Orlando Magic: The Pistons put a halt to their eight-game losing streak at the expense of the Magic. In Orlando, no less. Dwight Howard 21 points (7-for-12) and 13 rebounds, but the Pistons contained him -- and the rest of the magic -- fairly easily down the stretch. And I know this is gonna shock you, but Stan Van Gundy was slightly perturbed about Detroit's relentless pwnership of his team: "One thing is you get tired of getting your (butt) kicked. It's like the kid on the playground who’s getting beat up all the time and he takes it and runs home. At some point, enough's enough, and he stands up for himself." He's still waiting for his guys to stand up to the Pistons. Obviously.

Allen Iverson: Huh. He sits out with a sore back and suddenly the Pistons are good again. Fancy that.

The Chicago Bulls: So President Barack Obama invites them to the White House and then actually shows up to their game against the Wizards to watch them play...and they get beaten by 23 by the worst team in the Eastern Conference. There's Fail and then there's Epic Fail. Guess which category this one falls into. Bonus stats: The Bulls shot 39 percent, bonked 13 free throws and gave up 19 offensive rebounds. Bonus quote: "I'm speechless right now. To come in here and lose to the Wizards by 23 points, it's inexcusable," said Ben Gordon, who had as many misses as points (11). "I don't know what to say. We didn't do anything well tonight."

The Boston Celtics: After they barely beat the Danny Granger-less (and Mike Dunleavy Jr.-less) Pacers in Boston, even respected journalists like Peter May were semi-gushy about the Celtics-Marbury marriage. Me? I'm filled with terror, particularly after Boston hit nearly 53 percent of their shots both from the field and beyond the arc and yet couldn't shake a pesky Indiana team minus their best player. That's a bad sign...right?

Jim O'Brien, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Regarding Ray Allen, the Pacers coach said: "You give him six inches and he puts it down."

Mike Bibby: His line against the Heat: Zero points (0-for-7), 2 boards, 2 assists, a block and 2 fouls in 19 minutes. When did he transform into Matt Maloney?

The Philadelphia 76ers: File this one under "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others." Despite building a 22-point first-half lead and getting a mindboggling 52-24 advantage in free throw attempts -- home cooking, anyone? -- the Knicks almost came back to steal this one behind...Larry Hughes?! Yes. Larry Hughes, who scored 25 points (9-for-16) and nailed a trio of triples to fuel the New York rally. I would say that being able to stop Larry Hughes is usually a prerequisite to non-mediocrity. Speaking of wins that aren't as good as others...

The New Orleans Hornets: They almost coughed up a home game against the Milwaukee Bucks by blowing a 17-point lead with four minutes remaining. And they pulled it out only because Tyson Chandler -- also known as "The Guy The Tried To Give Away" -- tipped in a missed shot with 3.3 seconds left to give the Hornets a one-point win. The Bucks hit six straight threes in the final 3:22, the last of which gave them a 94-93 lead with 10.5 ticks left on the clock. Memo to the Hornets: It's called a hand in the face, and you really should try it sometime. Said Hornets coach Byron Scott: "I won't even talk about the first 30 minutes because right now the taste in my mouth is the last seven or eight. My first words were my initials, and that’s not good. We were looking at the scoreboard and hoping it would just run out."

The Dallas Mavericks: They were JUST able to pull out a two-point overtime win at home against the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I guess Kevin Durant can keep any team in the...wait, what? Durant left seven minutes into the first quarter because of a sprained right ankle? And the Mavs STILL struggled to beat the Thunder in Dallas? Wow. The Thunder actually led by 12 midway through the fourth quarter before Dirk Nowitzki found his clutchocity. But at least Dirk was honest about the quality of the victory: "It was definitely a lucky win. It doesn't happen very often when you're down that much that late and come back."

The Toronto Craptors: It was the ultimate battle of Man versus Beast as the Craptors got a Shaq-Fu blast from the past: The Big Creaky scored 45 points on 20-for-25 shooting. It was the 49th 40-point game of Shaq's career and the first time he's hammered an opponent that badly since he scored 48 for the Lakers against Boston on March 21, 2003.

Chris Bosh, who got repeatedly victimized by the Diesel and can probably expect to be in at least three or four new Shaq posters soon, was a little sour grapy after the game: "He was just camping down in the lane. I mean, if they're not calling three seconds -- I thought it was a rule, but I guess not." Somebody get Bosh a sponge for those tears, and fast.

Update! When told about what Bosh had to say, Shaq talked back: "I heard what Chris Bosh said, and that's strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men. I'm going to do the same thing (in their next meeting) I did before - make him quit. Make 'em quit and complain. It's what I do." Snap!

Shaq, The Big Quote Machine: "I think I'm the only player who looks at each and every center and says to myself, 'That's barbecued chicken down there.'"

Jake Voskuhl: Basketbawful reader Vaanhalen wrote in to say:

Tonight Shaq had a monster night -- the best offensive night he's had since the 2003, dropping 45 points on a confused Raptors team. As usual, Dominant Big Man + Voskuhl On the Court = You Know What In Record Time. A 6:4 Voskuhl. The best part? Lets let ESPN share in the fun.

From ESPN's recap: "Toronto decided against double-teaming Shaq most of the night, and the results were disastrous for the Raptors in their 10th straight loss to Phoenix, whether the defender was Andrea Bargnani, Chris Bosh or Jake Voskuhl, who fouled out in eight minutes."

Who the hell fouls out in 8 minutes of playing time? I'll tell you who. Mr. V himself.
More from Basketbawful reader Colin G.: "Guaranteed that Chris will touch on this, but this may deserve mention on its own. From Doug Smith's Toronto (C)Raptors Blog: 'Action: Jake's quick night. Reaction: A record setter. I know I put this is the in-game blog last night but I’m not sure everyone here reads there so this requires repeating. When Jake Voskuhl fouled out in 7:30 it was the fastest disqualification in Raptor history. The previous was nine minutes, by Roger Mason Jr. in an April, 2004 game against Chicago. And Voskuhl almost fouled for the cycle. Not only did he get the six personals, he also picked up a technical. If he’d got a technical after his sixth personal, it would have been a perfect night."

The Los Angeles Lakers: Record-wise, the Lakers are the best team in the league and the consensus pick to make it to and probably win the NBA Finals this year. Nonetheless, they still had their second-worst shooting night (29.8 percent) since the franchise moved to L.A. nearly 50 years ago. And, in fact, it took a breakaway layup by Jordan Farmar with 5.1 seconds left to avoid beating the old worst-ever record of 29.4 percent set against the Utah Jazz on November 3, 2004. Speaking of the 2004-05 season, this was a classic right-after-Shaq-left Kobe game, as Mamba scored 29 points on 31 shots and missed all six of his three-point attempts.

Grouched Phil Jackson: "That was a garbage game, no doubt about it. I wish we could repay the fans some money for that game. Neither team played very well, but they played better than us."

The San Antonio Spurs: After the Houston defense stuffed LeBron James on Thursday night, many news outlets and blogs -- this one included -- spelled out the formula for putting King Crab in a broiler and watching him cook and named San Antonio as one of the teams capable of playing chef to LeBron's main entree. Yeah, well, we might need to rethink that one: James did pretty much whatever he wanted, scoring 30, grabbing 14 and dishing 4 as the Craboliers had their way with the Tim Duncan-less Spurs. I'm guessing any anti-LeBron defense would have to start with Timmy manning the painted rectangle. Tony Parker was 3-for-16 and scored only 11 points.

Clippers versus Kings: On Saturday morning, I received an email from chris titled "A night at the flopera: a brief recrap of Clippers vs. Kings."

Sure, the usual game stories focus on all the "drama" that happened, and the "key plays," but this is Basketbawful and this is a matchup of two forty-plus loss teams -- with tickets easy to find, the total attendance ending up being 4000 or so short of a sellout. AND when both terrible squads combine for 96 bricks, I think there's less drama here than in an episode of Scooby Doo. So instead I think the visual evidence of fail will suffice....

First off is a full load of floppery.

My friend Jeff made a quick but rather appropriate Photoshop on a Mardy Collins mock seizure.

But my favorite was this Nocioni special.

Next is a collection of building blocks even a kid spoiled on Duplo pieces can enjoy!

And several actual made shots amongst the giveaways and grinding: first three quarters and the fourth quarter, not counting the last few minutes of on-court time

To close out the game, Kenny Natt used Cedric Simmons as his broker with a 3.1 trillion!

In the midst of Cedric's human victory cigar stint, a nice Mike Taylor flying elbow attempt provided the martial arts for the evening.

BONUS COVERAGE: Between the 3rd and the 4th, we had our "fan shooting contest" where the guy's daughter actually won $50 betting against him making it from half-court! (The man then won $300 making it from downtown.)

So there you have it -- live bawful from the lacktion reporter results in an on-court jackpot! With the Grizzlies and Thunder coming to town in the following weeks, there are plenty more opportunities for the superstars of lacktivity (I'm talking about you, Greg Buckner) to make a non-impression at the Maloofs' Madhouse. Stay tuned.
Stephen Jackson: It's hard to blame Captain Jack for all the Warrior woe after they dropped a home game to the Charlotte Bobcats, but I'm doing it anyway: Golden State was down by 1 point with 2.9 seconds left and had possession of the ball, but Jackson threw away the inbounds pass to destroy whatever teeny chance his squad had to pull out the meaningless victory. Said Jax: "Bad pass by me, terrible pass. I was assuming [C.J. Watson would] pop out more to get the ball and I led him too much. Bad pass by me. My fault." Stephen had a game-high 5 TOs, by the way.

Saturday lacktivity report: chris sat threw Clippers-Kings AND submitted a lacktion report. Dude is a freaking machine. Stand aside, Sasha Vujacic.

Pistons-Magic: After several weeks of either not playing or providing positive numbers for the Pistons, Arron Affalo is back to putting on the on-court bling with a 3.6 trillion that no doubt will be noticed on Eight Mile!

Bulls-Wizards: Sure, the Bulls came to the Phone Booth to play the Generals, but Anthony Roberson was the one looking like the designated clown tonight with one rejection and three bricks (twice from downtown) for a suck differential of +4 in 2:52!

Hawks-Heat: Miami's Chris Quinn had a one-foul +1 in 3:02, while All-Lacktion teammate Joel Anthony assisted his way out of a suck differential, only to not attempt any shots in 8:23 or get any boards for a 3:0 Voskuhl via fouls.

Blazers-Wolves: Michael Ruffin won the role of Portland's human victory cigar with a one-foul +1 in 2:48.

Lakers-Nuggets: Surprise, surprise -- no, not the Lakers losing, but the fact that Johan Petro started for Denver! While he rebounded and blocked a shot in his 8:29 stint, his lack of shot attempts guaranteed him a Voskuhl of 5:1 after four fouls and a turnover!

Raptors-Suns: Two of the Little Three of Lacktivity -- Jake Voskuhl and ex-Celtic Patrick O'Bryant - made it to the floor tonight for the Craptors, and racked up non-contributory ball against Phoenix. Jake Voskuhl earned his namesake stat in 7:30 despite a field goal, two rebounds, and a blocked shot, fouling out at 6:4 (including accruing a technical). O'Bryant gave up the rock once and was whistled down by the refs twice for a +3 in 3:30, also good for his very Voskuhl of 3:0! Robin Lopez, fresh off of being slighted for the All-Lacktion Team by yours truly, made a case for reinstatement with a +1 (turnover) in 1:52 to serve as Shaq's personal human victory cigar! And yes, that giveaway gave him a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl. Three Voskuhls in one game, including THE original -- is this a record for big man bawfulness?!

Cavs-Spurs: Tarence Kinsey, Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, and yesterday's lacktator JJ Hickson each swam into the murky waters of successful team play, which forced Trey Johnson to live up to his 10-day contract with the Crabs through a +2 in 1:08 via fouls.

Sadly, sometimes the skills of sucktitude can go away in age as former trillionaire champion Bruce Bowen painfully discovered tonight, ruining a pair of two fouls and two bricks with an assist and rebound.

Clippers-Kings: Ah, witnessing the purple paupers and Donald Sterling's basketball playset in person was like watching the ShamWow commercial in baller form. With the Clips failing to either live up to the "potential" demonstrated in its upset over Boston, numerous waste disposal experts failed to deliver in the non-clutch, including veteran lacktators such as Brian Skinner and Steve Novak. And the newest royal subjects either rebelled against the Maloofs' quest of wealth acquisition - as witnessed with Rashad McCants' twelve-point stanza - or made critical, win-based mistakes, as evidenced by lacktivity-canceling rebounds for Ike Diogu and Donte Greene. So in stepped Cedric Simmons with a 3.1 trillion that did not need taxpayer funding!

And, thanks to my Nikon D40, I have plenty of visual evidence of Simmons's burgeoning investment.

Bobcats-Warriors: Michael Jordan and Larry Brown probably wished that the Lakers and 'cats could switch divisions...because the Bobcats seem to find themselves in situations in NorCal where they can actually unleash a human victory cigar. Tonight's celebrator was Cartier Martin, who discovered the ref's whistle calling him out twice at The Oracle for a +2 in 2:49.
Kobe Bryant: From Wild Yams: "I thought you might be interested in using this story from Kobe as to why the Lakers almost set the franchise record for worst shooting percentage last night against Denver."

They shot a dreadful 29.8%, barely beating the 29.4% they shot against Utah in November 2004, the worst effort in the 48-year existence of the Lakers in Los Angeles.

In fact, they were on record-setting pace, shooting only 29%, until Farmar's uncontested layup.

"A horrible shooting effort tonight for us," said Kobe Bryant, who had 29 points on 10-for-31 shooting. "Blame Sun."

Rookie Sun Yue apparently got lost when sent out by some players to fetch several bags of fast food after the Lakers' 132-106 victory over Phoenix.

The team waited on the charter plane at LAX until Sun finally returned and didn't arrive at the team hotel in Denver until 4 a.m. Friday.

"Sun took too long getting our In-N-Out Burgers last night after the game," Bryant said, adding a dose of humor to an otherwise humorless night. "I don't know where...he went. He could have went to the one in Compton for all I know."
Wow. The daily Kobe's have officially started writing themselves...


Danilo Gallinari: From Basketbawful reader dunkside: Danilo Gallinari must be first on the list for the Worst of the Weekend for elbowing Dwyane Wade in the face and thus ensuring the Knicks lost the game. That should be the first thing rookies learn when they come into the league: There are 5 to 10 guys that you'd better not make mad."

Agreed. Dino tugged on Superman's cape, and Superman doesn't like that. Here's a description of what happened from the AP recap: "Telling the packed arena more than once that 'this is my house,' Wade scored 46 points, 15 of them coming in a dramatic 19-0 spurt that erased a huge deficit in the final nine minutes and carried the Miami Heat to a 120-115 win over the Knicks on Saturday night. And think that Knicks-Heat rivalry from years ago is over? Think again. 'When I'm angry, I attack,' said Wade, who tied a franchise record with 24 points in the fourth quarter. 'That's what I did.' Miami trailed 103-88 after Wade received a bloody lip that needed three stitches after the game and Heat coach Erik Spoelstra earned a technical for arguing why no foul was called. Wade was popped by New York's Danilo Galinari with an elbow, which the officiating crew saw as the Heat star taking a dive. Big mistake."

Big mistake is right. Never push a superstar into God Mode.

The Memphis Grizzlies: They lost at home to the Thunder...who were without Kevin Durant. How does THAT happen? Letting Thabo Sefolosha burn you for 15 points (a season-high) and 11 rebounds (also a season-high), that's how. Committing 17 turnovers that the Thunder transformed into 25 bonus points didn't help, either. The Grizzlies have officially entered "They aren't who we thought they were...they're worse" territory. But they do have the lowest payroll in the league, so they're not losers, they're salary cap winners! Hopefully that eases the pain of that seven-game skidmark...

The Houston Rockets: They were ahead by 17 points in Chicago with just under six minutes remaining...and lost. The Bulls went on a 23-3 run in the final five-and-a-half minutes in which only two players (Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon) scored (not including John Salmons' almost-meaningless free throw with 11 seconds to go). And in case you're wondering, that blown lead did in fact set a Houston franchise record for fourth quarter collapses. And you have to wonder what the hell Rick Adelman was thinking, because Yao Ming attempted only one shot in the second half. I'm not kidding. One shot against a team that got lit up inside by Troy Murphy last week. How does that even happen?!

Ron Artest: He was blazing away for most of the game -- 32 points, 13-for-24, 6-for-12 from distance -- but he got a little too happy with his own shot and was gunning without conscience down the stretch...with little effect. Ron-Ron missed seven of his last eight attempts, including a last-second heave in which he flop-flailed around to try and get a whistle. And when he didn't get it, he had one of those "I just might start a riot" moments and had to be talked down by Dikembe Mutumbo. After the game, Artest was sour grapy: "They fouled me, but that's all right. That's not why we lost. It was a foul. That was a bad non-call. Everybody makes mistakes. That was a big mistake." Don't look him in the eye. Don't make any sudden moves and back away slowly...

Rick Adelman, Captain Obvious: Regarding his team's historic failure against the Bulls: "Two things happened; we didn't score and we didn’t stop them." That was...enlightening, Rick.

The Washington Wizards Generals: As we sift through the flotsam and jetsam of the Generals' shipwreck of a season, I suppose we should believe that they were doomed by injuries. Only that seems like a hollow excuse after they were pounded by the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit on Saturday night. The Bucks are without their two best players -- Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut -- and have been for much of the season. But they're fighting for a playoff spot while the Generals are only fighting a nightly battle to get dressed and out of the arena as fast as they can.

Caron Butler, excuse-making machine: Know who Tough Juice blamed for the loss to the Bucks? Barack Obama. Seriously. Said Butler: "You can't match that energy [that Washington had the night before against the Bulls.] That's the President of the United States." Sadly, Mike "The Amityville Scorer" James was left to be the voice of reason: "It isn't about the energy of playing in front of the president. It was the energy that we played with last night period that helped us win that game. We had to at least come out tonight and play with a sense of urgency. We didn't."

The Sacramento Kings: Still the worst team in the league.

The Los Angeles Clippers: They were so inspired by Wednesday's win over the Celtics that they followed it up by losing back-to-back games to the worst-in-the-league Kings and the Bobcats. They are who we thought they were. Too bad for Baron Davis that he didn't know who we thought they were before he signed that rest-of-his-NBA-life contract with them. Bonus stat: The Clips shot over 50 percent but still lost to the 'Cats in L.A. Oh, and they gave up 2 assists to Emeka "The Blackest of Holes" Okafor. Wah-waaaaaaaah.

Saturday lacktivity report: Our chris may have gotten some rest after the Clippers-Kings crapstravaganza, but he didn't sleep on the lacktion report:

Thunder-Grizzlies: It looks like Paul Allen will be buying a PS3 for his birthday this year, as Darius Miles angered the Blazers' capologists yet again with a 50-second Mario for Memphis!

Wizards-Bucks: Oleg Pecherov spent only 94 seconds on the floor tonight for the Generals, tossing a brick for +1. However, the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit had a rare bit of convalescence with Damon Jones's 1.25 trillion donation to the medical staff! (Yes, that is the same Damon Jones who racked up what appears to be the Finals record for lacktivity with a 10 trillion!)

Kings-Jazz: Donte Greene took a brick in 2:39 to earn a +1 for the purple paupers in Salt Lake City, while Utah's Ronnie Price served as Jerry Sloan's human victory cigar de jour, fouling and giving the rock to Suckramento for a +2 in 1:46.

The Boston Celtics: You know all those people who were bragging about their record without Kevin Garnett? Well, trust me, they need KG back. Badly. The Pistons imposed their will on the Celtics in the fourth quarter, and it happened in Boston. Seriously, the C's couldn't get a stop down the stretch.

Allen Iverson: The Not-Answer sits out and suddenly the Pistons win back-to-back road games against the Magic and Celtics. As Paul Pierce put it: "You can tell they're playing the system they played before Iverson got there. When Iverson is out there they're still trying to figure out how to use each other, how to all be successful. But that group that's out there is definitely comfortable because they've played together for years." Further noted Doc Rivers: "This is the old Pistons we're playing now. The ball is hopping. They're playing together." Added Rip Hamilton: "We played our type of basketball. That's the thing for me with Tayshaun, Rasheed (Wallace) and (Antonio) McDyess, I always know they're going to be at all times." They're not sayin', they're just sayin'.

Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Right before a commercial break, during a highlight of Eddie House nailing a three-pointer, Hubie Brown said: "It's great that he's able to get that off with the defender coming in his face." The second I heard that, I just KNEW somebody was going to write in about it. Congratulations to Basketbawful reader Pratt for being That Guy.

The Los Angeles Lakers: You had to figure the Lakers would bounce back from Friday night's embarrassment against the Nuggets. And they did, sort of, scoring 111 points. That's a 32-point improvement! Too bad nobody told them they were gonna have to play defense too. The Suns -- still without Amare Stoudemire and Steve Nash -- shot nearly 56 percent for the game en route to putting 118 points on the board. They were led by Shaq, who followed up his 45-point game against the Craptors with a 33-pointer (13-for-18) against his old team. This is the first time Shaq has had consecutive 30-point games since March 5-7, 2004, when he himself was a Laker. I have to tell you, it sure seems like the Lakers have fallen in love with their offense, so much so that they seem increasingly disinterested in stopping people. That's a bad sign. Also: Kobe scoring 49 in a loss to the Suns was so 2006...which means this game had TWO turn back the clock performances.

Shaq, quote machine: Regarding his weekend outbursts: "It's what I do. I've been doing it since 1992. If you don't believe it, Google me." (Yeah, but you hadn't don't it since 2004...I'm just sayin'. Please don't kill me with one clubbing blow.)

Kobe Bryant, excuse-making exaggeration machine: Regarding his team's winless weekend: "We're going through a period right now where everybody's just kind of tired a little bit. It happens." And regarding Shaq's strong play: "The thing is they're looking for him, they're going inside to him. Tonight, I mean, Pau is giving up 250 pounds. There's really not much he can do in that situation and Shaq took advantage of it." Huh. Does Kobe know what a "pound" is?

The New Jersey Nets: They were up one with a minute to go...then Devin Harris handed it over to Chris Paul who hit a go-ahead jumper. Then, on their very next possession, Brook Lopez tried to force a pass to Harris that Paul picked off AGAIN. And that was pretty much game over. Said Harris: "It's frustrating. We had two turnovers late, didn't get good shots at the basket and they got great shots. We played fabulous all game long, the energy was there. The point-guard play has to be better late in the game." Agreed! Now, who's the point guard for your team again? The Nets: Now 14-25 since Devin said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." They're also 13-18 at home.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, so let me get this straight. They followed up their hope-lifting win over the Lakers with a gut-wrenching loss to the Danny Granger-less Pacers? Troy Murphy (22 points, 18 rebounds) went wild on them, and Jarret Jack (28 points, 7-for-14, 8 assists) outplayed Chauncey Billups. Oh, and it took Carmelo Anthony 24 shots to score 20 points.

Bonus fail from the AP recap: "Denver’s high-scoring offense was held in check by a team that ranks near the bottom of the league in scoring defense. The Nuggets shot 36 percent from the field overall, scored 12 points in the second quarter and were outscored 32-19 in the fourth quarter. 'Our team should never have a 12-point quarter,' Denver coach George Karl said. 'We reverted back to not making the extra pass, not finding the open man.'" It's like Allen Iverson is back! And not in a good way.

The San Antonio Spurs: They got their butts whooped by the Blazers in Portland, but that's to be expected with Tim Duncan stil ou...wait, what? He was back? Oh. Never mind then. Fail. Incredibly, the Spurs were already behind 64-37 at halftime, and this is what Gregg Popovich had to say about that: "To start the game that way against a team we had beaten pretty good quite recently was disappointing. It shows possibly a laissez-faire sort of attitude. I would have expected us to come out knowing we were in for a heck of a battle. I'm not sure we came with the approach or respect we needed." Don't you just hate it when your team comes out with a laissez-faire sort of attitude? Me too.

Superstar calls: LeBron got fouled with 1.6 seconds left in the game and hit a free throw to give the Craboliers a one-point win over the Hawks in Atlanta. But was the foul legit? You be the judge. (But it wasn't.) Al Horford, who "committed" it, sure thought the play was clean. "It was unfortunate the way the game ended. He came to me. I kept my arms straight. The refs felt it was a foul." Translation: I got screwed, but I don't want to get fined, too.

Boss names: My buddy Statbuster made the trek up to Chicago for some hang time, and we spent a few minutes playing Street Fighter IV. First off, it sure felt nice to throw a non-Mario fireball again. Second, Bison is still a cheap bastard. All that aside, the final boss is pretty cool. But...Seth? His name is Seth?! Gak. I always thought M. Bison was a pretty lame boss name, but it grew on me eventually. Seth is never gonna grow on me. Ever. You can't tell me every possible cool boss name has already been taken.

Sunday lactivity report: And now, the final word on the weekend's lacktion, via chris:

Pistons-Celtics: The ABC cameras captured not one, not two, but THREE Marios in one night! JR Giddens shook off a recent contributory performance to step out for an 18 second stint with fellow Mario Twin ( Bill Walker, shiggity shiggity shwa! Not to be outdone, Detroit's Arron Affalo stomped on Koopa shells for an extended Mario of 36 seconds.

Lakers-Suns: DJ Mbenga had three steals in 7:17, but they were not enough to erase his presence from the ledger today as he provided the Lakers a Voskuhl of 3:0 (one foul and two giveaways against a brick). And Phoenix's Robin Lopez did accrue a block in 3:47, but a lack of shot attempts prevented him from negating a one-foul Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.

Rockets-Wolves: Mark Madsen made himself rich tonight with a 1.2 trillion for McHale's Navy!

Raptors-Mavs: THE Jake Voskuhl earned a +1 SD for the Craptors in 1:43 via foul, also good enough for his namesake stat -- a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, Mark Cuban clearly has taught some insider trading secrets to Ryan Hollins, as the latter cashed out with a 3.4 trillion.

Jazz-Warriors: Jermareo Davidson was a late pick for the All-Lacktion Team but has once again convinced the skeptics of his suitability as a lacktator, this time fouling twice for +2 in 3:09.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
if memory serves me correctly, wasn't there a recent season where nba refs were calling shaq's foot fouls on free throws on a regular basis? i remember catching one game where he had at least 3 called on him... fast forward to yesterday's game vs LAL and the play where he followed up his own missed FT with a dunk. van gundy went off on his high horse about the lakers "CANNOT let that happen et al" but i'd bet my left nut he'd be screaming on the sidelines (if still employed as a coach) about how shaq was 4 feet into the lane before the shot even hit the rim.

note to abc: bring back father of walton. his ridiculousness > JVGs attention whoring
footnote: this changes nothing about how the lakers played like a team of voskuhls and deserved to get their collective asses handed to them

Blogger Josh Willis(9) said...
Marbury is bad karma personified he is gonna drag the Celtics down. Just wait until Rondo goes down with a suspiciously-lead-pipe-related knee injury and they have to start Starbuy. I love the Pacers but they suck, bad. Without Granger they have negative basketball potential, and yet Marbury's mere presence in a Celtics jersey almost got Indiana a win.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful, I'm a little disappointed in you. Kobe deserved much more venom for his "performance" yesterday than you gave him in this WOTW. That was exactly the kind of performance that I was ripping Dwyane Wade for last week. Kobe absolutely cost the Lakers the game yesterday (that and their lack of approach to defense, of course). Here's the key to beating the Lakers: try to have a second half lead of more than 5 points, especially late in the game, because Kobe will just start taking the lowest percentage shots possible out of desperation and shoot his team out of the game. Pau Gasol was actually outplaying Shaq for most of the game, but Kobe trying to do it all himself took Pau right out of it.

BTW, regarding the Lakers' 29% shooting on Friday against Denver, that came one day after they shot over 57% from the field against Phoenix; so I had to think that must be up there for the worst all time dropoff in shooting percentage from one game to the next.

I think Doc Rivers should get a mention for yesterday's substitution rotations. What the hell was he thinking going the first 9+ minutes of the 4th quarter with Rondo on the bench in favor of Marbury and Eddie House? For anyone who was worried about where Marbury might fit in, and whether it would upset either Rondo or House or cut into their minutes, that looked like a pretty worrisome stretch for me. Maybe if Marbury was lighting the Pistons up, I could see wanting to keep him in, but the guy didn't score a point all game, so why was he in there for so long? As has been said by many this year, as goes Rondo, so go the Celtics, and they really could have used him in there in that 4th quarter (especially since Boston went through a stretch of over 5 minutes without a made field goal in that quarter).

LeBron definitely got a very favorable benefit of the doubt on that call last night. I really hate to see a game decided by something like that, especially when it's such a ticky tack foul. Why do the refs insist on making a call like that, especially if the game is tied the way it was? If they swallow their whistles there, then the game goes into OT and the players have another shot to figure out who's going to win. Instead the winning basket is a free throw.

Blogger chris said...
First off...I'd like to thank you, bawful, for inspiring me to watch some of the worst basketball possible. And somehow surviving to write about it!

So had Elton Brand been playing, would that cheap win against the Knickerbockers have suddenly transformed into a Feel-Good Loss from the start? ;)

Has anyone fouled for the cycle before? It seems like Voskuhl has stepped up, er, down, his level of anti-game since being coronated by yours truly as the head of the Craptors' Little Three.

Scary thought: the Grizzlies have a better wins/dollar ratio than the two teams I witnessed on a failtacular Friday evening. I'm still confused as to how these cap space machinations aresupposed to attract free agents, when other factors such as "existing team competitiveness" and "local media prestige" might be equally important.

The Truth tellin' the truth about Not-Answer. Refreshing.

As for lassiez-faire attitude - that sums up the "intensity" I saw at Arco Arena two nights ago.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Kobe Bryant stat curse?

On the other hand, Shaquille O'Neal had 45 points on 20-for-25 shooting Friday in a 133-113 victory over Toronto.

"Did he really?" Bryant said, smiling. "Go ahead, big fella. That means he ain't going to have [anything] in the tank on Sunday, so I'm cool with that."

Blogger chris said...
BTW, are there any comparisons to a non-transaction helping the original team out, the way Tyson Chandler has since his near-purgatorial experience?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm beginning to believe that the Thunder might play some better team ball when Ksmoov is not playing. Granted, I have no proof for this since I have only see the Thunder play against the Blazers. Although, a fun thing to do is to watch Durant away from the ball on offense. His hand is up in the air calling for the ball nonstop. Seriously, next time your team plays against the Thunder, watch Durant away from the ball.

Anyway, anybody else think that Durant is the second coming of a McGrady or Vince Carter type? Just another prolific scorer that constant demand of the ball stagnates their offense to an ultimately above-average team?

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
How was this missed about Shaq and Bosh

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So Kobe shot 28 for 69 over the weekend...with a total of four assists. That's sucktastic.

Blogger Murcy said...
JVG, qute machine, Kobe-loving machine, whatever machine:

after Bryant elbowed Grant Hill in the face about about three times without being called for a foul, he said:
'Great players create space, and sometimes that means a few elbows to create that space.'
wow. I'd create some space for myself against him.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Aw, no mention of the 76ers' utter collapse against the Magic? Despite leading throughout the entire game, their fourth quarter "efforts" left much to be desired. They allowed rookie Courtney Lee, who'd been cold from the field all night, to score 13 in the 4th. The Sixers were winning 84-73 with 9:59 to play when the Magic went on a 13-1 run. After the two teams battled it out for the next 9 minutes or so, the Magic were leading 102-99 when the Sixers got to the foul line. After the other AI made 1 of 2 FTs, Philadelphia went into a full-court press against the inbounds pass, and back-up Marcin Gortat slipped up the floor, wide open under the Magic's own basket, and dunked the full-court pass from Hedo, which gave Orlando a 104-100 lead with 15 seconds to play.

Epic fail.

Oh, and who can forget JJ Redick being hit with double techs and thrown from the game? Come on, that's hilarious!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Seth doesn't seem to be the most interesting name for the SF4 boss, but it's a little more interesting when you realize that he's named after the 3rd son of Adam and Eve. One of the other new characters is named Abel and is apparently earlier version of Seth who ran away (or something like that). I guess it would have been cooler if the boss had been named "Cain" but maybe they didn't want to make it that obvious.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
While it may be fair to say that Artest was shooting "without conscious," I'm thinking you may mean "without conscience." Kobe, on the other hand, he was shooting without conscious this weekend - he was shooting without awareness. Awareness of what it was doing to his team and its chances of winning.

On Gregg Popovich and laissez-faire: "I do not that word means what [he] think[s] it means."

As far as the foul called on Horford at the end of the game, I think that sort of play gets called a foul a lot. Maybe it shouldn't in general be called a foul, but James appears to get around Horford (Horford's feet are pointing to the baseline and he is in the air) and there is contact. That, so far as I've seen, is usually called a foul on the defender.

I only saw the first and last half of the fourth quarters in the game, but after the first, the free throw advantage was something like 10-2 Hawks. Live by the refs, die by the refs.

Also, maybe the Hawks just caught some good Cavs karma after the Cavs received almost no calls on their drives against Houston (I saw one early non-shooting foul, and another foul after the game was decided; other than that, nothing), forcing the Cavs into a ton of jump shots, or pull-ups and runners in the lane. Wasn't that an exciting game to watch? We all want to see more of that, right?

Maybe this is just because the past few years of being a Suns fan has my opinion of the league's referees even lower than Bill Simmons's. But I think the lack of quality in refereeing is becoming a critical and growing problem for the NBA (and, after that Super Bowl and season, also the NFL). Meh.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
huge suns fan here, great win for us, but seriously, we only made 26 out of 42 free throws! that's 16 misses!
AND shaq was only responible for 5 of those misses!

Blogger XForce23 said...
Seth is just named after one of Capcom's senior managers, so I guess it's just a bit of a tribute to him. Seth is a cheap-ass character and if you don't know what you're doing the computer will hand your ass to you everytime

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Here's a link to the Marcin Gortat dunk, at the 0:53 mark:

Blogger chris said...
davy: I know we're in a bizarre new era when it's now up to Shaqovich to teach the rest of the Suns how to do it at the stripe. :O

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
That whose should be who's for who is. I know you hate the errors.

Blogger Viscant said...
Seth is named after Seth Killian, a well known Street Fighter player who now works for Capcom and helped produce Street Fighter 4.

In case you want to see the real man behind the boss, here he is holding David Sirlin's book:
If there was a "bawful" site for Street Fighter, this pic would be the cover girl.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Seth is actually a good villain name. It is, after all, the same as the evil Egyptian god "Set." Set always gave me the willies, so if I were to parent a future figure of evil, Seth he would be named.

I like how JJ Redick gets a nod in the post before the whiney Duke traveling post. Redick was the ultimate whiney white Duke guy fans loved to hate when he was still there. Except, of course, the Yankee and Laker-loving fans around the country who also love Duke.

{speaking as a Carolina resident here--it's notable that in the "college hoops cradle of civilization," very few cheer for Duke, even in Durham itself. It's all UNC, Wake or State around here. Duke is well known for being the yuppie Ivy league poser, that no self-respecting fan wants to be associated with. Even national titles can't change that.}

Blogger Unknown said...
You didnt mention bizzare final action during Philly game on Saturday.

6,11 guy became invisible :p

Here's link:

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm going to blame the Spurs defensive FAIL against the Cavs Friday night on the Houston Rockets for frustrating and pissing off King James in the previous game. There was no way he was going to be denied two games in a row.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Now that the trade deadline has passed, championship piggybacking season is in full swing, right? At least, that's how the Marbury and Joe Smith signing appear to me. (Not that those players won't be important to their teams, but that doesn't have anything to do with piggybacking, right?)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Sorry, I should say expected signing of Joe Smith. But all of these buyout things seem to happen with a pre-ordained destination of the player.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"RuPaul of bigmen" .. that´s already the nickname of the year from the Big Nicknamer

Blogger Jim in KFalls said...
"If he’d got a technical after his sixth personal, it would have been a perfect night."

Has this ever happened, and if so, there should be a name for this (al la the Voskul)?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The boss of Street Fighter 3 (which takes place chronologically after Street Fighter 4) is a half red, half blue thonged Apollo-esque monster named Gill and he's the emperor of the Illuminati

Anonymous Anonymous said...
'bawful: 'Seth' is semi-appropriate because it sucks so much as a name, and the boss' Ultra-Move (or whatever the best move he has is called) involves SUCKING you into his swirling yin-yang stomach. In other words, he sucks all around. Seth IS the vortex of suck.

AnacondaHL: loved the post, love the MamBison.

chris: you lack-cursed
Sideshow Rob.

Sorry I've been so missing lately. Microsoft is just the most pleasant conversationalist... I'm not going to say anything else, because I don't want to find a giant, digital hole where my house was when I left for work today.

Long story short: Internet's back, and XBOX is [hopefully] fixed soon and it doesn't look like Windows Media Center will be of any use. So, the visual quality of the All-Lacktion Extravaganza will probably match it's quality of basketball.

Blogger Jundi said...
so if the mavs got mentioned for winning against a durant-less thunder .. so i guess i can count on them being featured in the next installment for losing to the thunder who were without durant AND green .. i think u need to invent a new category for that one .. somehow worst of the night seems like an understatement

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I posted this already but I feel like it bears mentioning again, since I know a lot of people stop reading previous comments sections as soon as a new worst of is posted:

Here's something I noticed in the box score for Saturday's Knicks/Heat game--Chris Duhon and David Lee each played 38:27 and had a +/- of +4. Larry Hughes played 38:24 with a +2. Al Harrington, however, played 37 minutes 50 seconds, and was -23.

There was only a maximum of nine and a half minutes where Harrington would have been on the court without those other three, and during that time the Knicks were outscored by twenty-seven points.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
dude, i saw the DEN-LAL game and the announcers should get a mention here.
first line that made me laugh - Mbenga with a banger, and that's what you want. Mbenga binga Bongo, bam! right there!". It sounded a lot funnier when I was stoned, but still funny, nevertheless.
second incident - when it was shown on a slow-motion replay that Josh Powell was grabbing Linas Kleiza's ass, the announcer said "where's Reggie Evans when you need him?" lol

my word verification is cakes. how cool is that?

Blogger lordhenry said...
"Seth is just named after one of Capcom's senior managers, so I guess it's just a bit of a tribute to him. Seth is a cheap-ass character and if you don't know what you're doing the computer will hand your ass to you everytime"

Yes, this is true. He usually "lets" you win the first round and then goes super apesh*t in the second, teleporting everywhere and then spinning pile-driving you whenever he's close. More of the same in the third, though he is always vulnerable to the tried and true "jump-kick his face and sweep him" routine as long as he doesn't hit you with a fifteen hit dragon punch.

WOTN mention: CAPCOM FAIL. Turns out that there is a glitch in the game that causes seth to be at the same difficulty no matter whether you are playing on very easy, easy, or medium, which means seth will ALWAYS be at least medium difficulty even on very easy. Capcom claims its an accident, but I believe the bastards knew everyone was gonna try to unlock all the characters on very easy to save time, so they did it on purpose.