Gooden fall

All of the pictures used in today's post are courtesy of Shayan from Time Intact.

The Washington Wizards: The latest chapter in Washington's 1-8 saga was even more depressing than the previous chapters. The Hawks -- who were without starters Al Horford (sprained right ankle) and Josh Smith (sprained left ankle) -- broke their four-game losing streak despite the missing personnel, 39 percent shooting and 16 turnovers. Atlanta did it by dominating the boards 58-40 [!!] despite, as I mentioned, missing 66.6 percent of their starting frontcourt. The Wiz...they couldn't keep Zaza Pachulia (career-high 18 rebounds, 8 of which were offensive) off the glass. It's called a boxout, guys. Might want to try it some time.

Sadly, Washington had a 4-point lead going into the final minute, but Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams hit back-to-back threes...and Williams' triple was set up by a shot clock violation Washington committed with 32 seconds left. Even Antawn Jamison's post-game diatribe/motivational speech had a feeling of perfunctory helplessness to it. "It’s the same situation. We're just not closing games out. We're making the same mistakes. We've played it over and over again. We can't lose games like we did tonight. We have to stop the bleeding. We have to find a way to win." Good luck with that, Antawn.

Mario Brothers: Last night's Marios include Othella Hunter of the Hawks (25 seconds) one else. Sorry, Othella. You sucked worse than anybody else who played. Your prize -- a bag of flaming poo -- is on its way. Via carrier pigeon.

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had season highs in both points (40) and assists (11) AND he had a career-best 5 blocked shots. Oh yeah, he is back. And how! For the record, since blocks became an official stat, the only other player to have a 40-10-5 game was Alvan Adams of the Phoenix Suns, who had 47 points, 12 assists and 5 blocks against the Buffalo Braves on February 22, 1977. And he only had 3 turnovers. Yet, despite Wade's historic effort, and Shawn Marion's best game of the season (20 points, 10-for-17, 14 rebounds), and the fact that they were playing at home, the Heat lost to the Toronto Raptors.

What happened? Well, they let the regularly disappointing Andrea Bargnani score a season-high 25 points. They also failed to get their hands in the mugs of Toronto's three-point shooters: The dinos were 8-for-8 in the second half, including 5-for-5 from Anthony Parker. Said Parker: "I had a good feel for the shots." Uh, yeah, I guess so.

It also didn't help Miami's cause that they let the Raptors get them down by 17 in the third quarter before yet another comeback attempt...which the Heat have been doing a lot of this season. Wade, who has been promoted to Senior Captain Obvious, said: "You waste a lot of energy when you come back from 10 or more. You don't really want to do that." You also don't want to stick a pencil in your nose. Trust me on that.

Jermaine O'Neal, quote machine: Said The Drain: "We knew they were going to make a run. Of what magnitude we didn't know." This quote just made me think of Admiral Ackbar in Return of the Jedi lisping out "We can't repel fire power of that magnitude!" Thanks, Jermaine.

LeBron James: The King shot 8-for-21 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Said James: "That happens in this league. You have good games and bad games." You know, it doesn't surprise me that the Pistons figured out that if you keep LeBron out of the paint, you have a much better chance of holding him down and beating his team. File that one under "Lessons Painfully Learned."

Ben Wallace: 23 minutes, 3 points, 5 boards, a steal and 2 blocked shots. And only one more season -- after this one -- at $15 million!

Daniel Gibson: Another stellar night for Cleveland's sniping specialist: 1-for-7 and 0-for-4 from downtown. He's hitting only 37 percent of his shots this season, 31 from distance. It makes me wonder what would happen at my Clark Kent job if I suddenly lost the ability to write. Think they'd keep asking me to do it?

Mike Brown, quote machine: "It was like a bunch of their players got together at halftime and said 'Let's bear down and take this game away from the Cavaliers.'" Well, golly gee, Mike. IMAGINE THAT.

Wally Szczerbiak: The Cavs put Wally World on the inactive list so that he can address a personal matter. Which makes me wonder if "address a personal matter" is going to become the new NBA euphemism for "you need to stop sucking, dude." Seriously, though, I hope it's nothing serious. Like maybe he got traumatized when somebody on the team mussed his strangely perfect hair.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Boy, just when it looked like the Sixers had climbed out of the hole, they fall right back in...dropping back to a game below .500 after losing to the Minnesota Timberwolves. It was 'Sota's second win of the year. Said Philly sixth man Willy Green: "They were desperate. They had a sense of urgency all game long. They wanted it more than us. It was obvious." What was also obvious is that the Sixers didn't want to play any defense last night. They let a T-Wolves team that's shooting 43 percent from the field on the season hit more than half of their shots (38-for-74). Wolfman Craig Smith scored a season-high 21 points on 7-for-9 shooting and freaking Sebastian Telfair had 8 assists. C'mon, Philly. You're better than that. Or not.

The 'klahoma City Thunder: The latest stop on their odyssey of awful includes a 20-point home loss to the Los Angeles Clippers. It was win number two for the Clips. The Thunder -- currently the league's worst shooting team (40.7 percent) -- hit their average by clanking 60 percent of their field goal attempts and committing 20 turnovers.

Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas: Despite a the fact that the Clips had what was probably their best game of the season -- even if it was against the Thunder -- these two men still managed to suck. Davis scored zero points (0-for-5) in 21 minutes. Thomas was 1-for-7 in 17 minutes. Mind you, these guys were both free agent pickups; L.A. didn't wasn't forced to take on their contracts in order to complete a blockbuster trade or anything. I'm just sayin'.

Baron Davis, team leader: Following his team's incredible defeat of the Thunder, Cuttino Mobley confided the following: "Baron said before the game, 'You've got to get focused.' He told the whole team that. I was going to try to play as hard as I can and see what happens." If the team needs a motivational speech to get up for the's going to be a long season. But we all kind of knew that already, didn't we?

The New Orleans Hornets: What in the name of Odin is going on in New Orleans? The Hornets were supposed to make The Leap this season. Yet last night, they lost at home -- their third loss in New Orleans Arena already this season -- to the still Kevin Martin-less Sacramento Kings. The Hornets are now 5-5. It's the first time they've been .500 since the end of the 2006-07 season. Said David West: "This is a bad loss for us. We definitely have taken steps back as a team. We're going to have to come together and make a push because right now teams are just walking over us." The Kings sure did. Sacramento shot almost 55 percent from the field. Apparently, the Hornets are employing the vaunted Mike 'Antoni method of stopping people. Which is to not.

Yao Ming: The good news: Dr. Yao didn't have any of his shots blocked last night. The bad news: It's because he sat out of Houston's game against the Dallas Mavericks with a sore left foot, ending his consecutive games played streak at...11. Yao was held out "for precautionary reasons" after leaving Monday's game at Oklahoma City with a left ankle injury. He underwent tests on Tuesday that supposedly revealed no structural damage.

The Houston Rockets: They looked nearly helpless without Yao, scoring only 86 points on 37 percent shooting. AT HOME. Said Rick Adelman: "When you don't have Yao, you've got to move the ball and you have to create situations. We don’t have a lot of guys who can break you down off the dribble." No kidding. The Big Other Two, T-Mac and Ron Artest, were both an identical 5-for-14 from the field.

Brent Barry: I received an email from Basketbawful reader Daniel K with a subject line of "If a washed up Brent Barry isn't in the worsties tomorrow, then I don't know what I'll do." So, to prevent anything dire from happening, here's the rest of what Dan had to say: "With 7:13 left in the second quarter, Brent Barry's corpse has missed two open three's (the only reason he's in the league), and two terrible turnovers." For the sake of posterity, Barry finished 0-for-3 (all from three-point range) with 2 rebounds, an assist, 2 turnovers and a steal.

Luther Head: Gott im Himmel! Will he ever see action again? Head logged his 8th DNP-CD of the season last night, despite the fact that the Rockets were playing short-footed.

Luis Scola: Hands. On. Defense.

Scola 1

Scola 2

The San Antonio Spurs: After several days worth of "They're really pulling together!" stories, the Spurs fell back apart in a tough home loss to the Nuggets in which they scored only 81 points and shot a cold-as-the-girl-who-broke-your-heart-in-high-school 38 percent. Gregg Popovich provided stunning insight into the loss when he said: "Denver played well enough to beat us." Thanks for opening our eyes, Gregg.

Keyon Martin, quote machine: The tough guy with girl lips tattooed on his neck held Tim Duncan to 12 points on stinky 4-for-13 shooting. Said Martin: "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will." Just then, Duncan bent over to take a drink from the water fountain and Martin ran over and chop-blocked him. Note: According to's Head2Head Finder, TD has averaged 22.8 PPG (on 50 percent shooting) and 12.6 RPG against Kenyon Martin.

Jerry Sloan, coaching genius: What did Sloan tell his players to do when they fell into an third-quarter hole against the Bucks? Ronnie Price said: "Coach told us to pick it up, push the ball up the court and make some plays on defense." I know it sounds simple,, it's actually pretty simple.

Andrei Kirilenko, four-star General Obvious: "It's good to keep winning, but we need to stop losing people. We won, but if we keep losing people that's not good. Other things that aren't good include: Nuclear war, dead puppies and Andrei's hair.

Kosta Koufos: Basketbawful reader Justin T. writes in that: "Koufos played nine minutes and had a rebound. And a foul. And also, he had a rebound. That is all." Fun fact: Justin has a fantasy team named "A.C. Green's Virginity." Which, somewhat ironically, is more fantasy than the real A.C. ever had in his life. Speaking of which, visit the A.C. Green Youth Foundation Web site to learn more about the joy of not making nookie. Not having sex worked for A.C., and it will work for you too! (Example: Reason number 18 to abstain is "You begin to compare sexual experiences, leading to lots of disappointments." Actually, that's just a sign you're having the WRONG experiences. Any lovely ladies out there who are laboring under this misconception are encouraged to contact me directly for more information.)

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: He shot 2-for-10, but whatever. The real reason I brought him up is to announce his official Basketbawful nickname: Jean Luc Richard. Which is a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference in case you don't get it. However, I still reserve the right to refer to him by "Labia mud charm toucher" or "I'm a dumb, urethral coach."

The Chicago Bulls: Well. Their 116-74 drubbing sure got some people riled up. Such as Sun Devil, who sent in the following equation: "Joel Przybilla ^ 21 minutes + Chicago = 20 minutes of carnage! it was a winning formula."

From Junokasm: "The circus was not in Chicago tonight, it was in Portland, where the Bulls turned the ball over 21 times. Just plain embarrassing. I see one player in the Bulls future that is currently on this team. How does a roster just forget to play defense? Joel Pryzbilla 6 for 6??! Ike Digou more than tripled his total season scoring in one night. That's right, Ike Digou. Do Kirk Hinrich, Chris Duhon, and P.J. Brown strike you as defensive stoppers? Maybe Malik Allen or Adrian Griffin? Viktor Khryapa? Because that's the difference between this Bulls team and the 2006 team that was supposed to lead to a Post-Jordan Bulls renaissance. That and a coach who wouldn't take crap from his players. Am I missing something? Too late and too tired." Ouch.

Speaking of coaches, Sami wrote in to say the following: "Can I cast my vote for 'Worst Coach of the Year'? Is there even one? Well, there should be. 'Cause Vinny Del Negro would freaking run away with it. I came to this conclusion after watching the first quarter of the Bulls-Blazers game. 13 first-quarter points scored, and they trail by 21. That's 1.1 points per minute. Seriously, watching the Chicago offense is like trying to watch a short, fat kid jumping for a Twinkie. It's disheartening. Drew Gooden taking shots from 21 feet, Tyrus Thomas (or should I say Torus) chucking up a lot of 'what the hell was that' shots. Some ball movement, little player movement. They just pass until one of them drives or pulls up for a crappy contested jumper. All of this while Vinny watches from the sideline, with a look on face that says, 'I really shouldn't have been drinking when I accepted this job.' Yeah, they horrible." Okay. Consider your vote cast.

Finally, Caseta wrote in with a note on Luol Deng (known by the Chicago Sun-Times as Lull Dens), who missed last night's game with a groin injury:

Speaking of deng, i was playing NBA 2K9 with the Bulls against Deng's team (I traded his soft butt ASAP) and at one point he made a layup. The two commentators then had the following exchange:

Commentator A: He lays it softly of the glass.

Commentator B: He really has a soft touch, doesn't he?

Commentator A: Some people like to take it hard to the rim, but not him. He prefers to use his soft touch around the rim.

(Not 100% accurate, but this was the idea) This got me thinking, "Damn, this game is soooo realistic. Not only is Deng made soft, but he gets picked on because of it. I can't wait to see if they call Shaq "fat" or Marbury "retarded."
Yay, Bulls.

Kobe Bryant: The Mega Powers EXPLODED last night when, during their match against The Twin Towers, Kobe not only refused to tag Hulk Hogan out, he SLAPPED Hogan in the face, took the Hulkster's World Title belt, and stormed back to the locker room. Fortunately, Hulkamania still ran wild and Hogan managed to defeat the Twin Towers by himself. After the match, Kobe accused Hogan of trying to steal manager Miss Elizabeth from him. Hogan implored Elizabeth to try and talk some sense into Kobe. Then out of nowhere, Kobe attacked Hogan by hitting him in the face with the title belt, sealing the end to their partnership.


Blogger BJ said...
Scola was awful handsy. And isn't he the one who blocked a jump shot from Dirk . . . only to have Dirk step behind the arc, get it back, and hit a three? Ooops.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@ Jermaine O'Neil-

Han will have that shield down- we've GOT to give him more TIME!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Jean Luc Richard FTW

Blogger Stephen Robbins said...
The only thing more pathetic than making an Admiral Ackbar joke is getting the joke and laughing. Thanks for reminding me what a dork I am.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I dont know if any of you noticed but Clark Kellogg one of the commentators in 2k9 definetly deserves a WOTN for stealing every line from Kenny Smith in 2k8. Is it just me or is defending bigs one on one impossible in 2k9? Every scrub above 6'9" drops buckets on me.

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
I don't know how many Rockets games you watch, but Luther Head is probably the worst player in the league for reasons explained here:

Clutch the bear is at it again, not sure if that was really Yao under there

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How about the Cavs bench last night?

Combined 4-14, for 12 points and a 2-5 assist-turnover ratio. Can we just start calling this team "The Cleveland Cavalier"? If any team was deserving of a singular mascot- it's Cleveland.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I am officially optimistic about the Pistons this season. Considering that they are still in the "finding their new identity" phase they have exceeded my early expectations. Iverson is shooting a good percentage, Wallace is arguably having his best season as a Piston so far, Prince is definitely having his best season as a Piston, Kwame Brown has sucked less than you might expect, Rodney Stuckey looks solid and Will Bynum is as about as good as it gets for a third string point guard. Things that still need work is Hamilton's sad face, Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson's numbers (if only we could find a way to combine Maxiell's defensive presence and power with Johnson's length and athleticism into one single player, we would have quite the big man, or LeBron James). If we could get McDyess back or his player equivalent we would be set.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
OK, you gotta change "'Klahoma" to "Klahma" to fully excise all the O's from their name. I know "Klahma" sounds a bit like the Bug planet from Starship Troopers, but maybe that's fitting in light of Clay Bennett's shenanigans.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Rockets are in serious trouble if they don't sign or trade for some more guys on the roster who are 6'11 and up. Yao's the lone guy who stands taller than 6'9 for Houston this year, and he's proven he's none too reliable when it comes to being healthy. Since this is the real NBA and not NBA 2K9, guys who are only 6'9 can be stopped with relative ease in the post, and I hear that post production can be somewhat important come playoff time.

Now that Jean Luc Richard has his Basketbawful name, we need to get a picture of him doing a facepalm, stat.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You haven't seen Bargnani play this season, have you?

Blogger Dan said...
From ESPN's Daily Dime:

Unguarded 0-for-5 0
Gerald Green 0-for-2 0
Jason Kidd 4-for-6 9
Shawne Williams 1-for-1 3
Double Coverage 0-for-0 4 free throws

Just leave him unguarded next time, Jason.

Blogger chris said...
Clutch The Bear might be a less injury-prone fill-in for Yao at center these days...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
BJ -- Yep. See what he gets for playing defense?

AK Dave -- You complete me.

Stephen -- Welcome to the club. Although, at least you didn't walk around your office stopping people from doing things and exclaiming "It's a trap!" Not that I did, but...well, never mind.

anonymous #1 -- Dude, I have yet to learn how to play defense in an NBA video game, any of them...short of turning fouls way down and then mashing the steal button.

Dunpizzle -- Worst player in the league?! Hassan Adams, owner of the one trillion average, disputes that ruling. Also, I posted the Clutch video. And no, that wasn't really Yao.

AK Dave -- Heh. I'll rememer that "Cleveland Cavalier" line.

Al James -- You know...I agree. In fact, I originally meant to add a paragraph to this post stating that the trade, so far, has worked out pretty well for both teams. We might all have been wrong. Although, I'm secretly hoping McDyess will sign with Boston.

Yams -- I'm gonna quote you on that next time the Thunder suck. When do they play again...?

The Rockets are in trouble for more reasons than their dearth of size, but you're right. Not sure how they could address it at this point.

Okay, everybody: Keep a look out for Jean Luc Richard doing a facepalm. Winner gets an autographed picture of Evil Ted.

Czernobog -- I've watched him play exactly three times: Opening night against Philly (zero points, 0-for-4), at Boston (2 points, 1-for-4, zero rebounds) and versus the Magic (5 points, 2-for-9).

Now, to be fair, I've checked his game log, and yes, he's playing better (10.6 PPG, 3.9 RPG, 46 percent in threes), but he's also had the previously mentioned stinkers and another zero point game (against the Bucks). Those aren't exactly "He's arrived!" numbers...especially for a former number one overall pick.

Dan -- You'd think that would't be a problem for Kidd at this point.

Blogger koberulz said...
No mention of the entire Rockets-Mavs third quarter? The teams combined for 8-36 shooting or thereabouts. Nice to see a return to form on the Kobe entries, though. Or maybe it's just the wrestling reference.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
koberulz -- Just so you know, your comment made me decide to pick up my game on the Kobe comments...

Blogger Wang McMuffin said...
Not only did the Heat manage to waste an epic effort out of Wade, but Marion put up 20/14 - the first time so far he's gotten even near 20 points so far.

@Wild Yams - Welcome to the Roughnecks!

Blogger chris said...
Apparently Klahma not only lacks Os, but interested fans these days, after an 11-game stretch of dynastic futility similar to the early Sacramento Kings, or late Vancouver Grizzlies, or...oh...frankly, just a mere 11 games of pure fail:

Maybe they saw what the Clippers have done to their fans in the last few decades and want a head start on the banwdagon escape slides, judging from the rather similar records.

How about Juan Dixon...remember when he used to be a bad ass on D back in his college days. he missed crucial shots last night, didn't get the ball to Jamison...What happened to that guy?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@ Chris-

Call it poetic justice. Clay Bennett married his mistress, now he's finding out she's an even bigger bitch than his ex-wife.

Anyone else think that the Klahma players are a little pissed about being in OKC now? Seattle was a cool place for them- it's on the water, a relatively short flight away from Hawaii, guys like Vladie-Roddie (back in the day) could go snowboarding in the winter, they have mountains and pretty green trees and loyal fans. OKC has.... what again? No really- WHAT does OKC have that an NBA player would actually enjoy?

Luke Ridnour got lucky... and he's in freakin' MILWAUKEE... think about that for a second. Even the Clips get to live in LA, if nothing else. And when Miami was the worst team in the history of Western Civilization last season, hey, at least those guys were living in MIAMI!!!

Can we just go ahead and call Oklahoma City the undisputed armpit/asshole/hellhole/whateverelseyouwannaname of the NBA?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anyone heard the little slip up the commentators had last night. I don't know who it was but it went something like this:

"Vinnie Del Nigge.......10 second pause...........................Vinnie
Del Negro blah blah blah"

I think huge pores started squeezing out of his forehead when he said it. I think he even squeezed in the R in there, and that long silence was proof that he screwed up. I'm sure he did one of those silent d'ohs during the 10 second silence.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Bawful, today's Kobe comment is completely epic, simply because I've never seen anyone *WOOOOSH* so many times in a row until koberulz.

I'm torn whether to continue trolling the easy target or if it's become lame like beating up a first grader. A subtler solution is up to you: keep alternating daily between super-mundane and super-EXTREEEEM Kobe comments and observe the results. FOR SCIENCE!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
I'll throw my vote in here on the Kobe comments: I definitely prefer the more mundane ones, although that could be because I never watched wrestling. I like to think of Kobe going about his day and taking the last ice cube from the tray without refilling it and then giving a nice evil chuckle under his breath as he walks away. I picture him doing things like that all day long in like a comic strip or something and it makes me smile.

Also, in response to AK Dave asking what OKC has to offer, if any of the Thunder players are big into stormchasin', OKC no doubt offers an endless barrage of tornadoes for them to get out there and run down. Let's face it, any state that borders both Texas and New Mexico is bound to be crappy.

Blogger stephanie g said...
First sign your team is suffering injury problems: AK47 plays PG for awhile.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful - If you watched the game you know Bargnani doesn't get many touches. The Raps are trying to incorporate a second all-star into their offense, and they have one of the worst coaches in the league doing it.

It's still evident that Bargs is miles ahead of where he was last year, especially on defense, and his raw talent is still is still mind-boggling. He has a combination of size, quickness, and skill that you hardly ever see. All he needs is to improve his decision making, and play in a system that actually exploits mis-matches.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I don't know if it qualifies as a "worst of" but here is steve blake's head after meeting a camera during the blazers-bulls game last night. ouch.
or smaller version

Blogger Michael said...
Re: Wally - Wasn't it this site that always used to talk about "flu-like symptoms"?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Agree with Yams about the kobe comments. I mean, when Kobe hit the Hulkster with the belt- that was cold, man- but equally as cold was when he walked away from the printer after it jammed without fixing it.

I bet he never replaces the toner in the fax machine either. That's the REAL reason he and Shaq were enemies.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Perhaps Kenyon should remember the 2003 Finals where TD blocked 32 shots (mostly on him), which is a Finals record, not to mention the 21-20-10-8 line in the last game. Just sayin', maybe it's Timmy who doesn't let Kenyon do his thing.