know about Cheryl Miller?

All the ballahs know.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
As a fellow graduate of this unnamed university, I was apparently a bit naive as well. This was stuff UNLV and others were doing at the time, not alma mater U. Makes me a bit queasy.

Actually, I attended an ACC school that once beat UNLV in the NCAA Tournament in 1991, and allegedly has a good academic reputation. One of the players of a team in the late 70's lived in my suite and had problems with multiplication and spelling... And graduated in four years.

Everyone does it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You think maybe the coach was gaming Big Mat a little. First, you can't get kicked out midterm at this school. Grades must be final. Second, this fine institution lost its best player to grades three years earlier and ten years after lost their major post presence mid-year from a highly ranked team (for a class in Portugese of all things). Can't imagine they would bend so many rules for a slug.

Given coach got back to him in an hour at night, the result of F to C was the same for all and Mat seems to have found out all at once, I'm thinking coach knew of his attendance habits and conspired with the profs to light a fire under his ass. I guess you'll be telling us soon whether it worked.

Keep it up!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
livin large is the best article around!

Blogger Aaron M said...
Actually, I attended an ACC school that once beat UNLV in the NCAA Tournament in 1991, and allegedly has a good academic reputation. One of the players of a team in the late 70's lived in my suite and had problems with multiplication and spelling... And graduated in four years. Everyone does it.

I go here right now. Seems similar. Our current star forward definitely isn't coddled, he's an art major and a really damn good one who definitely puts some effort into that aspect of his so-called education. I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of the lower rungs on the roster get that kind of treatment, though. Some of them are pretty dumb.

It's weird. You hear so much about the Derrick Rose types, but it seems like in general it's the people like Mat who get the most leeway -- the people who don't really have all that much value to the team or the school as a player but get coddled entirely because of their Tremendous Upside Potential. Pretty sad, though at this point it's just part of NCAA basketball...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I was just checking in hopes of a new post and got a word verification: revel.
I'm reveling in the awesome glow of livin large

Blogger debot5318 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Okay, Evil Ted and I got trapped in New York thanks to a three-hour flight delay on the Pisa end. I was too knocked out to jump on the 'Net last night. I've got 10 minutes before I have to shower and head to JFK. So...some quick replies...

chris (who isn't "lacktion" chris) -- I am currenty unable to physically bear children myself, barring some sort of B-level comedy movie operation. Which is good, since I'd look dreadful in a maternity smock. Still, thanks for the offer!

Geert -- That's a good question. Going into my freshman year, I knew there was academic dishonesty, I just figured it was limited to the superstars. Turns out it's unlimited for everybody.

Anonymous #1 -- "How you constantly blew obvious opportunities, and still managed to hang around with girls is beyond me." Well, ever notice how you'll sometimes see girls dating idiots? There you go.

YourMother -- Only if I'm inside a shark cage. Or a robot suit.

bluefromhere -- The flight's been crappy so far...but grazia!

chris (as in "laction" chris) -- Eh, I learned a little more smooth in college and (as BadDave will attest) quite a bit more smooth after it. I mean, can't you tell? Look at all the people I'm seducing right now.

Cubee -- Try a magic chicken's foot.

Dan B. -- Yeah. I have a great many facepalms with Susan. Remind me later to tell you all about what happened the first time I met her brother.

Raymond Blitzfucker -- He actually attended "prep school" in the U.S. and was recruited from there. And I doubt he ever fell into the Friend Zone, at least in college. The minute a girl wouldn't sleep with him, he'd have been gone.

dadamstein -- "My question is this - with all of your pent up sexual frustation, when did you take the edge off? When Mat was gone, when Mat was sleeping? When???" I was almost always too nervous to try, given Mat's unpredictable appearances. It was...terrible. Maybe THAT'S why I hated him so much.

Anonymous -- "If you recall, the Men's team paid dearly for real violations the following years thanks to Luther. What a douchebag!" And it was the same assistant coach who committed those violations. Also, nothing wrong with five years. I did it too. (Although I did end up with two degrees.)

Crap, gotta wrap this up. More replies later!

Anonymous bloksterism said...
wow. learning that mat had been allowed to continue "studying" is like the 1996 chicago bulls losing to the 2006 miami heat in a battle of champions.

Anonymous M said...
i had a dude in my earlier years of high school who used to state f*** me dead after just about anything that happened.
How that ever caught on at large i shall never know...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Not related to LL, but did anyone get online with Starbury? That cat is weird.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
AnacondaHL - Even Kevin Arnovitz is getting in on your flowchart with a post on Truehoop. Bravo good sir, bravo. I mean, I am totally not at all jealous of this...

Bawful - Did the airline give you any hassle over having to stay the night? I know it's customary, but I hear some airlines are starting to act like douche cakes about it.

Anonymous comb over said...
This is by far the greatest thing and after attending this real Indiana University, this takes me back. My fellow fraternity member turned me on to this and I've read everything. This will be forwarded to my fraternity alum email group. Thank you bawful!

Anonymous AdamN said...
Matt - This is great stuff.
I am a '95 alum and have to admit that I have never regularly read a blog, but this is fantastic! (I have shared this with many of my college friends)
But a quick reality check....Mat gets called by ALL of his professors on the same day, mid-semester? Mat calls Frank and within an hour he has contacted ALL of the professors and they ALL agree to just change his grade from failing to a 'C.'
This did not happen. Coach K set him up to light a fire under his arse.
Trust me, I knew too many athletes very well while there (including 'Future NFL 6-time Pro-Bowl, Superbowl Champion'), and they did not get this kind of treatment.

Blogger flyE said...
Fantastic story -- and thanks for sharing. I think writing about my freshman year in college would make me hate myself too too much.

Victor- great shirt. As Micah suggests you can assume the answer without doing the math. But then again, WolframAlpha kicks ass:

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
NarSARSsist: Wow, thanks for that! I don't really know what to say...

But here's what I'll do for Basketbawful. I've noticed a lot of links are being generated towards Part 1, but they don't really lead to the next section. So I'll edit in a hyperlink at the bottom of each section.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Be more in denial AdamN - whats worse that Mat's grades were changed, or that he admittedly wasn't going to any classes and still was able to stay there 4 years, or for one semester for that matter? Get serious, this happens everywhere, even at your beloved U.

Blogger Unknown said...
followed link from popbitch, just read all back to back, addicted does not come close, more please!

Aimee and Cindy are both complete bints by the sound of it.

So he went to prep school, whatever this means, in the US, and no one saw his bawfulness prior to recruiting him? Did he get any offers from other schools?

Anonymous stan said...
lol sarah, do the yanks know what a bint is!!!

You are getting a massive following over here in the UK, due to popbitch, please give us the next chapter!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Raymond B,

I believe what actually happened with Mat re: high school is he came over from the Netherlands with the intent of playing one year of HS ball in the US. The governing body for HS athletics in his new state (the same one in which he went to college) ruled he had already completed a high school education and did not allow him to play on the varsity. He therefore played on the JV, and sadly, there is no recollection of him dominating even at that level.

His recruitment would not even have happened had his college not been stood up at the last minute by an all-America big man who ended up with a conference rival, coached then by the now head of discipline in the NBA.

Anonymous iamhe77 said...
Haha! Remind me again why you refused to name your school???

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful, I think you're completely wrong about letting Susan know you were unattached. For some reason, women seem to think there's something wrong with a guy who's not in a relationship. It's like the old expression, it's easy to get a job if you already have a job.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Matt how dare you take the weekend off with the aimee-cindy-susan cliffhanger...

Anonymous Z said...
Yo bawful
please post man
im feeling lonely
and i want your humour to comfort me :(
but dude
post already

Blogger David Whang said...
I've been readin dis blog fo years now and it's really good.

Specially dis story here about dem little mat and big mats.

Keep up da good work.

Anonymous Geert said...
Z: that's one fine piece of postmodern poetry, dude.

WV: centai. 'Big Matt called his centai to fix the mess he was in.'

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
You need to see this

Blogger Basketbawful said...
To the anonymous commenter who's been trying to flame this post with "you are a fraud" comments -- You're never going to get a comment published by trying to flame me anonymously. But feel free to keep wasting your time. It kind of amuses me.

Blogger Victor said...
Anonymous fraud guy is simply try to say "I have never experienced anything remotely interesting or exciting in my life so I cannot fathom anything interesting happening to anyone else. Therefore, as a coping mechanism, I will accuse you of lying, because your life makes me and my miserable life feel inadequate."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Just to answer a few questions to posters. remember this guy was 7'2" universities will offer scholarships to kids this big even if they demonstate the slightest bit of athleticism. they can teach BBall but not heighth...see Dikembe Mutumbo and Hasheem Thabeet. Also to say all big time schools do this academically is a diservice to other schools. i was involved with a Big east institution for 17 years that had mandatory attendance for it's BBall players in class and mandatory nightly study halls,and mandatory summer school every Bball player graduated in those 17 years but 1. FYI not ND

Anonymous Chris Tark/Wiley 96-00 said...
Fantastic narrative.

And I cannot agree enough that the Stripe Shop breadsticks were possibly the greatest food found in {college town}.

Anonymous Jared said...
I am a student of Large Midwestern University right now. Last year, I had a math class with a basketball player who is inevitably another Future NBA Star, and i am happy to say that he attended every class we had, all three days of the week, unless of course he was traveling for games. I like to think that most of the student athletes are decent people, unlike Big Mat. :)

Blogger Unknown said...
I was at your college from 89-93. Lived in Owen Hall right next to our current basketball coach. While he was next door, and had a girlfriend at home, he lined up booth calls pretty much all the time. He'd finish one up, escort the girl to the stairs (we lived on the 3rd floor), then go run to the phone to tell the next girl that he was ready for her to come over. While he was waiting, he'd run to the shower, wash his dick off (he told me, I didn't watch for crissakes) and go to his dorm room to wait for the next girl to knock.

It's funny watching him now talk about Jesus and family. I wish I had my phone camera in 89 so I could call bulls hit on him, since over time at our college he really turned into a complete douchebag. Whereas he was a cool guy as a freshman, years of being a baller at our school gave him a great sense of entitlement.