In a move slightly more disastrous than most of their personnel moves over the last 10 years, singer Phil Collins was hired today as head coach of the Chicago Bulls. The hiring was seen as controversial, since Collins' only professional sports experience has been lead musician for every promo during the 2005 NBA finals and wrestling the Ultimate Warrior.

John Paxson was in a jovial mood when defending the much-debated hiring earlier today. "Now I can't dance, but the Bulls fans can feel it in the air tonight. Against all odds, you can see coach Collins' true colors, even for just one more night. (Collins) may be older, but he has an invisible touch, and he can turn it on again. It's time for another day in paradise!" Paxson later admitted he didn't know what a Sussudio was.

ESPN analyst John Hollinger was also optimistic on the hiring. "Scott Skiles may have been an abrasive character, but Phil Collins can't stop loving you. And that's crucial, since you can't hurry love. He's an easy lover. He'll get a hold on you, believe it. He's like no other." Hollinger also prepared an algorithm proving rock group Genesis had a higher PER following the departure of Peter Gabriel.

The Bulls are in the land of confusion, and John Paxson is in too deep and may be throwing it all away. That's all.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, John Hollinger, john paxson, pure fiction, the 80s

Kobe Bryant became the youngest player in NBA history to (bleep) 20,000 (bleep)s on Sunday, reaching the mark 12 days quicker than Wilt Chamberlain.

Bryant (bleep)ed 39 (bleep)s following the Los Angeles Lakers' 95-90 win over the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden, eclipsing 20,000 (bleep)s during (an offensive term for a naughty multi-person encounter).

He reached the milestone at 29 years, 122 days, while Chamberlain was 29 years, 134 days old when passing the mark. Michael Jordan, the only other player to reach the mark before turning 30, was 29 years, 326 days old.

"It is special to do 'it' here," Bryant said. "The culture of basketball here, it is the Mecca, it is special to play in Madison Square Garden. This is my favourite place to (bleep)."

Chamberlain, who is fourth on the NBA's all-time (expletive deleted) list with 31,419 (bleep)s, holds the record for fewest games needed to reach 20,000, reaching the mark after 499. Bryant needed 811.

Bryant, who entered the NBA in 1996 out of Lower Merion High School in suburban Philadelphia, is 31st on the NBA's career (expletive deleted) list with 20,019. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the all-time (bleep)er with 38,387.

Labels: Kobe Bryant, pure fiction, Wilt Chamberlain