Basketbawful

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The sport of basketball has changed dramatically since James Naismith sailed across the Atlantic ocean and nailed a peach basket to a cherry tree, which he then chopped down and told the truth about. The sport has evolved and improved thanks to a series of meaninful innovations, such as the shot clock, glass backboards, breakaway rims, the three-point shot, and tights. But some innovations should have been left in the Old World, along with the bubonic plague and women who don't shave their armpits. For instance, why in the name of Lincoln's Wart anyone would want to play basketball like this:

I'd call this retarded, but even retards have the good senseto wear safety helmets when doing dangerously stupid things.
Unicycle basketball. Who came up with that idea? When Newton formulated his crazy "Theory of Gravity," at least he had the excuse of having been hit on the head by something. I mean, basketball is an intense game of speed, stamina, and physical coordination. Is it really wise to add a unicycle to the mix? If you want to increase the degree of difficulty to the point where you might break your neck just by moving around, why not throw banana peels all over the court too? In the spirit of ultimate destruction, I'd like the geniuses behind unicycle basketball to consider adopting these additional "game enhancements":

1. Line the court with Slip 'N Slides.
2. Cover Slip 'N Slides with baby oil (I suggest Johnson & Johnson brand).
3. Sprinkle the floor with thumb tacks and broken glass.
4. Use lawn darts instead of a basketball.
5. Two words: exploding baskets.

By following these simple suggestions, you can ensure the maximum amount of discomfort and/or life-threatening injuries. Sounds like good times to me!

But forget the imminent threat to life and limb. What about the threat to your genitals? Because I can say with something like a one bajillion percent certainty that you'll never, ever get laid after playing basketball on a unicycle. You might as well show up to prom wearing a Jedi costume and Spock ears. (Actually, no true geek would ever combine costume elements from two different fictional universes. That would get you mocked even in nerd circles. And nothing is more painful than being called "loser" by a group of people who speak the Klingon language and can build a replica of the starship Enterprise out of an old floppy disk.

The rules to unicycle basketball are pretty much the same as regular basketball, except for some extremely complicated adaptations for unicycling. For instance, the rule for travelling converts the allowable two steps into two half revolutions. I'm not a mathmatist or anything, but aren't two half revolutions the same as one full revolution? I must be an idiot, because unicycle arithmetic is clearly beyond me.

The best rule in the rulebook, however, not only made me laugh, it also made me reconsider the possibility of a uni-baller getting some action. Because as Rule 4 clearly states: "The player throwing the ball inbound must be mounted." That actually sounds pretty cool, until you remember these games are probably sausage fests of the highest order. And even if by some miracle a woman actually shows up to play, she'll probably be more butch than your average WNBA player.

Unicycle Basketball Fun Fact: The halftime break in a unicycle basketball game is called "franking." Why, you ask? This answer my shock you: I have no idea.

You might find this hard to believe, but not all unicycling basketball players are escaped mental patients or geeks in desperate need of a more respectable hobby. Some of them are actually, you know, athletic. Take the King Charles Troupe, for instance. They're basically the Harlem Globetrotters of unicycle basketball. By which I mean they do everything the 'Trotters do, only they do it on -- you guessed it -- unicycles. Amazingly, these guys can even dunk. Which is enough to make you cry, if you're 6'3" and can only dunk on the 7-foot rims they set up for elementary school children, like...someone...I know...

But it's not all riding around on a single wheel while and performing acrobatic basketball. It's also about character. According to Jerry King, the group's founder, "Unicyclists are a dime a dozen. What makes you a King Charles Rider is what you do when you get off that unicycle." Jerry doesn't say what they do when they aren't on their unicycles, but with a quote like that, I hope it's fighting crime or curing cancer. This world needs more crime-fighting doctors on unicycles.

A publicity photo of the amazing King Charles Troupe.Hey...is that Clyde Drexler dunking the ball?!

3 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Fuck you for saying that unicycle basketball is for retards!!! Basketball is all about putting a show or entertainment faggot!!!

4/20/2008 4:15 AM

Basketbawful said...

anonymous -- Your well-reasoned argument has totally changed my mind. I no longer think unicycle basketball is for retards. Now I only think you're a retard. Thanks for enlightening me!

4/20/2008 10:53 AM

Anonymous said...

YEAH...Whatever!!!

5/14/2008 3:43 AM