The end of the NBA regular season means the final installation of our sort-of-but-not-really weekly powerless rankings. So this is the last time (this season) that I'll get to wipe my butt with the Eastern Conference while Hardwood Paroxysm delivers a well-placed nutshot to the Western Conference.

1. Miami Heat: In the immortal words of the great poet/philosopher Clubber Lang: "Dead meat."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You only live once. Luckily, today, Heat fans get to finally feel like they've embraced the sweet release of death. So they only live twice. So Heat fans are kind of like James Bond. This has become pointless. Much like the Heat.

2. New York Knicks: For some reason, I keep getting this vision of Isiah Thomas sitting in bed, drinking Boone's Farm straight out of the bottle, and listening to Journey's Don't Stop Believing over and over.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's been fun, Zeke. Really. I mean, not for Knicks fans. Or citizens of New York. Or Anucha Brown. Or David Stern. But for the rest of us? A lot of fun. And no one can take that away from you. And hey, you still have your health! Unless they somehow make incompetence illegal. Then I would run, far, far away.

3. Charlotte Bobcats: Why all the doom and gloom, Bobcat fans? I'm sure Gerald Wallace, Adam Morrison and Sean May will all be back and healthy next season. Between that and the high draft pick, you can probably count on this team for upwards of 36, maybe 37 wins in 2008-09.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They put together a solid series of games, and then close out the season by losing an embarrassment to the Nets. Yup. Them's the Cats.

4. Chicago Bulls: Yeah, I'm probably going to hold off on buying those season tickets. I don't really feel like "hating it live."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Why are the Bulls here and the Bucks above them, even though the Bulls plastered them with 151 the other night? Because the Bucks recognize the virus and are cleaning house. That's why.

5. Milwaukee Bucks: Now that they have John Hammond on board, all they need is Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rasheed Wallace. Then their transformation into the Pistons will be complete.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Getting a member of one of the most successful front offices in the league to head the new regime, promising actual change at the top, tanking to move up the lottery? They're trying to get better. Do they KNOW what that does to their powerless rankings?

6. New Jersey Nets: See, Nets fans? Vince Carter totally cared at the end of the season and it didn't change anything. So please don't expect him to start caring next year. Update! Basketbawful reader Shrugz had this to add: "vince carter caring at the end of this season is like a captain of a battleship that decides to start firing back after the ship starts sinking."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Good news, Nets! You've gone from woefully underachieving to unnoticeably mediocre. So that'

7. Indiana Pacers: Their future is now in Larry's hands, and Larry's hands alone! [sobs]

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So close, Indiana. So close. Maybe next year, you can get swept by the Celtics.

8. Atlanta Hawks: Memo to the Hawks: I bet this is exactly how General Custer felt.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: No, seriously, that giant broom coming broom of Glory!

9. Philadelphia 76ers: Damn. They're stuck playing Detroit in the first round. I hate that their feel-good story has to end this way.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Congratulations, Philly. You're the professional equivalent of Davidson.

10. Cleveland Cavaliers: Hey, Danny Ferry. Way to surround LeBron with "talent." Maybe you can sign Kwame Brown in the offseason, too. I hear he'll be available.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Okay...carry the a 45 degree angle...divide by the remainder...X=.... Oh, sorry, I was just figuring out how many points LeBron has to average in order for the Cavs to make it to the Finals again. I'll get back to you when I have an answer.

11. Toronto Raptors: How many chemotheraphy sessions would it take to get rid of their T.J. Ford? Or is it terminal?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Canadafail.

12. Washington Wizards: Has anyone noticed that this season's Wizards have been the bizarro clone of last year's club? They started the season with little hope only to become a scary force going into the playoffs.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's like God said "Okay, you made it through last year and this year. I'll make you the team no one wants to face in the first round. Go on with you bad, excessively nicknaming selves!"

13. Orlando Magic: Huh. Maurice Evans had a career-high 27 points against the Hawks. I guess their backcourt issues are solved, eh? Eh?!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I'm having a hard time finding anything about this team that's not impressi...Keyon Dooling. Oops.

14. Detroit Pistons: Flip Saunders is totally riding his bench to the Promised Land. Wait, Flip Saunders is using his bench? And...Rasho Nesterovic is averaging 18 and 7 this month...and Dirk Nowitzki is hitting clutch shots...ALIENS! ALIENS! THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: And lo, I saw a fro'd rider, on a fro'd horse. And his name was Sheed. And hell (and terrific perimeter defense) followed with him.

15. Boston Celtics: If the Celtics meet the Lakers in the Finals, I hope KG makes Kobe pay for stealing his MVP award. And I mean pay dearly. (Sweep the leg, Johnny!)

Hardwood Paroxysm says: These guys are like a Disney movie only nothing bad happens. It's all fun and song and dance, and then a happy ending. And yes, in this scenario, Leon Powe is the teapot.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
vince carter caring at the end of this season is like a captain of a battleship that decides to start firing back after the ship starts sinking

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I really should post a comment after reading the whole thing but oh well

the TJectomy is scheduled to be performed over the summer.

Chemotherapy is a last resort and will take 3 years starting in the summer

The doctors suggested we wait till after playoffs before scheduling, to see it the TJ Ford virus may be able to help the Raptors win a playoff series.

They believe the results may be the same as the last and only playoff roudn the Raptors won.
This round was won with the most Contagious and devastating disease of all.....the Vince Carter syndrome

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Complications with this surgery include reliance on the other main virus, the Calderon virus. Although an entertaining one, this virus is a little too conservative in attacking pathogens, as well as an inability to defend against fast-acting attacking viruses.

Other possible alternatives include getting a "Wingoplasty" whereby a wing player who can actually slash and defend will be augmented to the patient, or a four month treatment with Postx, a drug that will allow all number one picks to play with their back to the basket.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Health Alert!! - from the Raptors' doctors
the Vince Carter Syndrome consists of the following:
1. when initially contracting the disease you will experience a sudden high. (length of time varies)
2. as time passes the syndrome produces an effect of sloth, lazyness, lack of energy. Observers will notice obvious highs and lows.
3. one dreaded symptom is Joy when getting your butt kicked. some people may suspect you devuldge in S&M behind closed doors
4. as you realize you have lack of energy, effort, etc. the sudden high comes back. (see. 1)

This completes the cycle of the syndrome
only known cure is when the virus decides to leave through force or just too lazy to cause you harm anymore

AHAHa I'm enjoying this too much