OK, so we've discussed why Dirk Nowitzki can't wipe Larry Bird's ass, and we even proved Larry would kick Dirk's ass on Gamecube NBA Live 2006. Now it's time for a walk down memory lane to the original "who's better?" matchup. It is the battle royale that precedes all others, has the bonus element of racial tension, and still manages to involve my favorite player of all time, Larry Bird. I speak, of course, of Larry Bird vs. Dr. J.
The mop against the fro.
The hick against the doc.
"White men can't jump" vs. "I can leap over your head in a single bound, cracker."
Even back then, few people knew that scads of teens yearned to simulate a matchup between Larry Bird and Dr. J, many of them choosing to take one black rock, one white rock, mash them against each other, and keep primitive score on an abacus...
...but the folks at Electronic Arts knew, God bless their Flock of Seagulls souls.
The glorious battle would commence with the arrival of the video game "One-on-One" in 1983. Thousands flocked to their Atari 7800s, their Commodore 64s, and their Apple IIs for a chance to manipulate 17 pixels with a joystick and a button.
Larry and Julius at their undisputed studliest.
Just as we were all learning about the amazing 1.44 MB capacity of the 3.5" disk and excited about our impending upgrade to DOS 6.2, we were also looking forward to seeing how the wizards at EA would portray our heroes of the hardwood...
...and were astonished by the results:
You can almost smell the sweat in the locker room, can't you? And Dr. J 24, Bird 6? What low-grade 80's crack is this game on?
Even the options page was a piece of magnificent artwork:
Notice how VAR SITY has to be split into two words? I'm no programmer, but even I know they should have used a smal- ler font. Sheesh.
"One-on-One" enjoyed record-setting popularity, amusing us with the antics of a white stick figure (Larry) and an orange stick figure (Dr. J). It's actually kind of amazing to realize what the EA guys managed to do graphically, considering they only appeared to have three colors to play with.
Despite the popularity of their game, however, the EA dudes yearned to offer the world more...
...and opportunity presented itself in fall of 1984 in the form of a girly choke fight between Larry and Dr. J. EA programmers decided to immortalize this moment in NBA history with an offshoot of it's popular game entitled "NBA Bitchslap." This version of the game was just like the original "One-on-One," except that with a simple button/joystick down/button/joystick up move, a player could make digital Larry stare down digital Dr. J, and then proceed to choke the shit out of him.
The cover of the ill-fated "NBA Bitchslap"
This game promised to be one of the greatest selling of all time, but sadly was never released. In an effort to overcome the lameness of the actual fight, EA decided to add unnecessary violence to the digital scuffle, allowing for kicking, spitting, semi-automatic weaponry, furniture throwing, and cats and dogs sleeping together. As a result, the game was far too violent for the youth it was meant to entertain, and had to be scrapped.
Was NBA Bitchslap tasteless? Or was it simply too advanced for its time? NBA players now regularly kick, spit, and use semi-automatic weaponry, both on and off the court. EA simply saw where society was headed, and put it in their game. Ballsy.
Nowadays, it's virtually impossible to find this game. But I am vigilant, and loyal to our basketbawful audience. I went to Washington and paid a visit to the National Archives. To get past the first level of security, I had to bribe a staff member. To get past the second, I had to blow a staff member. To get past the third...well, I'm in therapy for that and would rather not discuss it.
However...
I did manage to get what I was looking for. No, not syphillis, smartass -- screenshots from the game:
The fateful "chokehold" moment of NBA Bitchslap. Note the advanced 4-bit graphics.
This is how every game ended - with both players dead in a pool of their own blood. Charming.
I submit that NBA Bitchslap was ahead of its time, the Grand Theft Auto of its day. The only thing missing was pimps and hos.
Well that's it, mainly because I'm too tired to go any further. I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane, back to a more innocent era -- a time when Dennis Rodman had nipples that weren't pierced, Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS (what the hell ever happened with that, anyway?), and Isiah Thomas had the respect of those around him.
The mop against the fro.
The hick against the doc.
"White men can't jump" vs. "I can leap over your head in a single bound, cracker."
Even back then, few people knew that scads of teens yearned to simulate a matchup between Larry Bird and Dr. J, many of them choosing to take one black rock, one white rock, mash them against each other, and keep primitive score on an abacus...
...but the folks at Electronic Arts knew, God bless their Flock of Seagulls souls.
The glorious battle would commence with the arrival of the video game "One-on-One" in 1983. Thousands flocked to their Atari 7800s, their Commodore 64s, and their Apple IIs for a chance to manipulate 17 pixels with a joystick and a button.
Just as we were all learning about the amazing 1.44 MB capacity of the 3.5" disk and excited about our impending upgrade to DOS 6.2, we were also looking forward to seeing how the wizards at EA would portray our heroes of the hardwood...
...and were astonished by the results:
I've actually doctored this photo, replacing the faces with their 1983 EA counterparts. If you look very closely, you can see the slight pixelation around the eyes and hair. But otherwise, yes, I agree. The resemblance is remarkable.
Even the options page was a piece of magnificent artwork:
"One-on-One" enjoyed record-setting popularity, amusing us with the antics of a white stick figure (Larry) and an orange stick figure (Dr. J). It's actually kind of amazing to realize what the EA guys managed to do graphically, considering they only appeared to have three colors to play with.
Despite the popularity of their game, however, the EA dudes yearned to offer the world more...
...and opportunity presented itself in fall of 1984 in the form of a girly choke fight between Larry and Dr. J. EA programmers decided to immortalize this moment in NBA history with an offshoot of it's popular game entitled "NBA Bitchslap." This version of the game was just like the original "One-on-One," except that with a simple button/joystick down/button/joystick up move, a player could make digital Larry stare down digital Dr. J, and then proceed to choke the shit out of him.
This game promised to be one of the greatest selling of all time, but sadly was never released. In an effort to overcome the lameness of the actual fight, EA decided to add unnecessary violence to the digital scuffle, allowing for kicking, spitting, semi-automatic weaponry, furniture throwing, and cats and dogs sleeping together. As a result, the game was far too violent for the youth it was meant to entertain, and had to be scrapped.
Was NBA Bitchslap tasteless? Or was it simply too advanced for its time? NBA players now regularly kick, spit, and use semi-automatic weaponry, both on and off the court. EA simply saw where society was headed, and put it in their game. Ballsy.
Nowadays, it's virtually impossible to find this game. But I am vigilant, and loyal to our basketbawful audience. I went to Washington and paid a visit to the National Archives. To get past the first level of security, I had to bribe a staff member. To get past the second, I had to blow a staff member. To get past the third...well, I'm in therapy for that and would rather not discuss it.
However...
I did manage to get what I was looking for. No, not syphillis, smartass -- screenshots from the game:
I submit that NBA Bitchslap was ahead of its time, the Grand Theft Auto of its day. The only thing missing was pimps and hos.
Well that's it, mainly because I'm too tired to go any further. I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane, back to a more innocent era -- a time when Dennis Rodman had nipples that weren't pierced, Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS (what the hell ever happened with that, anyway?), and Isiah Thomas had the respect of those around him.
3 Comments:
Word of the Day
Previous Posts
Word of the Day: horribysmalJordan lawsuit dropped
Steve Nash is BALD!!
Word of the Day: off the heezay
Word of the Day: One-Name Litmus Test
Thought of the day
The Croshere Era isn't leaving us misty-eyed
No talent? No problem. Sell sex instead.
Man sues Michael Jordan for looking like him
All you need to know about this year's draft
Links
Archive
January 2005February 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
January 2013
February 2013
March 2013
April 2013
May 2013
June 2013
July 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
June 2018
July 2022
contact: basketbawful@yahoo.com
I also learned in my studies that Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain actually played in the 1950's and 60's. You must be confusing them with the Champaign Abe Lincolns, who were, according to my reliable online sources, the force of the league in the 1860's.
I smell Bill vs. Wilt on EA NBA '06.