Friday:

Well, at least we're not watching the damn Bobcats

The Bobcats: Did those first three weeks of November ever really happen? It's becoming increasingly difficult to imagine this team ever having a winning record. It was an even rougher weekend than usual for the Bobcats, as they showed the world just what being the worst team in the NBA is all about.

The previous low for a Jazz opponent had been 76, set by the previously worst in the league Washington Wizards. The Bobcats shaved 8 points off of that total, all while handing out career-highs to Jazz players like it was some sort of promotional gimmick. Enes Kanter set new bars for himself in both scoring and rebounding, while DeMarre LaEdrick Carroll limited himself to a career-high in points. Both of Utah's top scorers, Big Al and Big Paul Millsap, sat out with sprained left ankles. Normally this might be a problem for a team, but normally a team isn't playing the Bobcats.

Maybe if Charlotte had been able to shoot over 34% or grab more than 24 rebounds (only 2 more than Kanter), the Pussies wouldn't have taken a 30 point pummeling. We may never know for sure.

Cleveland: The AP headline for this game was: Clippers clobber Cavaliers 105-89. I'm not sure if a 16 point victory really qualifies for a clobbering. It seems more likely that the Associated Press just couldn't resist a little alliteration, or the word clobber for that matter, and who can blame them. Certainly not me, I try to use the word clobber at least once a day, often with far less of an excuse. It's not the first time the Clippers have clobbered a team this week. As reported by the Charlotte Observer, the Cats were on the wrong end of an even less close Clipper clobbering last Tuesday. So in honor of alliteration, and the letters C and L, for the rest of the season whenever the Clippers kick somebody's ass, I will find a new word starting with those two letters to describe it.

Switzerland: In all honesty, Thabo Sefolosha defended Ty Lawson's game winner about as well as anyone can reasonably expect, but I needed some excuse to show this video.


Plus, a lot of those Swiss Alps are unreasonably tall.

Derek and the Damn-I'm-Olds: There have been some requests in the comments section recently for a Derek Fisher WotN, and while I usually only do requests for Lady in Red, I decided to make an exception. Fisher narrowly missed out on the lacktion section against the Nuggets by dishing out an assist, but his presence in OKC reminds me of something, namely, the 2012 finals.  

Despite the Thunder being arguably a worse team than they were last year, I had a theory that they'd be able to match up better against the Heat if there's a rematch of last year's finals. This theory was based on two factors: that Scott Brooks wouldn't be able to turn Harden into a liability by having him guard LeBron for some reason, and that Derek Fisher wouldn't be there to eat up 25.6 minutes a game.   

It's too early to predict whether this will happen again, but I'm telling you all right now, if Scottie Brooks decides that Fisher is his "LeBron stopper", I'll never watch another Thunder finals game.

The Nets: This weekend could've been big for the Nets, instead they dropped two in a row, with the first one being a home loss to the Mavericks. Deron Williams led the way with 24 points, but he also committed a raised eyebrow inducing 7 turnovers to go along with his 2 assists.

The Paupers of Purpilitude: The Kings learned the hard way that a 24 point victory over the Magic doesn't buy a victory over the Spurs in the next game. In fact, the Kings pulled off a 52 point swing between the two games, losing to San Antonio by 28. While that might impress the bookies, it didn't carve a smile into the lonely lunar surface of of Gregg Popovich's face. That could be because Pop is medically incapable of curling his lips upward, or maybe it's because Tony Parker is out for a month with a sprained ankle. ...N'ah, it's probably the medical thing.

Chuck Hayes: Manu Ginobili dished out a career-high 15 assists in about 20 minutes off the bench. Chuck Hayes is probably wishing that he would've just tied his previous high of 14.


Hayes shouldn't feel too bad, though. Ginobili loves to pass to DeJuan Blair through people's legs.

Lacktion:

Pacers-Raptors: Landry Fields came within a second of a two trillion, which is amazingly economical considering he's only getting 6 million dollars this year.

Rockets-Magic: Doron Lamb marinated in a +4 suck differential for 6 minutes and 12 seconds.

Clippers-Cavs: Willie Green thumbed through a +2 suck differential in 4 minutes and 19 seconds.

Celtics-Warriors: Count Bazemore is back to lording over the lacktion section, combining a 35 second Mario and a +1 suck differential.

Mavericks-Nets: MarShon Brooks continued to stare angrily at Joe Johnson all the way through a +3 suck differential in 2 minutes and 48 seconds.

Heat-Grizzlies: Joel Anthony materialized for 22 seconds against the Griz.

Jazz-Bobcats: Brendan Haywood went for a sweet 2 trillion in a loss to the Jazz. 

Suns-Hawks: Dahntay Jones continued to light it up for the Hawks with a +2 suck differential in 7 minutes and 4 seconds, while the lights were turned out on Michael Beasley after his +3 suck differential in 7 minutes and 45 seconds.

Nuggets-Thunder: We might have to come up with a new lacktion statistic for Timofey Mozgov. The big man checked in for 0.2 seconds in order to distract a futile inbounds attempt.

Saturday:

Luke Ridnour remains the Pups' one constant

The T-Pups: It just keeps on going... Now, Pekovic is out (again) with abdominal pains. Kirilenko is out for "a while" according to Adelman, and Kevin Love won't be reappearing until at least the Ides of March (luck). If nothing else, Minnesota is providing a valuable boost in morale to their opponents. After losing 7 straight recently, some Trail Blazers have been fighting the urge to become despondent, and a visit from the Wolves gave them a much needed shot in the arm. The double-digit victory was Portland's first of its kind in over a month.

Trivia Question of the Day: Who the hell is coaching the Trail Blazers? If you can answer this question without looking it up, I'll sing your praises in the next WotN. Don't feel bad if you can't, even if you live in Portland. I'm pretty sure that most Blazers don't even know.

The Nyets: This time Deron Williams managed a positive assist to turnover ratio, but I can't say as much for the rest of the team. Reggie Evans, who I wasn't aware was allowed to touch the ball outside of rebounding, turned the ball over 4 times in under 20 minutes, which may explain why he played less than 20 minutes despite his obligatory 10 boards. 

Spencer Hawes: There were only 4 games on Saturday and two of them were close, so now I turn my attention to individual perfomances. The Sixers gave Hawes the start against Golden State, and he repaid them with a 6:4 Voskuhl. Considering that he also missed all 9 of his shots, the Voskuhl was arguably the best aspect of his evening.

The Warriors: The Sixers actually won despite Spencer Hawes and his flaming bag of statistical shit.

Kris Humphries: Speaking about flaming bags of... You can read all about the former Mr. Kardashian's latest exploits in the lacktion section. At this point, it's hard to think of a player that offers a worse production to fame ratio.

Consistency: A day after his season-low in minutes, Landry Fields had his season-high. The 45 minute gulf is the largest I've ever seen between two games. Rudy Gaye sat out Saturday's contest due to back pain, making this statistical anomaly possible .

Lacktion:

Bucks-Raptors: Terrence Ross showed off his laser like precision, hitting a 5 trillion on the nose.

Sixers-Warriors: Richard Jefferson had a far sloppier 3 trillion, while Draymond Green turned in a +3 suck differential in 7:35.

Nets-Bulls: Kris Humphries set a new personal low, well sorta, with his +2 suck differential in 2:16. Meanwhile, Nazr Mohammed heated up a nice steaming pile of 3:2 Voskuhl.

Sunday:

J.R. Smith: Paragon of Professionalism

The Knicks: J.R. Smith just makes it so damn easy sometimes. Most athletes would've figured that shooting 3 of 14 from downtown and committing a critical turnover was enough bawful for one day. Not J.R. though, he's far too special for that. As you can see from the text above, TheRealJRSmith bestowed upon us yet another priceless internet age moment, offering up some spiteful cunnilingus to an elderly woman. What can I say? I'm truly amazed and grateful. After the biggest ass in the world tweet and the offering a high school girl some dick tweet, most athletes would not have courted further controversy on their Twitter accounts, but as I've said: J.R. Smith is not just any athlete. He's the golden goose that just keeps on laying priceless, bejeweled eggs. Here's to you, TheRealJRSmith. Keep 'em coming.

The Magic: The Magic can take cold comfort in their 26 point ass-drubbing being only the 4th worst loss of the day. Even so, the Grizzlies bested them in all statistical categories except free throws. Perhaps the refs were feeling a bit queasy having to watch such a beating.

The Mavericks: Dallas can take icy cold comfort in their 33 point ass-flogging being only the 3rd worst loss of the day. Most of the carnage came in the 3rd quarter, in which the Mavericks were somehow outscored by 27 points. Unlike the Magic, the Mavericks didn't even have an advantage at the free throw line. The only statistical advantage they had was in blocked shots. Oddly enough, the Rockets didn't block a single shot. They didn't need to.

The Bobcats: The Bobcats can take desolate-winds-of-Antarctica-cold comfort in their 36 point steel-toed-boot-ass-thrashing being only the 2nd worst loss of the day. The worst team of the East met the worst team of the West, and the Kings showed that they might as well be in two different leagues. The Bobcats enjoyed no statistical advantages, not a one. The worst disparity was on the glass, where the Paupers pounded the Pussies 60-31. That's not a typo, the Kings really did grab 29 more rebounds. 

Sweep the leg, sweep the leg!!!

The Pistons: The Pistons can take no comfort in their 39 point ass (the FCC has censored the following description after it made two kids in Missouri go blind) to the Spurs. Kelvin Zero is too warm a brand of comfort for them. No Tony Parker? No problem. The Spurs ran Pop's offense to perfection, while the Pistons stayed stalled at 75 points. This was one of those wall to wall ass (the FCC is doing this for your own good) where every player on the victorious team had a positive Lenovo and vice versa.

Jose Calderon still hasn't found most of his teeth.

Lacktion:

Wizards-76ers: Garrett Temple found no solace in the life of a trillionaire.

Rockets-Mavericks: Bernard James spend 8 minutes and 34 seconds on the floor for Dallas, resulting in a +4 suck differential. 

Pacers-Bulls: Danny Granger and his knees got a doctor's note to excuse their +4 suck differential in 8 minutes and change. Sam Young wasn't so lucky with his 5 trillion. Orlando Johnson's +1 suck differential completed a busy day for the Pacers in the lacktion section.

Lakers-Hawks: Dahntay Jones had a 2 second Super Mario. Still, I bet he wouldn't change places with Josh Smith for all the kush in Snoop's house.