All of the pictures used in today's post are courtesy of Shayan from Time Intact.

The Washington Wizards: The latest chapter in Washington's 1-8 saga was even more depressing than the previous chapters. The Hawks -- who were without starters Al Horford (sprained right ankle) and Josh Smith (sprained left ankle) -- broke their four-game losing streak despite the missing personnel, 39 percent shooting and 16 turnovers. Atlanta did it by dominating the boards 58-40 [!!] despite, as I mentioned, missing 66.6 percent of their starting frontcourt. The Wiz...they couldn't keep Zaza Pachulia (career-high 18 rebounds, 8 of which were offensive) off the glass. It's called a boxout, guys. Might want to try it some time.

Sadly, Washington had a 4-point lead going into the final minute, but Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams hit back-to-back threes...and Williams' triple was set up by a shot clock violation Washington committed with 32 seconds left. Even Antawn Jamison's post-game diatribe/motivational speech had a feeling of perfunctory helplessness to it. "It’s the same situation. We're just not closing games out. We're making the same mistakes. We've played it over and over again. We can't lose games like we did tonight. We have to stop the bleeding. We have to find a way to win." Good luck with that, Antawn.

Mario Brothers: Last night's Marios include Othella Hunter of the Hawks (25 seconds) and...no one else. Sorry, Othella. You sucked worse than anybody else who played. Your prize -- a bag of flaming poo -- is on its way. Via carrier pigeon.

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had season highs in both points (40) and assists (11) AND he had a career-best 5 blocked shots. Oh yeah, he is back. And how! For the record, since blocks became an official stat, the only other player to have a 40-10-5 game was Alvan Adams of the Phoenix Suns, who had 47 points, 12 assists and 5 blocks against the Buffalo Braves on February 22, 1977. And he only had 3 turnovers. Yet, despite Wade's historic effort, and Shawn Marion's best game of the season (20 points, 10-for-17, 14 rebounds), and the fact that they were playing at home, the Heat lost to the Toronto Raptors.

What happened? Well, they let the regularly disappointing Andrea Bargnani score a season-high 25 points. They also failed to get their hands in the mugs of Toronto's three-point shooters: The dinos were 8-for-8 in the second half, including 5-for-5 from Anthony Parker. Said Parker: "I had a good feel for the shots." Uh, yeah, I guess so.

It also didn't help Miami's cause that they let the Raptors get them down by 17 in the third quarter before yet another comeback attempt...which the Heat have been doing a lot of this season. Wade, who has been promoted to Senior Captain Obvious, said: "You waste a lot of energy when you come back from 10 or more. You don't really want to do that." You also don't want to stick a pencil in your nose. Trust me on that.

Jermaine O'Neal, quote machine: Said The Drain: "We knew they were going to make a run. Of what magnitude we didn't know." This quote just made me think of Admiral Ackbar in Return of the Jedi lisping out "We can't repel fire power of that magnitude!" Thanks, Jermaine.

LeBron James: The King shot 8-for-21 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Said James: "That happens in this league. You have good games and bad games." You know, it doesn't surprise me that the Pistons figured out that if you keep LeBron out of the paint, you have a much better chance of holding him down and beating his team. File that one under "Lessons Painfully Learned."

Ben Wallace: 23 minutes, 3 points, 5 boards, a steal and 2 blocked shots. And only one more season -- after this one -- at $15 million!

Daniel Gibson: Another stellar night for Cleveland's sniping specialist: 1-for-7 and 0-for-4 from downtown. He's hitting only 37 percent of his shots this season, 31 from distance. It makes me wonder what would happen at my Clark Kent job if I suddenly lost the ability to write. Think they'd keep asking me to do it?

Mike Brown, quote machine: "It was like a bunch of their players got together at halftime and said 'Let's bear down and take this game away from the Cavaliers.'" Well, golly gee, Mike. IMAGINE THAT.

Wally Szczerbiak: The Cavs put Wally World on the inactive list so that he can address a personal matter. Which makes me wonder if "address a personal matter" is going to become the new NBA euphemism for "you need to stop sucking, dude." Seriously, though, I hope it's nothing serious. Like maybe he got traumatized when somebody on the team mussed his strangely perfect hair.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Boy, just when it looked like the Sixers had climbed out of the hole, they fall right back in...dropping back to a game below .500 after losing to the Minnesota Timberwolves. It was 'Sota's second win of the year. Said Philly sixth man Willy Green: "They were desperate. They had a sense of urgency all game long. They wanted it more than us. It was obvious." What was also obvious is that the Sixers didn't want to play any defense last night. They let a T-Wolves team that's shooting 43 percent from the field on the season hit more than half of their shots (38-for-74). Wolfman Craig Smith scored a season-high 21 points on 7-for-9 shooting and freaking Sebastian Telfair had 8 assists. C'mon, Philly. You're better than that. Or not.

The 'klahoma City Thunder: The latest stop on their odyssey of awful includes a 20-point home loss to the Los Angeles Clippers. It was win number two for the Clips. The Thunder -- currently the league's worst shooting team (40.7 percent) -- hit their average by clanking 60 percent of their field goal attempts and committing 20 turnovers.

Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas: Despite a the fact that the Clips had what was probably their best game of the season -- even if it was against the Thunder -- these two men still managed to suck. Davis scored zero points (0-for-5) in 21 minutes. Thomas was 1-for-7 in 17 minutes. Mind you, these guys were both free agent pickups; L.A. didn't wasn't forced to take on their contracts in order to complete a blockbuster trade or anything. I'm just sayin'.

Baron Davis, team leader: Following his team's incredible defeat of the Thunder, Cuttino Mobley confided the following: "Baron said before the game, 'You've got to get focused.' He told the whole team that. I was going to try to play as hard as I can and see what happens." If the team needs a motivational speech to get up for the Thunder...it's going to be a long season. But we all kind of knew that already, didn't we?

The New Orleans Hornets: What in the name of Odin is going on in New Orleans? The Hornets were supposed to make The Leap this season. Yet last night, they lost at home -- their third loss in New Orleans Arena already this season -- to the still Kevin Martin-less Sacramento Kings. The Hornets are now 5-5. It's the first time they've been .500 since the end of the 2006-07 season. Said David West: "This is a bad loss for us. We definitely have taken steps back as a team. We're going to have to come together and make a push because right now teams are just walking over us." The Kings sure did. Sacramento shot almost 55 percent from the field. Apparently, the Hornets are employing the vaunted Mike 'Antoni method of stopping people. Which is to not.

Yao Ming: The good news: Dr. Yao didn't have any of his shots blocked last night. The bad news: It's because he sat out of Houston's game against the Dallas Mavericks with a sore left foot, ending his consecutive games played streak at...11. Yao was held out "for precautionary reasons" after leaving Monday's game at Oklahoma City with a left ankle injury. He underwent tests on Tuesday that supposedly revealed no structural damage.

The Houston Rockets: They looked nearly helpless without Yao, scoring only 86 points on 37 percent shooting. AT HOME. Said Rick Adelman: "When you don't have Yao, you've got to move the ball and you have to create situations. We don’t have a lot of guys who can break you down off the dribble." No kidding. The Big Other Two, T-Mac and Ron Artest, were both an identical 5-for-14 from the field.

Brent Barry: I received an email from Basketbawful reader Daniel K with a subject line of "If a washed up Brent Barry isn't in the worsties tomorrow, then I don't know what I'll do." So, to prevent anything dire from happening, here's the rest of what Dan had to say: "With 7:13 left in the second quarter, Brent Barry's corpse has missed two open three's (the only reason he's in the league), and two terrible turnovers." For the sake of posterity, Barry finished 0-for-3 (all from three-point range) with 2 rebounds, an assist, 2 turnovers and a steal.

Luther Head: Gott im Himmel! Will he ever see action again? Head logged his 8th DNP-CD of the season last night, despite the fact that the Rockets were playing short-footed.

Luis Scola: Hands. On. Defense.



The San Antonio Spurs: After several days worth of "They're really pulling together!" stories, the Spurs fell back apart in a tough home loss to the Nuggets in which they scored only 81 points and shot a cold-as-the-girl-who-broke-your-heart-in-high-school 38 percent. Gregg Popovich provided stunning insight into the loss when he said: "Denver played well enough to beat us." Thanks for opening our eyes, Gregg.

Keyon Martin, quote machine: The tough guy with girl lips tattooed on his neck held Tim Duncan to 12 points on stinky 4-for-13 shooting. Said Martin: "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will." Just then, Duncan bent over to take a drink from the water fountain and Martin ran over and chop-blocked him. Note: According to Basketball-reference.com's Head2Head Finder, TD has averaged 22.8 PPG (on 50 percent shooting) and 12.6 RPG against Kenyon Martin.

Jerry Sloan, coaching genius: What did Sloan tell his players to do when they fell into an third-quarter hole against the Bucks? Ronnie Price said: "Coach told us to pick it up, push the ball up the court and make some plays on defense." I know it sounds simple, but...no, it's actually pretty simple.

Andrei Kirilenko, four-star General Obvious: "It's good to keep winning, but we need to stop losing people. We won, but if we keep losing people that's not good. Other things that aren't good include: Nuclear war, dead puppies and Andrei's hair.

Kosta Koufos: Basketbawful reader Justin T. writes in that: "Koufos played nine minutes and had a rebound. And a foul. And also, he had a rebound. That is all." Fun fact: Justin has a fantasy team named "A.C. Green's Virginity." Which, somewhat ironically, is more fantasy than the real A.C. ever had in his life. Speaking of which, visit the A.C. Green Youth Foundation Web site to learn more about the joy of not making nookie. Not having sex worked for A.C., and it will work for you too! (Example: Reason number 18 to abstain is "You begin to compare sexual experiences, leading to lots of disappointments." Actually, that's just a sign you're having the WRONG experiences. Any lovely ladies out there who are laboring under this misconception are encouraged to contact me directly for more information.)

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: He shot 2-for-10, but whatever. The real reason I brought him up is to announce his official Basketbawful nickname: Jean Luc Richard. Which is a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference in case you don't get it. However, I still reserve the right to refer to him by "Labia mud charm toucher" or "I'm a dumb, urethral coach."

The Chicago Bulls: Well. Their 116-74 drubbing sure got some people riled up. Such as Sun Devil, who sent in the following equation: "Joel Przybilla ^ 21 minutes + Chicago = 20 minutes of carnage! it was a winning formula."

From Junokasm: "The circus was not in Chicago tonight, it was in Portland, where the Bulls turned the ball over 21 times. Just plain embarrassing. I see one player in the Bulls future that is currently on this team. How does a roster just forget to play defense? Joel Pryzbilla 6 for 6??! Ike Digou more than tripled his total season scoring in one night. That's right, Ike Digou. Do Kirk Hinrich, Chris Duhon, and P.J. Brown strike you as defensive stoppers? Maybe Malik Allen or Adrian Griffin? Viktor Khryapa? Because that's the difference between this Bulls team and the 2006 team that was supposed to lead to a Post-Jordan Bulls renaissance. That and a coach who wouldn't take crap from his players. Am I missing something? Too late and too tired." Ouch.

Speaking of coaches, Sami wrote in to say the following: "Can I cast my vote for 'Worst Coach of the Year'? Is there even one? Well, there should be. 'Cause Vinny Del Negro would freaking run away with it. I came to this conclusion after watching the first quarter of the Bulls-Blazers game. 13 first-quarter points scored, and they trail by 21. That's 1.1 points per minute. Seriously, watching the Chicago offense is like trying to watch a short, fat kid jumping for a Twinkie. It's disheartening. Drew Gooden taking shots from 21 feet, Tyrus Thomas (or should I say Torus) chucking up a lot of 'what the hell was that' shots. Some ball movement, little player movement. They just pass until one of them drives or pulls up for a crappy contested jumper. All of this while Vinny watches from the sideline, with a look on face that says, 'I really shouldn't have been drinking when I accepted this job.' Yeah, they horrible." Okay. Consider your vote cast.

Finally, Caseta wrote in with a note on Luol Deng (known by the Chicago Sun-Times as Lull Dens), who missed last night's game with a groin injury:

Speaking of deng, i was playing NBA 2K9 with the Bulls against Deng's team (I traded his soft butt ASAP) and at one point he made a layup. The two commentators then had the following exchange:

Commentator A: He lays it softly of the glass.

Commentator B: He really has a soft touch, doesn't he?

Commentator A: Some people like to take it hard to the rim, but not him. He prefers to use his soft touch around the rim.

(Not 100% accurate, but this was the idea) This got me thinking, "Damn, this game is soooo realistic. Not only is Deng made soft, but he gets picked on because of it. I can't wait to see if they call Shaq "fat" or Marbury "retarded."

Yay, Bulls.

Kobe Bryant: The Mega Powers EXPLODED last night when, during their match against The Twin Towers, Kobe not only refused to tag Hulk Hogan out, he SLAPPED Hogan in the face, took the Hulkster's World Title belt, and stormed back to the locker room. Fortunately, Hulkamania still ran wild and Hogan managed to defeat the Twin Towers by himself. After the match, Kobe accused Hogan of trying to steal manager Miss Elizabeth from him. Hogan implored Elizabeth to try and talk some sense into Kobe. Then out of nowhere, Kobe attacked Hogan by hitting him in the face with the title belt, sealing the end to their partnership.

Labels: Worst of the Night