Okay. Let me preface this post by saying that I doubts that I'd be able to do a full WotN entry with only one game on the slate. But man oh man...this particular game came through in spades.

Cleveland Cavaliers: They scored only 72 points, shot 30 percent from the field, committed 17 turnovers, and added to their the all-time worst record in Game 1 road games (0-for-14). Yay, team.

Boston Celtics: They scored only 76 points, had more turnovers (21) than assists (18), and barely beat the Cavaliers in Boston on a night when LeBron James had the worst game of his career (more on that below). That's a pretty bad sign, right?

LeBron James: Poor LeBron. On the same day the King found out that he finished a distant fourth in MVP voting, he went out and had the worst game of his NBA career: 12 points, 2-for-18 shooting, 10 turnovers. He scored only 2 points in the second half and missed his last six shots. He also was one assist or rebound away from the shameful triple bumble (as several of you quickly pointed out).

And with all due respect to the Celtics defense...Bron-Bron was just flat-out bonking shots and tricking layups. And he knew it. "I missed a lot of shots I know I can make. I missed layups. Those layups I've made my whole life." (That's right, boys and girls; LeBron came out of the womb hitting layups.)

Fun fact #1: The stat checkers at ESPN.com compiled a list of LeBron's four worst shooting performances. Last night's was the worst, followed by a 3-for-20 performance against the Sixers on March 18, 2005; a 2-for-13 night against the Clippers on December 3, 2003; and another 2-for-13 brickeroo on February 11, 2004. Note that those last two games happened during LeBron's rookie year and none of them occurred during the playoffs.

Fun fact #2: Sorry, ESPN. You missed one. Fortunately, Yahoo caught it. The worst shooting night of LeBron's career came on December 29, 2004 against the Houston Rockets, when he went 0-for-5 in 17 minutes. However, there were circumstances. Said LeBron: "I fractured my cheekbone."

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was the only player who truly played well last night (although Zydrunas Ilgauskas came pretty close). Garnett -- who came in third in MVP voting -- had 28 points (13-for-23), 8 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals in nearly 40 minutes. More importantly, though, he hit a clutch shot with 22 seconds left to break a 72-72 tie and put the Celtics up for good. So much for KG shrinking from the big moments, eh?

But here was how Garnett described last night's celebration of suck: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." Uh, if you say so, KG. If you say so. And toxic sludge really is good for you...

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World outscored and outshot LeBron James! And while that would normally be cause for celebration, last night was a definite exception. Szczerbiak missed his first five shots en route to a 13-points, 5-for-14 shooting night. Which once again raises the question: How, exactly, was he an upgrade over Larry Hughes?

Ray Allen: Can we have Ray-Ray digitally removed from He Got Game? Because last night's lack-tion would certainly justify it: Zero points, 0-for-4, and 4 turnovers in 37 minutes. Memo to the MVP voters: Remember how you unjustly disqualified KG because his team was "too good"? I hope you watched this game and wet your pants with shame.

Delonte West: Where's Eric Snow when you need him? West scored 4 points (2-for-10), had more fouls (3) than assists (2), and threw the ball away twice. Not a bad night's work, eh? Actually, yes it is.

Paul Pierce: Remember that post on TrueHoop about Truth's rivalry with LeBron? If not, then go read it. Anyway, their personal competition has gotten so heated that apparently if LeBron sucks, Paul is going to try and suck more. Let's here it for one-downsmanship! Pierce scored 4 points, shot 2-for-14, had his shot fed back to him twice, committed a team-high 6 turnovers, and had Boston's worst +/- score (-14). And he wasn't the least bit embarrassed about it.

"Me and Ray, we figure if we play [LeBron] to a standstill...we give ourselves the best chance. He's not going to go 2-for-18 every game but, hey, we're going to do our best to try to make him." So in one fell swoop Pierce took co-credit for LeBron's craptacular game and justified his and Ray Allen's sucktasticness. Wow. The only thing missing was a megalomaniacal declamation:


Anderson Varejao: And here, my friends, is Exhibit V in the case against ridiculous contract holdouts. Sideshow Bob -- who was so instrumental in Cleveland's run to the Finals last season, by the way -- was so ineffective you'd think he was getting paid to not play: 1 point, 0-for-1, 1 rebound, zero assists, 2 steals, and zero blocked shots in 11 minutes. Cap killer, anyone?

Glen Davis: Big Baby played like an actual baby last night, accomplishing exactly nothing in four diaper-filling minutes. That's right. I'm talking about a four trillion. (And no, that's not a fat joke. Although it could be.)

Mike Brown: Any good coach -- or in Brown's case, even a bad coach -- is going to get his star player's back. But Brown took that to a kind of ridiculous length last night. "[LeBron] had a tough night, and he is entitled to it." I'm sorry, but...what?! Since when did players start earning entitlement to horrific performances in critical playoff games? I'm sorry, Mike, but there's no such thing as a Get Out Of Sucking Free card.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Z-Man was the only Cavalier who registered a pulse last night (22 points, 12 rebounds), but he also stepped on Sam Cassell and "inadvertently" kicked him in the head. Sorry. I've played enough basketball and stepped over enough clumsy players to know that stuff rarely ever happens on accident.

Labels: Anderson Varejao, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, NBA playoffs, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Wally Szczerbiak, Worst of the Night

[Hat tip to m. Alana of Billie Basquetbaäl. She also provided Sasha's word ballon.]

Labels: Anderson Varejao, Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James, man love, Sasha Pavlovic

Cleveland Cavaliers: Perhaps distracted by the fact that Anderson Varejao had signed a three-year, $17 million offer sheet with the Charlotte Bobcats, the Cavs basically rolled over and died in the face of the Net's furious onslaught. How bad was it? Well, it's never good when a team scores only 79 points on 34 percent shooting and loses by 21 at home. But in addition to that, Eric Snow played 24 minutes and outrebounded Drew Gooden (who played 38 minutes) 6 to 5. Sasha Pavlovic scored 2 points on 1-9 shooting. Their leading scorer was second-year guard Shannon Brown (20 points, 8-16), and if you didn't know he even played for the Cavs, there's a good reason for that: He's only played in five games this season (and only 23 last season). Oh, and Demetris Nichols was last night's one trillion award winner (Update: Nichols just got waived). On the bright side, for the Cav's anyway, it looks like Danny Ferry is going to match Varejao's offer sheet.

Fun fact: Larry Hughes, who couldn't stay healthy if all his human parts were replaced with bionic implants, is out for the next four weeks with a bruised leg. Do you think that Willis Reed ever reads about all these players missing time with bruises and sprained fingers and throws up in his mouth a little? I know I do.

Dan Fegan: Varejao's stubborn (and foolishgly greedy) agent went toe-to-toe with Danny Ferry. And lost. One rival agent -- once he'd finished erupting in a pitiless "Muwahahahahahaha!!" -- said that "Danny Ferry cleaned (Fegan's) clock." The Cavaliers plan to match the Bobcat's offer sheet, which will allow them to retain Varejao's services at a price that's well below market value (not to mention the $10 million per year Fegan was asking for). This is what Fegan gets for trying to get Greg Ostertag money, because let's face it: Varejao is no Ostertag.

Fun fact: Anderson Varejao has never scored 20 points in a regular season game. His career-high is 17 points (7-10), which he scored in a 95-89 loss to the New Orleans Hornets on December 11, 2006.

Suns versus Pacers: If you peruse the box score for this game, you'll see a smattering of blocks and steals. But let me assure you: Those numbers are misleading, and any defense that was played happened purely by accident. You can see tougher defense played in layup drills. Amare Stoudemire had season highs in points (42), shot attempts (24), rebounds (13), and assists (4). Steve Nash had a season-high 17 assists. Jermaine O'Neal had season highs in points (30), shot attempts (20), and shooting percentage (70 percent). The teams combined to score 238 points on nearly 200 shot attempts. This was also a trademark Pacers game in that they overcame a 15-point deficit to lead by four points with just over a minute to go, and then they didn't score again. The Pacers have been -- and I mean historically, not just this season -- one of the NBA's best teams at stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. During the post-game press conference, one reporter suggested to Pacers' coach Jim O'Brien that the loss was kind of a moral victory, since his squad had almost taken down one of the league's elite teams. Said O'Brien: "Please, don't even go there if you don't mind." Then he stood up and walked out of the interview room.

Fun fact: What happened to Boris Diaw? Last night's game was a scorefest, but he only managed 2 points on 1-3 shooting. This was after going scoreless (and 0-1) in 15 minutes against the lowly Knicks. He's currently shooting 44 percent, and he's only reached double figures in scoring three times this season, which seems crazy when you consider the fact that he's playing almost 30 minutes a game for one of the league's highest scoring teams. Is he hurt? Did his dog die? I mean, there has to be a reason for this, right?

Atlanta Hawks: Fresh off their biggest win of the season -- a rare road win against a sub-.500 team -- the Hawks laid a big, stinky homecourt egg against the Pistons. Down by 26 after a 13-point third quarter, the Hawks had to outscore the Pistons 34-19 in the fourth just to crawl within 11 points. Team captain Joe Johnson scored only 5 points (2-10), and when your team's best player has almost as many turnovers (3) as points, you're in trouble. Hawks coach Mike Woodson, who was talking playoffs after the previous night's victory over the 76ers, certainly wasn't talking about the playoffs last night. Rather, he inferred that the Hawks played the cheap hooker to the Piston's seedy pimp. Said Woodson: "They hit us tonight. If they hit you, you've got to hit back, and I don't think we did a good job with that."

Minnesota Timberwolves: When the Timberwolves look back on this game, assuming they have the heart to do so, they'll realize a few disturbing facts. First, Sebastian Telfair -- 16 points (6-13), 2 rebounds, 3 assists -- was their top performer. Second, Mark Madsen and Michael Doleac both made token appearances, combining for zero points on zero shot attempts in 19 minutes of "action." And third, Trevor Ariza played almost as many minutes (26) for the Lakers as Kobe Bryant (28). In a way, it's kind of amazing that this team has even won two games so far this season.

Fun fact: Telfair currently has more blocks on the season (3) than Zach Randolph (2).

Utah Jazz: The Jazz were firmly in control of their game against the Kings...until they allowed Sacramento to explode for 43 points in the fourth quarter. This was a classic example of a team running out of gas at the end of the second game of back-to-backs. But do you think Jerry Sloan gives a crap about tired players? Of course not. Said Sloan: "We can't guard anybody. When they shoot as many layups as they did, that is a problem." After a few more terse comments, Sloan stalked off to the dressing room to make Andre Kirilenko cry.

Fun fact: The Kings are only 7-10, but they're putting on a little mini-surge. They've won three of their last four games, and those wins have come against the Spurs, Rockets, and Jazz. And since their next game is in the Clippers, you can go ahead and put them down as winning four out of five.

Los Angeles Clippers: The Milwuakee Bucks, losers of four in a row, finally found a team they could beat last night, and that team was the Clippers. The "other" L.A. team has now lost six in a row and eight of nine. Remember how this team started out the season at 4-0? Well, they are who we thought they were.

Fun fact: Ruben Patterson, known in some circles as "The Kobe Stopper," played three whole minutes last night, contributing nothing but one lonely personal foul to the Clipper cause. In case you forgot, Patterson scored a career-high 14.7 PPG on 55 percent shooting last season, and the the Clips were pretty darned excited about signing him during the off-season. But becoming a Clipper has a way of negating a man's positive mojo. Case in point: Patterson is currently averaging 4.9 PPG on 46 percent shooting.

Labels: agents, Anderson Varejao, Atlanta Hawks, Boris Diaw, Cleveland Cavaliers, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Phoenix Suns, Ruben Patterson, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night