The Big WTF via Andy Gray's SI Vault

I hate to start off BAD with, ahem, bad news, but this is decidedly not AWESOME, BABY!!! Dick Vitale is going to call another NBA game. (h/t JE Skeets)
ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale will call the January 20 Jazz/Spurs game for ESPN, alongside play-by-play voice Dan Shulman. This will be the second NBA game Vitale has called for ESPN since the network regained rights to the league in '02.
Why can't they actually do something people want? Get the announcer from NBA Jam, for example. It'd be a perfect tie-in for when they bring out the new NBA Jam game. (Thanks to AnacondaHL for sharing that news -- he's on fire! Boomshakala!)

In other news, Scottie Pippen got his ass whupped by some midgets. And issued a press release about it.

Wait, what?

Skeets posted the rundown and the UNBELIEVABLE press release on Ball Don't Lie today. Go check it out. Now. (Also, Gary Coleman is in the movie, and there's inadvertente nude footage of him. There isn't enough eye bleach in the world...)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

David Lee got confused by all the snow throughout the USA
and thought he could do a snow angel on the hardwood


Alright, enough of that man-woman love crap. Back to regular ol' NBA man love

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Celtics at Hawks: Rondo and Pierce are expected to play. The Hawks tend to match up well with the Celtics. AND it's on ESPN so I can see it. I am absolutely excited for this game.

Crabs at Nuggets: Holy crap, the Nuggets have a lot of people listed day-to-day: Lawson, Andersen, Billups, Carmelo, and Nene. Did they steal the Frail Blazers' training staff?

All The Other Friday Games:
Raptors at 76ers: Holy crap, the Raptors are at .500 now. Who knew? Another fun fact: only four players are left from the Raptors' roster as of the last game of '08-'09. I wonder if those two are somehow connected...

Magic at Wizards Generals Bullets: The Magic are trying to avoid their worst losing streak in three years. The good news for them? The Bullets were awful even with Agent Zero, and they're absolutely bawful without him.

Nyets at Hornets: The Nyets are 1-17 on the road. Get ready to make that 1-18.

Pacers at Timberpoops: As far as I can tell, this game isn't televised anywhere. And for that, we applaud you, NBA and television programmers.

Jazz Jekyll & Hydes at Grizzlies: Utah has won 11 straight against the Grizzlies. They own the Grizzlies more than any other team in the NBA. And yet I have no freaking clue which Utah team will show up for this game.

Bulls at Bucks: Chicago had been on a hot streak, but now they've dropped two straight, and they've only won once in their last 10 road games. Is VDN still feeling the heat?

Mavericks at Spurs: Per the Stats LLC preview, "Dallas is concerned about how it will defend Duncan, particularly if center Erick Dampier misses a third straight game with a knee injury." Ruh roh. Mark up the Spurs win right now.

Heat at Suns: In one game, we have Heat AND Suns (not just one sun, multiple suns!). All in one arena. Holy crap, I hope their air conditioning works pretty well. It's going to be super duper hot in that building!

Lakers at Frail Blazers: The Lakers have lost the last eight times they played in Portland. That is impressive. Keep it up, Blazers!

Kings Paupers at Warriors: Poor Sacramento. They've dropped six of seven after being one of the early season surprises. So, uh, how's Kevin Martin feeling?

All The Saturday Games:
Hawks at Magic: I don't care if the Magic are slumping. It's still not very fun for the Hawks to play the Celtics AND the Magic back to back.

Grizzlies at Bobcats: It's the battle of the southern market expansion teams! (Faaaaaaaantastic!)

76ers at Pistons: Eek. Ooph. Insert other onomatopoeia here.

Timberpoops at Bulls: Well, nice of the schedule makers to give the Bulls a free win in a super-sloppy game full of tired players.

Pacers at Thunder: Attempting to give a damn... nah, just not happening unless Durant goes off for 50 points. (Likelyhood: higher than you'd think)

Jekyll & Hydes at Mavericks: If you can predict the outcome of this game, you are a better man than me.

Knicks at Rockets: Give me good reason to preview this game. Go ahead. (waiting) That's what I thought. Moving on...

Nuggets at Paupers: Yeah, things just aren't looking good for Sactown right now.

Natonally Televised Sunday Games:
Crabs at Frail Blazers: A rarely seen Sunday night ESPN game! And a legitimately good game at that! Solid week for ESPN broadcasts.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Hornets at Bullets: You know, I'm surprised that Agent Zero didn't quote the "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired" line from Commando on the plane at some point while he was running his mouth.

Celtics at Raptors: I know the Celtics went through a rough patch and lost to some bad teams recently, but they don't lose to the Raptors here, do they?

Heat at Clippers: I'm just going to say it. The Heat aren't all that great. But the Clippers are who we thought they were. So this game could go either way, but honestly, shouldn't the Heat win?

Nyets at Spurs: We all know how good the Spurs are at beating up on bad teams. And good God is this a bad team.

Bucks at Lakers: What a nice, boring, bland way to cap off the night and help you go to sleep.

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Anonymous kazam92 said...
My heat are bipolar. When we write them off, they thump the hawks. When we think they've turned the corner, they blow 19 pt leads to the bobcats and allow someone how cant shoot a jumper to convert an alley-oop with .6 seconds left

I hate loving this team

Blogger Sos said...
Great Celtics clip. Love hear Tommy Heinsohn call Red Auerbach "Arnold". And the Cooz never sounded better.

Blogger chris said...
Hey Dan, the Kings DID beat the Nuggets for their only win in the last seven.


Ugh, 6 out of 7 losses, 5 of which are moral victories.


Blogger chris said...
OT: Another great Washington Post editorial on the enigma that is Hibachi.

Blogger John said...
awesome heat/suns preview sentences. Super funny.

Blogger Chere said...

Almost 2 years later of the Gasol-for-nothing trade, I have remembered that day post of Basketbawful, in wich a so-called Statbuster wrote Marc Gasol "sounds like the second coming of Bryant Reeves" and defined him as "a slow-footed low-jumping center who may never set foot in the NBA". (

I wrote the next comment:

"From Spain, and agreeing with you on Pau gasol softness, Marc is not a slow-footed low-jumping center. Really, try to see him in a couple of games. He's averaging 16p-8r in 40 minutes games, about 20-10 in 48 mins, and shooting 65% from the field.

Look at this video:
This is not what I say a slow-footed player. Ok, I know he's not Olajuwon, but he's fucking far from been Bryant Reeves."

Ok, he's not 20-10-65% but 15-10-62%- despite the fact he's the fourth option in offense gameplan- and leading the defense on a team that, remember, is starting OJ Mayo, Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph, not exactly an All-Defensive Team trio.

I've read this blog usually during this two years (love it!) but I don't remember if Statbuster is on the team so far, or he has new nick or wathever, but, in any case, I would like to know the official stance of the blog team about Marc Gasol.

Thanks a lot, sorry for my poor english and congratulations for the blog (all of it, but specially those brilliants daily lacktion reports from Chris).

Blogger Dan B. said...
kazam92 -- Yep, the Heat are all over the place. Kinda like the Jazz. Maybe it's something about having a team name that doesn't end in "s" and therefore sounds awkward?

John -- Thanks

Wolfe -- Statbuster still goes by that name. He doesn't post very often, but he still does occassionally post some stuff. I'm the newest writer here (though I've been reading for a year or two myself), and we don't have any "official stance" on anything here between all the writers. That being said, I think Marc Gasol is underrated, and he's really surprised me by turning into a productive player.

Blogger Chere said...
Dan B.: Thanks for your replay. I think it can be considered as official stance... :)

Good luck with the Clippers.

Blogger chris said...

Mike Brown, Doc Rivers, and Mike Woodson are the three longest-tenured coaches in the East.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Gair-rohn-tee it was the Pippen-whippin' scene was what got that movie greenlighted.

Blogger chris said...
Gilbert Arenas has a self-help book coming out. No. Seriously.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
My pants...they are wet. And it is because of the Pippen vs. Little People video. I think something inside me broke, and it will never, ever heal.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
mike d'antoni says, "juicy juicy juicy!!!"

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Nets were close, but alas, 1 point lead with 11 seconds left? Nope, not enough. Paul walks in with an And-1 layup, and Yi gets called with a questionable offensive foul/turnover.

Wolfe: Mini Gasol turned out good for the money ($3,240,000 this year), and his game-saving block tonight is p. cool. He's very low on the Grizz's list of problems, which include how much the Thabeet pick is costing them, and, uh, not having money.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Also, Dampier hit a 3 tonight. His first since he hit one rookie year (1-13 career 3's prior to tonight).

Blogger chris said...
And..the Kings are about to choke another game in which they led by double digits, this time by playing Nellieball in the last 5 minutes against a team more accustomed to completely ignoring their own backcourt.


Blogger chris said...
For those keeping track at home, that's now 6 moral victories in the last 8 games for the purple paupers.


Why couldn't Sacramento be a major market town that Donaghy, Bavetta, and Stern prefer?! WHY!??!?!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Kobe: 32pts
Roy: 32pts

Kobe: 37 shots
Roy: 11 Shots


Blogger chris said...
Tyreke the Freak facepalming in despair on the bench there at The Oracle. Yeah. Almost had a game-changing steal there, only to give the rock back up to Cory Maggette before fouling out.

Fate really hates this franchise, doesn't it. No titles in 58 years.

Blogger senormedia said...
Tommy Heinson, unintentionally dirty quote machine here:

at 7:40, discussing Moses "Jackhammer" Malone

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
CLE-DEN: End game officiating nightmare. Like, a textbook Donaghy described game. LeBron is tired of carrying this scrubby scrub team.

How sad is it, that I see the Heat up by 5 with 3 minutes left, and don't even expect the Suns to have won.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Ahaha, LeBron sinks 2 desperation 3s, still a 1 point game

Anonymous Anonymous said...

really lebron? that's fashionable these days?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
By the way, boo to the Bulls for shanking 10 freebies, including four in the fourth quarter, in losing a totally winnable game in Milwaukee.

Also, the Fakers have lost nine straight in Portland.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
WotN nom: this recap:

somehow they manage to show more Lakers highlights than Blazers, even though the Lakers got whooped, and make it sound like Kobe had a great game. Never mind he needed 37 - thirty f'n seven - shots to get his 32 points (and opened up the 2nd half with an air ball on a wide open 3) compared to Roy's32 points on just 11 shots.

Is this why Kobe has so many out of market fans? they just watch recaps that erase all his misses and embarrassing TOs. shit, you could take the same approach to my performances in my rec league and i'd look like a god too.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Four Wizards players have been fined $10K each looks as if it's for laughing about Gilbert Arenas' gun-fingers.

"Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee and Nick Young also were docked by the team for their lightheaded participation when Arenas pointed his index fingers at teammates as if he were firing a pair of guns during an on-court huddle before Tuesday night's game at Philadelphia. A photo shows most of the Wizards players smiling or laughing, but the four players were deemed the worst offenders."

Unfortunately, the story (in the San Fran. Chronicle) goes into no greater detail than that. I really hope these people weren't fined for laughing...

Word verification: "worti". This action is worti of much scorn.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
yea lebron got confused what to wear during warm-up.
i understand that tho, given the fact that the cavs def lead the league in alternate jerseys produced...

you know they have to milk the cow as long as it is in ohio..

Anonymous Anonymous said...
chris - It is clearly the Pauper's youth that hurts them: when things start to go bad, they don't have a plan to right the ship. The last four minutes, no one seemed ready to take charge.
And except for Udoka(!), they shot poorly. Casspi and Udrih really blew the bunny from distance.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Need big mentions of this Grizz/Cats game in Worst of the Weekend. Memphis wasted a 31-17 2nd quarter run to be down by 3 with a minute left. Z-Bo misses both freebies, Mayo steals it from Felton, Mayo blows the layup, but Felton misses both freebies. Mayo hits the three to tie it.

With time running out, Felton misses the layup, only Gerald "Don't Test Me for Rebound Enhancing Drugs" Wallace follows with the putback and time officially runs out, Charlotte win.

Also, with both teams on the 2nd of B2Bs, Orlando up 66-37 on the Hawks at the half, and destroying them.

Nash is on his 5th game in a row with 5+ TOs.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anaconda - "Rebound Enhancing Drugs" All the good shit comes out after my hoops career ends.

"I didn't know they had steroids for skill. Maybe you should look into that."

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
in before chris splooges on about Tyreke.

Also, trying to find the video of Tyreke airballing a 3, and J.R. Smith, thinking it was made, taking the ball out of bounds...

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: LOL. Well played. :p

Yeah, I can't complain about tonight, I just hope that the actual-victory column continues to improve - the paupers are still 6 games under .500 and unfortunately, as noted by myself many times, are not in the Leastern Conference.

Blogger chris said...
Davros: I think what is bewildering is that this team plays the Nuggets well enough to win, but absolutely craps the bed with the Sixers and Warriors. huh?!?

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Well, there ARE at least seven or so other Arenas Bullets jerseys available...

You know what would really be an awesomely bawful "retro" garb? Arenas Bullets the Baltimore look!

(Hmm, maybe instead of getting KC-Omaha Tiny Archibald schwag someday, I should get the KC-Omaha look for Tyreke the Freak. LOL.)

Blogger chris said...
BTW, anyone else notice how often Tyreke burned Kenyon Martin in the paint, including on the final play?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger Kcan said...
jr smith showcases his IQ...


Blogger chris said...
It has come to this.

The Heat and the CLIPPERS now have nearly identical records (18-17 and 17-18 respectively).


Just went to the Clippers game, chris. kaman and camby were too much for jermaine and ...jamaal magloire. this team needs some height!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger Dan B. said...
AnacondaHL -- That press release was already included in Skeets's link I posted before. Still awesome. And somewhat insane. Not as insane as the end of this Packers/Cardinals game, but still insane.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
So it was, heh. Of course it's now outed by Aaron Rodgers' Hacky Sack Extravaganza

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Psst. Check out the new header.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
HOLY SHIT YES. New banner is worth $111 million.

Also, Milwaukee with 28 points. At the half. LeBron had 31 himself at the half.

On ESPN, the female announcer is just flat out horrible. Not for being female, but for her inability to not praise LeBron with every other sentence. Instead of "praise" I would have used a more accurate phrase "verbally suck off", but I may be accused of being a misogynist.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
For the new banner: "Arenas, a notorious practical joker, often crossed the line of acceptable decorum. The example often cited was how Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe during Blatche's rookie season."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anaconda- That unfortunately reminds me of the Rick Majerus towel pooping story. Thankfully, I've already eaten tonight.

Blogger Dan B. said...
AnacondaHL and Davros -- Thanks to your deadly combination of posts, I'm about to go to bed with the mental image of the now-infamous Rick Majerus towel shitting incident. Considering I just took some allergy medicine that'd probably make me have crazy dreams anyhow, I'm afraid this is going to be a long, disturbing night.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Sorry Dan, but Anaconda got things started on a turd tangent; I was unable to abstain.

I've been getting the best CAPTCHAs lately:

morballo = Gots to be a Magicism

synerow = Where Magic likes to sit in a movie theater

and the most frightening of all (from a different site - rwandan minds

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
turd tangent is now in my lexicon for making fun of NBA announcers and NFL pregame shows.