Mavs Man is the official team mascot of the Dallas Mavericks, but he does more than jump through flaming hoops to dunk a basketball. He also delivers personalized holiday greetings. And if you hadn't waited until the last damn minute to buy your girlfriend some wilted roses and a beat-up box of candy from Fannie Mae, you could have hired Mavs Man to deliver his own unique brand of Valentine's Day love. For only $225.

"From Friday, February 10 through Tuesday, February 14 have MAVS MAN make a personal appearance at your Valentine's home, office or school between 9:00 AM and 6:00 PM. The appearance will last approximately 5-10 minutes and is accompanied by the Dallas Mavericks mascot delivering a gift basket to your Valentine!"
A gift basket, you ask? Oh yes. The basket your sweetie won't be getting this year includes a wide variety of fabulous surprises, which I will now unsurprise for you:
  • Dallas Mavericks T-Shirt
  • Mascot Doll
  • Dallas Mavericks Bumper Sticker
  • Autographed Mascot Photo
  • Candle
  • Box of Candy
  • Valentine's Day Balloon
  • Valentine's Day Card
  • Digital Photos Of The Appearance
  • Plus much more!
Huhn. So it's basically a propaganda package for the Mavericks. You know, Hitler employed a similar tactic, only his Valentine's Day "gift basket" included the Nazi flag, a Luger pistol, and a man-sized Easy-Bake Oven. Suffice to say, holidays in Germany during the 1930s were pretty scary. Personally, I want to know what "Plus much more" means. Does Mavs Man do a strip tease? Or make out with you? Maybe he brings porn along. I don't know. But I'm not dropping two hundred dollars to find out.

Mavs Man VD
Valentine's Day has changed
a lot from when I was a kid.

Wedgietastic Extra: The actual caption from the above picture reads "This student was the talk of the school after receiving his Valentine surprise a day early." I'm sure that's 100 percent true, too, assuming you define "the talk of the school" as being subject to ridicule, random beatings, and about 50 Atomic Wedgies. Thanks, Mavs Man!