In a move slightly more disastrous than most of their personnel moves over the last 10 years, singer Phil Collins was hired today as head coach of the Chicago Bulls. The hiring was seen as controversial, since Collins' only professional sports experience has been lead musician for every promo during the 2005 NBA finals and wrestling the Ultimate Warrior.

John Paxson was in a jovial mood when defending the much-debated hiring earlier today. "Now I can't dance, but the Bulls fans can feel it in the air tonight. Against all odds, you can see coach Collins' true colors, even for just one more night. (Collins) may be older, but he has an invisible touch, and he can turn it on again. It's time for another day in paradise!" Paxson later admitted he didn't know what a Sussudio was.

ESPN analyst John Hollinger was also optimistic on the hiring. "Scott Skiles may have been an abrasive character, but Phil Collins can't stop loving you. And that's crucial, since you can't hurry love. He's an easy lover. He'll get a hold on you, believe it. He's like no other." Hollinger also prepared an algorithm proving rock group Genesis had a higher PER following the departure of Peter Gabriel.

The Bulls are in the land of confusion, and John Paxson is in too deep and may be throwing it all away. That's all.

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Anonymous Tristan said...
"Hollinger also prepared an algorithm proving rock group Genesis had a higher PER following the departure of Peter Gabriel."

Classic. Poor Phil Collins, it's not his fault he's a cheesedick.

Blogger Dave Fromm said...
At least he's wearing a jacket in the photo. It wasn't required.

Hey, look on the bright side. Maybe you can draft Kevin Love and soft-rock your way to the playoffs.

Anonymous Dunpizzle said...
John Hollinger already made his formula for next season's probability of making the playoffs and finals.

He has the Bulls with a 95% chance to win it all with Phil Collins as coach.

Anonymous karl said...
SUPER Man-love

Anonymous Jonny Drama said...
When you do the post about the Celtics vs Pistons you HAVE to mention Rasheed Wallace!!!

No video on odenized yet, found it on youtube

Blogger Rob Mahoney said...

Blogger anne said...
But seriously, I can't take the video of him with the Ultimate Warrior at face value. It seems like the Warrior has an invisible touch in many of the scenes.

Also I love that man love video. Turiaf is funny as hell. However, I'm mad because Yahoo doesn't have a photo of it up, lol.

Blogger Neil Biswas said...
this post was, to put it simply, absolutely brilliant.


Anonymous Emma said...
I thought I'd send in this horrendously outdated [and expensive!!] Lakers playoff ticket.. you'd think Jerry Buss could afford to pay $8/hr for an intern to update this shit.

Anonymous ak dave said...
Wow... did you pull all of those songs/albums/lyrics off the top of your head or did you lay all your Phil Collins CD's out on the floor and look at them as you were typing?

More importantly- HOW and WHY do you remember all of those songs/albums/lyrics?

Finally, I believe Hollinger actually stated that Peter Gabriel had a lifetime PER greater than that of all of Genesis combined. Not only that, but his true shooting percentage was around 97% and he drew more charges per 48 minutes of overtime periods in which the home team wore off-color uniforms on a neutral court during the monsoon season during nationally televised games that had playoff significance than any other singer/songwriter IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Well played sir, well played. Cop that Peter Gabriel!

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