No day at Basketbawful is complete without at least one facepalm photo.
The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: Could there be a better presecription for Boston's recent woes than playing the woeful Bullets? Well, except for playing the Nyets or Timberpoops, that is. No, of course not. Still, this contest was closer than the Celtics faithful would have liked...until the fourth quarter. That's when the (recently) Luckless Leprechauns outscored Washington 25-10 to ice the game. However, it was a win that had Bullets center Brendan Haywood crying foul. But mostly just crying.

Said Haywood: "You're playing against the Boston Celtics, so you're not going to get a lot of calls. KG's going to set illegal screens; they're not going to be called. That's just part of the game. You're going to go to the basket, and if it's not basically just a straight-up WWF body slam, you're not getting the call."

Just for kicks, let's go ahead and look at the final tallies. Personal fouls: Boston 23, Washington 24. Free throw attempts: Boston 36, Washington 36. Mind you, the Bullets average 24.7 FTAs per game, which means they were 11.3 FTAs over their average in this game. As always, I'm just sayin'.

As for Haywood's claims, the Celtics must have been "fouling" the Bullets on their jumpers too, because Washington went 19-for-50 from the outside and only 1-for-10 from downtown.

Antawn Jamison: 'Tawn joined KG in the "Chris Webber Memorial Limpin' Around Bravely On One Leg All-Stars" thanks to a left knee that went all gimpy during the pregame warm-ups. The dude was clearly laboring, which might explain why he got whistled for five fouls in the fourth quarter and scored only 8 points on 2-for-17 shooting, including 0-for-9 in the second half. Antawn's performance also had Washington coach Flip Saunders crying foul. But mostly just crying. "I thought the refereeing was inconsistent at times. I thought that 'Tawn got hit a few times. You don't go 2-for-17 in his situation and not get to the line more than six times. The guys were just really frustrated, especially 'Tawn, because of a lot of no-calls."

Reality check: 13 of Jamison's 17 shot attempts were jumpers, which traditionally don't result in a lot of foul shots.

Gilbert Arenas: So...a few hours before tipoff, an op-ed piece by Arenas was put up on The Washington Post's Web site in which Agent Zero pledged to be a better role model and said he understands "guns and violence are serious problems, not joking matters." Too little, too late, Gil.

The Miami Heat: The Bucks' 97-81 win in Maimi was the Heat's second-largest home loss of the season. Not bad for a team that entered the game 5-18 outside of Milwaukee. As for the Heat, things started off lousy and pretty much stayed that way. Miami set new season-lows by shooting 17.6 percent in the first quarter and 27.5 percent in the half. They ended up shooting 36.4 percent for the game...which was their third-worst FGP of the season.

As Basketbawful reader kazam92 put it: "The Heat are no longer the bipolar girlfriend. They just suck period. They were up 11-0 and got an anal fissure the rest of the game."

Bad news for Heat fans: In the next three weeks, Miami has only one more game in, er, Miami. In their next five games, they have roadies against the Celtics, Crabs, the suddenly red-hot Bulls and the Hawks. Can anybody smell the sub-.500 awaiting the Heat? It's that slight aroma of barbequed dog hair and fail.

Jermaine O'Neal The Drain missed the game with back spasms. Remember last season when some Miami fans insisted to me that O'Neal (12 PPG, 7 RPG) was going to make a huge difference on the Heat? Of course, those same people said Jamario Moon was going to play like an All-Star for Miami...and now Moon's playing in Cleveland. I'm just sayin'.

Erik Spoelstra, captain obvious: Regarding his team's blowout loss at home to a 21-25 team: "Needless to say, that was a very tough evening for us." Yes. That was needless to say.

The Phoenix Suns: Yes, they've won three in a row after a really ugly stretch of near Clipper-ness, but last night, against the Chris Paul-less Hornets, they let a 20-point third-quarter lead (83-63) dwindle to two (100-98) with 1:41 left in the fourth. Did I mention rookie Darren Collison -- playing in CP3's place -- lit 'em up for 16 points and 14 assists en route to the near comeback/upset? If it wasn't for a couple clutch plays by Grant Hill, the Suns might have lost this one. So here's an artist's rendition of the Suns nearly crapping away yet another 20-point lead:

Somebody get him a newspaper. This could take a while.
Amar''''''e Stoudemire, quote machine: "We did a phenomenal job defensively. It all goes down to our defensive effort. In the past three games we've done a great job with that. We wanted to come out and set the tone early." Reality check: For the season, New Orleans averages 99.9 points on 45 percent shooting. Against Phoenix, the Hornets scored 100 points on 45 percent shooting. I'm not sure "holding a team without its best player to its averages" really qualifies as a "phenomenal job defensively." Oh, wait, we're talking about the Suns. It might actually be phenomenal defense for them.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Ha, ha! Suck it, Fakers!

Sorry. Couldn't help myself. Headlines like " The Grizzlies might have overshadowed Kobe Bryant's night by beating the Lakers" give me a happy. Regarding Mamba's night, he scored 44 points to pass Jerry West as L.A.'s all-time leading scorer. Mind you, West scored his 21,192 points on 19,032 shot attempts over 932 games. Bryant passed him by taking 19,271 shot attempts over 997 games. So yes, Bryant is the Lakers' new all-time scoring champ...but it was kind of by attrition.

Anyway, L.A.'s loss isn't too shocking, despite the Grizzlies' recent mini-slump. The second night of back-to-backs on the road against a good team usually results in a loss. Although it's worth noting the Lakers had a chance to win at the buzzer. However -- take note, Celtics -- Memphis sent a wave of defenders at Mamba, who was forced to pass the ball to Ron Artest. Not surprisingly, Artest missed. For all his talent, Ron-Ron never had a reputation as a clutch player.

Said Kobe: "They had like three guys [on me]. Ron was wide open in the corner. I'll take that look any time. It just went a little long." He'll take that look any time...but only if he absolutely cannot get the shot himself. We all realize that, right? I mean, Mamba took 28 shots while Pau Gasol finished with seven FGAs and Andrew Bynum got only three. Kobe absolutely shot well (16-for-28), but is there any reason Byrant needed 18 more shots than the team's two best percentage shooters combined? Of course not. And Phil Jackson noticed.

Said P-Jax: "At halftime, I told the guys that he [Bryant] was forcing the action, and let's get him over the hump and start playing team basketball. It didn't seem like we ever did." If by "we" he meant "Kobe," Phil is absolutely right.

Mike Conley: Mike bonked a couple freebies with 21 seconds left that could have iced the game. This guy buckled so bad he should be made into a belt to hold up the pants of fail.

Rudy Gay: He played well -- 21 points, 10-for-19 -- but he did have a pretty hilarious boner in the first half, as described in the AP game notes: "The teams were tied at 24 at the end of the first because of a mental lapse by Gay, who thought the game clock was running out and fired up a 47-footer with about 5 seconds left. The errant shot bounced hard off the backboard, and the Lakers moved the ball to Bryant, who connected on a 3-pointer from the corner as time expired."

Whoops.

Michael Wilbon: He seriously suggested that Kobe might deserve to become the NBA's new logo and also steal West's "Mr. Clutch" nickname. To which I say: Are you fucking kidding me?! Wilbon needs to be crammed into a large burlap sack and then beaten with large, heavy things. Wilbon's ridiculous little monologue was the most exploitative pile of feces since...since...since Bad Girls Go To Hell.


The Dallas Mavericks: Just as the Heat have lost their bipolar girlfriend designation by descending into the steamy bowels of suckitude, the Jazz are losing theirs by not sucking. After a tight first three quarters, Utah outscored Dallas 27-16 in the final 12 minutes to earn a 104-92 home win over the Mavs.

The key? Dallas was weak inside, as the Boring Musicians outrebounded the Cowboys 43-34 and outscored them 54-32 in the paint. Then, once Utah put on the nipple clamps in the final period, that was all she wrote.

Said Dirk Nowitzki: "They just stepped up their pressure in the fourth. I couldn't get any looks. I barely had the ball in my hands." Sounds like a personal problem.

That makes six straight wins for the Jazz, who are surging, and I don't mean in a my-stomach-after-capping-off-a-night-of-binge-drinking-by-eating-a-burrito-as-big-as-my-head kind of way. With this latest victory, Utah pulled to within a half-game of the Mavericks for third place in the Western Conference standings. But wait, there's more! The Jazz also clinched the season series 2-1, giving them the tiebreaker over the Mavs.

This really shouldn't surprise anyone. Dallas has won, what, 10 one-point games this season? Games that close are usually about 50-50. The fact that the Mavericks pulled them all out probably means their record is at least slightly deceiving.

Erick Dampier: "Ericka" finished with zero points and 2 rebounds despite starting at center and logging 20 minutes of PT. And this is the point where I remind you, faithful readers, that, years ago, Mark Cuban opted to let Steve Nash walk away and then used the money he refused to spend to retain Nash on Dampier. This fact must never, ever be forgotten.

The Sacramento Kings: The Nuggets were playing their fifth straight game without Carmelo Anthony (anal spasms), and it actually looked like the Purple Paupers were going to take advantage of 'Melo's extended vacation. Sacto was up 64-50 at halftime and 72-55 with 6:34 remaining in the third quarter before going into "Collapse Mode." I'll save our intrepid lacktion reporter some pain and just cut to the chase: The Kings ended up losing to the Nuggets 112-109 in OT.

Damning stat of the night: The Kings gave up 25 points off 19 turnovers. And 15 of those TOs happened during the second half.

Said Sacramento coach Paul "I'm not Vinny Del Negro" Westphal: "I can't give them credit for forcing turnovers. I give us blame for not being strong with the basketball. I think the Nuggets were ready for us to take the game, but we let them start feeling it, did not execute offensively. I honestly don't think the Nuggets woke up until late in the fourth quarter. And then in overtime they were really good with their intensity. They were feeling like they might as well win and they did."

So the Kings were feeling like they might as well lose...and they did? Oh, what a feeling.

Keep in mind that the Paupers were without Tyreke Evans, who was a late scratch due to a vaginal bleeding. But that doesn't change the fact that the Purple Ones have lost 10 straight road games and are 3-18 since the 35-point comeback in Chicago.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats arrived in Portland with a 6-17 road record, and they left with a road record of 6-18 after the Frail Blazers whupped them 98-79. Charlotte is one of those classic "good at home, bad on the road" squads that experts say is scary...but they really aren't. Yes, I know they posted a 12-4 record in January, which was a franchise record for wins in a single month. And I also know the Bobcats averaged 112.7 points in their past three games, and that those wins all came on the road. But then again, they were also against the Suns, Warriors and Kings...defensive sieves one and all.

Do not let those deceiving samples fool you. When Stephen Jackson is absolutely critical to a team's success, then your team is fundamentally flawed.

One of Captain Jack's biggest problems is ball control, and sure enough, he and teammate Boris Diaw tied for a game-high in turnovers (5), which was a big part of why the Bobcats gave up 28 points on 21 turnovers.

Mitigating factor: This game was Charlotte's fifth in seven days as part of a six-game Western Conference road trip. So maybe I'm wrong about all that stuff I said. Maybe the 'Cats really can make some noise this postseason.

Yeah. And maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Update! Lacktion report: Sorry for the brain fart...I forgot Chris's lacktion report on the first go-around:

Celtics-Bullets: Brian Scalabrine fired off three fouls in 9:54 to negate an assist for a 3:0 Voskuhl, while Fabricio Oberto was sparked by Dominic McGuire's absence to blast into the lacktion ledger with two fouls and a giveaway for a +3 in 4:22 that also earned a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Lakers-Grizzlies: DJ Mbenga and Josh Powell no doubt will have boosted Jerry Buss's bank for his next poker match, judging from their collection of 1.15 trillion (1:10) and 1.6 trillion (1:37) respectively!!!!

Suns-Hornets: Morris Peterson pawed at two pieces of masonry from the French Quarter for a +2 in 8:20, while Sean Marks dropped a foul in 2:50 for a +1 that also counted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Kings-Nuggets: Sean May took a foul in 1:43 for a +1 (and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl).

Bobcats-Frail Blazers: DeSagana Diop negated a board in 2:24 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl, while Portland's Patrick Mills made his second career appearance in the Association count with a giveaway and brick for a +2 in 1:37.

Labels: Charlotte Bobcats, Dallas Mavericks, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Clippers, Michael Wilbon, Washington Bullets, Worst of the Night

Your current status: Pitied, fool!
Basketbawful called me up, said fools were being unpitied and jibba-jabba was going unchallenged! Well, no mo', suckas. Mr. T is here to change all that.

Greg Oden: A few years ago, some fool tried to give me one 'a those health sammiches from Subway. I took one bite 'a that thing and said, "Where's the meat? This sandwich is full of weeds! I ain't eatin' nothing I don't understand!" Well, when I made that request for meat, NSFW pictures of Greg Oden was not what I was askin' for, chumps!

I know it goes without sayin'...but I pity the fool that's gotta call a press conference to explain how his penis ended up on the Internet.


The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: People ask what gives me the authority to give advice? I say, First of all, I don't give advice. Dr Phil gives advice. Mr T helps people. I motivate them, I inspire them, I give them hope, and I plant the seed so they can feel good about themselves. Hear me?!

Well, there ain't a damn thing I can say that's gonna make these chumps feel good about themselves. That'd be like tellin' the people who went down on the Titanic, "Don't worry, more boats are on the way, they'll be here right after you die of hypofreezia or whateve'."

Forget the fact that the Bullets let the Lakers shoot damn near 60 percent from the field. Those fools got owned by Shannon Brown. There ain't no shame in gettin' owned by Kobe Bryant. Dude is a former MVP. But Shannon Brown? They even let that dude sneak in and dunk a missed free throw. Take it from T: That's sad.


After the game, Antawn Jamison talked about how his team is without Gilbert Arenas and that other sucka who brought a gun into the team's locker room: "We've been through some crazy stuff that don't normally happen. I wish both guys could come back and play, but as a team, we've got to deal with what we have."

You know how Mr. T feels about excuses...I pity the fools who make 'em.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: What kind 'a chumps lose by 27 to a team that just lost by 50 the other night? These chumps, that's who. The Timberfools let the Knicks hit 17 threes. Teams who can't lift up their damn hands and get 'em in peoples faces don't even deserve pity. They deserve pain.

According to whatever sucka keeps track 'a this stuff, New York's 27-point win is the largest margin of victory in NBA history by a team coming off a 50-point loss. What's mo', the Knicks became the third NBA team to ever win by 20 or more the game after losing by 50. So I may not have any pity for the Timberfool, but history sho' does.

The Phoenix Suns: I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close.

Well, that's how I feel about these chumps. I like the Suns. I like Steve Nash. I like Grant Hill. I don't like Amar''''''e Stoudemire. That's one fool I truly pity. But I like the rest 'a them guys. But after last night, the Suns have lost seven times in their last nine games, and they're 12-18 since starting the season 14-3. What's even more pitiable, the Bobcats came into this game 3-17 on the road. You gotta protect your home, fools!

You also gotta protect the ball. You can't be givin' up no 19 points off no 24 turnovers. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Steve (6 TOs), and you, Amar''''''e (5 TOs).

The Golden State Warriors: According to record-tracking suckas, the Kings came into this game having lost 14 of their last 16 games, and both of their wins came against the same chump team that was missin' one of their best players both times. As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal. Well, the Kings haven't even had that. They've been dieting on pity and failure.

Well, that's what the fool Warriors had for dinner last night. Those chumps shot 31 percent from the field, with Grand Master Chump Corey Maggette going 3-for-22. How does some fool end up going 3-for-22 anyway? When you ain't hitting shots, you stop shootin', fool! If I'm tryin' to punch people in the face, but I keep missing their faces, I'd do something else, like take out their knees, or maybe kick 'em the jimmies. Take it from T: You gotta diversify, fools!

Seriously, there were so many fools in this game, even Mr. T can't pity 'em all. So here's my official Warriors-Kings Pity List: Corey Maggette, Vladimir Radmanovic (0-for-1 in 7 minutes), Cartier Martin (6-for-15), Ronny Turiaf (ugly sumbitch), Anthony Tolliver (2-for-11), Kevin Martin (1-for-9)...and pretty much everybody else.

Lacktion report: My buddy Chris ain't no fool. Read his lacktion report or I will be forced to pity you!

Lakers-Bullets: Luke Walton clearly is blessed with better health than his famous father, as his knees did not explode under the load of a Koopa shell for a 2 second Super Mario! For Washington, Javale McGee fired back at the Hammer Brothers for a 30 second Mario.

Wolves-Knicks: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 3:31 for a +1 suck differential, while New York's Jordan Hill climbed a singular mountain of masonry for the same suck differential score in 1:10.

Bucks-Mavs: Jodie Meeks and Quinton Ross each tossed one brick from Fountain Place for a +1 - Meeks in 1:44 and Ross in 3:46.

Bobcats-Suns: In an overtime victory, DeSagana Diop and Stephen Graham celebrated with enough money to buy themselves vintage pairs of Air Jordans, with 5.2 trillion (5:14) and a 6.3 trillion (6:20) cashouts respectively!

Warriors-Kings: As Nellieball nearly caught the purple paupers napping in the second half AGAIN, until a bizarre foul call on Corey Maggette brought the boogie night to a close for East Oakland's non-defensive showcase (a showcase, which BTW, gave the Sacramento-era baby royals their BEST EVER rebounding performance as a team with 68!!!!!)...

Starting forward Vladimir Radmanovic tossed one brick, lost the rock once, and took a foul for a +3 in 7:18.

Speaking of Maggette, while he didn't lack it up - how can you with 19 points - he DID score a Dantley after baking masonry 19 out of 22 times from the field, but making a full 13 of 16 attempts from the stripe!

Labels: Golden State Warriors, Greg Oden, guest author, guest celebrity, Minnesota Timberwolves, Mr. T, New York Knicks, Washington Bullets, Worst of the Night

Ever wonder what the passengers who couldn't catcha lifeboat off the Titanic looked like? Well, this is it.
The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: More social proof for the Atlanta Hawks: They beat the Bullets, who were outscored 50-22 in the paint and 21-3 on the break. See?! The Hawks can beat anybody! Credit the Bullets for actually making a game of it after falling behind by 22 points. Meanwhile, Antawn Jamison (25 points and a career-high 19 rebounds) is apparently trying to lock up the Mitch Richmond memorial "Tragically Good Player on an Awful Team" award. Speaking of Antawn...

Antawn Jamison, quote machine: "That first half, I'm missing shots that I make with my eyes closed. During the course of the season, you're going to have games like that." First, why are you taking shots with your eyes closed, Antawn? Second, a lot of things suddenly make a lot more sense to me.

Jamal Crawford, supreme confidence machine: "If I miss my first 10 shots, that doesn't faze me. In the fourth quarter, I make my shots." Quick quiz: How many playoff games has Jamal Crawford appeared in during his career? Quick answer: None.

The Phoenix Suns: Apparently, the Suns are trying to set the record for most double-digit leads surrendered in a single season. Their latest choker was kindly giving away a 24-point lead before losing 122-114 to the Indiana Pacers. As if that wasn't bad enough, Mike Dunleavy Jr. went 9-for-14 from the field, 4-for-7 from downtown, and 8-for-8 from the line on his way to a season-high 30 points in only 26 minutes.

Nice defense, guys.

Oh, and Nice offense in the third quarter, when you shot 26 percent and got outscored 39-23. Oh, Dunleavy has 18 of his points during that 12-minute stretch. Well, at least Steve Nash snapped his streak of 5+ turnover games. He lost the ball only once while finishing with 20 points, 9 assists...and 7 stitches.


The Pacers -- who in their last game came back from 23 points down against the Raptors -- now have the second and third-biggest comeback wins this season. The first-biggest, of course, is Sacramento's 35-point return from death against the Bulls.

By the way, the Basketbawful Best Suggestion of the Night goes to reader Johally:

I have a ridiculous proposition.

Someone should confront Steve Nash and convince him to grow a mustache. Then we could abbreviate his name into 'Stash'.

The conversation would go something like this: "You already have a terrible haircut. Why not grow a mustache to match so we can abbreviate your first and last names together to create 'Stash" for the latter part of your career. What have you got to lose? Seriously.

I know what you're thinking. There is no way he'd say no to that...

Actually, I was thinking best idea ever.

Knicks-Sixers: The Basketbawful Game of the Night lived down to expectations. There was tragedy (Sam Dalembert is from earthquake-devastated Haiti, David Lee's grandfather just died), bad offense (neither team scored more than 93 points), the purely inexplicable (Allen Iverson turning down a potentially game-winning shot) and a crocodile-tear-inducing one-point loss for the home team (Philly).

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy of the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued as the Boston Celtics -- sans Kevin Garnett and Rasheed Wallace -- scored a season-high 71 points in the first half, had seven players in double-figures, and built a 36-point lead before winning 111-87 in New Jersey.

Oh, and "team leader" Devin Harris chewed out his teammates during halftime.

Said Chris Douglas-Roberts: "Everybody was pretty upset at halftime. Devin was pretty upset. (Coach Kiki Vandeweghe) came in with a speech basically saying we've got to turn things around. Devin, it wasn't a speech. He was just letting off some frustration. It was good. It was the first time I've seen him let of frustration like that. I'd rather see that."

Uh huh. Well, you know it's time for me to point out that the Nyets are 26-75 since Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" in December of 2008 in what is becoming, not only the greatest stat curse of the 2008-09 season, but perhaps one of the greatest stat curses of all time.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Well...it turns out they are who we thought they were after all. On the same day they lost number one overall draft pick "Blake Superior" to season-ending surgery, The Other L.A. Team got groin-punched 108-94 by the Hornets in New Orleans. The Clips, who shot so poorly from downtown (1-for-14) that David Stern nearly revoked their three-point shooting rights, have now lost two straight after winning four in a row. I know...shocker, right?

Said L.A. coach Mike Dunleavy Sr.: "We just didn't have a good game." Thanks for the insight, Mike.

By the way, how long before the U.S. Surgeon General legally declares playing for the Clippers to be hazardous to a person's health? The answer: Not soon enough.

Marcus Camby, comfort machine: "I texted him to let him know this is a minor blemish on his career and that he would get over it." Camby should have added "after you leave the Clippers." Which raises the question: Is Blake Griffin simply faking his injury to avoid ever playing for the Clippers?

Every team that passed up on DeJuan Blair: On the same day the number one overall pick in the 2009 NBA Draft got scratched for the season before playing a single game, the 37th pick set new career highs with 28 points and 21 rebounds (in only 31 minutes!!) to help his Spurs pull out a one-point win in overtime against the Thunder in Oklahoma City. And the ancient Spurs were playing without Tim Duncan in the second game of back-to-backs after blowing out the Lakers in San Antonio the night before.

I officially offer the most sarcastic golf clap ever while shaking my head in disgust at the many GMs who bypassed The Beast.

By the way, this nomination came from Basketbawful reader J.R., who said: "Sure Blair's legs may fall off within the next five years, but how many guys from the 2009 draft class are ever going to post a 20-20? P.S. I think we can pencil in Number 2 overall pick Hasheem Thabeet (completely owned in college by Blair) as a 'no.' But at least Thabeet is only making five times as much as Blair this season."

The Dallas Mavericks: So, uhm, are we still supposed to believe the Mavs are contenders? The Lakers were playing on the second night of back-to-back road games, Pau Gasol was still out, and Kobe "Broken Finger" Bryant hobbled through the game with back spasms. What Mamba hurting? Well, he took only 11 shots, so what do you think? Of course, the Lakers actually seemed to play better when Kobe wasn't gunning it and the L.A. bench contributed 31 points...so maybe a lesson was learned

Despite his lack of field goal attempts, Kobe still hit the go-ahead shot with 28 seconds left, thanks in part to the Mavericks' single-coverage defense.

Said Ron Artest: "In the second half I said, 'Are you OK?' and he said, 'Yeah, I'm good now. But Dallas didn't know that, so they played him one-on-one and he hit that big shot."

Awh. He looks so sad...I love it!
The Mavs now have a better record on the road (13-6) than they do at home (12-7)? WTF is up with that? Dirk Nowtizki, who went over 20,000 career points last night, said: "I don't know what's going on but we've got to figure it out. The amazing thing is, we're still second in the West, right there with everybody else. It's not time to hang our heads." Yeah. You hold your head up high, Dirk. Second in the West really means a lot. Just ask the Denver Nuggets. Weren't they second in the West last year? Or the Hornets, who were second in 2007-08.

Dwight Howard: Allow me to quote from the AP recap:

The Denver Nuggets knocked Dwight Howard out of his comfort zone with tough, physical defense and by using an array of defenders against the Orlando Magic's star center.

Howard ended up having one of his worst games of the season, and the Nuggets fed off their defensive effort, getting 27 points from Carmelo Anthony and 24 from Chauncey Billups in a 115-97 victory over Orlando on Wednesday night.

Karl said the defensive effort against Howard was especially important to Denver's dominating performance.

"We were trying to be physical with him," Karl said. "Turning him over five times and not allowing him to make many shots was huge."

You know, I'm starting to understand why Shaq gets his panties in a bunch every time somebody compares Dwight Howard to Young Shaq. Let's be honest: Young Shaq was a force of nature. Did he regularly come into the season out-of-shape, take midseason vacations of 15-20 games, and occasionally coast through meaningless regular season contests? Absolutely. But even while doing all that, Young Shaq was one of the most dominant, unstoppable forces in NBA history. He destroyed and intimidated teams in ways even Michael Jordan never did. Simply put, when Young Shaq got the ball down low, opponents could only foul, flop or pray for divine intervention. Nobody -- and I mean nobody -- ever pushed Young Shaq around. And they don't push Old Shaq around, either.

But they sure do push Superman Pumaman around.

Take a close look at Howard's line: 8 points, 1-for-7, 13 boards, 1 assist, 1 steal, 3 blocked shots, 5 turnovers. No offense to Denver, but a team like the Nuggets never could have bullied an in-his-prime Shaq into a game like that. And while not ever team does it, or even can do it, the teams that get physical against Dwight can shut him down. The Celtics have done it. The Bulls did it. Now the Nuggets. Look, I like Howard, a lot. But he's not tough enough or skilled enough to overcome physical, swarming defenses.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Their game in Houston against the Rockets might have been The Game of the Season (so far). But if there was a team that overcame a 17-point deficit, hit a halfcourt buzzer beater (from Corey Brewer) to tie the game at the end of regulation, got an historic performance from their best player (Al Jefferson set a franchise record by pulling down 26 rebounds), and fought bravely through three overtimes only to lose anyway...wouldn't the Timberpoops be on the short list of "Teams You Just Knew That Would Happen To," alongside the Clippers, Nets and Wizards?

Of course they would.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Chalk up another injury woe for the Frail Blazers. Brandon Roy missed most of the second half of last night's game against the Bucks because of a sore right hammy. Fortunately, the Bucks were in town, so it mattered less than. Portland shot better than 60 percent from the field and led by as many as 33 points before settling for a 120-108 win.

Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles: "We had an awful lot to do with them shooting well. They were just in another gear than us and for most of the night, other than first two, three minutes of the game. They were quicker, more athletic went by us pretty much at will. (LaMarcus) Aldridge just turned and shot over us without much resistance and they built a 30-point lead and deserved it."

Andrew Bogut: After some recent strong play, I read a series of article about how Bogut has arrived and is finally justifying his high draft selection. So naturally he turns in a modest double-double (10 points, 11 boards) and a game-high 4 turnovers against Juwan Howard, whose current age is unknown but estimated to be slightly older than dirt.

Bizarre AP pictures: Basketbawful reader Tim R. sent in this, well, I have no idea what this is. It's an AP photo from the Bucks-Blazers game:


Here is the actual, honest-to-goodness cation from this photo: "PORTLAND, OR - JANUARY 13: Cameron Browne #00 of the Portland Trail Blazers sits down to eat Salsa Verde #96 of the Milwaukee Bucks during a game on January 13, 2010 at the Rose Garden Arena in Portland, Oregon." Could I look into this to find out the real story? Maybe. But leaving this one alone just feels right.

The Golden State Warriors: Allow me to once again quote from the AP recap:

Dwyane Wade knew a sprained wrist wouldn't be enough to keep him out of a game. The fact that he delivered his best shooting performance of the season with it might have been a bit of a surprise.

Wade shook off the injured wrist to score 35 points and the Miami Heat rolled past the Golden State Warriors, 115-102 on Wednesday night.

...

Wade shot 10 for 15 from the field -- his highest percentage this season. He also made all 15 free throws, the most he's ever made in a game without a miss. He added nine assists and seven rebounds to help the Heat bounce back from a loss Monday in Utah.

Not only did Pookie have his most efficient shooting night of the year despite a sprained right wrist, Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal scored a season-high 24 points on 11-for-15 shooting. Is anyone at all surprised these two things happened against Gol_en State? If so, it must be your first time visiting Basketbawful. Welcome!

Don Nelson, who must hold some kind of intellectual copyright on bad defense, said: "That was an incredible performance with a bad wrist. He played hurt, 35 minutes, controlled the game, nine assists. That guy was incredible. You can compare him with anybody in the league if you want to. I wouldn't argue with you."

Really? Anybody in the league? How about Brian Scalabrine? Wait! You said you wouldn't argue!

Jermaine O'Neal, quote machine: Despite the fact that the Warriors didn't even both to put a hand in anybody's face, the outcome of this game was still in doubt before The Drain hit a couple clutch fourth-quarter shots...increasing his career total of clutch shots to nearly 3.5. Said Jermaine: ""When I get an opportunity to make a big shot at the end of the games, that's what I do, that's what I strive for."

As a longtime Indiana Pacers fan, I call shenanigans so hard I think I just had aneurism. Seriously, something inside me burst when I read that quote. Maybe it was my hate bone.

Golden State's "other" starters: Vladimir Radmanovic, Stephen Curry and Andris Biedrins finished with 15 points on 6-for-20 shooting.

The Pac-10: From Basketbawful reader J.T. Magee: "I forgot there was college basketball outside of John Wall, but found this interesting. Exactly zero teams from the Pac-10 are in the Top 25. That includes 'powerhouses' Arizona and UCLA, who stand at 8-8 and 7-9, respectfully. The only Pac-10 team to receive any votes for Top 25 consideration, Arizona State, only received 5 in the ESPN/USA Today Poll. They didn't receive any in the AP Poll. And they don't even have the best overall record in the Pac-10! Outside of Oregon's Michael Dunigan, UCLA's Malcolm Lee and UW's Abdul Gaddy, there aren't really any NBA-prospects in the Pac-10. Ah, how the mighty have 'bawfully fallen."

Lacktion report: If you're wondering whether Chris' lacktion report includes a Mario West sighting, the answer is: Yes, yes, yea Gods, yes!

Bullets-Hawks: Dominic McGuire has aimed for a regular spot in the report all season long, and he riddled the ledger tonight with a +3 suck differential via brick, rejection, and giveaway in 4:54.

Meanwhile, in THE Mario West's return to the hardwood, he scored a Wario - TWELVE MINUTES OF PLAYING TIME, I KID YOU NOT, AMERICA!!!!! Mike Woodson thus was forced to a second option for non-contribution, with Jason Collins flying into the ranks with a +1 via foul in 4:14 that also garnered a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Spurs-Thunder: Nenad Krstic made one block as starting big man - but for the rest of his 8:54, he bricked twice and fouled once for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Magic-Nuggets: Johan Petro provided George Karl his human victory cigar of the night, with a +5 in 6:46 via two fouls, one turnover, and two bricks (once from Larimer Square) that also was worth a 3:0 Voskuhl. Amazingly, despite Petro's constant presence in the ledger last season, this is his very first appearance this year on the negative side of the recap!

Bucks-Blazers: Kurt Thomas took a foul and lost the rock once for a +2 in 4:56, which counted for a 2:0 Voskuhl as well. Portland's Shavlik Randolph missed one shot in 1:41 for a +1.

Heat-Warriors: CJ Watson bricked once in 4:34 to give East Oakland a +1.

Labels: Los Angeles Clippers, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Washington Bullets

Artist's recreation of the Washington locker room

Happy New Year, and wow, what a way to start off 2010! In the most amazing yet somehow completely unsurprising story of the year so far, Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton went all Walter Sobchak on each other and drew their guns in the locker room on Christmas Eve. Nobody got shot, but even if Agent Zero had pulled the trigger, I wouldn't have been too worried considering his shooting percentage this year is only 41%. (Zing!)

So, what's Gilbert got to say about this whole situation? According to his Twitter feed: "i wake up this morning and seen i was the new JOHN WAYNE..lmao media is too funny" Are people really calling him John Wayne? That doesn't make sense. Most of the time John Wayne actually, you know, won stuff. Otherwise, I cannot stress this enough -- you must read his other recent tweets. Hibachi's posting crazy stuff left and right. Even Deadspin is talking about it. Consider this gem: "yea i guess ur right men with kids party a diff way on new years...it usually starts and ends with the (jergens natural lotion) bottle"

Also, according to Bill Simmons, "FYI: if Gilbert is convicted of a felony, the Wiz can void his horrific contract ASAP. No wonder they reported it so quickly!"

Worst of the Night in Pictures:


"Aww... he's so small, it's too cute! I can't help but hug him!"

"Maybe I can get my Inflatable Defender in there and nobody will notice so I can go home..."

Vinny Del Negro knows how to rock out

Your first man love post of the New Year

"I call this man-love 'watchu got in there?' " (via Quinton)

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Bricks at Hawks: This is the first game we get to celebrate the new year? Oh well. The Hawks haven't lost three straight all season. Probably not going to happen in this game.

All The Other Friday Games:
Magic at Timberwolves: The Magic suddenly are garbage on the road, and have lost three straight outside of Orlando. They play eight of their next 10 on the road as well. Thank God for this game in their case.

Kings at Lakers: The Lakers are banged up (Ron Ron's stairs, Kobe's finger), but the Kings are still not exactly the best team in the league. If Tyreke Evans doesn't play, this game could be horrendous.


Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Thunder at Bucks: I'm starting to feel sorry for the Bucks. I really am.

All The Other Saturday Games:
Crabs at Nyets: Enjoy your free win, Crustaceans!

Bobcats at Heat: The Heat will still be cleaning themselves up after shitting the bed Thursday night, but the Bobcats are, after all, the Bobcats.

Timberwolves at Pacers: Huh. The Pacers might actually win a game! The Timberwolves are, after all, the Timberwolves, and they're on the second night of a back to back!

Spurs at Wizards Generals Bullets: I have one piece of advice for the Spurs -- stay the hell out of the locker room when Gilbert Arenas is around, and don't make any bets with him.

Raptors at Celtics: After the way the Celtics have blown games recently, I am just plain afraid to say anything about this game, especially after reading this injury report. Can we just skip to the next game? Thanks.

Rockets at Hornets: Knee-Mac is dominating in the fan-voting for the All-Star game. There is no justice in the world.

Magic at Bulls: The "when will he get fired?!" drama surrounding Vinny Del Negro is making every single Bulls game special right now. It's kind of fun, in a twisted way.

Grizzlies at Suns: Just remember: the Grizzlies are a feel-good story this season... and they're still really mediocre.

Nuggets at Jazz: Denver's not great on the road, and has lost three straight games. Utah hasn't looked good lately either, and has wins against just Philly and Minnesota in the past couple weeks. Ouch.

Warriors at Frail Blazers: The Warriors' tendancies to run-and-gun have me scared. We could see the kneecaps on the remaining Portland players all explode at once in this game.

Mavericks at Kings: A nice back-to-back for the Kings, eh?


Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Spurs at Raptors: Back to back road games for the creaky-boned Spurs? Good thing the Heat were kind enough to let the Spurs' starters rest for most of their Thursday night game. How very generous!

All The Other Sunday Games:
Bobcats at Crabs: Both of these teams are on back-to-backs, but really, does it matter? It just means LeBron will score 32 instead of 38.

Pacers at Bricks: The D'Antoni defensive system could actually make this game halfway decent, even if both teams only shoot 39%.

76ers at Nuggets: Nothing like playing against the lowly Sixers to give you a good rest after playing in Utah the night before.

Mavericks at Lakers: Back-to-backs are definately a trend on this night. The Mavs get to spend two straight nights on the road and play the Lakers. Lucky them.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Javaris Crittenton you are entering a world of pain my friend, Washington Bullets