President Bush met with the Miami Heat yesterday to celebrate the NBA Championship they won eight months ago. All in all, it was a pretty boring affair in which Antione Walker was mentioned by name and singled out for praise. Ugh...I think I just threw up a little. Anyway, the "highlights" included:

1. How many straight? The president tried to display a carefully scripted "knowledge" of the NBA by reciting how the Heat won the title. Said Bush: "They weren't supposed to win. And they did something no team has done in nearly 30 years, which is win four straight, and become the NBA champs." Actually, the Lakers won four straight in the 2001 NBA Finals. And the Bulls did it in 1991. The Pistons did it in '89. Oh, and the 76ers did it in 1983. Okay, okay...I'm nitpicking. I know he was talking about the '77 Portland Trailblazers who, like the Heat, won four straight after falling behind 2-0. But that's not how he said it. Sorry. Non-basketball people pretending to know basketball just annoy me.

2. When did he score 25,000? Said Bush: "[Shaq] scored his 25,000th point in his career last night -- or recently. And we congratulate you for that -- last night, yes, last night." Wait, he remembered all that crap about no team winning four straight for almost 30 years, but he forgot about something that happened last night? Yup, that's my Bush.

3. Is that "awe" in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Said Bush: "Standing next to Shaq is an awe-inspiring experience." If this was 2003 or earlier, I might agree.

4. Exactly how much is "a lot"? Said Bush: "Dwyane Wade has given a lot of his salary to his church." Maybe if he'd given "a whole lot" the Big Guy would have been watching out for D-Wade's shoulder. Just sayin'.

5. How do I know if I "count"? After presenting the President with a honorary Heat jersey, Pat Riley baffled everyone by saying, "I voted for the man. If you don’t vote you don’t count." That's funny. And the Pope said I don't get into heaven if I don't believe a magical old man in the clouds made me out of monkey bones. What did the Pope and Pat Riley do to warrant that kind of authority?

6. Follow the bounching...ball? Shaq and Wade presented Bush with a basketball signed by all the Heat players. During the post-press conference photo ops, Bush tried to bounce the ball, only to watch it hit the stage with a thud. Everyone laughed, but in that slightly-embarrassed-after-walking-in-on-their-dad-naked kind of way. See for yourself:

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