In honor of Ron-Ron's latest battle with the crazy pills -- namely setting up his own photoshoot during a Sports Illustrated interview -- I've enhanced the awesome pictures of him and Natalin Avci with my favorite quotes from Zoolander (plus one bonus quote from Van Wilder). It's funny, but a lot of them read like authentic Ron Artest-isms.

By the way, I'm sorry the pics are a little NSFW-ish. But not really.

Ronlander 1

Ronlander 3

Ronlander 2

Editor's note: Yeah, the Livin' Large Epilogue has been delayed again. I'm just trying to get it right. One more installment and we're done. Gotta go out with a bang. But, to tide everybody over, I'm going to write the "Truth or Dare" story in the comments section of the first epilogue post today over lunch.

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Come on...nothing on Ron Ron's fued with blogger from "The Second Coming"

The photoshoot looks weak compared to this story (not that it's not crazy staff too).

Anonymous Lucas said...
It looks like Mr. Artest is finally over losing out on the weirdest shaped head award to Sam Cassell.

Anonymous ak dave said...
That Ron Artest is so HOT right now!

Blogger Unknown said...

Getting seriously sick of living in DC. Contemplating punching one of Arenas' Halo clan members to see if I can get a free trip to New York City also. Your thoughts?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Truth or Dare - First Night

Though I'm often a creator of chaos, somehow in the first night I was largely a spectator. I enjoyed the ridiculousness of the whole situation. I had played this game before. In middle school...and I thought it was a little lame. However, there were girls, and Kelly was attractive enough. However, as the night passed it got a little more interesting, and two things hit me. The first is that Nathan was hitting on Kelly. I was outraged! The Bishop of Chastity was trying to Bogart the cutie? The same guy that when he drove me to Sam's Club in my first week of college tried to enroll me in the celibates' club with his "Bachelor to the Rapture" card? I wasn't going to stand for this travishamockery of college lust. Right as I was full of indignant cockblockery, Bawful got his dirty-dance sandwich and I realized that I was missing out on a prime opportunity.

Somehow or another the game dissolved into that late-night conversation that is both ridiculously philosophical and filled with rambling hilarity. We are all telling some story or another. Most people were lacking clothes - I still had on pants and such, so I got avoid the awkward pillow-grab later. It was dark in the room, but I could still tell a few things. Bawful was making out with Lisa. Duke was in a chair laughing about something and probably still giddy from when Kelly accepted the challenge to kiss his legs above the knee. (I'm assuming that the ten seconds she was there didn't give Duke any satisfaction) Nathan was massaging Kelly's shoulders. Wha? I was sitting on the bed shooting the breeze. Unacceptable.

So, with all the grace and subtlety of a mountain ram, I told Kelly that she'd do better with four hands than two. She agreed, and before long I had my hands all over her bottom half, and I could feel the waves of Nathan's hatred emanating close by. Oh well. Some time after, daylight started peeking her pink fingers through the curtains, and we all called it a night. Bawful did indeed pass on Lisa, and while she was willing I supported that decision. She kinda had a little of the clinger in her, and she was a little heavy. As it turned out later, she had a lot of the clinger in her and after she and Duke got together I thought he was going to have to escape to Zihuatanejo to take up charter fishing to get out of that deal. Nathan offered to walk Kelly home, shooting burning lasers at me out of his eyes. I flashed him a smirk that would have gotten me punched if it was Bawful, and stabbed had I received it, and told them both I'd see them later...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Truth or Dare - Second Night

Having not gotten our nerd-on Friday night, we decided to play Saturday. Duke's friend Jerry (now my friend too), who had graduated and lived in a city an hour away was coming up to visit. Oh, and in case you were wondering, we weren't prudes. However, Duke was an RA and would have been fired had we been drinking. Since we sometimes get a little loud cracking jokes and all, we didn't run the risk. Though the next year when he wasn't an RA, we had some good times. (Ever seen a liter of Dark Eyes get vomited from the top bunk? It looked like the watersnake from the Abyss before it touched down.)

Bawful was going to join us, but he got a surprise visitor. Bawful and I were getting done playing some NBA live 98. I had been annoying him by having Thunder Dan sink turn-around 3 pointers, shooting .800. We got ready to geek out by, well, doing nothing. But literally as we stood up there was a light knock on the door. Bawful, always expending more energy than I ever did, answered.

At the door was a cute brunette. She had dark hair, large vulnerable eyes, sizable rack, and a demure, sweet look hung about her like windblown cotton on a picket fence. She kinda looked like a cherubic Marissa Tomei.

Matt jerked upright. "Cindy!"

"Hi Matt," she said softly to his shoes.

I knew that something had gone on between Bawful and Cindy, but I didn't think anything romantic had. And she seemed a little unsettled. I figured something had happened.

I looked over at Bawful and did the right thing, "I'll head down. See you whenever you get there."

Bawful looked back - his eyes were a little wild but he nodded appreciatively. I went down to go play nerd games, and Bawful never did show up...

So we played until a little after midnight. Well, Nathan brought Kelly and Lisa again. He was setting very close to her, doing those awkwardly possessive things a jealous guy does - putting his arm around her, touching her leg, etc. It was good times, because she never responded. She pretty much ignored him, and laughed overly hard any jokes that Duke, Jerry and I shot back and forth. Jerry had been pulling late nights at work, because that's what all stupid college grads seemed to do at their first job (including me, later). He fazed out, and we kind of stopped playing and just started hanging out again. This time I was there when it started; Kelly had a little smile on her face and said, "Let's play Truth or Dare again."

Duke chuckled. Jerry snored and mumbled "as long as I can sleep." Lisa giggled. I smirked. Nathan twisted; half of his face looked happy, the other half looked panicked. But he wasn't to be outdone. "Let's do it."

Well, considering the whole night before had been foreplay, it took us about 3.43 minutes to get pretty close to naked and back at where we ended the night before. This time I was first to jump on Kelly (pun so intended), and Nathan tried the block. I literally ignored him and stuck my hands in all sorts of places. At this point, Duke and Lisa were shenanigansing on the bed, Jerry was sleeping on the "U" shaped couch right next to Kelly and I, and Nathan was on the floor. Things started getting heavy, and Nathan abruptly stood up.

"Well, I have church in the morning. Time to call it a night."

We ignored him. In huffy silence, he gathered his belongings.

"Kelly, can I walk you home?"

A heavy silence hung. It was like the bells of Notre Dame had just been silenced.

"Uhhh, no. I'm going to hang out here."

The door shut.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
kelly sounds like a hottie.. and you scored.. good job

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Did the Star Wars Cantina computer prank happen before or after this? This is important.

word verification: umpha. BadDave gave Nathan the ol' umpha and slid right in there to claim the Kelly.

Blogger Will said...
BadDave- did you earn your moniker before or after this incident?

WV: equus I wonder if Nathan re-enacted the play Equus after getting rejected by Kelly

Anonymous Anonymous said...
AnacondaHL - definitely afterwards. Actually, for about a week or so after this we didn't see Nathan quite as much (maybe only an hour per day or so), especially when I was around.

Will - Actually, the moniker came when I let someone else create my Yahoo account three years after college. In college, I was occasionally "Dude," a hangover from my long hair days. And I abided. At any rate, my other friend titled my Yahoo account "DaveBadAss" and I thought that especially lacked truth and humility. I abbreviated it here, not least because I feel like Bad Santa. I loved a dirty woman.

Blogger said...
truth or dare never fails

Blogger Unknown said...
Nathan was apparently the tool of the group, kind of like the guy that has the porsche but only drives 5 over the limit, gets pissed off when you drive and open it up, then comes up with reasons to never let you drive again.

I think I am ready for a reunion tour, bawful time to get the old geek squad back together so I can start putting faces with names, and have a road trip

Anonymous ChrisP said...
Nathan: "Kelly, can I walk you home?"

Nathan sounds like he's in it for Nathan only. With comments like these, I'm glad you stuck it to him a bit.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Chris P - Actually, Nathan could be really cool, and I think he did have some honest attraction to Kelly. However, she was certainly not his type, and he was doing one of his tricks to her that drove me wild: he was a God-tease. He would progress with a girl, setting her up for some sweet lovin', and then he'd kind of freak out and pretty much scorn her as the whore of Babylon right before they hit the point of no return. As a guy that's as far from religious ideology as can be, I never understood it.

I also need to offer an apology and correction. Bawful called me last night, and apparently that interaction with Cindy was a different time. This particular night Bawful had planned to do something with Cindy as friends. I abase myself for not having Bawful's savant-like memory. I'm pretty sure I killed some of my brain cells in kolege.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
another piece of evidence as to why your memory is not as great as Bawful's:
You claim to have been playing Live 98, but this story takes place in Fall 1994, meaning Live 95 would've been the latest incarnation

wv - beraters...Future All Star had a lot of beraters north of Chicago due to the fact that he signed a $68 million contract after holding out and was only twice selected to the all star team

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Anonymous, think later, big man. Not every story is in the same frame.

Seasons changed....Bawful became less get the drill.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Thanks for the backup BN (and you're right anon). For the record folks, being in a devoted bromance is almost pure 100% awesome. What stops it from being 100%?

The dude remembers EVERYTHING. Freaking make an argument about a player in his rookie season, and he'll bring it up twelve years later and eight drinks into the night. Most people are like me - I get the jist and fill in the rest as appropriate. Bawful has selective eiditic recall. It's selective only in the fact that its either in sports or social situations, and only to be used against others in future arguments.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
lol yeah i only noticed because bawful had mentioned live 98 somewhere in the epilogue and i thought that seemed like a late version for the timeframe, but it lines up with his fifth year, and then i guess for whatever reason that just happened to stay with me and i noticed it in the context of this story

that said obviously it doesn't affect anything, just figured i'd flex my muscles here before bawful gets the chance too...though he probably would've included the teams being used in said game and mentioned how the star players were performing

-Same anon as above