Chronological Snobbery (kran'-uh-laj'-uh-kul snab'-uh-ree) noun. The logical fallacy that something from an earlier time -- be it thinking, art, science, or sport -- is inherently inferior when compared to that of the present.

Usage example: Many people assume that today's NBA players are stronger, faster, and more talented than players from the 60s, 70s, and even 80s. That's a clear example of Chronological Snobbery.

Word History: The term was coined by British philosopher/author/poet/critic
Owen Barfield. According to Wikipedia, Chronological Snobbery occurs "when someone makes the presumption that since civilization has advanced in certain (usually scientific) areas, people of earlier time periods must have been on the whole less capable in all areas." Likewise, many NBA fans simply can't imagine how players from earlier eras could compete with the "stronger and more athletic" players of today. Even so-called experts like ESPN columnist Eric Neel think that today's stars are categorically superior to the stars of times past.

This type of thinking is short-sighted, and can be easily dismissed with a little thoughtful analysis. It's been proven, for instance, that athleticism is meaningless without an accompanying surplus of skill (refer to careers of phenoms such as Harold Minor, Eddie Griffin, et al.). It's also been proven that a truly skilled player can overcome a lack of overwhelming athleticism to become one of the best players in the world (Larry Bird, Magic Johnson). For these reasons, among others, the "Stronger + Faster = Better" argument doesn't hold much weight with me.

Furthermore, it's probable that the the gap between the athleticism of Now versus Then has been somewhat overstated. First of all, the game has become much more flamboyant over the years. In his autobiography A View From Above, Wilt Chamberlain stated flatly that many of his NBA contemporaries possessed speed, strength, and jumping ability that was comparable to players in the modern era. He then pointed out that, in the 60s and 70s, the high-flying game of today was considered arrogant and classless. There were players who could jump and dunk like Jordan, but they (typically) didn't want to show up and embarrass their opponents in any other way than by winning the game. Chamberlain also claimed that many coaches specifically told their more athletic (i.e., black) players not to be too flashy, for fear of alienating a primarily white fanbase that was suspicious and fearful of African American men and their relative athletic prowess.

These factors have changed. Modern players love nothing more than showing up their foes as a means of attaining "respect" (usually in the form of money), and the fan base -- although still primarily caucasian -- now seems to prefer hot-dogging and show-boating to sound, fundamental play. And as this ideological change progressed, the media coverage of the NBA (and most other major sports) has grown exponentially. We'll never be able to watch Wilt's 100 point game, but you can buy Kobe's 81 point game on eBay or watch it on YouTube. The athletic feats you can see, and those memories that are most recent, tend to be much more compelling than those of a forgotten (and unrecorded) past.

Of course, there's also a sort of Reverse Chronological Snobbery, where people feel as though the present can't possibly reach the heights of the glory days of decades past. Bill Simmons, for instance,
remains convinced that the NBA reached its absolute peak in the 80s and has only gotten progressively worse since then. Players from the 60 and 70s, and the fans who grew up watching them, think that era is superior. Of course, it's impossible to prove anything, because teams across eras will never be able to compete. What's best, probably, is to develop a healthy appreciation of the history of the game, while at the same time enjoying today's NBA without wasting too much time on cross-time comparisons.
I was pretty excited to post the Kobe Bryant lowlight video earlier today. For me, that video was like Christmas, No Pants Day, and a bar mitzvah...all rolled up into one. But reader Nels disagreed. He thought the video was lame.
No offense - since I do like seeing Kobe shut down - but that's a pretty weak video. I mean, half of the players schooling him aren't even on those teams anymore, let alone still in the league itself. I mean, Steve Smith on the Blazers? John Stockton on the Jazz?
That comment was as disappointing as slipping your hand into a stripper's bra and instead of being greeted by a firm, erect nipple ready to chant out the letters in your name, you yank out a wad of sweaty Kleenex. Thanks for being my wet blanket, Nels.

How can you discriminate against that video just because some of the clips are a few years old? Is Mozart's music any less meaningful because he's a couple hundred years dead? Is an original work by Picasso any less stunning because he didn't paint it yesterday? And, even more importantly, is Kobe trying to rap any less hilarious because he did it in the late 90s? To each of these, I say: No.

But here at Basketbawful, we are nothing if not proactive in pleasing our audience. Therefore I give you this: a more up-to-date anti-Kobe video. It lovingly recreates the Lakers' first round playoff loss to the Suns, including several different angles and still shots of Raja Bell's infamous clothesline, which, frankly, I never get tried or watching. Enjoy!

While searching for "Yinka Dare" on YouTube (seriously), I came across this espacular video of "how much Kobe Bryant sucks and is overrated." It's chock-full of airballs, blown dunks, and turnovers. You also get to watch Kobe be posterized, have his shot stuffed (including once particularly vicious atom smasher by Greg Ostertag), and get punched in the face...more than once. The ultimate Kobe ego-ectomy!!

OK, so we've discussed why Dirk Nowitzki can't wipe Larry Bird's ass, and we even proved Larry would kick Dirk's ass on Gamecube NBA Live 2006. Now it's time for a walk down memory lane to the original "who's better?" matchup. It is the battle royale that precedes all others, has the bonus element of racial tension, and still manages to involve my favorite player of all time, Larry Bird. I speak, of course, of Larry Bird vs. Dr. J.

The mop against the fro.

The hick against the doc.

"White men can't jump" vs. "I can leap over your head in a single bound, cracker."

Even back then, few people knew that scads of teens yearned to simulate a matchup between Larry Bird and Dr. J, many of them choosing to take one black rock, one white rock, mash them against each other, and keep primitive score on an abacus...

...but the folks at Electronic Arts knew, God bless their Flock of Seagulls souls.

The glorious battle would commence with the arrival of the video game "One-on-One" in 1983. Thousands flocked to their Atari 7800s, their Commodore 64s, and their Apple IIs for a chance to manipulate 17 pixels with a joystick and a button.

Larry and Julius at their undisputed studliest.

Just as we were all learning about the amazing 1.44 MB capacity of the 3.5" disk and excited about our impending upgrade to DOS 6.2, we were also looking forward to seeing how the wizards at EA would portray our heroes of the hardwood...

...and were astonished by the results:


I've actually doctored this photo, replacing the faces with their 1983 EA counterparts. If you look very closely, you can see the slight pixelation around the eyes and hair. But otherwise, yes, I agree. The resemblance is remarkable.

You can almost smell the sweat in the locker room, can't you?
And Dr. J 24, Bird 6? What low-grade 80's crack is this game on?

Even the options page was a piece of magnificent artwork:

Notice how VAR SITY has to be split into two words? I'm no
programmer, but even I know they should have used a smal-
ler font. Sheesh.

"One-on-One" enjoyed record-setting popularity, amusing us with the antics of a white stick figure (Larry) and an orange stick figure (Dr. J). It's actually kind of amazing to realize what the EA guys managed to do graphically, considering they only appeared to have three colors to play with.

Despite the popularity of their game, however, the EA dudes yearned to offer the world more...

...and opportunity presented itself in fall of 1984 in the form of a girly choke fight between Larry and Dr. J. EA programmers decided to immortalize this moment in NBA history with an offshoot of it's popular game entitled "NBA Bitchslap." This version of the game was just like the original "One-on-One," except that with a simple button/joystick down/button/joystick up move, a player could make digital Larry stare down digital Dr. J, and then proceed to choke the shit out of him.

The cover of the ill-fated "NBA Bitchslap"

This game promised to be one of the greatest selling of all time, but sadly was never released. In an effort to overcome the lameness of the actual fight, EA decided to add unnecessary violence to the digital scuffle, allowing for kicking, spitting, semi-automatic weaponry, furniture throwing, and cats and dogs sleeping together. As a result, the game was far too violent for the youth it was meant to entertain, and had to be scrapped.

Was NBA Bitchslap tasteless? Or was it simply too advanced for its time? NBA players now regularly kick, spit, and use semi-automatic weaponry, both on and off the court. EA simply saw where society was headed, and put it in their game. Ballsy.

Nowadays, it's virtually impossible to find this game. But I am vigilant, and loyal to our basketbawful audience. I went to Washington and paid a visit to the National Archives. To get past the first level of security, I had to bribe a staff member. To get past the second, I had to blow a staff member. To get past the third...well, I'm in therapy for that and would rather not discuss it.


I did manage to get what I was looking for. No, not syphillis, smartass -- screenshots from the game:

The fateful "chokehold" moment of NBA Bitchslap.
Note the advanced 4-bit graphics.

This is how every game ended - with both players
dead in a pool of their own blood. Charming.

I submit that NBA Bitchslap was ahead of its time, the Grand Theft Auto of its day. The only thing missing was pimps and hos.

Well that's it, mainly because I'm too tired to go any further. I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane, back to a more innocent era -- a time when Dennis Rodman had nipples that weren't pierced, Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS (what the hell ever happened with that, anyway?), and Isiah Thomas had the respect of those around him.
horribysmal (hor'-uh-biz'-muhl) noun. Anything related to the sport of basketball that is so apalling, so mind-bendingly terrible, that the words "horrible" and "abysmal" cannot adequately describe the wretched badness of it.

Usage example: Have you seen Steve Nash's new haircut? He looks absolutely horribysmal.

Word History: The word was coined by Michael Rosenberg in the article Pistons realize offense rules the NBA. Rosenberg used it to describe Ben Wallace's freethrow shooting. And if there's anything in this world that's so woeful that we have to actively change the English language just to talk about it, it's Big Ben's freethrow shooting.

Ben goggles
His freethrows aren't the only thing that's horribysmal.
Portland, Oregan bus driver Allen Heckard -- whose anguish-inducing resemblence to NBA legend Michael Jordan forced him to file an $800 million lawsuit against Jordan's wallet -- has officially dropped the lawsuit.

Heckard told the Sports Director of
KGW Northwest NewsChannel 8 (Portland's local NBC affiliate) that dropping the suit was in "everyone's best interest." He had no further comment, but one reporter noted that, immediately after dropping the lawsuit, Heckard began blowing spit bubbles and shitting himself. A Nike spokesman has gone on the record to confirm that the lawsuit has been dropped and that Heckard is "fuckin' cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, dude. I mean, seriously."

An artist's rendition of "Jordan Look-Alike" Allen Heckard.

Special Report: Here's a rundown of KGW Northwest NewsChannel 8's Top 5 Hottest Anchorwomen:

1. Nicole Doll: She's not really that hot, but her lipstick reminded me of the prostitute I lost my virginity to, and that's worth something. Nicole's
bio reads like stereo instructions, so, unfortunately, she's probably pretty average in bed. Oh well.


2. Andrea Cantu: Ms. Cantu came in second because she satisfies that Asian fetish we have. Unfortunately, she's actually Hispanic, so we totally struck out there. We were further confused by her bio, which states she's "a lifelong duck." Well, screw it. We don't care what she is. We'd still sleep with her.


3. Nancy Francis: We didn't choose Nancy third just because she has two first names. She's also wearing glasses, which means we can finally live out that naughty librarian fantasy we masturbate to every Tuesday night.


4. Stephanie Striklen: The pickings are getting slim, which is the only reason a woman like Stephanie could come in number four. It looks like her face has been painted on by a five year-old practicing abstract art with his own bodily waste. She's pretty exciting, too. She enjoys weeding her garden, beading and other craft projects, and taking long walks with her dog, Milo. Stand back, drooling on my future wife.


5. Amy Troy: When I first typed this out, I spelled "Amy Troll" instead of "Amy Troy," which probably says everything you need to know. When she isn't frightening small children by reading the news, Amy can be found "galloping her horse Buck." So either Amy is an equestrian (Re: someone who likes horseys) or she's a domme into pony play. If it's the latter, she immediately moves up to number one.


Dishonorable Mention -- Jane Smith: While I think it's noble of KGW to hire a post-operative transexual, I don't think being an equal opportunity employer means you have to subject your viewing audience to someone so shockingly monstrous. Seriously, how does someone this ugly end up on a television show other than Ripley's Believe It Or Not? And how about that name? Jane Smith?! If that's not a name a guy would choose after medically transforming into a woman, I don't know what is.

I have to admit, the total lack of compelling NBA news has been killing me lately. During the season, the first thing I do when I get into work is browse through, Yahoo Sports, and so on to check scores and see what's going on. Now I have to come into work and actually do, you know, work. After all, the constant stream of Allen Iverson trade rumors gets boring after a few months.

Fortunately, I always check
GorrillaMask, which serves as a link dump for loads of really funny stuff (seriously...go check it out). And to my complete and utter astonishment, they linked to a story about Steve Nash shaving his head!!

Nas bald
"Just two more weeks of chemotherapy..."

Um, yeah. Leave it to Steve Nash to go from having the worst hair in the NBA to the worst no-hair in the NBA. Seriously, could a bald head possibly look any worse? People were already complaining about how a floppy-haired white guy just doesn't look the part of a league MVP. I don't think it's going to help now that he looks like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens 3.

Aliens 3
"Fuck. Now I look like Steve Nash."

So what inspired Steve to go all "cancer patient" on us? If you're looking for some profound revelation, there isn't one. According to Nash: "I just cut it. I don't really have a rhyme or reason. I felt like taking it off." Let's just hope for the sake of what we all had for breakfast that his hair is the only thing he randomly decides to take off.

We can understand wanting to lose the hair, Steve, because honestly, it looked like something a jungle cat hacked up after eating an antelope or whatever. But couldn't you have gone for a nice Caesar cut, know...some other kind of hair cut guys get? Did you have to go straight to the Mummified Corpse cut? There has to be a nice inbetween.

Oh well. At least his defenders won't have to be splashed with the sweat dripping of his hair ringlets anymore.
off the heezay (of thuh he'-zee) noun. A streetball move in which the offensive player places the ball on or throws it off of the defender's head before retrieving it and cutting to the basket.

Word Trivia: Although the move can be wildly entertaining when executed by skilled players on the streetball circuit or an AND1 mixed tape, it is actually quite annoying when employed during an actual pickup game. Unfortunately, more and more urban youths (many of which are decidedly UNskilled) try to use maneuvers like the off the heezay because they think they're streetballers. The off the heezay is second only to the "dribble the ball between the defender's legs" move for causing turnovers and broken plays in pickup leagues and health clubs across the country.

How It's Done: According to
HoopsVibe, the off the heesay (which they refer to as "off da heezay") is executed as follows:
1. Dribble low and fast to draw the defense toward you.

2. When they crouch into the defensive position, straighten up and throw the ball gently off their forehead.

3. Catch the ball and continue dribbling.

Videographic Extra: Here's a rather amusing example of the off the heezay I found on YouTube.

One-Name Litmus Test (wun-name lit'-muhs test) noun. A method used to determine the relative greatness of an NBA player: If the player is regularly referred to and easily recognized by a single name (or nickname), then his greatness transcends any tangible value. That player therefore should be considered "untradeable" under any circumstances.

Usage example: There has never been any question about whether the Cleveland Cavaliers organization would kill themselves to hold onto Lebron. He passed the One-Name Litmus Test while he was still in high school.

Word History: The term was coined by Bill Simmons in an article titled Lakers ignored history's mistakes. While discussing a list of all-time greats who had been traded (Sir Charles, Shaq, Kareem, Wilt), Simmons paused to reflect on the relationship between greatness and single-name recognition:
"And yes, there's a reason I only used first names for the guys in the preceding paragraph. They earned the right to be mentioned on a first-name basis. And that's a good rule of thumb, for any team in any sport -- you probably don't want to lose someone who can carry off a single name. Call it the One-Name Litmus Test."
One notable exception to the One-Name Litmus Test is Denver Nuggets center Nene. However, this represents a contrived attempt at joining the One-Name Club, since he had his name legally changed (although I can't blame him for not wanting to go by his given name of Maybyner Rodney Hilario). This deception may or may not have played a part in the ridiculous $60 million contract he recently signed.

Word Trivia: Notable "one-namers" include: Dominique, Isiah, Larry, Hakeem, Kareem, Kobe, Lebron, Magic, Michael, Moses, Oscar, Shaq, Wilt. If for some reason you don't immediately recognize any of these names, you're a disgrace to your country and you probably hate your mother.

One-Name Litmus Test
Forget it, Nene. You aren't in the club.
Is this the most ironic name ever for a man who allegedly slept with 20,000 women?

Perhaps if his parents had known what a
prolific "scorer" he would become,
they'd have named him Chubby.
According to some idiot at the Indianapolis Star, the Pacers are going to miss Austin Croshere's leadership. Even though its premise is completely insane, the article didn't come as any great shock to me. This is the kind of witless story that gets vomited up every time a team trades away a moderately productive veteran. It's basically a polite way of saying, "[Insert Name Here] didn't bring enough to the table to justify keeping him, but he accepted his role on the team and, as far as we know, he didn't rape or kill anybody."

croshere leads
Sure, he sucked ass, but he's wasn't a criminal. You go Austin!

To prove Croshere was a vital cog in the Pacers Machine, the writer basically went on a rant about how dysfunctional the rest of the team is. I really can't argue with that. Stephon Jackson is a thug who'd probably be robbing a 7-11 right now if he wasn't an NBA millionaire. David Harrison was bordine psychotic, until he finally crossed the border. And most of the other players are either perpetually injured or constantly sulking about their role on the team.

But not Austin. He hit the lottery when he signed that long-term contract after the 2000 NBA Finals, and he knew it. Plus, since he'd fallen so far below expectations, nobody expected anything from him anymore. A huge contract and absolutely no responsibility -- hell, he was just happy to be there. And as it turned out, he was the only guy happy to be there. I guess that made him relevant somehow, but I'm still trying to figure out how exactly.
"He showed, though, that a guy doesn't have to put up major numbers or stick around 18 years to leave footprints. Croshere always was, and still is, one of the good guys. He wasn't the player the Pacers or the city hoped he would be, but he was always a pro's pro and a solid teammate, two of the elements today's team is sorely missing."
And that's the sole defense of Austin and his 7-million-a-year contract: He was "one of the good guys." Give me a break. It's not like Austin was helping little old ladies across the street or rescuing kittens from burning buildings. He was gobbling up valuable cap room and providing precious little in actual basketball talent. To put this into perspective, last year Croshere made $4 million more than NBA Finals MVP Dwayne Wade, and only $2 million less than regular season MVP Steve Nash. But hey, you can't put a price on character, can you?

But forget all of that. Fine. Austin was a cool guy. And sure, they really do need more people with his attitude on this "me-first" version of the Pacers. But do you know what else they need? How about some actual talent. The Pacers' roster looks like it would have trouble competing in the NBA Developmental League. The team is slow, undersized, and lacking in athleticism. The bench is thinner than Lindsey Lohan, and only two of the starters are proven scorers. Right now, on paper, they look like one of the worst teams in the Eastern Conference.

I'm not saying Croshere was the problem, but keeping him wasn't part of the answer. While he wasn't a locker room cancer, I think the "leadership" this writer was referring to was either non-existant or unrecognized. Nobody on that team was using Croshere as a model for how to play and behave. Do you think Jackson thinks to himself, "What would Austin do?" right before he punches a hooker? I highly doubt it. Austin is part of the Pacers' past, and it's a better past: 50 and 60-win seasons, major playoff runs, a trip to the NBA Finals. But that's all it is: the past. It's time for the team to move on and try to mold this crap into a bigger, better pile of feces. And, from that perspective, I'm glad to see him go.
Apparently, the Boston Celtics are in the process of holding auditions for the first ever Celtics Dancers. I find it depressing that the once great Boston Celtics - the team that held my full and undivided attention for over a decade, the team that once boasted Larry Bird and later had a chance to retain him as GM - are now so off my radar that I didn't even know that they had not yet started up a cheerleading team. I guess somewhere in my subconscious, I assumed they had already done it in a pathetic effort to divert attention from the utter lack of talent on the court...

...but now it's official. Mark this as the moment that the Celtics have
jumped the shark (as if there haven't already been plenty of moments prior to this). By creating a cheerleading team, Resident Genius Danny Ainge and other execs have officially decided that they don't have enough boobs in the organization. If Red Auerbach had any real power left, he would crush those responsible. Nowadays, however, all he can do is wait in earnest for death, so that he might begin rolling over in his grave.

Oh well, at least it gives us an excuse to look at hot babes in skimpy cutoffs dancing in front of decades-old Celtics Championship banners.

Need to rekindle your interest in
sex, Superman, and the Boston Celtics? Voila.
Just off the top of my head, I can think of about 37 justifiable lawsuits someone could file against a former NBA superstar. Some sample lawsuits include:

1. Dr. J for practicing Funkadelic Dunkology despite holding only an honory degree.

2. Magic Johnson for starting that whole "AIDS thing."

3. Karl Malone for impersonating a federal employee.

4. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for being a whiney little bitch.

5. Larry Bird for being white (if he was black, he'd be just another "good guy").

But despite the fact that several hoop legends have committed legitimate crimes against humanity, some idiot has filed the most indefensible lawsuit of all time. Portland resident Allen Heckard is suing basketball superstar Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for bags and bags of free money. Why? Well, Heckard says he's been mistaken as Michael Jordan nearly every day over the past 15 years...and he's tired of it.

"I'm constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me. Even when I go to the gym I'm being accused of playing ball like him."

And if the "people accuse me of playing like Jordan" part didn't make you spit out your drink and say "Yeah, right!", then just keep reading.

Jordan look-alike
Dude, you might have a better case if you
actually, I don't know, looked like Jordan.

The Crime: According to Heckard, Jordan is guilty of defamation and permanent injury, as well as emotional pain and suffering. Knight, on the other hand, is guilty of defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world.

What He Wants: A paltry sum of (prepare to hold a pinky finger up to your mouth)...$832 million dollars! That's $416-million each from Jordan and Knight, by the way. If you're wondering how Heckard calculated this astronomical amount, it goes like this: "Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and, ah, then I turn around and, ah, I figure that's what it all boils down to." I'm not nearly smart enough to argue with that math.

Why He's Fucking Nuts: Due to some amazing genetic fluke, Heckard "looks like" Michael Jordan. Which essentially means he's black and, after shaving his head, he's black and bald. Just like Mike! Here's the thing, though. I'm white. If I went out and shaved my head, I wouldn't suddenly look like Bruce Willis or Captain Jean-Luc Pickard. That's just crazy.

But forget about all that. Let's assume he's physically identical to Jordan. So...what? Maybe I just can't imagine the pain and anguish of people accidentally thinking I'm a godlike athlete with incalcuable wealth and the adoration of billions of people, but I can't help but feel that that Heckard is totally full of shit. How can that possibly ruin your life? At the very least he should have been able to translate his vague resemblence to Jordan into sex with hoards of hot babes. And if that's true, he has no case. And if it isn't true, he's too stupid to deserve all that money. He should be in a special home where they make you wear adult diapers and put you to bed by 7 p.m.

In all his frenzied litigation, Heckard hasn't explain exactly what Jordan and Knight have done wrong. He's basically suing Jordan for just being himself, and Knight for cashing in on it all. How were they supposed to avoid that? You know, I'd be in the NBA right now if all the people who are more talented than I am weren't playing basketball. Can I sue them for ruining what would have been a multi-million dollar lifestyle? If so, where are the papers...I'm ready to sign!

I can only hope this case gets dismissed immediately. If it isn't, then you'd probably better start stocking up on bottled water and shotguns, because the dark apocolypse has officially begun. Since he's very clearly an idiot, it's hard to tell whether Heckard is serious about this lawsuit -- we are in the American Idol age, after all, and he could just be trying to get a little television exposure. But when asked whether he thought the lawsuit, and the money he's asking for, is reasonable, Heckard simply said, "Well, You never can put a value on a person's life. You know you're taking my lifestyle away from me. So you know...we'll let the ball bounce like Michael does...where it's supposed to fall."

Update: In an unexpected surprise, Heckard dropped the lawsuit. Which either means he's not as stupid as I thought, or he's stupider. You be the judge.
In between Stephen A. Smith outbursts and pissing matches with David Stern, there were actual college players drafted into the NBA! Let's take a look at the NBA's ongoing trek towards unprofitability:

Andrea Barqnani:
Foreign players are always a bit of a mystery (e.g. the disappearance of Dino Radja, the meaning of "Boniface N'Dong"), but Barqnani is damn versatile; a 7-footer that can shoot the J and take people off the dribble. But 'Dre is softer than Alan Alda, scouts expect him to play all three frontcourt positions. He not be able to defend any of them. Raptors Expect: the next Dirk Nowitzki. Basketbawful Expects: a poor man's Toni Kukoc.

LaMarcus Aldridge: The fact that Portland traded Tyrus Thomas and Viktor Khryapa for another PF speaks volumes about the franchise's opinion of Zach Randolph. Aldridge is probably the best post scorer in the draft, but the Blazers should take notice of his average rebounding and block totals, despite being 6'11" and insanely athletic. Although moving Krhyapa off the roster should make up for this.
Blazers Expect: Chris Bosh. Basketbawful Expects: Armon Gilliam.

Adam Morrison: Much like being compared to Michael Jordan in the 90's, being endorsed by Michael Jordan these days is quickly becoming a precursor for disappointment (see: Kwame Brown, Jamal Crawford). Scouts gush over his Larry Bird-esque intensity and intelligence on the offensive end. Basketbawful wishes the media would come up with a new comparison for jump-shooting white guys. Bobcats Expect: Increased ticket sales. Basketbawful Expects: Wally Szczerbiak, without the range (only 36% on 3's in college, 76% on FTs).

Tyrus Thomas: It's hard to get enthusiastic about this one. Big Baby can jump out of the gym, but we see an undersized PF that dunks everything in sight and has no low-post game whatsoever. We've been hearing nothing but comparisons to fellow LSU alma mater Stromile Swift, and that's hardly a compliment. Bulls Expect: Stromile Swift. Basketbawful Expects: Tyson Chandler...but shorter!

Shelden Williams: Shelden is a banger, shot blocker and is a decent scorer in the post. He played 4 years of college and should contribute right away. Which makes the fact that Atlanta drafted him that much more mystifying. Hawks Expect: Buck Williams. Basketbawful Expects: The Hawks to screw this up somehow.

Also worth mentioning:

Portland Tradeblazers: Portland made 49 trades on draft night and landed LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy, who are arguably better prospects than any of the players they dealt. On the downside: they managed to hang onto Darius Miles and Zach Randolph, and are now stuck with Raef Lafrentz.

New York Knicks: Isiah has a CBA flashback and drafts Renaldo Balkman, a player who, on the surface, seems worthy of the Rockford Lightning. But, when you take a closer look, they probably wouldn't have taken him either.

Isiah Thomas, Western Conference: Kevin McHale continued his fixation on stumpy shooting guards (last year's drafting of Rashad McCants, Troy Hudson's inexplicable job security) by trading early ROY candidate Brandon Roy for 6'3" Randy Foye. Historically, undersized 2's have struggled mightily in the NBA. But if things go well: Foye could be the next Tony Delk. Wouldn't that be awesome.

Boston Celtics: Delonte West was probably their 2nd best all-around player last year, and is justly rewarded by bringing in Sebastian Telfair and Rajon Rondo to vie for his PT at the point. But at least Raef is gone.

Houston Rockets: Played the part of Santa Claus this draft by trading Rudy Gay and Stromile Swift to Memphis for Shane Battier. A role player swap, with a lottery pick...thrown in?!? I may be missing something, but I doubt it. Our prediction: Rudy Gay makes all-rookie first team, while Houston is again wondering who will pick up the slack while Tracy McGrady is on the injured list.

Golden State Warriors: It took exactly one minute for Dan Patrick to label Patrick O'Bryant a "project". Which means: they finally found a backup for Adonal Foyle and Andres Biedrins.

Seattle Sonics: Mouhamed Saer Sene? The Sonics draft their 3rd straight project that's greener than grass and has almost no organized b-ball experience. Johan Petro and Robert Swift will take Sene under their wing and share their years (well, year.) of experience. Good thing Giant Gonzalez wasn't on the board.

Orlando Magic: JJ Redick: Hopefuls say he'll carve himself a niche as a spot-up shooter. We think it'll take a helluva lot of shooting to hide the fact that he's short, can't run the point or stay in front of a Coke machine. Best Case Scenario: Voshon Lenard...? More Likely: In 2009, he'll be playing Trajan Langdon's team for the Euroleague championship.

The Steal of the Draft: The Jazz get a bargain at 14 with Ronnie Brewer, a combo 2/3 that does a little bit of everything. Basketbawful Expects: All-Rookie 1st team if he starts. Salt Lake City will finally wash that Deshawn Stevenson taste out of their mouth, but the rest of the country will still get Matt Harpring and Gordan Giricek confused.
According to the U.S. Consumer Produce Safety Commission, basketball causes more injuries than any other amateur sport. In 2005 alone, basketball sent 512,213 American citizens to the emergency room. For those of you who aren't mathemologists, that's over five hunrded thousand...which is just a little less than five hundred more thousand away from a million. I know you'll all join me in saying: Wow.

The following list shows the Top 15 injury-causing sports in the United States:

1. Basketball: 512,213
2. Bicycling: 485,669
3. Football: 418,260
4. Soccer: 174,686
5. Baseball: 155,898
6. Skateboards: 112,544
7. Trampolines: 108,029

Softball: 106,884
9. Swimming/Diving: 82,354
10. Horseback riding: 73,576
11. Weightlifting: 65,716
12. Volleyball: 52,091
13. Golf: 47,360
14. Roller skating: 35,003
15. Wrestling: 33,734
I was a little surprised to see bicycling come in at number two. I guess we probably have Lance Armstrong to thank for that. It'd be interesting to know how many of those bycyclists were wearing little yellow bracelets at the time of their injury. The real shocker, though, was that fact that golf made it on the list. You read that correctly: golf. A total of 47,360 people got injured badly enough while playing golf that they had to go to the emergency room. Even subtracting the 10 or 15 idiots who continue to play through a thunderstorm and end up getting struck by lightning, that's still a lot of goddamn injuries. And golf isn't even a real sport.

Frankly, I think the government needs to step in and do some investigation. I think there's got to be some kind of insurance fraud going on. Beating up a hooker with your putter shouldn't count as a golf-related injury. And if the government actually finds out that these injuries are legit, they should draft legislation that forces anyone badly injured during a golf game to legally change his/her name to Mr. or Ms. Vagina Vaginastein. You might think I'm being a little harsh, but
this article supports my hyphothesis that people hurt during golf are pathetic weaklings.

But I digress. Hopefully, this information will let all the football and hockey people know that basketball is the real "Tough Guy" sport. Ballers don't have the benefit of several hundred pounds of protective padding and helmets. We get shorts and a tank top. For example, take a look at the following picture:

Iverson injuries

Those are the injuries Allen Iverson suffered during one game. By the end of his career, he's probably going to be a quivering pile of hamburger meat...and he'll still be playing 40 minutes a game. That's incredible. And stupid. But not stupid enough for the Celtics to want to trade for him.